Can't Go Home Again-
-story contains strong language - R
Spoilers up to Hot Dogs
Summary: Duncan is a little too good at running away...
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It was deceptively easy to disappear; to fade into the world at large and leave everything behind. It was hard at first, the son of Jake Kane is used to living in a certain level of comfort and losing that was harder than he'd like to admit. He'd always thought of himself as beyond the thrall of money, after all there were more important things in the world. His friends all relied on the security of their trust funds far too much for his liking. That's why he didn't think much of leaving home to face the big bad world without the safety net of his Discover, Visa and Master Cards. But after the first night in a squalid little hotel in a not so safe neighborhood in Cuba, he ran towards the first Ritz-Carlton he could find. It amazed him, to think of how far he'd come from those days. He can now proudly say if there's a motel in the world without indoor plumbing, infested with vermin and non-existent room service, he's been there. Twice.
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There were many close calls, particularly in the first few years. The closest was Keith Mars. A few seconds, a few inches, and Duncan would have been packed off back to Neptune. But time was a great ally and three years after his amazing escape, he could safely walk through the streets without much worry of being caught. Fifteen years later, he sure no one's looking anymore. In fact, he doesn't bother with the beard or fake names anymore. He's Duncan, no one bothers to ask for his last name and if they did, he sure no red flags would raise if he answers "Kane."
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The first girl he dated, actually dated not just slept with, since he ran was nothing like the old Veronica or Meg or even the new Veronica. It wasn't until she called him "lover" in a moment of passion that he noticed the similarities to Lilly. He ran from the city without even packing his meager belongings. After all, running away really seemed to be working for him so far.
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He lives in paradise now. A little island in the Bahamas where he rents out his boat to the tourists to eek out a living. He might have worried about running into old acquaintances except they probably wouldn't recognize him now. Even without the beard, the sun baked skin, the physique born out of hard physical labor and myriad of tattoos serve as a disguise of their own.
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His second serious relationship post absconding was with a grad student in Brazil. He did odd jobs to pay for his crappy motel room in a horrible neighborhood and she was slumming to piss off her parents. She'd know him as Alexander Marucci who was running from the Mob in Chicago because he'd testified against the head honcho's son in court. He couldn't understand how a girl about to get her Masters in advanced Mathematics couldn't recognize his bullshit when he realized she probably knew he was lying and really didn't give a damn. He actually managed a good bye or at least a good-bye screw in her parents' bedroom that time.
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He's been living here for the past three years and if he's not careful, he may actually settle down. He has friends, by which he means there are people who would notice if he fell off the face of the earth. He dates, actual dates to restaurants and movies with women he enjoys spending time with. No anonymous sex or messed up relationships with emotionally unavailable women. He might actually be in a committed, loving relationship one day. He has hobbies that don't involve drugs or the possibility of arrest. He fishes. He's been running since the day he left Neptune and he finally realizes that it's not what he was running from but what he was searching for. He thinks that after fifteen years maybe he's finally found it. Home.
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He still thinks about them. He'd expected, hoped really, that with time, it would stop but without fail everyday, something would remind him of the life he'd left behind and the people he was hiding from. In the early days, the visions were vivid, horrifying. He and Veronica fucking while Lilly stood in the corner, bleeding and in her pep squad outfit cheering them on. Lilly staring at him with trusting eyes as he bludgeoned her with various objects. He and Meg in the middle of heavy make out session when Jake walks in to announce that she, too, is his sister. And those were the mild ones. He hasn't had any of those in a while. They stopped around the time he decided to stop the copious amounts drugs and/or alcohol he consumed. His dreams now are of a far more peaceful nature. He thinks of Molly the dog and how irritated Lilly got when it wouldn't sit when ordered. He can almost taste Veronica's Snicker doodles or see Logan making an ass of himself trying to impress Lilly when they were thirteen. He can hear his mother's voice as she reads him a bedtime story and see his father jumping up and down celebrating his win during a soccer game. Definitely memories of the misty and water colored variety.
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He scans the newspaper for familiar names more out of habit than any actual curiosity. In the past fifteen years, the only name he's ever come across was Aaron Echolls in the entertainment section and he expects no different today. Except the face staring back at him from today's front-page is not that of his once best friend's father but his own.
Billionaire Jake Kane dies
Software mogul Jake Kane, who turned his fledgling company into an industry giant after inventing the streaming video, passed away late last night at St. Alexander's Hospital in Neptune, California. The sixty-eight year old complained of chest pains yesterday afternoon and was rushed to the hospital. He suffered a massive heart attack and was pronounced dead by the doctors soon after his arrival. Kane's success in the business world is contrasted by the many personal tragedies that plagued his life. His daughter …
He gave up all thoughts of returning home years ago. He's changed far too much to simply re-insert himself into his old life. And honestly, he's spent nearly half his life running away from the ghosts of his past and he's not ready to face them now. Because if he's perfectly honest with himself, he's still a little bit in love with Veronica, misses having Logan as a friend, just plain misses Lilly and scared of his mother. Mostly, he's terrified of disappointing his father.
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He hops on the earliest, cheapest flight he can find heading to California and lands in L.A. at two in the morning. He arrives in Neptune an hour later and checks into The Camelot. It's funny how the most momentous, life-altering occasions of his life seem to involve the Camelot. The first person he sees back home isn't his mother, or Veronica or even Logan but Meg Manning and not too eager to have a conversation with her, Duncan ducks. He isn't lucky and Meg spots him.
"Oh my God."
"Meg, hi."
"Duncan? You're…well you're alive. That's …wow."
Her hair is longer and she looks older or maybe just not as naïve anymore and he wonders if he has anything to do with that. But he's got enough to feel guilty about without adding Meg Manning's loss of innocence to that list.
"How've you been, Meg?"
"Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that? I heard about your dad."
She still has that soft voice, full of concern and that smile he loved about her. She's also sporting an engagement ring and he wonders about all the break-ups and make-ups he's missed these past years.
"So, I see you're getting married. Who's the lucky guy?"
If she noticed his horrible segue to avoid discussing his father, she didn't let it show.
"Cassidy."
He couldn't remember any Cassidy in the 09er set, but it had been a while.
"Cassidy…?"
"Beaver. But no one calls him that anymore."
"Dick's little brother Beaver? That Beaver?
"Yes that Beaver. I know it's…weird. We went to the same college and we were friends for years before we started dating. He just proposed last month. It was just amazing."
He can see the glow in her eyes, the silly grin and the thousand other clichés associated with love. Meg and the Beaver. It made sense, the two most unassuming in their group together. He could tell she wanted to go on. Ask about him. The questions were practically burning in her eyes.
"That's great. Look Meg, I've got to go."
Disappointment floods her face and he can make something else out there; resignation. She expected to be cut off because he's done it before, cut her off from him. Even while they were dating, he'd kept her at a distance.
"It was great seeing you Duncan. I'm glad you're back."
After leaving Meg, he heads home more because he's got nothing else to do than out of any actual desire to be there. The gardener eyes him suspiciously as he walks up to the door and he's never felt so out of place. He rings the doorbell and waits only a few seconds before it swings open to reveal an immaculately dressed Celeste.
"Hi mom."
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"Duncan, oh Duncan."
His mother flings herself at him and as he holds her, he can forget all the resentment and anger he harbors toward her. She's smaller than he remembers and while she's sobbing into his shoulder, he just wants to hold his Mom and forget everything. He can't understand what he was so afraid of, why he didn't come home sooner.
She finally releases him and he's surprised to see that her make-up's smudged. There are wrinkles on her face and he can finally appreciate that she's well into her sixties now; she's human. She hastily wipes her tears away and she's finally seems to notice his appearance. He sees the flicker of disapproval on her face but she hides it.
"Where have you been?"
"Everywhere."
His answer is concise but true and certainly not what she wants to hear.
"We were so worried. Why'd you leave, Duncan?"
"With everything…I mean Lilly and Veronica…I just had to get away."
"Veronica's not your sister."
He was expecting more tears, more hugs, more questions. Not that.
"What? You said…"
"I was wrong. We…your father requested a paternity test after you…turns out they'd had one done already. Keith Mars is her father."
The shock is gone, only the anger remains.
"Paternity test? So you told me my girlfriend was my sister without even bothering with a paternity test first?"
"The possibility was certainly there! Your father and that woman were having an affair for years. And when you and Veronica first started dating, Jake was so discomforted, I knew…I just knew."
Celeste is back in tears. Her eyes are begging for his understanding, forgiveness. But Duncan's only got bitterness.
"You knew? That's great. There's people who spend years in school learning genetics and there are expensive machines solely dedicated to figuring these things out but screw all that because you knew! That's fine then. That completely justifies you ruining my life!"
"You seem to be forgetting Duncan that your father was the one who put us in this position to begin with."
"You told me that the girl I was in love with, the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was my sister. You don't think that was, I don't know, bad? I spent years trying to get through this stuff, trying to get it sorted out in my head. And then Lilly."
She doesn't look vulnerable anymore, no longer human. Her cold façade has returned and it makes hating her just that much easier.
"You can hate me if you want but I did it for you. I told you about Veronica before it was too late, before you got too involved. I did everything for you."
"I'd say you were a little late, Mother. What did you mean everything?"
The truth, not exactly a shock given what he's just heard, nonetheless makes his stomach drop.
"Veronica was right. You paid Abel Koontz to confess because…I killed Lilly…?"
"When we came home that day, you were holding Lilly and you were…catatonic."
"So maybe I didn't do it. Maybe, maybe I found her and or maybe I saw what happened and…"
Anything, anything but that.
"Duncan…sweetheart, please. Calm down."
"If I did it then you should have gone to the cops. You should have told them the truth."
"We couldn't do that. It would have ruined your life. We couldn't allow that over an accident."
"And Lilly? She's dead so it doesn't matter?"
"Don't you think I want to change things? The last thing I said to Lilly before she died was 'stop acting like a slut.' Don't you think I want to take that back? Tell her I love her? Because I did. I love you too Duncan. Everything I did was to protect you."
"You covered up Lilly's murder! What if it wasn't me? You helped Lilly killer walk free. How can you live with that?"
"I had no choice! Between potentially letting the murderer go free and having you carted off to jail…I did what I had to. I'm sorry you can't understand that."
"Lilly was right. You are a bitch."
"We all play the roles we're given, Duncan. And some of us can't run away when things get complicated."
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The funeral was a muted affair. He's sure there are as many people there to see him as there are to pay respects to his father but his mother runs a tight ship. No reporters and he's shielded from the worst of the gawking. He's on the look out for familiar faces so he can hide, not reminisce. Once again, it's Meg who corners him.
"You can't hide forever you know."
"I'm not exactly in the mood for twenty questions."
"They care about you Duncan. Well, some of them in any case."
Another bout of extreme guilt assaults him.
"I'm sorry, Meg. For leaving like that, for not telling you anything."
"It hurt, when you left, I was worried but even back then I kind of figured you and I weren't exactly cut out for the 'forever and ever' route. I mean it was pretty obvious you weren't completely over Veronica. Have you spoken to her?"
That's one conversation he's been dreading for months, years actually.
"No. I kind of thought I'd start with the easier ones, you know. Look up Logan. Is he still here or did he run off somewhere, too?"
Meg looks startled and Duncan worries about Logan. His friend wasn't always the epitome of mental health and drunk Logan was known for his stupid stunts. Meg digs into her purse and scribbles furiously before handing him a folded piece of paper.
"I think you should really call Veronica. Talk to her. I've got to get going but I am glad you're back you know."
She hugs him and he's glad because that's one thing he's dealt with, his guilt over using Meg. After she, and all other guests leave, he saunters around his father's coffin alone. Jake Kane is barely recognizable. His hair is all white; there is no remaining vestige of health or youth left in his face. He looks a broken man and Duncan wonders how much of that was due to him. He doesn't begin to talk until he's sure they're alone.
"So I never went to Harvard, or any college for that matter. I'm not a lawyer or doctor or the president. I'm a beach bum and I'm almost broke. But, for what's its worth, I'm the best beach bum there is. I screwed up big time Dad. I have so many regrets, its ridiculous. I wish I'd figured everything out with everyone before I took off. I wish I could forgive Mom and move on. I wish I'd told you how much I hated you for ...everything. I also wish I came back sooner to tell you that I miss you. I love you, Dad."
He called the number that night.
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He hoped she was ugly or at least fat. Somehow he feels this meeting would be easier for him if she couldn't affect him like before. Of course, it was more than just her looks that captivated him but he needs the upper hand here and drooling over her now would put him at a decided disadvantage.
Nothing in his life's every gone exactly his way and the trend doesn't seem to be coming to an end anytime soon. She's gorgeous, better looking than in high school really. Her hair is longer than when he last saw her but not as long as it used to be. She's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, comfort over fashion, but he can't imagine anything else more suiting or alluring. He could never tell what color eyes she had, not because he didn't notice but because he could never think of a name for the color. Not simply blue or green, they seemed to change every time he saw her and they were the same now. They were still enigmatic. A certain radiance frames her face and she looks…ethereal. If there was any doubt that he still had feelings for Veronica, he could now state without reservation that yes, he still loved her.
"Hello, Veronica."
"Duncan."
The hug is strange, neither is sure where to place their hands or how long to hold on to each other.
"You look great."
"You are still a horrible liar."
"No, really, you look great."
"Duncan, I have various food particles stuck to my clothes, bags under my eyes and I spent all night up with a sick toddler. Politeness aside, I look like crap."
"You have kids?"
"Three. Hanna's the oldest. Eight. Cameron's five and Tyler's two."
He shouldn't be surprised; after all, that is what people did, get married, procreate, become productive members of civilized society, it was what he would have done had he stayed. Still, the unease haunts him. She's moved on and he's still stuck.
"That's great."
"Yeah, well they have their moments. How about you? Any…"
"No, no kids not married."
"A unburdened bachelor, huh?"
"Something like that, yeah. So who'd you…please tell me it's not Dick."
"Casablancas? Are you out of your mind?"
"Sorry, I ran into Meg and…"
"Cassidy, yeah that was a real shock. Rest assured, all is right with the world, no one actually married Dick although Madison did come close."
"So you…?"
"Logan."
He must have gone temporarily deaf. Either that or Logan is a more common name than he realized.
"Echolls?"
"That's the one."
"You married Logan Echolls?"
"Got the ring to prove it and everything."
She flashes her left hand and suddenly he can imagine his father's last moments on earth. The tightening in the chest, sensitivity to light and sound, he's having a heart attack.
"Oh. That's…um…surprising."
"You should have seen the reaction we had in high school."
The rest of the surroundings are staring to blur now. Veronica herself takes on an almost misty appearance.
"You've been together since high school?"
"Yeah. Since when you left, actually."
His breathing's ragged but Veronica has come back into focus and he takes that as a good sign.
"Oh…uh…okay."
He's proud of himself. No one is hurt, no screaming, no blood and as far as he can tell, no hear attack.
"Well, now that we've got the awkward moments and obligatory Q and A session out of the way, what say we cut the crap? You left."
"You accused me of murder."
"I said your family paid Abel Koontz to confess; I didn't specifically say you did it."
"Same difference."
"Look, even if I did accuse you, you ran away for fifteen years, Duncan."
If he were a better person, he would admit that she was right. That there is every possibility that he did murder his sister and the Kanes did cover it up. But he's feeling petty.
"Who did it, Veronica? What really happened to Lilly Kane? Enquiring minds are dying to know, what is the real truth behind Lilly's murder?"
"I don't know."
Years of resentment and bitterness flood him; he's not going to let this go. He can't.
"I thought finding out the truth about Lilly murder was your raison d'etre, your mission statement. What happened, you got a little side-tracked by Logan?"
"Would you rather it was Dick?"
"The point is, you moved on!"
"That's what people do! In fact, it's kind of the point of life, to keep moving on!"
And there it was, the giant polka dotted, samba dancing elephant in the room. She'd moved on and in a way, he had too. Only they went in opposite directions and now they couldn't even have a simple conversation without some issue or other getting in the way. Lilly, Jake, Lianne, Celeste, Logan, each other.
"I'm sorry. For accusing you, for bringing this up now, for…so what do you do now?"
She's avoiding things. They still have things to discuss; the paternity, Logan, the murder, Shelly Pomeroy's party but he's had a long, exhausting week and he's grateful for the change in subject.
"I fish."
"You fish? As in you're a fisherman?"
"Among other things, yeah."
"Duncan Kane, fisherman."
Her laugh is genuine, entrancing. They're back to high school, on one of their dates, simply enjoying each other's company.
"You should come over to the house. See the kids and Logan."
And the elephant is back.
"Veronica, I don't…"
She rescues him once more and he's beginning to wonder if they'll ever be able to have a normal, non-awkward conversation again.
"So where do you live?"
He goes into detail about fishing because it safe. He somewhat sure there's no discomfited moments in describing fishing in the Bahamas.
"So all this time, my Dad's been running all around the world looking for you and you were fishing? In the Bahamas?"
"Your Dad came the closest you know."
"Dad'll be happy to hear that. You know he's still disappointed."
"Oh yeah?"
"Well, you are the one that got away."
It may be a girlish thing to do but Duncan would freely admit that when he and Veronica were dating, he thought of marriage, a house with a white picket fence fencing in two point five children and a dog. He didn't really like cats but maybe a hamster or something. In fact, the one time he mentioned this to Logan, his friend ridiculed him to no end and dubbed him Mr. Veronica Mars. He thinks it time to maybe visit the new Mr. Veronica Mars.
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He enters the house with little resistance; there are no guards. He follows the unmistakable sounds of raucous children to the back, by the pool. A dark blonde girl chases a younger dark-haired boy around the pool, both are screaming. Logan meanwhile is dealing with a young child, a toddler, who's crying due to some apparent injury. The dark-haired boy is the first to notice him.
"Daddy, there's some strange man here."
The girl leans in to whisper, rather loudly, "I bet he's here to take you away Cam."
"No he's not! Daddy!"
Logan walks up still holding the youngest boy.
"Duncan. It's been a while, man."
They clasp hands and lean in for a pseudo hug.
"So this is the gang. The cute blonde over there is Hanna."
She responds with an exasperated, "Daddy!"
He points to the dark haired boy standing next to Hanna.
"The one scowling is Cameron and this," he gestures to the still whimpering child in his arms, "this is Tyler."
The children are staring at him in curiosity and it occurs to Duncan that, had he stayed, he wouldn't have been a stranger to Logan's kids. He would have been 'uncle' Duncan, there for every birthday, holiday, piano recital and peewee football game. But then Cameron looks at him with Veronica's inscrutable eyes and he realizes that, had he stayed, these children would have been his.
The older children soon lose interest and return to whatever game he'd interrupted. It's not until he and Logan are seated across from each other that Tyler's tears stop.
"He ran into the pool chair," Logan offers as an explanation somewhat apologetically.
Cameron's the chaser now and judging by Hanna's screams, she isn't too pleased with whatever he's holding. Duncan gets a sudden vision of Logan pouring iced tea on a tanning Trina and running away shouting in glee.
"He's just like you."
"Worse," Logan replies simply. "At least he listens to Ver…his mother."
Exactly two minutes and twelve seconds.
"I saw her the other day."
"I know she told me."
Of course, wives probably did tell their husbands about things like that. Yet he still can't picture Logan and Veronica sharing any emotional intimacy. Unfortunately, his mind was only too eager to generate pictures of their physical intimacy but emotional, remained a blank.
"I sorry about your Dad. I wanted to come to the funeral but I had this case."
"You're a lawyer?"
"Assistant district attorney."
It's not like they would live off of Aaron forever; they had to have jobs. But Logan on the law and order side of things is disconcerting to say the least.
"Don't look so shocked, man. I spent enough time dealing with the legal system, might as well get a degree for my troubles. I can charge people for the pleasure of talking to me now."
"It's nice to know some things haven't changed. I see your ego's as inflated as ever."
It's his smirk that gets to Duncan.
"So how long did you wait before you moved in on Veronica?"
Tyler chooses this moment to let a large yawn escape.
"Hanna! Cam! Take Tyler inside, will you? It's time for his nap. And finish your homework while you're there."
A sulky Hanna carefully carries her brother inside with Cameron on her heels.
"That's not fair, Duncan. Veronica and I had a lot of shit to work through."
"Yes, I can see your suffering."
"I'm not going to apologize for my family."
"How about betraying your friend? You're not supposed to date your friend's ex."
"That's what this is about? So you would be just as upset if I married Meg or that chick you went out with after Lilly died?"
"No, no I wouldn't. But it's Veronica and you knew what she meant to me."
"We wanted to tell you ourselves. Before anyone else found out but we didn't exactly get the chance."
"What am I supposed to say? Congratulations on stealing my life?"
"It's not your life DK! Your life is fishing and boats and whatever the hell else you do. You left, I didn't. You want someone to be pissed off at maybe you should look at yourself."
It's scary how powerful envy can be. Before coming back, he'd been happy with his life. Didn't think of Veronica or Logan as anything more than ghosts of his past and now, he was attacking them for not what? A small part of him, the narcissistic part he'd like to deny exists, thought that Neptune would stay frozen. Everything and everyone would remain as it was fifteen years ago just waiting for him to return so they could continue.
"I'm sorry man. Its just not what I expected you know?"
"Trust me Duncan, I can't believe it sometimes either. This was supposed to be you man and I was supposed to, I don't know, fish in the Bahamas."
They spend the rest of the night catching up. He tells Logan about his neighbor One-Eyed Jack and Elsie the redhead. Logan entertains him with tales of the kids and even when Veronica makes an occasional appearance, it's not entirely uncomfortable.
"So are you staying?"
"I don't know, I got to get home you know?"
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He thinks that while he was trying to figure things out, his best friend snuck in and stole his life. Someone replaced his stern but strong mother with the cold woman standing before him today and girl he loved, loves, lived their life with a substitute for him. And he thinks that maybe, its okay. In another world, where Lilly never died and Jake was a faithful husband, he and Veronica would be together. He and Logan would still be best friends and his mother would be happy. But that world doesn't exist and woulda, shoulda, couldas are worth jack shit in the real world.
It seems silly but he truly believes that running away from home at the age of seventeen was the best thing that he's ever done. Neptune has a way of tangling its web around every aspect of your life until you're frozen into a position society approves of, a mere mockery of yourself. His mother was right; we are all given roles to play in our lives. Perfect son, loving brother, enamored boyfriend, erstwhile best friend, but we can choose to let those roles define us forever or move on past them. He's escaped, pulled free and it took him years to come to terms with who he was then, who he was expected to be and who he is now. The regrets are still there. As are the what-ifs and if-onlys, but he's forged the life he has now from pain, disappointment and hardship. And it suits him, who he is now. His father once said all he wanted for Duncan was to be happy. While he may not be happy in the full sense of the word, he's content and that's good enough for him.
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A/N - So this was my very first VM fanfic. I've posted it elsewhere but seeing as how I've got this brand new FFN account, I thought I'd post here as well. All reviews (the good, bad and ugly) will be greatly appreciated.