A look at the depth of a relationship that never was allowed to happen. Two stubborn people who meant the world to each other yet couldn't express it until it was too late.
Bond/M unrequited love / angst / missed opportunities / These two could have been so great / Sexual frustration
I felt like a song inspired one shot. Not particularly a fan of these songs I chose but the words just suited so well I had to use them.
Part One: M
I came home late again and Nigel just rolled his eyes and said, "there's some soup on the stove."
That was about as much as I got from him lately. Where and when did this relationship begin to dissolve?
His first affair or Hong Kong? Or was it before. It was, oh so long ago and all that seemed to remain was a bitter pill to swallow.
On the surface he had been a wonderful husband and there was a time….oh I remember...a time when we couldn't get enough of each other. Staying in bed for days without leaving. Skipping classes and surviving on tea and biscuits between bouts of lovemaking that would make our children blush when we told them about the beginning.
Do they realize? Do any young people realize as they hop from bed to bed, or relationship to relationship trying to find something...that we too once had vibrant relationships. When they look at the two of us now, could they even guess at the passion we once shared.
Likely not. Passion and love was for the young and they cannot picture the way time and ages changes everything. They live vicariously in the present.
Everything was powerful and sexy when you're young and your skin wasn't wrinkled and we were firm and flexible.
Oh how beginnings are so different from endings. Was this melancholy about endings a sign? My call to some sort of action? A life without Nigel? The children would be an issue and one I don't relish dealing with. No, it was easier to stay and adapt than destroy the illusion we've been holding onto the last ten years. I suppose that all long relationships encounter this at some point. Where you look at the partner and wonder what the hell happened.
I turned on the radio to drown out the telly he was watching in the other room as I reheated my soup. It was on a modern music station? That was odd. Nigel listened to BBC radio three.
"Did one of the children pop by today?" M called into the next room as she moved to the door that separated the two rooms.
"No not today, Judi is on a work trip to Brussels and Ryan is in Scotland this week." Nigel said not taking his gaze away from the telly. "Why do you ask?"
"The radio."
"The radio?"
"It's on BBC One."
"Well I can assure you that I did not change it!" He managed to turn and look at me for that and what I saw was his anger. "And before you ask it was likely the cleaning woman and not some young floosie that I've taken up with at my age." Nigel answered defensively with a harumph.
"I wasn't accusing you of anything; I was just curious."
"Is there such a thing as 'just curious" in your line of work?" Nigel said and he picked up his book and headed past me towards the stairs. "I'm going to bed. Will you be joining me?" He asked in an offhandedly and seemingly uncaring and condescending manner. I had taken to sleeping in the spare room in the last few months. Nigel's snoring was atrocious, and I barely slept anymore.
"In a little while, after I eat."
Nigel sighed as he climbed the stair. I could swear that he mumbled something about me coming home on time for once.
What were we becoming?
I shrugged and returned to the kitchen and sat at the table alone, as the radio began playing a new song. To tired and annoyed to bother changing the station back, I just listened.
~You play a little rough, but I never knew you were after me
Now even when I'm alone, I feel like somebody's watching me
I couldn't smell the smoke, and now I'll watch the flames
I couldn't push myself to quit, oh this dangerous game
There's a reason people die out here
I can't keep living this way
I can't keep living this way~
The lyrics of this song seemed to bore directly into my thoughts. The first line about playing rough inadvertently brought Bond to mind. His image was in my head as the rest of the song spoke to my very existence.
Could I continue living this way? The dangerous games I have to play with the human pawns I must sometimes sacrifice...so lonely. Bond losing Vesper and me suffering in the drudgery of a marriage that no longer fulfilled any need for either of us.
~I've been running so long
These shadows start to feel like home
Oh I know it's backwards
Been scared so long
Can't recall what I started running from
What am I becoming?~
These lines could be for me or any of the agents I send out. How was it when they returned home? None of the 00's are married. The job does not lend well to long term relationships. Do they have friends and active social lives? At least I have the remnants of one to cling too.
I don't remember the last time Nigel and I went for dinner or walked in a park. Had I buried my head so far in the sand that I missed his misery. My attempt to keep busy was to ignore the guilt I felt about the state of our dwindling relationship. I should be retired...he was already and he was bitter that I didn't the moment I turned sixty-five. It was just that there was so much left to do...
Perhaps he was waiting for me...to try again.
You tell me "that's enough," but I got a hunch I'll be back again
Even if I could escape, I'm paying with something I shouldn't spend
I couldn't smell the smoke and now I'll watch the flames
I locked myself out here again, oh this fruitless game
All these people are gonna die out here
I can't keep living this way~(Song by: POP ETC- What am I becoming?)
I can't keep living this way...the last line. Could I? Or am I completely off on this? Could it be that part of that song...playing with something I shouldn't was about Bond? The Casino Royale case opened my eyes to what he was truly capable of and in all honesty it excited me. He could be the very best, he is my best.
Then he resigned my heart fell. What was it about him...it made my old heart pump harder the second he was in my office?
I would be lying if I said the man wasn't attractive and it was quite obvious to me by the way I treated him. I rile at him and push him, dryly and sarcastically, with banter. Bond quips allude to me in ways that was are not always professional and sparks fly. For me, that was always the way I flirted. Did he know that?
Good lord I have a crush on Bond!
I couldn't smell the smoke and now I'll watch the flames
I locked myself out here again, oh this fruitless game
All these people are gonna die out here
Dear me, this describes the two of us perfectly. I watched the flames he ignites from a distance, in this fruitless game. Flirting with me was definitely fruitless and people do die.
The beginning describes my current relationship with Nigel.
You tell me "that's enough," but I got a hunch I'll be back again
Even if I could escape, I'm paying with something I shouldn't spend
What should I do? I can't let Bond know how he affects me. I owe something to Nigel.
Perhaps a trip, I have to at least try...I owe it to him and the children to try to recapture something of what we were. I did love him once and he did love me. He had affairs, but that was just to get my attention. And it bloody well worked! I had that interlude in Hong Kong that we never mention.
Bond could never truly be attracted to me, once maybe long ago, like in Hong Kong but not now. Age was something that sneaks up on one and it was both a blessing of knowledge and cruel to the body. When you still remember vividly what it was like to be young and in passionate love with someone.
The thought of my troublesome blond haired blue eyed agent always sent heat coursing through my body. I should use this feeling and stop trying to cut it off as I have been trying to do subconsciously.
I know that I am too old and too bitter and that my primary focus is on the problems of the world. I will turn some of that passion of purpose and this misguided attraction to a younger man, back into my marriage.
I vow to make these remaining years better than the last ten. The miserable and lonely isolation that I've felt never had to be, if I could have allotted some of my time and focus to something solid and giving to my husband.
Instead I was living vicariously through the actions and sex that my agents have at my instruction. Just because my agents don't have home lives, does not mean I have to punish mine like a martyr to the cause.
I place my bowl in the sink and follow Nigel up to bed. I may surprise him with more than just sharing a bed with him tonight. Hopefully, he will reciprocate the feeling. If he does not then we are truly finished and I will no longer perpetuate this lie. I will have Tanner find Nigel a new flat if he rejects me because I'm too old to play these games anymore. I want someone who wants me back! I walk upstairs with purpose, to try to reignite this old spark to a burning flame.
Part Two: Bond
~Every time I run, every time I run
Where do I end up?
Back at the start, staring back at you
Right where we left off~
I just had M kick me out of her flat after returning from Turkey. I'm in a bad way and not in great shape but the pills and booze keep me going. They made me brave enough to breach her personal space again.
The implied threat that she could have me killed….ha what a laugh that is.
I stayed away after the shot. I wanted her to worry...wanted her to look for me. I wanted that attention and I always craved from her. Christ that woman did more to make me into what I am than my parents ever did. Mother gave birth to me but M created me and the frustrating thing was that I loved her for it. Fell in love with her because of it all. All the misery and death, Vesper, everything that had happened and all I could ever think about was M.
Was she happy with her lover, husband, or both if she had such an appetite? Oh right the husband is dead now. It happened while I was gone, last year. Had she replaced him in her bed yet?
It wouldn't matter to me if she was married or engaged, I would still be after her. All those months in Turkey made me realise this. I stayed hidden in angry hate filled petulance but it made me realise how I felt for M. How my feelings for her were beyond flirting. How I had stubbornly refused to allow anyone but her in after Vesper.
The way she looked at me sometimes gave me hope that she would be of the same mind. That if I play my card right I may break through the protective shell that she hides herself in. That nameless professionalism and guarded governmental protection she used against all but perhaps old man Q and Tanner. Tanner was constantly on edge around her for fear of facing her wrath.
By god I have an appetite for her. All that power in such a small body, that it sometimes makes me laugh to think of all the trembling ministers that she leaves in her wake.
I almost pulled her into my arms in her flat. I wanted to stay. I could show her the condition I'm in. It was the one part of my body working perfectly and the alcohol would give me a little extra stamina.
~But the harder I am pushed
The easier it gets to forget
All the reasons why I could never find
The words to explain this~
I could have just arrived at the office tomorrow and made my return official but then she would have all the power to embarrass me publicly and chastise my lack of loyalty.
I am bloody loyal! Not just to the crown but to her. No I wanted to put her off. Invade her flat, this one so different from the first one I broke into. This one is far more classic and suits her. The dining room with the piles of work on the table. I wonder if any of it was sensitive information. I suppose it doesn't matter now that the husband was gone.
I deduce from this that she doesn't bring a lover home with her often then or at all. That makes me feel somewhat better about my chances.
I had never voiced to a single soul how deeply I feel about M. Tanner may have guessed but he would say nothing. Anyone else, including her would take my flirtations as a lark. A way of dangerously prodding the Queen of numbers just for my own amusement. Never really understanding that if she took it serious...called me wanting me for more than just a dressing down, that it would mean much more to me than just sex. I can get sex anywhere, even reeking of booze and regret. But not from her...she already tossed me out the door.
~Oh, we came so close
It felt so close we could taste it
But there's nothing left to do
There's nothing we can do if we face it
It's part of me
It's part of you, but it's wasted~
What if M had faltered? What if she had said stay? Oh God! What would it be like to taste her and hold her. Would she have kicked me out in the morning? Ashamed of what she had done?
~No, there's nothing left to do
There's nothing we can do to replace it
Now I'm running in circles without you
I'm running in circles without you
I'm running in circles without you
I'm running in circles without you~
What if she does think of me as more than just a tool to use on the world? Her blunt instrument...to be used as she sees fit. Christ what a turn on. Do others feel the pull of her like I do?
~I can see your eyes, I can see your eyes
Looking for new life
Where there once was a heart, some kind of beat
Now is it complete?
No matter how many times
I tell myself it was right~
Tonight there was an intensity to her anger...like how dare you leave me. Had it been her way of saying that she missed me? She jumped to conclusions and corrected herself quickly by saying that 'we needed you.' It was as if she stumbled and really meant she expected this from me but now that she needed me...she felt threatened with me so close.
Oh for Christ sake...the woman knows that was why I returned. Nothing gets past her for long. The moment her office blew up I was on a plane back to her. Directly to her flat...I needed to see...smell her scent and see that she was whole and breathing still. Now she knows that I am hers completely. That it was us and our relationship that made me rush back to make sure she survived above all others.
~Every day I know I can only play
This way to lose the fight
Oh, we came so close
It felt so close we could taste it~
Should I go back? Push my luck? She could be in the bath now...would she have alerted base yet of my return? I will only get one chance with M and I had to be better than I am now. I would let her know of my feelings gradually, while I work my body back into shape. Or M might already guess at how I feel about her.
M may oversee my conditioning herself and it would be more than obvious by the way I look at her after tonight. No more hiding in the shadows. I'm getting too old and worn for that shit!
Hell...it had to be more than obvious tonight, as I stood by the door speaking of home and hotels. She turned away from me quickly after she denied us both what we desperately need.
~But there's nothing left to do
There's nothing we can do if we face it
It's part of me
It's part of you, but it's wasted
No, there's nothing left to do
There's nothing we can do to replace it
Now I'm running in circles without you
I'm running in circles without you
I'm running in circles without you
I'm running in circles without you~(Song by: Pop Etc. - Running In Circles)
No it made sense. It was not her job to fix me. To heal me. She was full of tough love that one. M wanted me to earn my place again. Prove I can come back from the brink just for her. I would and then I would claim the prize denied me upon my prodigal return this evening.
I would be patient for her, because she was worth the wait. Our passion would taste all the sweeter for the challenge of winning my way back into MI6 and her life.
It would be all over after this mission. To save her from whoever was trying to harm her and in managing that save myself.
No, there's nothing left to do
There's nothing we can do to replace it
Now I'm running in circles without you
Without M, I'm running in circles.
The end.