A/N This story picks up in Mockingjay Chapter 27, right after Katniss first sees Peeta planting the roses at her house. My first Fanfic! I would love to know what you think, thanks!
****I am only elaborating on the fabulous Hunger Games trilogy. I do not claim to own or have any rights to Mockingjay or any of Suzanne Collins books, writings, or ideas.****
I stare at Peeta for a moment and then nod my head in assent. Then I turn and run into the house. I run up
the stairs to find that stinking rose. There it is, staring at me. I grab it, run back downstairs and hurl it into
the fire. Now I am sobbing. I hit my knees and hide my face in my hands. I can still smell Snow's rose
on my hands. I try in vain to rub the smell off with my shirt. Now that too is tainted. I have to remove all
traces of that smell. Back upstairs I go, straight to the shower, where I compulsively
scrub it all off, as well as pieces of my skin. Then, I just stand there sobbing. It is a wonder I have any
tears left, any emotion left. But there is Peeta. He is back. He came back! It awakened something in me.
Still, my tears fall and I let the shower run on.
A light knock at my bathroom door makes me scream.
"Katniss?"
Peeta is here.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
It seems I was a bit loud with the running, and the throwing, and the crying.
I can tell he has pushed the door slightly open. I can't see him through the steamed glass of the shower
door.
I don't answer. I sink to the corner of the shower, head in hands. The water is still running hot. Steam
rising.
I don't know how much time has passed. That happens a lot to me. But the water is barely lukewarm now.
I am still curled up in the corner. I hear the shower door open slowly.
"Katniss?" Peeta says gently. He is holding a towel out for me. He has it spread out wide to shield me from any embarrassment.
I look at his face that is slightly turned away. Ever the gentleman.
Still, he can't help but see the patchwork of scars running all over my body. It's unavoidable. As are his scars. He bites his lip.
"Katniss, I am going to turn off the water now."
He is forced to drop one side of the towel to accomplish this. I am only partially covered now.
The water stops and I watch the last of it swirl down the drain.
I start to shiver and I wrap my arms around my body.
Peeta approaches me slowly. He drapes the towel around me as best he can.
He holds one hand out to me to help me up. My hand is shaking as I reach up. I close my eyes when we touch.
Oh, the comfort I used to get from those hands, arms… and lips.
I open my eyes that are swimming with tears again.
"It's okay," he says, mistaking my tears for embarrassment, "I won't look".
With his help, I get up from my corner and self consciously cover up quickly.
I must look like the drowned version of the matted girl he saw outside. I hang my head in shame.
Suddenly, all I want to do is lay down and sleep. Being this pathetic, sad, and lonely is exhausting.
"I am so tired." I whisper.
"I know." he whispers back.
Peeta guides me to my room. I can see that he has changed my sheets and made my bed. My bed, I haven't slept in it since coming home.
He peels down the comforter and pats the bed.
I lay down, still wrapped in the towel with crazy looking, wet hair.
He covers me.
Do I actually feel some peace in these sweet smelling sheets?
I don't know how long we stare at each other or when I fall asleep. I know his face is the last thing I see before I drift off to sleep.
I awake with a gasp. I am sitting straight up in bed and feel as if I am being smothered by the darkness.
I can't breathe!
In my panic, my groping hands find his arm.
He is still here. Peeta is still here!
I take some deep, ragged breaths in an attempt to calm myself.
He is asleep in a chair next to my bed.
When I am sure I can stand without passing out, I quietly get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom.
I look back at the sleeping form next to my bed. His head is leaning slightly to the left, and one arm is laying across his lap. His breathing is smooth and regular. A smile forms on my face.
How long has it been since I've done that?
Once in the bathroom, I force myself to look. It is not a pretty sight. I start with my hair. It is frightful. I search the drawers for any remnant of hair product my prep team left behind before
the Quarter Quell. I find some spray that will aid in detangling. It takes an hour, but my hair now hangs straight and without knots. I also decide to use some lotion on my pink skin.
Now I needed to get dressed. I try to remember which drawers my nightgowns and underwear are in.
I wrap myself up in the towel again and quietly make my way back into my bedroom.
Peeta is still sleeping.
I do my best to make no sound as I search the drawers in my darkened room. I find my nightgown. I look back once at Peeta, drop the towel, then yank the nightgown over my head.
I pick up the towel and turn to hang it up in the bathroom.
Peeta is awake. I freeze. I notice the gentle smile on his face.
His smile disappears once he sees my frozen face.
"Oh, sorry, Katniss" he stammers and starts to get up.
"I stayed to make sure you were okay and I guess I fell asleep."
He begins to make his way to the doorway.
"Sorry." he apologizes again, "I'll go.".
A sudden desperation rises up in me. I am surprised at how much I am feeling in this moment. I feel like I might choke on it. I need to stop him…say something…do something.
"No!" I say, almost yelling, "Not again."
I move quickly to block him from the doorway. The expression on Peeta's face shows he is as taken aback as I am by my actions. I am so close to him. I could reach out and touch him. I
realize that I am reaching out. Only, he takes a step back.
I can see he is tensing up, hands balled at his sides. He shuts his eyes tightly and is whispering softly to himself.
"Peeta." I say, reaching out once more to close the distance. I place my hand over his heart which is drumming wildly. So is mine.
He holds his breath and stiffens his posture. I take another step. Now it is me who can't breathe.
Yet another step and my arms encircle him, I weep silently. I've missed him. The devastation of his capture and his hijacking hitting me hard and fast like the bomb that nearly killed us all.
I am clinging tighter and tighter. He is struggling against me.
"No!" I cry.
"Katniss, let me go. I can't…"
I cut him off. "I can't let go again, Peeta."
"Katniss!" he says loudly and a bit desperately himself.
I let out a strangled sob as begin to release him.
This is it. He finally sees me for what I am. I am not what he wanted. I am not the girl all shiny and polished for the games.
I am Katniss Everdeen. A matted, pathetic, broken, failure.
His strong hands grab the sides of my arms. I am afraid to look up. Afraid to see murderous, hateful eyes. I realize I am going to die at his hands. Either literally or by rejection. Then, I
think the thing I guess I've always known.
I. Love. Peeta.
It's as if my body gives out under the weight of this realization. I buckle but I do not fall. It's his arms that hold me up and catch me. Still swimming in realization, desperately in love, I look
up into his eyes. And all I see is Peeta.
Love, Patience, Kindness…
My memories are hitting hard and fast.
Bread, Kisses, Pearl…
Hunger, Panic, Fear, Relief, Sadness, Grief, Love, and again Hunger…
"Katniss?"
My face must be mirroring the wonderful and horrible torrent of memories.
Before he can tell me anything, my lips are on his.
I am practically attacking him.
He manages to get a hold of me and forces me to stop. I look down.
I feel ashamed and empty. The rejection so painful, I am not sure what to do next.
Is this what he felt like? Oh God, how could I have done this to him? And now, he's done with me. As he should be. But how can I go on without him?
I am tortured by the thought of living so close to him. Of randomly running into him in town. Of seeing him with someone else.
I'll just never leave the house. I don't do it much now anyway. Maybe I should take up drinking like Haymitch. It might mute the harsh tones of my reality. I laugh with one quick huff.
"Look at me," Peeta says, " I am right here…I am not going anywhere".
Disbelief runs through me. Is it possible?
"You came back.", I say tearfully, finally brave enough to look up into those blue eyes.
"Of course I did." he says simply.
He opens his mouth as if to continue but doesn't say anything more. Instead, he moves my hair back from my face. The slight brush of his hand makes me shiver. He kisses my cheek ever
so gently. His arms that were just holding me back are now gently pulling me to him. He brushes his lips back and forth on mine ever so lightly. Sheer torture, but the kind that has me
begging for more. His fingertips lightly trace my shoulders and he moves in to kiss the hollow of my throat.
I am Katniss Everdeen, Girl on Fire.
"Katniss…" he whispers heavily just below my ear.
I have to get closer and so I do. I push him back against the wall. For a second, he looks at me in confusion. Then he groans in pleasure after I push myself right on him. I can feel
everything with my body against his. Still, it isn't enough. I have never wanted anything more than I want Peeta right now. I kiss him once, twice, and then deeply. He has fistfulls of my
hair in his hands. Pulling me in closer, if it were even possible. My hands are traveling up and under his shirt. My nails, digging into his back as he dares to lift my nightgown to caress my
thighs. I begin to buckle again. I am breathless with hunger for him.
I hold it together because there is one thing left for me to do. I lean in close to his ear and whisper, "I love you, Peeta Mellark."
And before he asks, I say, "Real."
He stops for a moment, completely out of breath and trying to get a grasp on what I have just said.
I nod my head and say, "So very real…"
I kiss him.
"I love you," I say again, my lips traveling down his neck.
And just like that, our fear and desperation was replaced with a sense of knowing. Knowing we had each other to hang onto. Knowing we have weathered the worst. Knowing that
although we were destroyed, we can bloom again.
So, there is no more talk right now. And I don't fight the fire that is burning deep and fast within me.
Not when his hands go for my nightgown and pull it up over my head. Not when he lays me down on the bed. Not when we are entangled, skin to skin.
Not. Ever. Again.