Title: Love…is all that I can give to you
Summary: When Paul bursts into the room on the day of Brad's party –set during Haunted--he interrupts Jesse and Suze, and they go into a fist fight. But what if things happened a little differently?
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but I do wish that I owned Jesse. Although, it would be sad, because I am not a mediator, and therefore he would be with me and I wouldn't even be able to see him or hear him say querida. How unfair!
Recap:
"That is not what I am trying to do," Paul said from the floor. He had rolled his head back against the blood-smeared cushion and was pinching the bridge of his nose to stem the tide of blood that was flowing more or less freely from it. "I am trying to point out to Jesse here that you need a real boyfriend. I mean, come on. How long do you think it's going to last? Suze, I didn't tell you before, but I'll tell you now because I know what you've been thinking. Soul transference only works if you toss out the soul that's currently occupying a body, then throw someone else's into it. In other words, its murder. And I'm sorry, but you don't strike me as much of a murderer. Your boy Jesse's going to have to step into the light one of these days. You're just holding him back—"
I felt Jesse's arm move convulsively, and so I threw all my weight on it.
"Shut up, Paul," I said.
"And what about you, Jesse? I mean, what the hell can you give her?" Paul was laughing now, in spite of the blood that was still dripping from his face. "You can't even pay for her to have a damned cup of coffee—"
How could Paul say those things to him? What was his problem?
I could feel Jesse tense and could tell he was about to explode from my grasp, but I pulled his arm hard to pull him back.
I needed to do something to avoid a dangerous fight. And quick!
My heart was pounding fast for two reasons:
I was FURIOUS at Paul for saying those things, and
I was nervous that Jesse was going to hear what I had to say.
But I had to get it out. There was no other way.
"I don't care about any of that!" I shouted loudly, startling both of them. Their eyes widened and they jumped a bit, turning to look at me. I didn't even realize that tears were flowing from my eyes, until I heard Jesse's voice from behind me.
"Querida…Don't cry," he said with a soft voice.
I wanted to stop and look at him. I wanted to look into those deep dark eyes. But I couldn't. I had to say what I was feeling, and I had to get it out before I changed my mind.
"Paul," I said, focusing my gaze on him. "I don't care about any of that," I said again. "I don't care about a stupid cup of coffee! That sort of stuff doesn't matter to me. Do you want to know what Jesse can give me?" I asked, waiting for his response as my tears slowed.
Paul slowly nodded, looking at me with his mesmerizing blue eyes. But this time, instead of amusement or anger, they seemed to hold sadness and curiosity.
"What Jesse can give me is the most important thing of all. He can give me love," I stated simply, looking directly into Paul's eyes and being careful to avoid eye contact with Jesse at all costs. I had just practically confessed that I loved him. I really didn't want to see how disgusted he was with the idea of loving me.
"But, Suze," Paul started, slowly. "I can give you love. I…I can take you out. I can buy you things. I can give you everything you've ever wanted. I can give you love….you just have to give me a chance. I mean, don't tell me you didn't feel anything when we kissed. I know you did. I know you felt something…" Paul said, pleading with me to agree. I'd never seen Paul look so, well, helpless.
"You're right. I did feel something when we kissed," I started. After noticing the look of hope in Paul's eyes, I quickly continued. "But that doesn't mean that it's love. What I felt was lust. Desire. I mean, you're a great kisser, it's true. I won't deny that. And when you kissed me, I could tell that you wanted me. Just me. No one's ever made me feel wanted like you did at that moment. And yeah, it was nice to feel wanted. To feel desired. To feel as though I mattered to someone. So, yeah, I kissed you back. And it felt amazing, but it didn't feel right. Because no matter how good it felt, it was a wrong kind of good. It wasn't a kiss filled with love. And that's why I stopped you. Because I knew that I couldn't continue that. When you kissed me, I felt desired. But when Jesse kissed me…."
I stopped to take a deep breath, before continuing.
"Well, when Jesse kissed me, it warmed my heart. And I knew it was love. And I didn't have that when you kissed me, Paul. I'm sorry. But, you see, you can't give me love. Only Jesse can," I said.
I could feel my cheeks burning like fire. I knew that Jesse was there, listening. I didn't dare turn around to see his expression. If I did, I thought I might faint.
"So you see. I mean, yeah, it sucks that Jesse can't take me on dates. And that I can't show him off to my friends and family. But I don't care. Because I love him. I would rather spend every Saturday night at home in my room with a guy that I love than spend it out with someone who will never quite compare to him. I believe that I only have one true love of my life, and I believe that Jesse is it. I don't think I'll ever be able to love anyone as much as I love Jesse. And you know, I don't want to. I love Jesse, and I can't ever picture myself with anyone besides him," I said, my eyes starting to water again, and tears began to flow.
"Even though he doesn't feel the same way about me and even though he doesn't love me like I love him, I don't care. Because, true love only comes around once. And I'd rather live my life loving my true love and having him never love me back than pretending to love someone else."
By this time, the tears began to pour, and my shoulders began to shake from crying so hard. But I didn't care. I'd waited forever to say this, and I wanted to finish it.
"So, you see, Paul. None of that stuff matters to me. I don't care that Jesse and I can't go on dates. And I don't care that he can't buy me coffee. I just don't care about any of that, because I love him. And when you love someone, Paul, nothing else matters besides being with that person and loving that person….even when they….d.d..don't feel the s..s..same way," I finished, still sobbing uncontrollably.
Paul looked at me with eyes that I'd never seen before. Eyes that were filled with sadness and….love?
"I understand, Suze. I understand all of it. Because when you were talking, I realized what you meant. Because…well….that's how I feel about you. I would do anything for you, and I would give anything for you. Because I love you," Paul said, looking into my eyes.
"Paul," I started, but he held up a hand to stop me.
"But now I know what I have to do. Because you said that when you love someone, nothing matters besides loving them, even if they don't feel the same way. And I guess I just have to accept that you don't feel the same way about me," he said, looking down dejectedly.
In that moment, I gained a new sense of respect for Paul. I'd never seen him act so…well, human.
"I'm so sorry, Paul," I said, crying still.
"Don't be sorry, Suze. You can't help who you fall in love with. Believe me, I know," he said, attempting a smirk. But when I looked up, I noticed that his eyes were glossy.
I reached over and hugged him, and he kissed my cheek. It wasn't like his other kisses, full of desire and passion. It was soft and gentle as if to say goodbye.
He pulled away, and smiled sadly at me.
"While my love may be unrequited, I'm not so sure about yours," he said, nodding his head in Jesse's direction.
I glanced at Jesse quickly and saw an expression on his face that was full of so many emotions that it was difficult to read. I turned back to Paul as I heard his voice.
"I love you, Suze. And I think I always will. But I guess a part of love is allowing the person that you love to love someone else, so I guess this is it for us, then. But if you ever need any help with, you know, shifter stuff, you know where to find me," he said, as a tear rolled down his cheek. He turned and began to walk away, stopping right before leaving the room.
"De Silva, you are one lucky guy. And don't you ever forget that," he said, as he walked out and closed the door.
I blushed furiously, and my heart began to speed up. Because that meant Jesse and I were alone. Left alone after everything that I had just admitted. After clearly stating that I was madly in love with him. I was left to face the hurt that was to come when he told me that he didn't love me. I mean, obviously, he didn't. He couldn't. Because if he loved me, he wouldn't have agreed to move into the rectory.
I just set myself up for some major heartache.
As soon as I realized that Jesse and I were alone, I turned and tried to make a quick run for the bathroom. But I just wasn't quick enough, because a firm grasp enclosed my wrist as I was spun to face the guy who had been haunting not only my bedroom, but also my heart.
"Querida…Why didn't you tell me?" he spoke softly, looking into my eyes. But I looked down. His gaze was way too intense for me. But, of course, Jesse had to do what he always did. He placed a finger under my chin, bringing my face and eyes back up to his.
"Well….I…." I stuttered, trying to come up with words. His gaze was far too intense to be able to form complete words.
Jesse smirked, and I lost composure again. Oh great, thanks. Just laugh at me, why don't you? It's obvious that this is hard on me, yet Jesse wants to make it a joke.
"Go on," he said, grinning.
"I…Well…I mean, I didn't want to ruin what we have. I mean, I know that you don't feel the same way, so I thought that I would spare you the trouble. You're far too kind to break my heart, and personally, I didn't prefer to have it broken anyway…"
I was about to continue rambling, when I noticed Jesse's expression change. He seemed slightly upset, but it was hard to tell when there were so many emotions mixed into one expression. It was so hard to read.
"and what makes you think that I don't feel the same?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at me intensely.
"Well, I don't know. I mean, first, you kiss me and then act as though nothing happened. Then you want to move into the rectory…." I was going to continue, but Jesse cut me off.
"You think that I wanted to leave?" he asked, sounding surprised, which really threw me off guard. I mean, obviously he wanted to leave, right? It's not like it was my idea.
"Didn't you?" I asked, hoping the answer would be no.
"Of course not, Susannah. But what else could I do? After that kiss, I had to. To bear the idea of seeing you so much every day and knowing what it was like to hold you and kiss you. Knowing that I couldn't have you. Knowing that I'm wrong for you. That you need someone, well, someone real. Someone alive. If you were with me, you would miss out on so much. I couldn't take your life away from you," he finished, looking at me with so much emotion I thought he might burst.
"Jesse…." I started, raising my hand to stroke his cheek. "You wouldn't be taking my life away, because I have no life without you," I paused a second, before continuing. "Jesse, you ARE my life!"
Jesse's eyes grew wide, and a grin broke out across his face.
"And, I already said, I don't care about….." I started, but he interrupted.
"any of those things…." He said, finishing for me. "Yeah, I heard," he said, still smiling.
"Exactly," I said, opening my mouth to add more, "Because I…."
But I didn't get to finish, because he finished for me again, "Because you love me?" he asked, hope filling his eyes.
"Exactly." I said, staring deep into the dark abyss of Jesse's eyes.
Jesse's grin grew even wider. Larger than I had ever seen.
"I love you too, querida. More than you'll ever know," he said pulling me into him and lowering his lips to mine.
And this kiss. Well, let's just say that this kiss would definitely be reason for Jesse to move out. Because after kissing Jesse like this, I knew that there was no way I could control myself around him. Which, you know, I don't mind. But, of course, Jesse's way too gentleman-ly for that.
Except for, you know, when his hands began to move up my shirt. Ok, so maybe he was quite as gentleman-ly as I thought. Which was fine by me.
But, of course, as soon as his hands hit my bra, he pulled away—much to my dismay--blushing furiously. If Father Dom heard about this, he would have a coronary. Which is why Jesse had to move out, because he said that it would be improper for a man and a woman (yes, he called me a woman) of our standing to be together late at night alone in my room, because we may be too tempted to partake in more of these "activities". Which, to me, sounds like a perfect reason to STAY living in my room. But not to Jesse. He's way too respectful, so he went along with Father D and moved out. But that's ok. Because, I mean, sneaking out to "deal" with ghosts at night is my specialty after all.