Hay everyone. So I have been determined to rewrite history as I've not been that happy with the direction of Jackson and Aaron from the beginning. I especially didn't understand the crash – give it to someone else and let us get to see the relationship between the two boys blossom.

However the last couple of episodes of Emmerdale have changed my mind, I'm still not sure that it's the best message – that someone with a disability feels worthless to the extent of assisted suicide but with the way the last few episodes have been written and acted I can't help but love this storyline.

However this ends I'm sure it will be beautifully and delicately handled and below are my two pennies worth.

They were at Dale Head, just like always. A month ago Jackson had refused to leave and it had been like that ever since. These days you were lucky if you could convince him to be out of bed, to shower, to shave.

This morning he was pretending to be a sleep, he'd gotten good at that, keeping his breathing even and his eyes still beneath their lids. It had taken Aaron a while to realise but now he could read the signs clearly.

So he sat watching Jackson, waiting for him to get bored and open his eyes. Hazel had gone out, she was struggling to cope – earlier Jackson had spat his breakfast out. Jackson couldn't stand having her around; he'd scream at her and call her awful names which he didn't mean. He was just desperately trying to push those who cared about him away. It was his latest plan as begging hadn't got him anywhere.

Aaron stayed sat; he wasn't giving in to Jackson. Eventually Jackson opened his eyes.

"What you doing here?" Jackson forced out the words, it was as if he felt that even talking was a waste of time.

"I want to clean you up."

"I don't want to be cleaned up."

Aaron ignored him and reached for the buttons on Jackson's top. Jackson stared resolutely at the ceiling "You touch me and I'll scream".

Aaron dropped his hands away.

"What you doing here anyway, you've got work."

"I'm taking some time off."

Jackson scoffed; it was mirthless "What to teach me the meaning of life?"

Aaron shrugged and sat back down, days like this he was at a complete loss. A few months ago Aaron had snooped through Jackson's video diaries and discovered that Jackson wanted to end his life, from that day everything started going downhill at an alarming rate. At first Jackson had been willing to try counselling and had been put on antidepressants, but this hadn't improved things.

"You should go."

"I can't leave you."

Jackson sneered at him "It's not like anything's gonna happen to me is it!"

"Ok." Aaron gently conceded, he got up slowly, giving Jackson plenty of time to change his mind. He did that sometimes; sometimes he was scared of how vulnerable he was whilst alone.

Aaron left through the back door and slide down it; he wasn't going to leave until Hazel had returned, she needed to clear her head and he didn't know how long it would be before she returned.

It had been like this for ages, Jackson was refusing to do even the simplest things, he wouldn't smile and often wouldn't even acknowledge you. He wanted to die and nothing that anybody said could get through to him. Most nights Aaron would lie in bed, crying himself to sleep.

"I know your still there." Jackson called from the other side of the door.

Aaron leaned his head back "Can I come back in?" he asked softly but hopefully.

There was a moment of pause

"Yeah."

He stood up and gingerly opened the door; Jackson was looking straight at him.

"You always do what I ask you".

Aaron raised his eyebrows confused "Is that a bad thing?"

Jackson closed his eyes for a second "You never used too; I couldn't get you to listen to me."

Aaron nodded; he knew how difficult he could be.

"You never used to do lots of things."

Aaron bit his bottom lip, looking at Jackson – he looked so weary and small, Jackson hadn't been eating and it was starting to show.

"You know, the only time you would let me hold you was just after sex, only then."

Aaron pulled up the chair to sit closer to the bed; he waited for Jackson to continue.

"It only ever lasted until one of us moved out of bed. I hated that, the moment when you went and got a drink or wanted to watch telly." Jackson scrunched up his eyes "Sometimes I needed the toilet but I knew by the time I got back – you'd of shifted away from me and the intimacy would be over."

Aaron placed his hand over Jackson's "I'm sorry." he whispered

"I know why you did it. You thought it made you less of a man."

Aaron snorted softly, shaking his head – that's exactly why he wasted their first few months together.

Jackson continued "Sometimes at first it was hard to like you, but then once, we were in your bedroom listening to a CD, it was early evening and we were avoiding my Mum and Paddy". Jackson turned his head and looked at Aaron "Do you remember when I mean?"

Aaron shook his head.

"We were listening to Kashmir by Led Zeppelin, I don't even know why. We were both lying down on the bed and for some reason, completely out of the blue; you laid your arm across my stomach and rested your head on my chest. That was the only time. We laid like that for the rest of the 8 minute track and by the end I knew I loved you."

Aaron closed his eyes, he couldn't remember that and he felt sick, tears began to fall. He took a shaky breath.

"I didn't always know that I loved you Jackson, but I always knew I couldn't live without you."

Jackson rolled his head towards his hand where Aaron's lay on top, he didn't feel it.

"Jackson, please don't make me live without you."

Jackson looked at Aaron, tears were streaming down his face.

"You can change my top".

Probably to be continued...