Ain't no sense in love
"I'm afraid of the morning, I'm afraid of the night"
The door to the chamber crashed open and a cheery voice announced, "Morning!"
"GOwaysleepinggoway...," mumbled the mound of bedclothes on the four poster bed.
"I'm sorry, Arthur, but it really is time to get up. You've got training in just over an hour. I've put the bowl of hot water on your washstand and I'm going to fetch your breakfast. OK?"
"gottobejokin." There was a loud yawn and the mound appeared to grow and stretch. Merlin concluded that his master was actually awake and starting to move, and so disappeared out of the chamber in search of breakfast. The door thudded shut and the mound of bedclothes jumped and then was still again.
There was no more movement initially and it appeared as though the occupant of the bed had gone back to sleep, however, after a couple more minutes a long arm flung back the cover and a tousled blond head appeared, eyes squinting and blinking in the sunlight. He let out a groan. His worst fears were confirmed...it was actually morning.
He sat up gently, rubbing his eyes and then his head, as though that might help to get him going. He had had a truly awful night's sleep. In fact, an awful night's sleep in what had become a run of dreadful nights. He had bags under his eyes and just couldn't get his brain to focus. The problem was the dreams. Now Arthur was not usually much of a dreamer – he trained so hard he was normally exhausted by bedtime. Merlin would joke that Arthur had the ability to fall asleep in thirty seconds and even Gwen had commented on how deeply he slept.
There, see how quickly his thoughts turned to her, Guinevere. And that, in a nutshell, was the problem. Arthur was dreaming about Gwen every night. Sometimes good dreams (and boy, were they good!) but also horrifying dreams where Gwen always ended up at the mercy of some terrible beast. Arthur was beginning to dread going to bed because he had no idea what situation he and Gwen might find themselves in, once he shut his eyes. The result of these tempestuous dreams was exhaustion during the day.
He stretched long and hard and allowed himself just one mental picture of Guinevere. His morning treat. A broad smile swept across his features – he wondered where she was and what she was doing. Bringing Morgana's washing bowl, laughing in the kitchens, singing on the stairs?
"You should come with a warning, you should come with a sign, that says you're beautiful trouble, so you'd better beware.."
No, enough. Guinevere was the source of his present predicament. A royal prince, meant to command his knights, who could barely hold up his sword and remember his instructions. Honestly, if he'd known how hard he would fall for her, he would never have stayed in her cottage a year ago. That was the start of it all.
Arthur sighed and headed for the washstand. He glanced at himself in the mirror and was genuinely shocked at his appearance. He looked awful. He scooped up a handful of water and splashed his face a few times. Then, reaching for the facecloth, he soaked it with water, squeezed it out and vigorously rubbed his cheeks and face. That got the blood pumping round a bit and when he looked in the mirror for a second time, he did look marginally better. He grabbed the towel and wandered over to the window. What was happening to him? He'd be a laughing stock amongst his men if they had any idea just how ridiculously lovesick he had become, especially over a servant. Not that he thought of her with any sense of inferiority, in fact it was a long time since he's be able to think of her in any other way than as his idea of womanly perfection, with her delicious curls and curves. And that little half smile that she would suddenly shoot at him when he was least ready for it. The last time that had happened was yesterday in the Great Hall, in front of his father. He had completely lost the thread of the negotiations with the visiting delegation from the Northern territories at that point, and Gwen had smiled at his obvious distraction.
"One look and I was in right over my head."
At this point Merlin entered again, kicking the door open with one foot and balancing breakfast in one hand and a clean tunic in the other.
"Well, you haven't got very far. I left you ages ago" he teased.
"Shut up, Merlin."
"Ooh, did you get out of the wrong side of bed this morning? Look I've brought you a clean tunic and I polished your armour last night. It's all ready." Merlin turned from the bed where he was laying out the tunic and looked at Arthur appraisingly. "You know, you look bloody awful."
"Shut up, Merlin. Oh, and any more insults from you and I'll find some truly hideous job for you to do. Watch it."
"I'm just saying that you look really tired. Are you sure you're ok? I can get Gaius to come and check you over if you like?"
"That won't be necessary, thanks, Merlin. I've just not slept very well, that's all. No need for a physician."
"But you always sleep well! In fact, you always fall asleep.."
"..in thirty seconds and sleep like the dead. Yes I know, so you've told me a hundred times. Well, not the last few nights. If you must know, I keep having dreams."
Merlin looked momentarily stunned. Arthur was not the most sensitive man on earth, after all. He'd never complained about dreams before. In fact, they used to joke about Morgana and her dreams, before all the trouble.
"Dreams. OK. Are you going to tell me more, or leave me hanging on?"
"You'll just laugh." For a moment, Arthur looked genuinely miserable and Merlin softened. Something was really bothering him.
"I promise I won't laugh."
"And you must not tell a living soul, or by God, I'll put you in the stocks for the rest of your days."
"Ok, ok! Not a living soul,"
"It's Gwen. I can't get her out of my head. I'm in right over my head and there's no escape. I've never felt like this about anyone and I'm so frustrated." Arthur swung round and kicked the hot water bucket hard across the room.
Merlin busied himself at Arthur's cupboard, trying to hide the broad smirk that crept across his face. Now was not the moment to show amusement. He mastered his voice and said, "It must be very hard."
"Oh, this misery. There's no place on earth I'd rather be."
Arthur was surprised how good it felt to share some of his burden. He had never set much store by all this emotional stuff, but he was in a bit of a knot. He warmed to his subject.
"You know how I feel about her, Merlin. And she knows too, but there's nothing either of us can do. I can't live with her, as my father would never allow it, but I can't live without her either. It feels like a never ending waiting game. And in the meantime, all Gwen will allow is the occasional conversation, a fleeting smile. She allowed me to comfort her during Morgana's illness, but other than that, she has put clear distance between us. But I'm in too deep for that – it's too late."
Merlin could see the frustration etched on the Prince's face. He stood deep in thought for a few minutes. "Maybe, you and Gwen need to set new boundaries. I mean, if she really knew how much she meant to you, maybe she'd be ready to see you more often, albeit in secret and maybe you'd be happier. I can't see how you resolve the problem with your father, though."
"New boundaries. Hmmm, do you think she'd go for that?" Arthur looked a bit more cheerful at that thought. "Good thinking, Merlin. Now, I'd better get a move on. Where's my breakfast?"
"You're not the one I need, You're just the one that I want, makes perfect sense to me.
You're not the one I need, You're just the one that I want, there ain't no sense in love"
Arthur was in the middle of his training session when he saw her. He only saw the back of her black curls and her lavender dress, but that was all he needed to know it was her. He watched her skirt round the edge of the training field on the way to the herb garden. She didn't look his way once. One of his men hailed her as she passed the far end of the field and she stopped briefly to talk to him, throwing her head back in happy laughter at some small joke they shared. He bowed over her hand as she went to leave and Arthur watched as a fiery blush stained her cheeks. She stole a quick glance back across the field towards him and caught his eye. Snatching her hand away from the young man, she disappeared quickly down the lane.
"I try to stop myself, so many times, but I keep falling over, I keep crossing the line."
It was no good. He just couldn't handle that level of flirtation right in front of his nose. If everyone knew that Guinevere was HIS, there would be none of that behaviour. And there was the problem again, staring him right in the face. Until their relationship was public, he had no right to pummel any knight who paid her attentions. In fact, he could completely understand why any knight would want to kiss her hand. Quite honestly, he wanted to kiss many other parts of Guinevere. Her hands were just the tip of the iceberg.
"Sir Leon, I'm going to hand over to you now. I would like the men to practise with staffs once more and then the session for today will be over. Tomorrow will be longbows."
Sir Leon looked surprised, as Arthur rarely left a session early, but nodded to his master and started shouting orders at the men as directed.
Arthur walked briskly off the field, shouted at Merlin to take his helmet and sword back to his chambers and set off in pursuit of Guinevere down the lane. Sir Leon stared after him – where was the Prince going?
"The heart of a gypsy and the soul of a stone. It's just a matter of time before you leave me alone."
As he strode off, Arthur couldn't help but feel that maybe his annoying servant was right again. New boundaries might be the answer. Maybe if he was a bit more honest with Gwen about his feelings she might agree to lower her defences a little and perhaps even be prepared to meet with him. He needed to feel sure of her and this was an unusual experience for the Prince. There was just so much left unspoken between them and that meant there was too much risk that she might be seduced away from him by some other young man of Camelot. He didn't want to think about how close he had come to Lancelot whisking her away on a white horse, and for a time there, he had thought history was repeating itself with Gwaine.
Turning the corner at the bottom of the lane, Arthur entered the orchard and kitchen gardens. He rarely came down here these days and paused to get the lie of the land. He could see Guinevere bent over the herb bushes with her back to him. He smiled and crept nearer, and then attempted to lean casually on the nearest apple tree.
She was gently cutting some small sprigs of rosemary and placing them in her trug. Her face was bright red – was that embarrassment or heat? He couldn't decide. He could hear her muttering softly to herself but could only catch small portions of what she was saying.
"Stupid girl...so pink...why should it matter..."
"Hmm-hmm." Arthur interrupted her train of though and she jumped like a startled deer, dropping her knife out of her hand and tipping her carefully picked rosemary out of the basket. She turned to see him propped on a nearby tree trunk.
"My...My lord" she said hesistantly, and bobbed a curtsey.
"GUINEVERE. Really, haven't we got past that yet. I'm sure I've asked you a hundred times to use my name."
"Sorry, my...Arthur" she smiled up at him.
"Oh, sweet misery. Fill my heart up and pour it all over me!"
Oh goodness. Why did she have to turn on the smile? He was always completely disarmed by that smile.
"I, erm, just saw you, and wondered if you might need a hand carrying your basket." Arthur ground to a halt rather lamely and gestured towards her trug. "Let me help you pick up all your herbs." He bent down and started to pick up all her dropped sprigs, hiding his embarrassment in his task.
"Really?" said Gwen sceptically. "When I passed the training ground, it looked like you were right in the middle of something."
"Yes, well, Sir Leon is very capable."
"Yes, very capable." She tipped her head sideways and looked up at him searchingly. "Arthur, you look terrible. Are you sure you're well?" She reached out suddenly to feel his forehead. "You don't have a temperature, but you look exhausted."
"Guinevere, come and sit with me for a moment." Arthur seized the moment of concern for his well being and steered her towards a bench under a neighbouring tree.
"What's going on?" she demanded.
"I was talking to Merlin. Mostly he talks a load of rubbish, but he said something earlier that got me thinking. About new boundaries."
"I'm sorry, my lord.. sorry... Arthur! You've lost me."
"Listen, I'm going to bare my soul now, so be gentle with me." He smiled down at her, looking for some reassurance. She nodded briefly and he carried on. "You see, I've not been sleeping very well..."
"You?" broke in Gwen, disbelievingly, "But you always fall asleep after thirty seconds and..."
"...sleep like the dead. Have you been talking to Merlin?"
"Maybe."
"Hmm. Anyway, I keep having these dreams."
"Dreams?" Gwen interrupted again incredulously, and then her hand shot up to her mouth.
"Guinevere, this is hard enough already without your unhelpful comments."
"Sorry..." she looked down and smiled at her lap.
"So, the long and the short of it is, that I keep having these very vivid dreams, every night and they are all about you... and me. Sometimes they are really great dreams..."he tailed off wistfully for a moment and then gathered his wits again, "and sometimes they are terrible. You've been nearly killed so many nights in my dreams, Gwen, and they are just so real."
"Oh, Arthur!" Gwen pulled his hands into hers .
"So, Merlin thinks that our present situation is making me have these dreams. And so I'm here to discuss new boundaries."
"I see." Gwen thought for a moment. "So you're saying that I'm giving you sleepless nights?"
"It doesn't sound so good when you put it that way, but I suppose so, yes. I feel very frustrated seeing you with other men and knowing that, as we stand, I am powerless to do anything about it. I can't even speak with you without looking over my shoulder. Its driving me mad."
"So these new boundaries? What are you hoping for Arthur?" Gwen looked up into his face again and he flinched – her gaze was so trusting and honest. He had to get this right.
"You're not the one I need, you're just the one that I want, makes perfect sense to me,
You're not the one I need, you're just the one that I want, there ain't no sense in love"
"Well, it occurred to me that perhaps I hadn't been entirely clear about how I hoped the future might look. And I also hoped that if I was honest with you about my hopes for the future, you might share your hopes with me too. Or is that too much to ask?"
Gwen could not resist the pleading look or tone. "I'll try" she mumbled confusedly.
"Here goes. I can't put this into words very well, Guinevere. My father thinks I need a proper princess and parades them before me whenever he can. Some days I think maybe I do need a proper princess to one day be my Queen – one who knows all the ways of Court and would make a good alliance. But that's not what I want. I just want you. And it doesn't matter how many perfect princesses I meet who are more than qualified for the post of future Queen, there's only one woman who fills that position in my mind and that's you! Guinevere – you are in all my thoughts and dreams of the future. I will not marry without love, and I love you." He ran out of breath at this point and ran one hand distractedly through his hair.
Gwen was lost for words. She leant towards him and before he had time to realise what was happening had kissed him gently on the lips. "Arthur Pendragon, there is nothing about this that makes sense. But know this, I do love you. I do not know how we can ever be together, but I have never felt this way about another. NEVER! You have my heart and soul. I don't know what the future holds for us, but my dream (although it always feels out of reach) is that we find a way to be together."
In the dappled shade of the tree, Arthur dipped his head and kissed her longingly.
"Will you come and see me sometimes? I'd like to find some moments when we can be together." Arthur asked gently.
"I'd like that. But we'll have to be careful." Gwen blushed.
"I'll send Merlin with a note!" smiled Arthur.
"I look forward to it." She answered shyly. "Now I must be going. This rosemary is for the laundrymaids and they will be wondering where I am. And sitting here like this, whilst very wonderful, is also very risky. We could so easily be spotted."
"I'm just adding 'sensible' to your list of qualities." laughed Arthur. Then he looked down at her seriously , "thank you, Guinevere."
"For what?"
"For once, I think words might be the best remedy for my sleepless nights."
"Then, my lord, I wish you a very deep and long night's sleep." She got up reluctantly, shot him one of her small half-smiles and, picking up her trug, walked swiftly away towards the gate. As she went to go through the gateway, she turned and blew him a kiss before disappearing around the corner.
Arthur sat for a moment, feeling rather dazed. Well, that had gone better than expected. Not only had he found out, at last, exactly how she felt, but she'd also agreed to meet with him. Would this evening be too soon? He wandered off following Gwen's footsteps. Maybe tomorrow? Hmmm...