Warning: This story contains themes of infertility and mentions of sex.
They had been trying for months with little success. Tony was frustrated, Ziva was frustrated, both were feeling hopeless.
"It will never be positive." Ziva said dully, throwing another negative test in the trash.
"One day, it will be," Tony tried. He knew what it took for her to agree to try. Now he too was losing hope.
This wasn't a decision they made lightly and was easily their most feared topic of conversation for years. They were married one, two, three years before they broached the topic seriously; four, five, six before they decided this was something they wanted. Tony had been patient with her- he had come to the realization of his desire to have a child some time before (oh how much he had changed since her, for her, with her)- but he knew the choice wasn't the same for his wife.
"It hurts," Tony said as he faced the nothingness before him. The black of night was suddenly all encroaching.
Ziva nodded in agreement. "I know." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and nudged her head to its side, kissing her neck. Maybe there weren't happy endings after all.
The desire was there, evident in the way Ziva stared longingly at the children on the playground and how she smiled at the little girls eating ice cream with their mothers. However allowing herself that gift was another story. It had taken time for her to let Tony in, after shutting everyone out for so long, and she still had nightmares about losing him. The people who get too close always end up dead. The want for children scared her for it seemed that the more she wanted something, the more she had to lose. And it was clear that nearly everything she could lose was lost. Rivka, Tali, Ari, Michael, Eli. The list went on and on.
As they laid down for bed, both exhausted and nearly asleep, Ziva spoke. "Maybe I am just not meant to have a child." Her voice was cold, devoid of emotion. He wanted to fight her but she continued. "I am not fit to be a mother anyway."
"That's a lie and you know it," Tony said.
He was caught off guard when she announced her willingness to start a family. Ziva didn't wait for a romantic dinner or a moonlit walk. They were working side by side, content with the familiar domesticity, her chopping vegetables and him sautéing chicken, when she, without looking up, said the words. "I want a baby too."
After yet another round of lovemaking spoiled by the expectation of expanding, Ziva and Tony lay silently. "This is not working," Ziva sighed.
"This isn't right." Tony turned on his side. "Sex isn't supposed to be a chore." Ziva rolled over, nodding.
"Tell me something happy, please." She sounded broken and unsure as she placed her hand on Tony's chest.
"One day, we'll have a little girl," He began, painting for her the picture that seemed to make an appearance in every dream nowadays. "We'll name her Suri or Aviva or Shiloh."
"Aviva is pretty."
"Okay, so Aviva will always protect her little brother Nicoli, Nick for short."
"Mmm, that's nice," she mumbled as she was lulled to sleep by her husband's soothing voice; one that spoke of a happier tomorrow.
Ziva didn't want to see a specialist; she felt that meant failure- failure on her part. Tony just thought it was smart. Maybe it would bring some clarity. The decision had come easier to him than to her but the issues with conception were not solely hers to claim. His playboy days were a distant memory (and if he was being totally honest, they were never quite as extensive as he let on) but the feelings of inadequacy ingrained since childhood were still raw. Was this another expectation he didn't live up to? Another dream shattered?
Rejecting Ziva's advances, Tony pushed her wandering lips from his body. "We need to take a break."
She fell still at his words, the simple phrase had cut through her delicate heart. "What?"
"We need to take a break," he repeated. "This isn't us, Zi. We don't schedule time for sex. We're not always so serious." She looked away, knowing he was speaking the truth. "We have crazy sex because we've been staring at each other all day and can't keep our hands off the other. We have comfort sex because we're hurting. We have 'I love you' and 'I've missed you' sex." Tony paused. "We don't have mandatory sex. I just want it to be us. And if that's just you and me with no one else, I'd rather have that than what we're doing now." She hugged him, then pressed a kiss to his chest. "We need a break."
By the time Tony and Ziva came together again as one, two weeks had passed. There were tears and fights and a need to be intimate but they knew they had to wait. They needed to sort through the rollercoaster of emotions both together and apart without stuffing their worries down through the physical act of love.
Tony and Ziva were never ones quick to share. They hid their worries and their anger until it all bubbled over. The serious was avoided. The serious was the plague. Yet now they were forced to communicate for they had no escape. Honesty was one of the few ways to be close without lovemaking, kissing, and the sharing of touches.
"I want it for you!" Ziva shouted over the movie playing the background.
"That's a lie. You want it too!" Tony shook his head. This endeavor wasn't merely for his benefit.
"You made me want it. But I cannot have it."
"If you can't have it, neither can I. I want this and cannot have it. I want this. I want this too."
That was the final straw. They needed to communicate and yet they could not seem to do so. Within the next few days they had an appointment with a counselor and a week after that Ziva had agreed to meet with a fertility specialist. Therapy was draining but neither could deny its helpfulness. They began to see hope. They began to see themselves growing close once more.
"Ziva, please tell Tony what you said in your individual session," their therapist, Sarah, prodded gently.
"Sometimes I feel like it is my fault. All of my training and Mossad…" she trailed off, looking anywhere but Tony's eyes. "Maybe I did something and now I cannot have children."
Tony waited to ensure that she was finished before he countered her argument. "I get that you feel that way but it's not your fault. Dr. Estrada didn't find anything wrong. Sometimes I think it's my fault."
"That is crazy. You did not do anything wrong." Ziva's eyes were hard. "You have kept me together."
"The same goes for you. But that doesn't stop the feeling," he said.
"I will remind you," Ziva spoke softly, her hand rubbing soothing circles over his palm. "That it is not your fault."
"I'll remind you too."
Sarah gave them homework and they tried their best to work with her suggestions. They talked about what was worrying them when the thoughts arrived and set aside time for "date nights" without the expectation of more. They would go to the theatre and take walks; they would watch movies and play board games. They found each other again, their groove as a couple, without losing themselves in the process. There was still no plus sign but they did not lose faith. Tony and Ziva were happy and resigned themselves to hope that maybe, someday, they would be happy with a precious bundle of joy too.
So, two years down the line, when they welcome their little Aviva into the world, Tony and Ziva can't help but dote.
"Aviva May?" Tony turns to Ziva, who is currently nursing their energetic newborn, with a notepad in his hand.
"That is beautiful Tony," she sniffs, still exhausted and emotional, as she approves his choice in a middle name.
"Aviva May DiNozzo." Their little girl gurgles slightly. "I think she likes it." Ziva laughs, muttering something about how their daughter takes after him- she always seems to be hungry- before he kisses the grin off her face.
"Ani ohev otach" he breathes onto her lips.
Smiling, she replies. "I love you too." Then, turning to their sweet daughter with bright green eyes and a head full of ebony fuzz, she says, "Shalom neshama."
Hello my soul (Hello my darling)…
Thanks for reading. I hope I did the concept justice and brought life to a future Tony and Ziva. Let me know what you think :)