ONE-SHOT
I Still Love You
Six years…
It's been six years since the most important beacon of my life left me. 'Why, why did this happen to you? It should've been me. My one rule, no not even my rule didn't let me save you….'
Those were the questions that used to keep me up at night thinking… and thinking… and thinking. I hated him for it, I hated the whole world for it, but mostly I hated myself for not being there for you when you needed me most.
Starfire.
'I need you now more than ever. You were the rock that kept me grounded, now I'm spinning out of control.'
Mar'i.
'She needs you more than me.' I've put everything I have into raising her. I let go Nightwing and gave it to Tim, I took all the steps you had planned on raising her, I even went as far as moving into that small house with the white picket fence like you always wanted. Oh how I wish you were here to see it, it's gorgeous. I even painted the baby's room pink, because I know firsthand how much you love pink. Whenever I walk in it reminds me of you, but Mar'i refuses to change it. I guess she is just like you.
When Mar'i was seven she asked me why she didn't have a mommy. I had been preparing the whole time for when she asked but as soon as she did I broke down. It took me at least an hour to calm down and call Barbara to come and explain it for me because I knew I couldn't and Mar'i needed to know. She came into my office afterwards and sat down with me and just stayed there for hours asking me if I was okay, or if I needed anything. I laughed when she asked because that was exactly something you would do, care about others before yourself. I love her so much.
Bruce visited the other day and I just lost it when he tried to tell me to move on. I guess I still blame him and his stupid rule. But, before I had the chance to throw him through the window I thought of you and how you're probably saying the same thing right now. I just can't, you were too important, you were my mission and I failed and now I have to live without you and I can't.
Raven and Beast Boy finally got together though, their wedding was two years ago… maybe… I didn't go. How could I? I would've ruined it for everyone then I'd feel even worse. Even Cyborg got hitched to some civilian who worked with cybernetic children. Everyone got their happy endings, now where's mine?
I know you would be scolding me for moping and dwelling on you for six years but I loved-, no, I still love you. You're not even here and you capture my heart whenever I see and old photo or when Mar'i walks by, she is a spitting image of you.
This is why I didn't want to get too attached to anyone. Like my parents you're all taken away from me. Cruel and swift is the judgment placed on anybody who gets too close. This is why I fear for Mar'i, I'll never let anything happen to her though. I try not to, but I baby her even at the age of eleven. She even says so. 'But dad Julie gets to spend the night out and she is only nine!' I remember she cried for two hours straight until I let her go. Even then I had Tim follow and watch the house after I drove her over and walked her to the door. I am paranoid.
Wally came over offering to watch Mar'i while I go out for the night. Not only did I refuse, but when he tried to force me I had to show him I still can kick his ass. He then spent the rest of the night outside our front door knocking until I let him in and agreed to go out the following Friday. I told him I'll only leave for 2 hours and even then I had set up extra security and hired two babysitters for Mar'i. He doesn't know it yet but I am planning to get him back good for making me go out.
I thought is saw you when I was walking through the park pushing Mar'i along. I stopped and just stared at you hoping beyond all hope that it was you. That was when I took in reality and realized I was staring at a random civilian for ten minutes. I miss you so much. For the longest time I had planned and thought of ways that I could've saved you and I beat myself up for not acting fast enough. If I had just asked for help once and not been so stubborn you might be here today to enjoy the wonders of parenthood and raising a child.
You were so calm, like you knew what was happening and knew I couldn't stop it. I had thought you were just giving up and I was so angry. I shouted at you in your weakest moment instead of helping you to move on in a peaceful manner. But that's just how I am isn't it? I am a lit fuse continually burning until something comes along to further my flame. It brought me to tears when Raven showed up sensing my great distress. Then I exploded on her for not getting there fast enough to help you.
'If you had been here she might not be dead!'
'Well if you weren't so stubborn and asked us for help she wouldn't have been hurt in the first place!'
I knew she was right but I couldn't stop myself. I hit her. Straight across the jaw until Cyborg and Beast Boy tackled me and pinned me through all my thrashing and rage. And it wasn't until two days later that all the events hit me like a mach truck and I went into a mental break down.
You were dead…
I punched Raven…
My life was over…
I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought about ending my own life right there and then. Yet for some reason I knew if I did see you again in the afterlife, wherever that may be, you would be upset with me for leaving my duties and abandoning Mar'i. I became depressed for what seemed like an eternity until Mar'i was brought in and that jumpstarted my mind and I realized that I needed to be there for her.
This is where I am at today. Six years later still dwelling on you. Still protecting Mar'i. Still living, breathing
Loving.