Letting Go

Gabrielle stirred as the first of the day's sunrays lightly caressed her cheek. Mumbling something incomprehensible beneath her breath she sighed quietly and turned upon her bedroll instinctively stretching out her arm. When her searching hand met with cold hard earth rather than the warm body that used to sleep next to her she awoke with a start and sat up quickly. Tears pricked at her eyes as she suddenly remembered why there was a vacant space beside her and a stab of pain seared through her heart.

'Xena?' she whispered in a choked whisper as a single tear ran down her face but she immediately forced herself to suppress the tormenting memories and slowly rose to her feet; neither would she allow herself to acknowledge the emptiness that was rapidly consuming her soul like a rampant disease. Or the sense of betrayal she still felt when her friend had abandoned her three weeks earlier.

'Joxer,' she surprised herself by saying. 'You're not even around when I need you most.' She hesitated as she cleared away her small camp. 'No, nobody is,' she realised sombrely. 'I'm on my own now.' She had to admit that she had never felt quite so alone since Xena's death. The problem was, it was getting worse rather than better, it's intensity beginning to frighten her.

She packed her meagre collection of belongings away in a worn leather saddlebag and mounted her horse that had been grazing close by. She stroked its side affectionately as she made herself comfortable in the saddle and the animal neighed quietly, returning the gesture.

'I still have you though, don't I Sandy,' she whispered lovingly into the animal's ear. 'Xena wouldn't have wanted me to have abandoned Argo's little girl, would she?'

Gabrielle forced a smile despite the melancholy that weighed down heavily upon her. Lifting her gaze up towards a beautifully clear sapphire sky she took a deep breath and prompted Sandy into a trot.

She was heading back west, back to Greece, wanting nothing more than to leave the land of Chin and all it's darkness behind. But she also had another reason for returning to the place of her birth. Eve was there. She was somehow going to have to find the words to tell Xena's daughter that her mother was dead.

She rode all morning and well into the afternoon, stopping only briefly to bathe at a small waterfall and eat some fruit and nut-bread for lunch whilst sitting on a fallen log. The sun was low in the sky and shadows were lengthening when she stopped to perform her daily yoga routine in a flower-filled stretch of meadowland but try as she might, she realised her heart just wasn't in it anymore. All that held meaning to her before now offered her nothing. She felt as if a part of her had died with Xena and wondered if she would ever be able to revive it again.

Her final attempt to stretch into the cobra position was interrupted by a rush of rage and frustration and as she dropped herself back into the grass she slammed a fist into the earth. 'Damn you Xena!'

She dropped her head onto her hands feeling the tears prick once more at her eyes but refusing to allow them to flow she stretched angrily back to her feet and turned violently to head back to where Sandy grazed contentedly in the half light. To her surprise she was met by a lone figure, an old man, wearing a soft orange robe and a smile.

She clutched at her chest, indicating that his sudden appearance had startled her but still returned the smile, suddenly mesmerised by the extent of peace and serenity his wrinkled face held.

'I did not mean to startle you. I apologise,' the old man spoke softly, although he continued to smile, his dark eyes seeming to twinkle in the declining light.

Gabrielle shrugged dismissively. 'That's ok. I wasn't really concentrating on what I was doing anyway.'

'I noticed,' the man remarked wryly. 'I have never seen the Cobra position performed quite in that way.'

Gabrielle's smile widened into a grin. 'You know yoga?'

The man nodded quickly. 'All Buddhist's practice the Dance of Enlightenment.'

Gabrielle frowned, but not unkindly. 'I've never heard it called that before.'

'The ritual of yoga has many names. As do many things. It doesn't matter what we call it, as long as we commit ourselves to it.'

Gabrielle sighed beneath her breath. 'I just can't seem to open myself up to it anymore. The very thought of peace and love seems mocking to me now.'

The old man looked at her intensely, eyes like tiny pebbles, hinting of great wisdom. Gabrielle had never felt so taken by an individual before. Just standing with him was beginning to settle the maelstrom of emotions churning within her.

'Would you like to share some tea with me?' the old man asked suddenly, quite casually.

Gabrielle gaped at him. 'Tea?'

'I would appreciate the company,' the old man revealed gently. 'There is no denying that the solitude of a Buddhist's life brings immense rewards, but it can also become lonely at times.'

Gabrielle regarded him with a degree of suspicion, recalling her past encounter with the charismatic and supposedly peace loving Aiden a short while back, but her doubts were quickly dispelled when the old man grinned mischievously. 'Your doubts flatter me child but I am just an old man wishing to exchange a few words with a fellow soul.' He bowed slightly. 'But I will not be offended if you would rather decline my invitation.'

Gabrielle shook her head. 'No, some company would be nice. And the thought of some nice hot tea, well, how can I refuse.' She gestured the path before them. 'Lead the way.'

When Gabrielle had collected Sandy the old man led her down through the meadow, across a gently gurgling stream and into forest. As Gabrielle stepped beneath the canopy of tall pines she peered across at the old man. 'My name is Gabrielle,' she stroked her horse's velvety sandy coloured coat as she clutched the rein in her hand. 'And this is Sandy.'

The old man smiled warmly across at the animal. 'You may call me Theserus.'

Gabrielle looked at him puzzled. 'May call you?'

'When one enters the Buddha's teachings one discards all unnecessary worldly connections. Even names. They have no significance. I am no one and everyone. A part of nothing and everything.'

Gabrielle shrugged but could not disguise her fascination. 'So why Theserus?'

Theserus offered quite simply: 'because it is easier for those who do not follow the path.' But his mouth quickly widened into a grin. 'And I thought it had a nice ring to it.'

Gabrielle laughed quietly but remained silent, following him through the trees along a distinctive well-trod path. After several minutes they finally stepped out onto a clearing where a small curiously domed building, constructed entirely from wood, took centre stage.

Intricately designed with painstaking carvings and dotted with wind chimes, prayer wheels (which Gabrielle recalled from her stay in India) and strange flags adorned with symbolic writing, it was quite an awe-inspiring sight.

Gabrielle was captivated. 'What a beautiful building.'

Theserus seemed unfazed. 'It is a suitable place in which to meditate and find peace.' He smiled at her affectionately. 'Come child. Let the tea warm your heart and the silence still your mind.'

Gabrielle looked at him sadly. 'It might prove an impossible task.'

He lifted a finger to quieten her. 'Ah, but this Buddhist thrives on challenge.' He chuckled warmly. 'It is his one little flaw.'

The inside of the temple was as enchanting as it was outside. An entrance hall guarded by two impressive bronzed statues, which Theserus revealed were replicas of the green and white Goddesses of Compassion, led into a large circular room lit by hundreds of candles and heavily fragranced with the heady scent of burning incense. A massive statue of the meditating Buddha, at least the height of a full-grown man, centred itself against the furthest wall, surrounded by further larger candles.

'Wow, this place is amazing,' Gabrielle whispered overawed. 'It reminds me of the temples in India, only this is more,' she hesitated. 'Peaceful.' She turned to Theserus. 'What I mean is, the simplicity makes it less intimidating. Some of the temples in India were a little too bright and colourful.'

Theserus nodded. 'Simplicity is the key to enlightenment, Gabrielle.'

Gabrielle looked thoughtful for a moment. 'But what is enlightenment? I heard it mentioned in India but wasn't there long enough to learn more about it.'

The old man sighed gently, almost wistfully, whilst gesturing to two cushions on the floor in the centre of the room. When they had seated themselves opposite one another, their legs crossed, he spoke. 'What is enlightenment?' He met her eyes and probed deep within them. 'I can tell you have been touched by the spiritual so I shall ask you instead, what do you think it is?'

Gabrielle was caught off guard by his words. 'Me?'

Theserus nodded. 'Speak from the heart, not from the head.'

Gabrielle lowered her gaze to the bare wooden floorboards beneath them. She felt the pain rise within her, could see Xena's smiling face and sparkling eyes. 'I can't,' she whispered, still unable to look at the old man. 'My heart is empty. It hurts too much.'

'No, Gabrielle. Your heart is an illusion. Your pain is an illusion. Your clinging on to the past, your desire to hold on to the memories, is causing your pain.'

Gabrielle quickly met his eyes, angry. 'So I'm supposed to forget all about Xena, is that it?'

Theserus smiled gently. 'No. No, of course not. Only your desire to hold on to her.' He reached out to gently touch her knee. 'Now tell me, child. I ask you again. What do you think enlightenment is?'

Gabrielle felt the tears prick at her eyes and she battled to hold them back as she had done each day following her friend's death. But provoked by Theserus's words she failed miserably, finally breaking down as they began to pour down her face and all the hurt within her roared up from deep down inside to engulf her entire being. Collapsing in a heap she began to sob uncontrollably into her arms, her heart breaking, her body quivering with her anguish, pouring all her suppressed emotions out into the silence of the temple room.

Theserus watched her silently but did not intervene, wrinkled face filled with compassion and love and, surprisingly, great joy. Patting Gabrielle gently on the back, he rose and hurried off across the room, disappearing through a doorway and into a second smaller room decorated with cherry blossom and lit orange by the setting sun. There he proceeded to make two hand-bowls of hot lemon-tea.

Gabrielle wiped her damp face with her hands and sniffed as she lifted herself back up on her cushion. She felt numb, strangely empty, and extremely drowsy. As she ran her hand through her hair she peered around the room, unsettled to find that Theserus was not there. But as if prompted by her thinking he suddenly entered the room carrying two small bowls of steaming tea. As he placed it in front of her she met his eyes, embarrassed. 'I'm sorry.'

As he squatted down upon his own cushion he looked at her curiously. 'For what?'

'My actions just now...crying like that. I'm not really helping the peace and serenity of this place am I?'

The old man shook his head dismissively. 'I asked you a question and you answered me.'

Gabrielle met his eyes, face blank. 'I don't understand.'

'I asked you what you thought enlightenment was and you answered correctly.'

Gabrielle shook her head, confused. 'But I was just crying.'

'No, child. You were letting go.'