Changes
Running your hands through your hair you drop your head back hitting the seat on the bus. Sighing you listen to your heart thud hard against your ribs. The week had been awful. Your landlord had doubled your rent due to "hardships; as he said. Adding to it your car had been stolen and so you had to start taking the bus. Today, the bus had been late so you were late in general, a large client's case had fallen through and to top it off the fall for losing that case had landed directly on your desk. So after arguing and finally falling into desperate yelling you were fired.
Leaning forward you hunched over rubbing at your face. Pulling your hands away you stared at them above your knees. They were shaking and you felt pressure growing behind your eyes. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. It hadn't been your fault. Slowly you massaged your hands trying to slow the building tension. The shaking was moving up your arms and you pulled yourself into a hug before leaning against the window watching the rain and sidewalk pass. Maybe you could find your old brushes and paint something to sell, like you use to when you were happy. You could hear HIS voice telling you to suck it up. You needed to be worth something in society.
It wasn't long before the bus jolted to a stop. Standing you push your way through the limited space to the door. Stopping you stood there for a moment in the door looking at the rain. You didn't have an umbrella. With a sigh deciding that it was just your luck today you stepped down and into a mud puddle ruining your work shoes.
"Oh." You stared down at your foot in the puddle. "Fuck me."
Stepping out you shake your leg hoping to get some of the water out. Tucking your hands into your coat pockets you huddle into the light material hoping to get at least some reprieve from the cold rain. Making you way to your apartment complex you pass a convince store and you gaze at the advertisement in the window. Stopping you look over it and an old need rises up in the back of your mind. You had given up the habit so long ago but today had been hell. One wouldn't be that bad. It's not like you were going to fall into old habits.
"Yeah once won't hurt." You mumble slipping inside the small building.
Later you slipped into your apartment feeling like you were a thief with a bag of ill-gotten goods. Setting the bag down you went to change into your jeans and a tank top. Coming back out you stared at the bag for a moment before taking a deep breath and crossing the room. Reaching into the bag you pull out a pack of cigarettes and a larger bottle than you remember buying of whiskey. Pulling a glass from the cabinet you fill it half way up.
Staring at the glass you take an uneven breath. The memories of parties, of feeling good, of being able to forget filled your head as you lifted the glass to your lips. Flashes of burled roads, arguments and fights followed. More forgetting. More feeling good. Cops. Judges. Meetings. Sober. Crying. Temptation. Sober.
You falter for a moment, the fire water just short of your lips. An old burn of too painful memories filled your head and tears burn at your eyes before you swallow the glass. There was a moment of burning in your throat but then the familiar warmth filled your body. Pouring yourself another glass you never felt your sins crawling on your back.
Hours later and more than half a bottle gone you were lying on the living room floor blowing smoke rings. You had already burned though one pack and started the second when the knocking started. It was slow, controlled and coming from your front door. Turning your head slightly you stared at it for a moment. When the knocking came again you rose taking your glass with you. Stopping at the door you fumbled slightly shuffling the glass in your numbing hands.
Opening the door you were faced with an orange hoodie. Raising blurred eyes your head bobbed trying to keep it lifted to look the tall skeleton in the face. He looked confused at the sight of you and you grinned around your cigarette.
"Sup Paps!" You said throwing your hands, spilling some whiskey in the process.
His brow pinched studying the drunken human in front of him as you grab his hand and start pulling him inside. You close the door and giggle as you finish off your glass and stumble towards the bottle on the floor. Swaying back and forth you caught yourself on the couch and the giggles turned to rough laughs.
"What's gotten in to ya, kid?" He asked slowly approaching.
"About half a bottle of 90 proof." You laugh finally dropping to the floor near your bottle, losing your cigarette in the process. Papyrus bent down and picked it up before you could. You looked up at the skeleton with a smile expecting to get one in return. Yet he just stood there confused, angry, and seemingly disappointed. Something sparked in your mind and caused a sick burn in your stomach. The world rolled as you dropped to lay on your side. "Don't look at me like that."
"Like what?" He asked cold and sterile.
"Like you fucking know me!" You snapped refilling the glass and lighting a new cigarette. "You think you're so fucking special." The mind numbing happiness was going away. It always went away. It wasn't your fault! Someone always started shit. Someone was always ruining your fun, your life. You tried to get up but couldn't get your feet under you so you stared up at the tall skeleton as your mind molded flesh on to bone, mixing the past with the present. "You think you and everyone are so fucking special because you are so fucking smart."
The plain walls of your small apartment were shifting to a deep read of a library. Papyrus wasn't there anymore but a man in a suit and tie looking down at you. You could feel the plush carpet under your hands and the stiff back parlor chair leg digging into your back. The worlds left you mouth before you could stop them. "You always do this you jerk!"
The man stood there not moving, just watching. "I had a life, you know! I was fucking happy! Yet you had to make me into someone you saw worth something when I had my own worth!"
You name came from the man's mouth but it was the wrong voice. Tears burned your eyes as you gritted your teeth fighting a sob. "I want my life back! I want to stop pretending to be happy!" You screamed and threw the full glass of whiskey at the man. "I just want to be worth something to myself again!" Tears have stained your cheeks as you choke down another sob. Pulling your knees to your chest you cry hugging them close mumbling into them. It was silent for a moment save for your sobs when a sigh was let out heavy and tired.
A heavy arm wrapped around your shoulders and pulled you in to soft fabric. You turn turning your face into it and cried harder. Memories of the suited man turned in on themselves turning back to a man with a carefree smile lifting his child from a broken couch as a woman wiped her hands off on an apron watching the scene.
You sobbed clutching at the fabric. "Please I just want to be me again." You cried till you had nothing left and your eyes felt heavy. "I want to be happy." You mumbled low.
A small laugh escaped the body you were against and bony fingers ran through your hair. "I'll try, kid."
)O(
The next morning was a rude awaking of pain and sickness. You laid in bed pulling a pillow closer to you trying to block out the sounds of someone moving in your apartment. If it was a killer or a burglar you currently didn't care you just wanted the pain to stop. Moments passed and the door opened slowly creaking on the broken hinge. With slow movement you lifted your head eyes squinting to see the tall skeleton like figure in your door. "Who…" You started but soon found your tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth.
You let out a low groan reaching for your head when the person in the door laughs low. "You look like hell kid." You knew that sarcastic tone and the way he was leaning on the door frame.
"Go to hell Papyrus." You grumble low carefully putting your head back down on your pillow closing your eyes. Not like you have to be to work today or anything.
"Ah I thought you might want some painkillers and coffee." You open your eyes again watching him for a moment. "I guess I can just put them back." He shrugged and turned to leave.
"Wait." You say slowly sitting up scratching at your mess of hair. "I'll…I'll take the meds…Please."
Coming over he sat down and handed you the meds and coffee. You hold the cup taking in the warmth and the feel of something actually solid in your hands. You were silent as was he as you slowly sipped at the coffee; made just the way you like it. You stopped and looked down at it then up at Papyrus who was rubbing your back slowly as you leaned against him. When had he even started to do that and why were you leaning on him?
"Look Papyrus about last night…"
"You remember?" He asked eye sockets widening.
"Kinda. I know I did a lot of yelling." You say looking down at the coffee. "Just know none of it was meant towards you."
"Demons?" He asked wrapping an arm gently around your shoulders pulling you back into him.
"Yeah." You say feeling tears burning behind your eyes. "Let loose by my drinking. Damn I'm so stupid. I shouldn't have gotten that bottle."
"Three."
"What?" You ask looking up at him surprise.
"You bought three and drank through one and a half." He leaned in close and pressed his teeth to your temple. "I thought you were going to really hurt yourself. I thought…"His voice faltered and he pulled you tight against him shaking slightly.
"I'm fine Paps." You whisper softly wrapping your free arm around him. "A little hungover…" You paused to think trying to focus through the double vision. "Maybe still a little drunk but I'll be okay." You pressed your nose into his color bone. "What about you?"
He was quite for a moment then slowly spoke. "As long as you don't do that again we'll get along fine."
You crack a small smile and set down the coffee. "I need a bit more sleep can we talk more when I wake up." You mumble falling asleep against him.
"Yeah kid. We'll talk later." He pressed his teeth against your temple again as he clung to you like a life line.