Nobody' Nobody's Angel

At a very young age I was chosen as a pawn in an extremely important game. When the ultimate prize is safety and failure results in total destruction of everything and everyone that you know and love, it is a very difficult spot to be in for everybody involved. I was eight years old when the weight of two worlds was forcefully placed on my shoulders. I was to be a saviour, or a destroyer of the universe! You can't even begin to imagine the emotional, spiritual and physical pain that I've had to endure.

From the moment I embarked on this journey, I had a label. I was the sweet, innocent one. The preserver of all that was good. I was Kari, the angel of light. I was held on a pedestal by all who knew me and I stood at a height that was much to high to jump from. I was much to scared to do anything, but play along. I was too young and everyone around me knew better than I did. They knew what was best for me and so I gave myself to them unknowingly.

To my brother, I am delicate and fragile. If at any moment I am in danger he is my protector. If I am handled carelessly, I will shatter into a million tiny pieces of myself. I am not able to hold myself together. My brother is my shield and I know nothing of real pain. He is my shield and I am his fragile angel.

As I grew older, I began to feel things, to take notice of things that I never knew existed. It is not something that I could chart, but there was a gradual change in myself as an emotional and spiritual being. A hole developed and I was consumed. I know not exactly what had developed, but I had tasted temptation, pain, bitterness. I was a slave to the pit of despair. Now, I was no longer just an angel of light, but one of darkness.

To Ken, I was almost his comfort, for he too was consumed by this shadowed force. He, like myself had felt the touch of evil, had become a prisoner of the void. We both were drowning and although we struggled to swim and gasp for air, it held us down. He knew exactly how I felt.
I was able to overcome this void and to find myself again. In time, I was also able to pull Ken through. He is my confidant, the one who felt my pain, and I am his saving grace, his angel of mercy.

Not only was I growing spiritually and emotionally, but as a physical being as well, and my friends all grew beside me. As we grow and mature, so does our understanding of love and of true attraction. Two boys felt my sting and longed for my approval. The flowering beauty that I was, had earned me the love of both.

To Davis and Takeru, I was their everything. All that they did was in attempt to gain my favour and although I became partial to one more than the other, the attempt to sway me was not stopped. This time, I was the prize. They were the men who loved me and I was their heavenly angel.

I have always been somebody for someone else and have never once been the woman that I would like to be. I know now that I will never be whom I want to be. I have lost all of my chances and will never be able to regain them. In the same breath, I will not live to be a slave to others. I am nobody's angel. This blade shall make it a certainty. I will be in control of what is left of my life. I will be in control of how people see me, dead!

The sharp edge of the knife glides cleanly across my exposed skin. It is cold to the touch and I embrace the chill. I watch as my life-giving force, my rich, crimson, blood rushes to the surface and spills over onto the floor. I apply pressure so that I might speed up the process and as the liquid escapes, so too do I take my last breaths.

The room begins to spin and I gasp as a result of the freeing sensation. It has taken me years to develop this courage, but I have finally jumped from my pedestal and I am willingly falling to my death. The weight of two worlds has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel light as a feather as I drift into a gentle, yet eternal sleep.

I am no longer a fragile angel of light. I am not the angel of darkness, not one of mercy. I am not a glorious creation of heaven. I am nobody's angel.

The End
~MPF