TITLE: As I Am
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid
Rating: PG
SUMMARY: (Season 6) Sam POV as he wonders about Dean's acceptance of him, and his faults. Takes place at some point after "And Then There Were None."
Inspiration for this story came from a Goo Goo Dolls song titled "As I Am". The title stuck in my head and then the story formed around it. The characters of Sam and Dean are faulted and human, and I think it's what draws so many of us to them as fans of the show. No perfect heroes.
DISCLAIMER: The characters of Sam and Dean Winchester and the world of Supernatural do not belong to me, nor do I make any profit from this story. I'm just here to have fun.
The things I've done…yet my brother stands with me.
I've run away from my dad and my brother, thinking I deserved a normal life.
I've walked away my brother at other times, desperately needing to find my own identity.
I've put my trust in a demon, rather than my own family.
I've fed my dark side with demon blood and broke that final seal that set Lucifer loose on the planet.
I've allowed that same renegade angel to use me as his vessel as he carried me to the field where he used me again to beat the living hell out of my brother. My brother, who went to that field – fully accepting that it was his death sentence – for no other reason than to try and save me.
I've done unspeakable things – so I'm told, to those both guilty and innocent – during those many months I spent without my soul. Of the few things I remember, I recalled that someone asked me about family. And without regret or hesitation, I replied that family only weighs you down. My sans-soul reality, serving nothing but unreserved disregard for any ability or need to love my brother – a brother who, at the time, still had no idea that I was topside after my field trip to Hell with Lucifer.
I've gunned down my back-from-the-dead grandfather; wanting – needing - to believe his mind was clouded by evil before I shot him point blank in the head.
I am…a long list of faults. I'm faulted in ways that most people could never comprehend. Most of the time, I can't grasp it myself.
And yet, here I stand, shoulder to shoulder once again with my brother, and only because of my brother.
Because once he found out that there was a way to get my soul back, only my insanely-sane brother would take it upon himself to challenge the Horseman Death to a game of "Let's Make a Deal".
Only my brother would accept the consequences of the outcome of that deal. My soul reinstated, behind a wall that is destined to crack wide open. And the end result of that impending flood? I've not the desire to even think about it, though my brother has and will remind me of the danger.
I am more certain of one thing.
I am who I am because of my brother. Because for everything I've done to myself and to others close to me…for all of my enormous faults and defects…and for all of the trials that we've faced, both together and opposed, my brother stands with me now – at this moment - accepting me as I am.
After all the crap past and present, would any other brother on the entire planet even consider that fundamentally simple act of accepting me…for me?
Only I can claim family that extreme.
Maybe it's because my brother has his own faults. Maybe it's because he knows that if positions were reversed, I would do the same for him. Maybe it's because we're both straddling that emaciated line between semi-sanity and deranged madness – and only together can we can keep each other from going into that nine kinds of crazy.
Maybe it's just because he's my brother. And underneath the surface dents and beneath the deeper interior damage, we are that one thing that keeps us from falling completely into that pit of psychosis that awaits at the end of whatever rainbow of crazy we're riding on right now.
He can accept me as I am because what I am, at the very basic level, is his brother. And in our family, that means everything.
A little brother always strives to be what his big brother is, looking up to him for guidance and truth. I've always needed those things, but more than that, my world has always revolved around my brother accepting me for me. My faults. My decisions. My mistakes.
Those faults, decisions and mistakes – they've twisted and turned me to where I am now.
And where I am, is here; re-souled with horrifying nightmares of Hell jammed behind a thin wall in my tremulous mind.
But…I am whole again.
I am whole again because of my brother.
My imperfections still flourish and my future reeks of tormented angst that may well break me into a million irreparable pieces.
And yet…
My brother stands with me, accepting me for me.
Because as I am, is all that I can be.
The end.