I sat on my bed in my room. Its quiet other than the rain drops tapping on my window from the storm outside. I could just stare at the wall, emotions building in me uncontrollably. The thunder continued to clap, but it didn't phase me. No. I'm too far gone. The only thoughts are from the day before. My heart continued to stutter in beats, breaking by the second. The wall ignored me, as if I expected anything to happen. I continued to stare. It hasn't even been two years since I became a titan, and I've already screwed up. It was so long ago in my eyes, so much had happened. I remember the room I first ended up living in. They said it was from an 'old friend'. They never told me who it was.
I didn't care, I know too well of depressing topics. I am one in myself. The wall continued to block me out, just like everybody else. Before I became a Titan, I had severe depression. Nobody accepted me. Not my step mother, my father, not even my step sister who I thought was my friend. I was a freak to them. They called me lazy, fat, unintelligent. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. In my nightstand I kept the one thing I thought would help. It was something most would use to scar themselves, to have a remembrance of the pain they inflicted on themselves or others, due to a drastic event, relationship, or so on. I used it on family matters, but not till later on. My father was a christen. He made me go to church every Sunday. I had to go, or else my step mother would treat me worse.
My worries got even worse when I read on my friend's phone about how everyone I considered to be my friend...actually hated being around me. They didn't want me to be at their parties, I was a disaster. A drama queen. One night, I finally worked the courage up to use the hidden razor, which is how I learned of my ability. I had a power, and that power was to heal extremely fast, as well as heal others. I practiced this talent. It was extremely useful on my cuts and scars, even healing the kids my step sister watched. She would be in her room most of the time, so if the children got hurt and nobody was around to help them, I'd heal their scars, bruses, and scrapes. I used to tell them "Shh, its our little secret," and for the longest time they never told anybody.
Then...that's how it got worse. Eventually, because they're young and made mistakes, they accidentally squealed on me. My father and his wife not believing it at first, pushed it aside and ignored it, but still kept an eye on me. If you couldn't figure out where this story is going so far, they saw me one time. I didn't want them to see, and my anxieties for what would happen was confirmed. My dad called me a witch and began to beat me, usually chanting the bible at the same time. The step mother would usually keep the children away from me, and if I used my powers to heal them, they'd beat me again. I couldn't take it anymore. I ran away into the streets in Jump. I ran as far as I could, crying. I gave up everything I used to have, they all took it away from me.
I don't know how long it was. maybe a year? Out on the streets I was, moving place to place for shelter. I usually stole food and money to take care of myself. If I was hurt in any way, I'd heal myself. One day I was hunting the streets for someone innocent with money, I believe I was hungry. I hadn't eaten in days. Suddenly, I heard a scream and an explosion from somewhere. Curious and stupid, I followed the source of the sound. Most were running away but I ran towards the danger. This is when I met the titans. A man, who looked to have a lot of bombs stacked around a bank, held a button in his hand. Apparently, he had thrown a grenade to the titans, and that was the source of the explosion. "You're going down." One of the heroes said to the criminal, who I believed they called beast boy. The one with black hair, Robin, held onto his utility belt, ready to throw anything that he could at the bomber when he had the chance.
The alien girl starfire already had her hands charged with powered starbolts and the darkness of the team raven was ready to say her spell. The robotic man of the group had his famous arm gun ready and charged, aiming at his target. I just watched. People were running from the scene and all I could really do was watch. These were people I idled when I had nothing else to look forward to in life. I was afraid of showing others my powers, that they'd treat me as my parent and step family did. They gave me hope that I could do some good. The bomber man, who looked jittery, had his thumb on the trigger button, and if the titans made any wrong move, they'd go down with him. It was a terrorist attack, maybe not a critical one, but it surely was a type. I was barely hidden other than the low car in front of me. I had to do something.
This man looked like he was staring at the face of death, and he was ready for it and he wasn't. I feel the exact same way right now, so I understand that more than I did before. I looked around. Buildings hovered over me as tall as they could be. there was something on the ground, maybe from a cop? It was a gun. I picked it up. I never really shot a gun before, but I did learn how to be a good shot. I had to escape people somehow, whether it be by throwing rocks at peoples head, or shooting someone with a water gun laying on the ground somewhere in a park. I stood behind the car. I think they were all too preoccupied to notice me. I took aim. I was planning to shoot the person's hand where he held the trigger button. One wrong move, and all would explode. However, if I hit it JUST right, I'd shoot it out of his hand, maybe even his fingers off. I could heal them anyways, it didn't matter. I took aim...and I fired. It stopped everyone. Even the bomber didn't know what was happening until his fingers were gone, so was the button and his mind. He screamed a pained scream.
I silently smiled to myself as the titans went for the kill they managed to knock him out before Robin putting cuffs around his hand. During the whole time, relief and confusion rested on their features. I doubted anyone, not even raven, could had called for what I did. I was shaking a little from what I did. As they were looking around for who shot him, I realized his fingers were still bleeding. I had the courtesy enough to heal him. I went out from behind the car, and they all turned their attention toward me. I guess from shock they were ready to fight me, as Starfire already had her eyes lit green and Robin watching me like a hawk with his staff out and ready. "Wait! Don't hurt me! I'm just here to heal him!" I said and dropped the gun that was still in my hands as I held them up.
They were a suspicious at first, Beastboy whispering something to Robin. They let me go by them to the criminal. I went over to him, watching his hand. I've never healed something this severe, but I did my best anyways, His fingers, or where they were, bled continuously. I put my hands to his hand, and both began to glow. I heard the titans walk up behind me, obviously curious to what I was performing. I remember finally healing him and them being astounded for how quick I fixed him, his fingers were even back. After them asking me several questions about who I was, where I was from, and so on. They asked me the final question that I never thought anyone, especially not me, would ask. "_, would you like to stay with us for a while? We could use a great healer like you, even Raven couldn't have done what you did so quickly." The boy wonder asked. Of coarse, I agreed, which is how I got to live here.
Things in that time seemed to happen so quickly. Me and raven became meditating buddies, which I actually thought was relaxing. We even read stories and books together and talked about them. She was my personal reading buddy. Starfire was awesome too. Because I couldn't fly, she'd carry me with her tameranian strength across the sky and over the ocean. I was so happy, though I was terrified at first. Any other time we'd go shopping at the Jump city mall and talk about our lives. Cyborg was my gaming man, along with beast boy. We'd sit on the couch playing games all day long until one of us became victor, and to their surprise, it was usually always me.
Robin was my crime guy, of coarse. We'd spend hours in his investigation room, pinning down suspects for crimes and other sources of conflict in our city. He was strict during these moments, but any other time, he was fun to just hang out with and talk. I cant tell how many times we sat on the balcony in the evening just talking. It was fun. But out of all my new friends, no matter what they had done for me, I'd have to say Beast boy was my favorite. He still is...in fact...we're dating.
We used to not really do anything besides play games on their gamestation. Soon, we started hanging out a lot together. I'd never really go anywhere when they went crime fighting, but when I did, I was usually the sniper from far off, and I'd heal the victim afterwards. Any other time, I'd heal the other titans, and it got to the point beast boy would make it up to me later. I loved being by his side. My heart nearly exploded whenever he was around me, and I think he knew it too. He'd flirt with me when I'd heal him, usually saying "like what you see?" He'd be shirtless half of the time, and I couldn't help but stare. He may not have been the most perfect, but he was fit. I always left the room blushing like a maniac.
A few months after I was living there, he asked me out. We went easy for the first few months, usually just playing games or hanging out together, flirting almost all the time. Then one day, we went to a dance. It was something to celebrate majority of the titans for beating a group called 'the brotherhood of evil'. It was fun, and it went smoothly until a special song that I still remember to this day played. During that song, I had my first kiss, and it was his too. Since then, we were the perfect couple. A couple months later we began getting serious in our relationship, from having sex to sleeping together in the same bed. That was when things went a little downhill. He was my first love. He distracted me from the severe depression I suffered from for the longest time, so yeah, I was clingy. He even admitted he loved a clingy relationship...now I feel like he just said that to make me feel less ashamed.
He looked at me one day, and said something to me like "I just want to lay down." After he promised he'd spend the day with me. Of coarse, I got mad, and one thing lead to another. Our arguments usually started off with yelling, and he'd either walk away pissed and play on the computer in his messy room, or occasionally I'd accidentally push the wrong button and he's throw me down, or push me off of him when I tried to apologize. He walked onto me cutting one day, and didn't even ask me why, he just got mad when I started crying and again, stomped away. Our relationship was getting worse, and it effecting out crime stopping. I'd stop going on missions unless it's really necessary, and when they got back, I'd heal everyone other than my Garfield, mainly because he refused.
We became distant, and my depression got worse. Eventually, we got a little better after maybe a long seven months. He'd finally hug me again, love me, and make love with me. I thought we were perfect, we even a while back started talking about a family one day, and now we saw a little hope of that happening again. Which is where two weeks ago happened. After two months of finally being happy again...I screwed up. He was out on his missions, and afterwards, I realized he was sleeping in his own room again, saying he needed to be alone. I went with it for two days. Then he would barely talk to me, I dealt with it for one day. It felt as though he was trying to forget about me, and once again, memories of my old 'family' came back to haunt me, and he was nowhere to comfort me. I went back into depression and started cutting again. I tried to talk to him from outside his bedroom door, about how lonely I was, and everything seems to be falling down around me.
The other titans, specifically Robin and raven, could tell I was down. They'd knock on my room door, asking if I needed anything. I always said I was fine, but I never was. They were still persistent, but gave me my time alone, where I let my red river flow once again. I started crying myself to sleep, I began feeling like I was being judged again, like I was a failure. I didn't know where those feelings came from, I still don't. It was just like something inside of me was ripped out and replaced with an empty hollow hole. My love...he stopped talking to me in general. I became suicidal again, and I lost what will I had left. Everyone by now noticed, and they started talking to beastboy about it. It's funny, they managed to persuade him to leave his room, but I couldn't even get him to talk to me. Am I that unimportant?
He went into my room one day and sat next to me. I didn't cry, I was afraid of him rejecting me again. Then he said we'd go to the lake at a park and swim the following day, and I was so happy. Two weeks since he spoke to me, and we were already getting better...or so I thought. The next day, I woke up at seven like we were supposed to, and I went in his room to wake him up. "Ugh, just let me sleep. I'm tired" He told me, rolling over to where I couldn't see his face. "But you promised, I thought we were finally getting better, and I wanted to make the past few weeks back up to you!" I said, a little anxious. He groaned in his response. "Please Gar? I haven't heard from you in so long...you hardly talk to me anymore, not even acknowledge my existence. I just wish you cared enough to wake up...for me?" I asked him, tearing up a little. He sat up and looked me in the eyes.
"_, I'm tired, I want to sleep." He said, beginning to glare. I couldn't control my anger, I tried, but I failed. "I don't care! You've been treating me like I don't exist for two weeks Garfield! Two weeks! I've been lonely, depressed, and you didn't care! I'm just some clingy witch to you aren't I!? You don't love me!" I began crying and yelling at him. He stood up and yelled back. "So is THAT what you think!? Give me a break _! You just act like you love me, I remember back when you really loved me!" I was pissed now. "Just put on your swimming trunks and let's go! You promised we'd go today! I've been so alone!
"Oh for the love of god just STOP!"
"NO! I'm not! You don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself beastboy! I wish you could see the monster you are!" I yelled at him. We stopped, and then he looked at me with a glare. Apparently all of our teammates were outside the room, and heard me say what I had to say. "You know WHAT? I'm sick of this! You whine all the time! Your a clingy selfish bitch! And you know what? Forget what we were going to do today! I had a good day planned after I woke up, we were going to see a movie! But after that, no! I don't want to see your face for the rest of the day! Get out of my life!" He yelled at my face, pushing me out the door, and slammed the door in my face.
I sat there. I just sat there. The titans around me were glaring at me, each of them walking away, one by one, until Robin was just left. "_, we can't have you doing this to our friend anymore. I think you need to leave, we can't perform our duties with you acting like this." And with those words, he left me too. He left me to cry in my knees like the rest of them, like everyone else in my life has. For the rest of the day, I sat in my room. I just stared at the wall. I cried throughout the rest of the day, not even leaving my room to eat or drink. I cried my heart out the rest of the night.
The next morning, this morning, all I did was cry. I watched the clouds through this room and cried to the thought of what we could have been. I had cut myself last night, I didn't even bother using my powers to heal myself, I just let my arm bleed. About seven lines from my wrist to the middle of my arm were scared there, dried blood covered them. I covered my arm with my Pjs as I heard a knock at my door. I opened it to be greeted with a stern leader. "I'm sorry it had to be this way, but you're causing so much drama for us. It's been effecting beast boy's skill in battle and he'd been distracted from his duties." He began, holding out a piece of paper. "I looked this up. It's a paper with an address in it, and I'm sure you recognize this?" He asked. I went pale, it was my old home. I began to cry. "You're going to have to go back here _, You cannot go anywhere else. Again, I'm sorry it had to be this way, but you are a danger to our team if you keep this up, you should have stopped hurting him. You have three days to pack, the boxes are in the garage. That's all." Robin said, regretfully from how well we had gotten to know each other.
I could only stare at the paper. This was it, I was going back to hell. I shut the door behind him and fell to my knees, sobbing. The sobbing went to crying, to a full on panic attack. I cradled my knees as I cried with all my heart. First my family, then Garfield, and now this? I couldn't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I went to my bathroom and grabbed my razor, blood still on it from last night. All I could do is weep the same phrase over and over again. "He doesn't love me. He doesn't love me." I cried. The blade was cold, but I slid it across my wrist again, this deeper than normal. The liquid came out, more than normal. I didn't care, I still don't care.
I went to my bed and fell asleep, I couldn't take the stress, I had to sleep. I was so exhausted I woke up around four. It was raining, and it still is. I'm back to where my thoughts started. I stare down at my arm, it's completely covered with the red substance, mostly dry. It even bled onto my bed. I looked on my nightstand to see a notebook, which I loved to draw in. I take a pen out, grab it, and now I write on it. I write everything that has happened to me, I write my past life, and what has happened now, then I write my goodbyes.
'Dear Robin, you were a great friend while it lasted. I remember when we would sit outside and just talk. I got a lot of things out of my chest, you were even the first to know about my crush on Garfield. I wish you knew the full story, which you should by now. I'm sorry it had to be this way. You didn't know, but I wish you cared more. Duties aren't the most important thing in life, let go. You're a detective, you should've understood me more. You should have been a better leader, and I'd still be here.'
'Dear Cyborg, You were radical, dude! I spent almost all the time helping fix your car, work on electronics, even play games with you and beast boy! You were fun, I know you think you're not human sometimes, that you're just a robot. You're wrong. You have feelings, and I know you definitely have feelings for that bee girl you always talk about. I shipped you too, don't let what happened to me and gar happen to you. You rocked, and don't forget that. I just wish you knew how human you are, I almost forget your cybernetic sometimes. Goodbye.'
'Dear Raven, at first we never got along really well. It was awkward at first. You didn't trust my abilities and I didn't trust yours. I remember we became friends after I started talking about my favorite book, _. You apparently liked that book too and that's how we started hanging out together. Meditating was awesome, I was so at peace. I'm sure over the weeks, you could sense my depression with you being an empath and all. I hope it didn't effect your meditation, I am that person to ruin everything...I wish I could meditate with you one last time.'
'Dear Starfire, you were the definition of happiness! Whenever I first moved in here, you treated me as a friend from the start. You made my life so much happier with your smile. You really were the light of this place. I remember you telling me you liked robin, and how you guys kissed once in Tokyo. I gave you a high five for that. I knew you two liked each other, I just wished you would have admitted it to each other again while I was around. You were my best friend until yesterday...it was the only time I've seen you mad at me. You looked at me like I was the scum of the earth, and whispered something about me in tameranian. That tore me, knowing the light of the tower went out because of me. I'm sorry...maybe you'll be happy again?'
'Dear my love, Garfield. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. If you couldn't hear, I cried all night long. We were so happy, and I loved that. Our first kiss, our first time, I remember how wonderful it was. I threw it all away. If only I knew what I did that caused you to push me away. Was I to clingy? Did I do too little for you? Did I do too much? Was I disappointing? You only talked to your other friends. I don't blame you...I was always unwanted. I just wished we could have kept our promises. I still have the ring on my finger. I still look at it, even with a little blood on it, it shines blue and black. Surprisingly, your true favorite colors. I thought it was green and purple. It was our promise ring, and I never had the chance to buy yours. I cried myself to sleep last night looking at it. I loved you, I still love you. You don't love me though, not anymore. I ruined everything we had, I was everything to you. You stopped talking to me. Was it because I told you about my past? I never meant what I said. I didn't mean to call you a monster. I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I love you. I love you. I didn't mean it, these are my final words. I want you to know how much I love you. I wanted to marry you. I...I took a pregnancy test a few months ago. I was going to tell you but I couldn't. I didn't want to ruin your life. I went the week after to get an abortion. It was one of the things breaking me down. I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything to hurt you...but...now I won't be hurting you anymore. I love you Garfield, now you'll be free.'
The goodbyes are written on a separate sheet of paper. I think everyone is out fighting crime, so this gives me the opportunity. I leave my room and I walk town the empty hallway where everyone's room is. On each door to the specific person, I tape the goodbyes to their door. They'll see it when they get back. Finally, I get to my love's room. I began sobbing once again, tears flowing down my cheeks. Even if he was here, he wouldn't care. He'd be happy I'm sad, everyone else is. I taped his goodbye on the door. "Goodbye Garfield," I whisper to myself. "I'll miss you."
I leave back to my room and tape the story of my life to my door and go inside and lock it behind me. I sit on my bed and watch the rain pound against the glass in front of me. The razor blade is still on my side table. I stifle another sob, as my eyes hurt from crying so much. My arms hurt, my head hurts, everything hurts. Nobody cares though, nobody loves me. He used to love me. He used to hold me. He hates me now. The blade is in my hands, and I roll it between my fingers. "This is it, _, you're at the end of the line." I say and hold it up to my wrist. Before I do, I get an idea to make it a little more peaceful. In my nightstand is a bottle of sleeping pills I used to sleep. This will be my final sleep after all. I look in the bottle and it's nearly full of softgels. I swallow handfuls, they go down my throat with ease.
I begin to cry, almost choking on some. They are finally gone and I lay down on my bed. I lose it. I scream his name. I scream it, crying for him to love me again. I curl up and look at my wrist, eyes almost fully closed as I still weep his name loudly. Almost as if I blacked out, my wrist is bleeding when I look at it again. I feel it, I nicked the vein. It's almost like a waterfall, pouring my liquid life. I drop my wrist off the side of my bed and stare at the ceiling, and like my wall, ignores me like everyone else. I give a small smile and I look to my door. My mind is getting fuzzy, I think I hear loud pounding on my door and someone is screaming my name. I laugh lowly. Everything loves to give me false hope, but now I'm free. Just before I fall asleep for the last time, as I feel colder and weaker, my door bursts open. I can barely see. Who is that? Who are those people? I don't know, but they don't care.
I'm being carried somewhere, and there is green around me. Is that beast boy? No. He wouldn't help me. I'm on a machine, but it's too late. I can't breathe. I try to, I can't. I utter a silent goodbye and turn my head to the one I loved, the one who doesn't love me. "You're free." I barely whisper to him. I think he's holding my hand. Something wet drips on my arm and I'm asleep...I'll miss you Garfield.