You had been living with the Winchesters for a few months now. Your family had kicked you out, and your girlfriend, Charlie, had broken up with you. Your godfather, Bobby, had introduced you to the Winchesters a couple of months before he died. Now, you were sitting in the bathtub of the motel room you were staying in this week. You were huddled under the water, completely dressed. As you pulled your legs closer to your chest, you let your tears flow freely and join the stream of water. Your thoughts go back to the disastrous hunt today:
" Y/n, run!" Dean yelled.
As you turned to look at him, he was tackled by the demon. Sammy was crumpled against the concrete wall. He wasn't moving.
"GO!" Dean screamed.
You turned an ran outside of the warehouse. This was all your fault. It was your job to make the demon trap. You hadn't been paying attention. You didn't finish the circle, therefore the trap was useless. The demon escaped and attacked Sam and Dean. None of you knew where Cas was. He said he would be there, but he wasn't. You couldn't think about anything, but Cas dying somewhere in the warehouse. You ran, crying, back to the motel room, thinking about how this was all your fault.
When you reached the motel room, you sat outside the door, tears flowing freely as you stared into the cold winter night.
You tried to stay awake and wait for Sam and Dean to get back, but you fell asleep. When they returned, Dean and Cas supporting an unconscious and bloody Sam, they found you asleep on the front step.
You woke up, surrounded by warmth. Opening your eyes, you saw Dean between your bed and Sam's bed, head in his hands, crying. Sam was still not awake. Cas was in the corner, his cold blue eyes piercing you. He pulled away from the wall, walked to Dean and whispered something in his ear. Then, as if on cue, Dean stood and Cas disappeared.
"I'm going for a drive. I'll be back in an hour or two. Watch Sammy, call me if he wakes up" Dean said.
You nodded, too upset to say anything. Dean grabbed his jacket and the key to the Impala and walked out.
You sat on your bed, looking at Sammy's still body, trying to hold back tears. When your emotions were too much, you got up, grabbed your pocket knife, and ran to the bathroom. You turned the water on, as hot as possible, and, without undressing, sat under the scalding stream.
You sat staring at your pocket knife for ages. You pulled up your sleeves and looked at all the old scars. You had worked so hard to quit cutting.
But Dean is angry, and Cas won't speak to you. Sammy might not wake up and its all your fault.
You dig the knife deep into your arm. The pain is sharp, but welcome. You missed this. You cut again and again and again.
Stupid.
Cut.
Worthless.
Cut.
Failure.
Cut.
Can't do anything right.
Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
Cut.
You keep cutting until your arm is just strips of skin and the water is running red down the drain. You drop the knife and just look at the water.
Dean arrives at the park Cas told him to meet him at.
"What is the problem, Cas?" Dean asks.
"It's about y/n" Cas says.
"What do you mean? Is something wrong?"
Cas sighs. "You need to talk to her. She's very—dark—inside. Her soul is so cold. She's wallowing in self-hatred. Dean, she's so lost"
"Fuck. Cas, has she—done anything….bad?" Dean whispers.
"What do you mean?" Cas asks.
"She's done this before," Dean says, "She's tried to kill herself."
"I don't…" Cas starts.
"Cas, find her, tell me—" Before Dean can finish, Cas disappears. Dean grabs his hair, running his hands through it. He's scared. Cas suddenly reappears.
"Dean—she—at the motel" Before Cas can finish, Dean jumps in the Impala, and takes off at 83 mph.
You don't know how long you had been sitting in the tub, but you were starting to fall asleep. Suddenly, there is a banging on the door.
"Y/n! Y/n, open the door!" Dan yells.
You sit there, too terrified to move. You don't want to disappoint Dean, you told him you would stop. With a loud noise, Dean kicks in the door then freezes, tears in his eyes.
When Dean bursts through the door of the motel, the first thing he sees is Sam starting to wake up. Cas goes to Sam, to check on him.
"Dean, what's going on?" Sam asks.
"Sammy, where's y/n?" Dean says frantically.
"I don't—" Sam starts. Dean turns and runs to the bathroom door.
"Y/n! Y/n, open the door!" Dean yells, banging on the door. There is no answer. Terrified, Dean kicks down the door and freezes. There is so much blood. It covers the walls, it is all over you, and the water is running red.
Dean runs to the tub, and reaches for you, but you push him away. He forcefully grabs you and carries you to your bed. You stop fighting, too tired from blood loss. Cas comes to your bed and reaches to heal you, but stops.
"Dean— Dean, she's lost so much blood." Cas says.
"What?!" Dean yells.
He looks at you as your eyes start to glaze over. Your eyes are so heavy. You just want to sleep. You are so tired.
"Stay awake! Y/n, don't you dare close your eyes!" Dean shouts, tears falling freely down his face.
Sam is sitting on his bed in a state of shock, his face wet with tears. Cas's ice blue eyes look full of pain.
You blood is staining the sheet crimson. Fight as you may, you cannot stay awake. You grab Dean's hand and Cas's hand. You look at Sam.
"I'm so sorry. I love y…". The darkness consumes you.