Something was wrong.
Jayfeather rustled in his nest, opening his sightless blue eyes, as his spine prickled alit with alarm. Cautiously, the gray tabby lifted his head and gave a quick taste to the surrounding air. A foreboding sense of despair lay thickly congested through the atmosphere. Intrusive and sharp, Jayfeather was left astounded that such an ominous force could had so thoroughly permeated through the walls of the medicine cat den without him noticing.
As if a dam had suddenly sprung a leak and viciously burst open, a tidal wave of searing ardent and churning emotions fell in tandem, knocking into the medicine cat's lithe form. Jayfeather gasped, giving a gargled panicked yowl of fright as he felt himself being forcefully swept away with the current.
He instinctively winced and inwardly retreated within himself to escape the fierce output of disconcertment.
What is this? Who is this coming from? He questioned while gritting his fangs against the brunt of the psychological barrage.
Jayfeather fought to his paws, mentally repelling the ongoing onslaught by casting out pulses of his own will to counteract it. This by far had to be the most severe stroke of emotional backlash he had encountered. He could hardly begin to fathom how a cat could withstand such a debilitating affliction.
Finding a momentary lapse through the clout of disarray, Jayfeather reached out with his mind in an inquisitive sweep across the ThunderClan camp. Adapting the internal visual sight of his mind's eye, he sought the location of the abhorrent disturbance by glossing across the sectors of the hollow.
From his position, Jayfeather could see, rather feel, Cloudtail standing guard at the tunnel entrance on night duty, Leafpool tending to queens and kits in the nursery den, and Bramblestar lying awake in his nest glancing at the roof of his den. Those were the few woken consciences that he could touch upon. Every other cat whose thoughts he prodded lay soundly asleep in their nests.
All except one.
A repugnant, internalized shriek pierced Jayfeather's skull. The discomfiting cry scattered and then shattered the image illusion of his mind's sight, harshly propelling the tabby back into his familiar world of darkness.
None of this mattered though as Jayfeather shot off into the back of his den. He had glimpsed all he needed to adequately grasp the situation from that split second. His pawsteps were purposeful, enraged, panicked, and true all in one as he raised his paw.
"Mousebrain! What are you doing?!"
Jayfeather swiped his paw through the air, knocking the berries from Briarlight's paw, sending them scattering across the floor of the den. He briefly registered a startled jolt shoot from the dark brown warrior at the appearance of the incensed tabby before her, as Jayfeather took charge of the situation.
There was no care taken as he forcefully pushed the hobbled Briarlight over and pried her jaws wide open. Removing any sense of decency or personal etiquette out of the equation entirely, Jayfeather nearly shoved his entire muzzle down her throat, sniffing deeply and urgently in the span of three heartbeat intervals every time as he thoroughly inspected her mouth.
All the while, Briarlight weakly attempted to detach the tom from herself, but it was as if Jayfeather had become made out of immovable stone with the sheer veracity that he currently possessed.
Without so much as a hint of notice Jayfeather suddenly dislodged himself from Briarlight and disappeared into the further depths of the medicine den. He returned possibly half a heartbeat of a second later, carrying a mouthful of flowers that he immediately deposited in front of her.
"Eat them," ordered Jayfeather, coldly.
Briarlight began to argue weakly. "But I-."
"Eat them!" demanded Jayfeather, his fangs snapping together.
Under the intense glare of Jayfeather, she had no other choice than to acquiesce. Briarlight bent her head down and lapped up the flowers. Chewing for several moments before quickly swallowing, she immediately felt her throat begin to clench up and lock.
Briarlight's stomach withdrew in on itself and she retched out painfully, pooling onto the floor a puddle of dark spittle that Jayfeather dropped down and immediately began to sniff. He scoured the bile with a quizzical and clinical attentiveness that went beyond the standards of what the brown she-cat was used to experiencing from the striped tom.
Constantly, Jayfeather would give a whiff to the pile of bile on the floor and then pause, as if slowly deciphering what it was that he smelt, before going right back in for another go round. Briarlight remained silent throughout the duration of his evaluation.
There was nothing that she could ever possibly say that would appease or pacify the sheer rage that was brewing within Jayfeather. What she had just tried to do - what he had just stopped her from committing. Words were unlikely to mean much in this scenario.
With a sharp grunt, Jayfeather rose from the heavy inspection, his rigid form slightly relaxing as he took a few steps back. He stood statue like, stoic and indecipherable, as his blue eyes slowly averted their sightlessness upwards into the air.
Briarlight lay filled with burning shame and aversion. She had never seen Jayfeather so angry. She had never seen him so deathly quiet as he was now before her. She morosely wondered what would be his first reaction now that he had successfully managed to neutralize her wild act of imprudence.
A paralyzing chill begin to set over her body as it finally fully dawned over her at what she'd just tried to do. She began to shiver in response, but not from the chill or strangled sense of relief at still being here. No, she felt empty. A hollow, thudding emptiness that left her displaced.
"Where did you find them?" Jayfeather's tight voice reached out to her. His tail whipped across the scattered pile of glittering red berries littered around them without a single other word.
Briarlight's eyes closed shut and then she buried her head into her paws. She couldn't stand to face him, not after she had betrayed his trust so harshly.
There were few things that Jayfeather and Leafpool readily agreed on, but the one thing that was unanimous between the two of them was the fact that they did not stock deathberries. The idea that she had even managed to smuggle something like that into the camp must have infuriated him to no end.
How could she manage to explain to him that she had never originally planned on using them? That the only reason that she had gathered them in the first place was to serve as a safety precaution for her own piece of mind. It was never supposed to drift to this extreme only as a reminder that if things ever grew tougher than tolerable an exit was in the near vicinity.
Jayfeather decided to change directions with his interrogation. "Does anyone else know about all this?" he prodded.
He would give her the chance to answer instead by sparing her him invading her thoughts. If truth be told, after this ordeal Jayfeather was extremely reluctant to go near her thoughts again.
Face still covered, Briarlight shook her head while trembling.
"Are you going to tell me why you would attempt such a mousebrained act?"
Briarlight receded into herself further, blocking out the gray tabby completely. Jayfeather sighed in response and then drew close, crouching down besides next to her.
"I'm not going anywhere, Briarlight," he told her. "I'm going to wait here and sit until you've finished talking. I promise I won't interrupt you nor will I berate you. I just want to know what happened….please," implored the medicine cat, in a tone that wasn't accustomed of him, surprising her greatly. Jayfeather didn't say please. He hardly had anything civil to say on most occasions. "I can't help if you don't talk. I need to listen to know what's wrong."
His voice was steady and calm, something Briarlight clearly hadn't expected of him. Where was the famous rage? The vicious, biting retort that he usually spoke with? Why was Jayfeather being so kind to her?
"I'm sorry," she whispered out through the muffle of her paws. "I-i.. know it was foolish. I," she took a moment to pause, removing her head from her paws to finally face Jayfeather for the first time that night. If she was going to tell her story, than she at least owed it to Jayfeather not too shy away from the obvious truths about herself.
"Things have just been so hard for me lately. More so than they used to be back when this," she motioned to the lower half of her body forgetting the fact though that Jayfeather could not see her, "first happened. I've tried my best to stay upbeat and keep it hidden from everyone else. I did my absolute best to smile and laugh as much as I possibly could, even when it hurt so much. But when I'm alone at night with my own thoughts there's nothing I can do to keep them at bay. It hurts to feel and be so useless. It hurts so much that my heart aches every time I see everyone else walking around free and proving an asset to the Clan while I'm here dragging myself along as some makeshift cat. Everything about me is half. I live a half existence, and I'm half a cat."
"I did my best and always tried to remember what you said about everyone seeing me as a valuable member of the Clan. I played with the kits, helped change moss, tended to the elders, constantly doing my exercises to stay better, everything! I did it all trying to prove to myself that the words you said were true. But slowly…slowly overtime after everything with the battle had occurred and we were all back to normal, I was painfully reminded of just how unnormal I was. I felt terrible when I first realized that I was thinking like this, that I was just a burden to everyone, that everything would be better if I just vanished. From days on end I would be raptured by these condescending and horrible thoughts about what an unfulfilled life I was leading and the effect it must have on everyone else. These thoughts became worse and worse by the day until I found myself drowning in them. It was like in the blink of an eye all the life was sucked from right out of me. All the energy and motivation I may have been brimming to the tip with just seconds ago was now gone. For me that was always the worst part. That sudden drop in self-confidence was like free falling thousands of feet in the air to suddenly be brought back to reality by a jeering and sharp jerk. Imagine trying to shake off a second layer of skin that's not yours thrown over your own."
Briarlight closed her eyes for a moment, inhaling sharply as Jayfeather continued to listen on with rapt attention. "There was a moment where I was out alone in the forest. I had volunteered to help Leafpool gather herbs while you worked one day and in the midst of searching I came across them." She gave another sharp intake of air as she steadied herself for the rest of the story. "I knew how you two felt about them, especially Leafpool, but my intention when taking them wasn't to ever use them, I swear to StarClan. They were meant to help, I guess…the days where things got more than I could withstand they were just meant to be a safety trigger. A piece of solace to soothe me…let me know that if it ever got truly unbearable I had a way out. In StarClan you'll be able to wal.." her voice cracked and she hid her face back into her paws. Not resurfacing for several heartbeats after she'd finally managed to regain herself slightly.
She felt absolutely horrid, like she was the lowest thing in existence, leeching off of the protection and kindness of others. Kindness and protection that she honestly in the bottom of her heart felt that she did not deserve.
"You probably think I'm being selfish," replied Briarlight, ruefully, sorrow starting to engulf her voice.
"No," answered Jayfeather, shocking her out of the haze of self-pity. She turned her head to face the stripped tom who looked on ahead unseeing, his face resolute and smooth. "There's nothing selfish about not wanting to hurt anymore. I understand that very well. More than you'd ever realized.
That set lights off in Briarlight's mind. The brown warrior couldn't believe what she was hearing. Jayfeather actually understood where she was coming from? He knew what it felt like? So then did that mean what she thought it did?
"Jayfeather," she spoke hesitantly, unsure whether or not it was a good thing to ask what she was about to. "Have…have you had thoughts similar to me? Thoughts about…not wanting to be around anymore?"
"I-" a quiver rippled along the flank of Jayfeather. The gray tabby appeared at conflict with his own thoughts, locked in perpetual hesitation. "Yes," he finally sighed, sounding as if he'd released himself from a constricting snare. "Yes I have. It's not something I'm proud to admit, but it crossed my mind several times in my youth."
"Was it because of your…you know?"
Jayfeather snorted, smiling sardonically at Briarlight. "My blindness? No, not exactly. I had more or less come to grips with the limitations of what not being able to see left me with. What I couldn't stand though, was not being able to fill the hole that it left. Just because you accept something horrible about your life it doesn't mean that you're happy with it. You just learn to live with it, but living with it is probably harsher and a lot crueler than the average cat would ever know."
Briarlight felt a sense of wonder at hearing Jayfeather reiterate her exact feelings so precise and telling, as if he were able to read her very thoughts. How could she have never guessed that someone like Jayfeather may resonate with her own plight?
"When I said I knew exactly how you felt. I wasn't lying," Jayfeather continued. "I know the feeling well. I know how it seeps into the skin, past your bones and other organs into the bare trenches of your heart and soul. The hollowness burrows deep into you, lodging itself somewhere near your core where it then proceeds to sap the vitality out of you. You lose the sheer will to even want to get up in the morning. It's suffocating in the worst possible way. It's like drowning, but not at least being allowed the small freeing respite of being able to black out. It's a thudding, echoless pulse that endlessly rings throughout your being. What it does then is leave nothing but a gaping hole that almost feels impossible to ever fill back up. In the case of some, they don't want to take the chance of filling it back up. There are too many variables at play, too much doubt to believe that things could possibly one day get better. It's a sickness, but one that herbs cannot heal." He paused, focusing the full extent of his intense blind blue gaze upon her sprawled form besides him.
"For a very long time how I dealt with things was by simply not acknowledging them. A kind of dissociation with anything that brought about the slightest hint of grief or pang within me. It was easier that way, so much easier, but I recognize it was not the smartest or healthiest choice. It doesn't solve anything, only serving to cover it for a while where it festers and grows in wait. You're trying to keep busy, doing all these things to feel and act normal. You want to be normal. You want to feel fine. You desperately crave it with such a ravenous and verdant passion that your body aches because of it. And that's how it destroys you."
"How did you get past it?" Briarlight mewed in a placating manner, her eyes wide and desperately eager for the answer.
If he was sitting here tonight next to her than that means that Jayfeather had discovered the way out right? It was the only logical explanation that she could make out. It had to be true! He had said it couldn't be healed by herbs so then that means that it had to be something else. Something that only Jayfeather had discovered and knew about.
Jayfeather could sense the waves of anxiousness and skeptical hopefulness emanating from Briarlight. The gray tabby internally sighed, knowing that this final part was not going to be easy to correlate to the disabled warrior who had her hopes set so high and hinged upon the idea that he possessed all the answers to her life's puzzle. He didn't want to give you the wrong advice here. But neither did he want to discourage her.
"Truth be told some days are still tough for me," he relented after a while to the feel of Briarlight's heart dropping. He knew it must sting for her to hear, but he needed to press on and continue if he was ever going to pull her back now. "There are a lot of times where I still get up in the morning and that hollowness is lurking near the back of my head, waiting, anticipating the momentary lapse where I allow it to submerge me back into the abyss. Sometimes it actually even looks inviting for a split second before I snatch myself back and trudge along with my life. And there's a reason why I always manage to pull myself back in time. I realized something that was detrimental to my life.
"I had kin and Clanmates that all cared for me deeply, and me back to them likewise, but I still couldn't shake the feelings of the hollowness despite how many people would be broken if I was to ever go away. And then one day, I suddenly realized why that was the way I felt. Something so simple and straight to the point that most probably miss it if they don't understand and share the same feelings as you do: All the love in the world means nothing if you don't love yourself.
"I realized that to live simply for the sake of others is a discredit to your importance as a living being. Even if you dislike yourself, even if the very sight and thought of you makes you sick and despise yourself even more day by day, you are still important. You matter. For me it isn't worth living if you can't find it in yourself to live for yourself first. Friends and family are necessary; they definitely help in the long run. But if you're going to survive, literally just survive a night alone, you need to summon something from the depths of your own essence and latch onto it with every fiber of hurt, pain, and anger, elation, triumph, whatever, and never let go. Never relinquish it. Let it be your anchor. And maybe, just maybe, down the line somewhere, you can start to feel the tiniest trickle of something that isn't horrible and explore it for something more.
"As I said before, there's nothing selfish about not wanting to hurt anymore. But I find it inexcusable to rob yourself of your own existence. You mean much more than that. Even if you refuse to believe otherwise. Your life is a mark on this world to show and prove that you are here and that you do exist. And for me the mere idea of you being around makes you just as important and vital to everyone as the strongest warrior or the leader himself."
He turned to her with those final words, staring sightlessly at her as he tried to gauge her reaction. As far as he could sense from her she was a complete blank slate. Not a single emotion stirred or called out from within her, and in that instant fear placed in Jayfeather's heart at the notion that he had failed.
What he was asking of her was a massive hurdle to cross, one that he himself had not fully accomplished as of yet. It was a daily growing progression with getting to feel just a tiny bit more comfortable with living in your own skin, but would Briarlight see that? Could she understand it and then go on to execute it?
A warm gust of air filled the den and it took Jayfeather a moment to register that it was from Briarlight exhaling and not the wind. He felt the slightest inkling of introspective pondering exuding from her.
"So I need to work on myself? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well."
"Yes," Jayfeather replied, nudging her softly in the side with his nose. "But you don't have to do it alone. I'll make a deal with you. If we both agree to put more faith into ourselves, then we'll do the same for each other."
Surprise trickled from Briarlight before followed closely by a small hearth of warmness that while tiny still reciprocated the amount of feeling that Jayfeather needed to know that there was opportunity for growth. "Deal," Briarlight complied warmly, somehow making Jayfeather feel that she was giving him just the tiniest of smiles.
He gave a slightly larger one in return. "I want you to go get some rest while I dispose of all this. Starting in the morning I want you to talk to me every day, especially the times when you get to feeling worse then usual. I don't care when and I don't care about what. We're speaking whether either of us is in the mood or not."
"I don't know if my poor ears can handle talking to such a sharp tongued cat all day all the time," Briarlight lightly teased, starting to drag herself across the den back to her nest. Just before she laid herself down she swiveled her head back towards the gray medicine that was currently cleaning up the mess of berries. "Jayfeather?"
"Hmm?" he responded, turning his head in her direction.
"Thanks. I know it may not seem like it, but talking with you actually helped a bit. And about before, with what I was trying to do earlier. I-"
"Just promise to never do it again," he cut her off. "Promise it to yourself and to me."
Briarlight fell into silence before closing her eyes, taking a deep breath, and then reopening them again. "Okay," she said. "I promise."