….This was tough. I'm used to insightful plot-less stuff, not an actual story with a plot. But, when insane Fire Emblem fans discuss character quirks, some strange, strange stuff comes up.
*glares at one particular FE fan* :P
Quick note: I tried to incorporate Ilyana's Shade ability here, so...that's why.
Anyways! Off we go.
Settling A Beef.
Tor Garen, the outlying fortress. Many in Tellius saw it as impenetrable, that an invasion upon this stronghold, let alone all of Daein, would be neigh but suicide.
And yet here he was, ordering the first battalion to charge the front gates. Noting the outer defenses consisted mainly of archers and lance-wielding infantry, Ike sent Titania and Boyd with a squad of six other axe wielders to soften the defenses up before ordering the mages to fall in.
The initial skirmish lasted fifteen minutes; the outer defenders were easily routed and forced back into the narrow confines of the fortress. Even then, the relentless barrage of magic from Soren, combined with the restorative powers of their newest member, the Heron Laguz, Reyson, quickly plowed through the wall of Armor Knights, allowing even deeper access to the base.
And then he smelled it. Ike whirled his head around, trying to locate the source of the odd odor that wafted into his nostrils. Sure, there was blood and iron and bodies everywhere, but something was different...
"Why do I smell...cream stew and beef?
"Ilyana, when I said I was okay with a cooking contest, I didn't mean right now!"
On foot, without a horse, and managing a massive cooking pot in front of him, Oscar was in quite the predicament. Furiously dicing the remaining carrots in his hand, he paused long enough to dash aside the sword aimed for his heart and dispose of the footman before returning to the simmering pot of stew in front of him. Reaching to his right, he moved to skewer three prepared snow hares for his dish when he confused the hapless rabbits with the foot of a charging horse. The unfortunate steed in question neighed in surprise and bucked its rider high into the air, sending the poor man sky high and creating a soldier-shaped hole out of the chamber's conveniently placed sunroof. "And I didn't know you knew how to cook!""How did I get myself into this...?"
Half eating, half adding fresh turkey to her plate, Ilyana turned to the cavalier, meekly shrugging. "I can cook, but...Muston and the caravan always took care of it for me. I love their food...and any food, of course. Glorious food..." With that, Ilyana turned back to her dish, the slight movement allowing her to dodge the javelin aimed at her.
Ilyana seemed to have a much easier time avoiding the Daein soldiers than Oscar. Of course, he had watched her chop an onion and four heads of broccoli whilst axes were flying not two inches from the top of her head. Oblivious to the imminent death, she continued pleasantly humming and chopping and dicing, her slight movements to an unseen tune enough to dodge incoming spears and the occasional hand axe.
Ilyana's only greatest enemy, however, was herself, as she was eating most of the ingredients before they even made it into her dish. Before long, her supply of ground chuck had run clean dry, the vegetables were all but gone, and before she knew it her dish was about half as big as it should have been. Looking around, she mumbled weakly. "No...where am I going to find more meat now...?"
Oscar heard the question, and when he saw Ilyana's eyes shoot up and begin to sparkle manically at the incoming wave of cavalry, he stared, slack jawed, at just how insane this cannibalistic glutton was. "She wouldn't...."
Ilyana began the complex incantations inscribed in her Elthunder tome, her yellow tunic whipping around her as the spiritual energies began to concentrate into an elemental blast. "She didn't..."
Finishing the incantation, she raised her hands high into the air, calling upon the lightning of judgment from the storm clouds gathered above the hole in the sunroof. Horses reared and bucked in fear, and the Daein soldiers looked on at awe; either at Oscar's beloved dish or Ilyana's blazing eyes, he did not know.
"She did..."
Oscar hung his head in defeat, and with a glorious war cry of "For mah belly!" Thor's hammer fell upon the helpless horsemen. The intense heat from lightning-on-armor reaction crisped them before they even had time to react. With a squeal of delight, Ilyana began checking each twitching body for cooking temperature and doneness. Finding that a good portion were burned beyond recognition, she cursed softly and grabbed the well-done lancers and horses, dragging them back to her work area.
While adding cilantro and spiced cheese to his stew, Oscar noted that the psychotic mage wasn't even bothering to remove the armor from the soldiers before throwing them into the massive conglomeration of meat before her. Trying to give her some advice, he shouted "You might want to dice that...meat up a bit more! Too many chunks and the cooking time will be off for the meat!"
As she finished flinging the last person into her cooking pot, Ilyana turned back to him, having gone from psychotic cannibal to frail mage in the span of five seconds. "But...why? I'm eating it all in one bite anyways..."
"Yeah, but the least you could do is take their armor off!"
Her eyes lit up yet again, in a food crazed passion. "Oh, but their armor adds such a crunchy texture...it makes it taste better for longer and you can savor it for as long as..." Ilyana continued to ramble, ignoring Oscar's second slack jawed expression of the day. When she finally finished, Oscar had turned back to his dish with a slightly green hue upon his face.
Recovering from the bemusement and shock at Ilyana's interest in metallic flavorings, he was about to utter a reply when he saw her look up with the same maniacal glint in her eyes, and an electrical charge flowing from her spellbook. Following her sight, he spotted a troop of hired mercenaries preparing a charge, and hid his face in his hands.
"Not again..."
Ike sure wasn't expecting this.
Sure, the Daein soldiers being caught off guard during mealtime, maybe, but two of his troops, mercenaries, no less, furiously cooking and stirring and seasoning as the battle raged around them?
What shocked him the most, however, was the massive pile of bones sitting next to Ilyana as she innocently kneaded the mixed meat in her hands. Brushing off the mage for fear of terminal nightmares, Ike began walking towards the green cavalier.
Seeing his commanding officer walking towards him, Oscar scrambled to stand up and salute, inadvertently kicking a second charging cavalier in the shin, sending both rider and animal sprawling to the ground in a disorganized heap. As both were struggling to their feet, they were mercilessly snatched up by a blur of yellow and purple and thrown a good ten feet into a massive cooking pot with all the rest. Staring innocently into Ike's now slack-jawed expression, Ilyana walked back to her cooking area and returned to gently tending to her ingredients.
"I'm not sure I want to know, Oscar, but why are you cooking? Especially right now?"
Oscar smiled sheepishly, suddenly finding a great interest in the ground at his feet. "This nutcase"- he pointed at the mage behind him, still humming and mixing: "wanted to have a cooking contest with me. Considering her love for food, the request seemed plausible, so I agreed. Next thing I knew there was a cooking pot and some of the convoy's rations being tossed at my head."
Looking back up to Ike's face, Oscar sighed. "I apologize, Commander. But when it comes to her, I'd rather not be on the wrong side of that Elthunder tome she carries."
Though he understood Oscar's reasons, Ike was still skeptical. "You're forgiven Oscar, but be more careful next time. Its easier to cook in a kitchen the fortress then out in the middle of a battlefield."
"And besides." Ike noted with a smirk. "What were you cooking?"
Oscars face immediately lit up. "Oh! I'm trying my hand at some Cream Stew. I've never been able to use vegetables in it before, but ever since our supply run to Begnion I've been dying to figure out how it would work!"
Nodding once, still smiling, Ike glanced over at Ilyana. "And what...is she making?"
"You don't want to know, sir". Oscar's look of bemused defeat confused Ike beyond belief, but he brushed it off. The mage's odd behavior seemed to be right on par with what he heard.
Looking back to Oscar, Ike gestured towards the pot. "Well, shall we see how this stew came out?"
"Yes, sir! I hope I didn't spice it too much. Ooh, or add too many vegetables. And I hope I used enough milk to even out the viscosi-..."
Oscar was cut off when a faint scream was heard above them. Looking up, both commander and cavalier scrambled for cover as the soldier launched by his catapult of a horse fell through the very window he broke the first time—right into Oscar's stew.
To everyone within twenty feet of the massive cooking pot, the world exploded in a tsunami of boiling milk and diced carrots and celery. Both Ike and Oscar were immediately drenched in the resulting tidal wave, and all the Daein forces that weren't carried away in the blast swam deeper in, trying to chug as much of the glorious elixir as they could. Ilyana, not wanting to be left out as well, climbed the castle wall and did a cannonball into the deepest portion of stew, immersing herself in the broth.
Finally resurfacing and panting for breath, Oscar spit out the armored boot the falling soldier kicked off in the chaos and licked his lips. Immediately after doing so, however, he looked at Ilyana with shock, before a broad smile crossed his face. Calling to her, she stopped devouring the stew and turned her head questioningly.
"You were right, Ilyana! Their armor really does add flavor and texture!"
The psychotic mage looked at Oscar and smiled.
Story End.