AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story is told from two different points of view: Joey
and Pacey alternately. Each part lists at the top whose POV it is written
from. There are some things one must know before reading this story. 1) In
my world, Mr. Brooks did not die as he did on the show and so he did not
leave any money for Dawson and so Dawson never paid for Joey's college
tuition. Instead, she sucked it up and got herself some student loans. 2)
In my world, Grams did not move to Boston with Jen and Jack. There is no
particular reasoning behind this other than that it helps my story line. 3)
In my world, Coda never happened! Well, let me be clear: Joey and Dawson
got one goodbye—the one that happened when he dropped her off after the
movies. There was no watching ET, no "favorite this, favorite that" game.
No "sooner or later you're going to have to realize how great you are"
comment 'cause that just made me puke. And two more things that never
happened: the "magic" speech and the kiss. No siree, not in my world. Now
please read on and see what does happen in my world…..
PROLOGUE
Joey
It had been one hundred and five days since I last saw him. It had been one hundred and five days since he left to spend the summer working on a yacht and since he left to get away from me. I missed him so badly. The summer taught me the true meaning of the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I imagined that hadn't been his plan at all, though, when he decided to leave. He left to fall out of love with me. To forget me. To forget us. And that scared me more than anything as Jen, Jack and I drove along the interstate highway on our way to Miami. It was Jen's idea. She was sick of seeing me mope, of watching me zone of out life and into my thoughts. Jen and Jack had just moved into their dorm rooms over at Boston Bay College and I had moved into my dorm at Worthington. We'd been there just two days, all three of us participating in our tedious orientation activities and then spending the evenings together.
"Okay, that's it. Joey you're going to ask Mr. Kubelik where the boat will be docking and then we're going there to find Pacey," she said in a frustrated tone, standing up from where she was sitting on the floor in my dorm room and grabbing my wrist. "Let's go."
"I'm sorry," I said breaking free from Jen's grip. "I'm sorry, you guys," I said glancing between Jen and Jack. "I know I'm being a pain. I just need to get started with school and then I'll be able to forget everything else."
"Joey," Jack said disbelieving me. "You've been moping around for the entire summer. Something tells me this isn't something that is going to just go away once school starts. You need to resolve it once and for all."
I brought my hands to my head in frustration and moaned.
"C'mon, Joey. This orientation crap is for the birds anyway. We could all use a road trip," Jen encouraged.
"My car is just sitting in the lot over at Boston Bay waiting to be used," Jack helped.
"We can't really ditch orientation, can we?" I asked them.
"Why not?" They practically said it in unison and I couldn't keep the smile from forming on my face.
In the backseat of Jack's Saab, hours later, I sat staring out the window thinking about what I wanted to say to him when I saw him. The music was on low inside the car and Jen was reading the map while Jack drove. It was nice the way we had formed our own "group" over the course of the summer. Their friendships had become so important to me over the summer that I probably wouldn't have survived without them.
"Thank you, guys," I said suddenly poking my head between the two front seats. I turned my head to look at both of them then kissed each of their cheeks in appreciation.
"Joey!" they yelled at me. Pretending to be grossed out by my gesture, they wiped viciously at their faces. I smiled and leaned back in the seat again.
We all took shifts driving and made it to Miami in two days. We arrived at the dock three hours before the expected arrival of the dean's yacht.
"This is the craziest thing I have ever done," I confessed to Jack and Jen as the three of us tried to drift off to sleep for the three hours we had left.
Jen turned around quickly in the passenger seat to look at me. "Oh yeah, and like leaving last summer on a boat for three months with no change of clothes with a guy you were just starting a relationship with wasn't crazy?"
I laughed. "What can I say? Pacey makes me do crazy things."
"So, what are you gonna say to him?" Jack asked.
I sighed and leaned back against the seat. "I don't know. Whatever comes out of my mouth, I guess."
"You must have thought about it," Jen said.
"It's all I've thought about for months, not to mention this entire car ride. There's so much to say, but I don't know if I can say it. And then I keep thinking, what if he's not happy to see me."
"He will be," Jack said quickly.
"Yeah," Jen agreed. "I mean, you told me that Dawson said he asked about you when he called. That means he still cares about you."
I nodded thinking of that last night before Dawson left for the USC summer program when he'd told me every word Pacey said on the phone. It was the one and only thing that kept me even remotely hopeful throughout the summer.
"A relationship like you guys had doesn't just get erased in one summer," Jack piped in. "He will be happy to see you."
"I hope so," I said biting my lip.
Jen and Jack fell asleep shortly after that but I couldn't sleep. I was too consumed by excitement and nerves, so I took a walk out to the end of the dock. I sat there and just stared out at the harbor waiting. The yacht arrived an hour late and when I recognized it from Mr. Kubelik's description, I got up from where I was sitting and went to wake Jack and Jen. The passengers departed first and I started fidgeting and biting my lip. I stood between Jack and Jen, all three of us leaning up against Jack's car.
"You okay?" Jack asked sweetly, rubbing my back.
"He's gonna be really glad that you're here, Joey," Jen said reassuringly.
When all of the passengers were off the boat, we could see the crew taking care of all the last minutes things on board and Jack and Jen made me go closer. When I reached the railing about fifty feet from the dock, I saw him. He swung his bag over his shoulder and started down the dock. He was smiling, like I hadn't seen him smile since we got off the True Love at the end of the previous summer. My chest ached at the sight of him. He looked so good. If it were anyone else, I would've said he needed a haircut and a shave but on him it looked so good. I glanced behind me at the car where Jen and Jack were standing and they waved me on.
It felt like I was in slow motion as I advanced towards the dock. Soon it would be too late to turn back and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I set my eyes straight on him and just waited for him to look my way. When he did, I waved. He stopped where he was and the smile disappeared from his face. He stared at me for what felt like an eternity. I waved again. Finally, I saw him crack a smile but he was trying to hide it as he started walking again. We met at the end of the dock and made eye contact for a second before we both looked away quickly.
"What are you doing here?" he finally asked. I was relieved that his tone of voice seemed to convey a happy surprise at me being there and it gave me the courage to look up at him.
"I, uh, I asked Mr. Kubelik where the boat would be docking and then I talked Jack and Jen into taking a road trip with me," I told him pointing over my shoulder to where Jack and Jen stood by the car. I watched him wave to them, smiling even more.
"A road trip, huh?"
I nodded. "So, did you have a good time?" I asked, chickening out of saying what I had really come to say.
"It was unbelievable. The time of my life. But something tells me you didn't drive all the way to Miami from Massachusetts to ask me if I had a good time," he grinned and I felt my face flush as he called my bluff. I don't know why I thought he'd buy it.
"Can we...can we sit down?" I asked him pointing to a nearby bench.
"So, what's up?" he said after we were sitting side by side on the bench.
I turned towards him and took a deep breath. "Well, I've had all summer to think about all of the things you said to me at the prom..." my voice trailed off as he hung his head at the memory. "I have to admit when you first said all of those things to me, I thought you were just being a jerk and accusing me of things that I didn't do because you didn't want to blame yourself..."
"Which is exactly what that was," he cut me off and as I looked at him I saw the same guilty look in his eyes I'd seen on prom night when we'd talked outside after he'd embarrassed me in front of everyone.
"Yeah, I know you said that before but like I said, I've had all summer to think about this and I realized some things."
"Like what?"
"Like, well, when they called your name at graduation, I was surprised and then relieved. My first reaction was not happiness or pride but surprise and relief. I should've had more faith in you than that." He sighed and I looked straight ahead as I went on.
"And I never wanted to talk about the future with you because I knew our futures were not going to be the same. It's like I already had your whole life decided for you before you even had a chance to make any decisions yourself. I mean, I could've talked to you and we could've decided together that you were coming with me to Boston whether you went to college or not. It's what I wanted but I was too afraid to say it or to admit that I thought you weren't going to college." I let out a deep breath and looked at him again. He was staring straight ahead, resting his chin in his hand.
"And there are a million other things I'm sorry about. I'm sorry for lying to Dawson about you and I making love. I don't know why I did it but when I think about it now I realize how much of a let down that must have been for you. It must've seemed like I was embarrassed or ashamed or even worse like I was still waiting for Dawson and too afraid to tell him the truth because it would ruin my chances. I'm so sorry for that. More than you'll ever know because making love with you has been one of the most important experiences in my life and I made it seem so trivial." I was crying so I stopped to wipe my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him watching me.
"I was so hard on you sometimes. I gave you a hard time about wanting to help me and love me and I don't know why I behaved like that when you were giving me exactly what I wanted. I mean, you have always been exactly what I want. And, I still love you Pacey. I came here today to tell you that and to tell you that I'm sorry for everything. This summer has been so strange without you," I chuckled a little then looked over at him. "I'm so jealous that you spent the summer on a boat without me."
"I had to go," he said apologetically.
"I know. I started to understand that about mid-July after I got over being really mad at you for leaving things unresolved." I saw him smile in appreciation of my humor. "So, did you find what you were looking for out there on the open waters?" I asked him.
"Oh, I don't know. I guess I realized some things."
"Like?"
He sighed. "Like that this trip, this job, has been the first thing in my life that I've really done for myself. I never realized it until I had the time to think about it but I've always done things to make other people happy. Like with school; I don't know why I never wanted to do well in school for myself. I only ever felt motivated to do good for Andie or for you or to prove my parents wrong but never just because I wanted it for myself. Maybe it's because I never got any validation from my parents that I spend my life looking for it. But I have to stop caring so much about what other people think and start caring a whole lot more about what I think. It's the only way I'm ever going to figure out what the heck I want to do with my life."
We both thought quietly for a moment. "I know that I haven't really proven it this past year but I want you to know that I do believe in you. I always have and I think you have so much potential, so much to offer the world." I smiled and touched him lightly on the shoulder.
Our eyes met and he smiled. "So, did you have a good summer?" he asked.
"You mean despite the whole missing you part? Yeah, I did. Jen and I have become real close. She's been a good friend. And Jack and Jen did a real good job of keeping me busy so I wouldn't be thinking about you all the time."
"Dawson's gone?" he asked.
I nodded. "It was so weird saying goodbye to him. And sad. But it's time for all of us to move on to this next phase of life. And we'll always be friends no matter where we are."
"I called him a couple weeks after I left."
"I know," I smiled. "He told me."
Pacey laughed. "I should've known."
"He knew that I needed to know you were okay. He knew that I needed to know something, anything about you. I was spending a whole lot of time moping around in his room after you left."
"I wanted to call you but..."
"I know."
We were silent before he spoke again. "So, aren't you guys missing like your first week of classes to be here?"
"We start on Monday. We're blowing off orientation week though."
"Joey Potter blowing off orientation week," he said surprised.
"I needed to see you," I said shrugging my shoulders.
He nodded and glanced towards the ground. A deafening silence filled the air around us and I started getting nervous again. I wanted to kill the awkwardness and in my desire to do so I asked the worst possible question.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
He chuckled and seemed to take it pretty well. "I hadn't really given it much thought."
I took a deep breath and then proceeded to say something else that I knew was likely to make him uncomfortable. But, I needed him to know how I felt. "I'm sure this is very presumptuous of me but there is a floor in my dorm room which Jen tells me is extremely comfortable. I have lots of blankets because I'm always cold and I'd even go so far as to give up one of my pillows."
"Joey..." he started with hesitation in his voice.
"I know what you're going to say so just forget I even mentioned it." Disappointment showed in my face as I stood up from the bench. "I better get going because we have a long ride back. You probably have a plane to catch or something."
"Joey," he said standing up and taking my hands in his. It was the first time he'd touched me since the night I'd spent with him after the Worthington party. He weakened me just by touching me and I suddenly wanted to put my arms around him and never let go. I felt myself starting to cry and he reached up to wipe the tears away.
"Please stop touching me," I begged. I was surprised when he put his arms around me and I squeezed my eyes shut to revel in the feeling of it.
"I know we have a lot of stuff to work through, Pacey. But I really want this to work."
"Me too, Jo," he said softly. I pulled away from him then so I could look at him. "But, this is just a little too fast for me."
I averted my eyes to the ground. "Okay," I said disappointed.
"It's just, if we weren't ready for this before then I doubt we're ready now."
"You're probably right," I said looking up at him again. "But if there's one thing I realized this summer it's how much I hate being away from you."
He smiled, embarrassed. "I just can't sleep on your floor. And you have your own life to live right now. You can't let me spoil that."
"Why do you keep saying that? I told you before and I'll tell you a million times, I won't ever be able to really enjoy this new life of mine without you."
He sighed and hung his head in defeat.
"Pacey," I said using my index finger to lift his chin and force him to look at me again. "I really wish you'd stop trying to let me off the hook because you think I deserve better. It's really pretty insulting." He crossed his arms across his chest and smiled at me. "First of all, you're insulting the man that I love and secondly, you're insulting me because I don't want to be with anyone but him. Maybe that makes me some kind of idiot but I want to be an idiot." I lunged forward afraid of being rejected and kissed him. To my delight, he kissed me back and he put his hands on me in the gentle, loving way I was used to.
"Okay, okay," he said pulling away from me after a few seconds and holding a hand out to keep me away from him. It made me laugh a little.
"Well, if you weren't so damn stubborn I wouldn't have to resort to such measures," I said sarcastically. He laughed and then started rubbing his eyes the way he always did when he was trying to figure stuff out.
"I'm going back to Capeside," he said after a few seconds. And when he saw me open my mouth to protest, he held that hand out again and spoke. "I'll stay with Doug for awhile. I'll look for jobs and apartments in Boston and in the meantime, we can see each other on weekends."
I sighed and folded my arms across my chest. "How about phone calls? Would phone calls be off limits?"
"I think that would be okay," he smiled. "You know, it's hard for me too, Jo. I'm just trying to be realistic about this."
"I know," I said in a softer tone of voice as I moved forward to hug him again.
PROLOGUE
Joey
It had been one hundred and five days since I last saw him. It had been one hundred and five days since he left to spend the summer working on a yacht and since he left to get away from me. I missed him so badly. The summer taught me the true meaning of the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I imagined that hadn't been his plan at all, though, when he decided to leave. He left to fall out of love with me. To forget me. To forget us. And that scared me more than anything as Jen, Jack and I drove along the interstate highway on our way to Miami. It was Jen's idea. She was sick of seeing me mope, of watching me zone of out life and into my thoughts. Jen and Jack had just moved into their dorm rooms over at Boston Bay College and I had moved into my dorm at Worthington. We'd been there just two days, all three of us participating in our tedious orientation activities and then spending the evenings together.
"Okay, that's it. Joey you're going to ask Mr. Kubelik where the boat will be docking and then we're going there to find Pacey," she said in a frustrated tone, standing up from where she was sitting on the floor in my dorm room and grabbing my wrist. "Let's go."
"I'm sorry," I said breaking free from Jen's grip. "I'm sorry, you guys," I said glancing between Jen and Jack. "I know I'm being a pain. I just need to get started with school and then I'll be able to forget everything else."
"Joey," Jack said disbelieving me. "You've been moping around for the entire summer. Something tells me this isn't something that is going to just go away once school starts. You need to resolve it once and for all."
I brought my hands to my head in frustration and moaned.
"C'mon, Joey. This orientation crap is for the birds anyway. We could all use a road trip," Jen encouraged.
"My car is just sitting in the lot over at Boston Bay waiting to be used," Jack helped.
"We can't really ditch orientation, can we?" I asked them.
"Why not?" They practically said it in unison and I couldn't keep the smile from forming on my face.
In the backseat of Jack's Saab, hours later, I sat staring out the window thinking about what I wanted to say to him when I saw him. The music was on low inside the car and Jen was reading the map while Jack drove. It was nice the way we had formed our own "group" over the course of the summer. Their friendships had become so important to me over the summer that I probably wouldn't have survived without them.
"Thank you, guys," I said suddenly poking my head between the two front seats. I turned my head to look at both of them then kissed each of their cheeks in appreciation.
"Joey!" they yelled at me. Pretending to be grossed out by my gesture, they wiped viciously at their faces. I smiled and leaned back in the seat again.
We all took shifts driving and made it to Miami in two days. We arrived at the dock three hours before the expected arrival of the dean's yacht.
"This is the craziest thing I have ever done," I confessed to Jack and Jen as the three of us tried to drift off to sleep for the three hours we had left.
Jen turned around quickly in the passenger seat to look at me. "Oh yeah, and like leaving last summer on a boat for three months with no change of clothes with a guy you were just starting a relationship with wasn't crazy?"
I laughed. "What can I say? Pacey makes me do crazy things."
"So, what are you gonna say to him?" Jack asked.
I sighed and leaned back against the seat. "I don't know. Whatever comes out of my mouth, I guess."
"You must have thought about it," Jen said.
"It's all I've thought about for months, not to mention this entire car ride. There's so much to say, but I don't know if I can say it. And then I keep thinking, what if he's not happy to see me."
"He will be," Jack said quickly.
"Yeah," Jen agreed. "I mean, you told me that Dawson said he asked about you when he called. That means he still cares about you."
I nodded thinking of that last night before Dawson left for the USC summer program when he'd told me every word Pacey said on the phone. It was the one and only thing that kept me even remotely hopeful throughout the summer.
"A relationship like you guys had doesn't just get erased in one summer," Jack piped in. "He will be happy to see you."
"I hope so," I said biting my lip.
Jen and Jack fell asleep shortly after that but I couldn't sleep. I was too consumed by excitement and nerves, so I took a walk out to the end of the dock. I sat there and just stared out at the harbor waiting. The yacht arrived an hour late and when I recognized it from Mr. Kubelik's description, I got up from where I was sitting and went to wake Jack and Jen. The passengers departed first and I started fidgeting and biting my lip. I stood between Jack and Jen, all three of us leaning up against Jack's car.
"You okay?" Jack asked sweetly, rubbing my back.
"He's gonna be really glad that you're here, Joey," Jen said reassuringly.
When all of the passengers were off the boat, we could see the crew taking care of all the last minutes things on board and Jack and Jen made me go closer. When I reached the railing about fifty feet from the dock, I saw him. He swung his bag over his shoulder and started down the dock. He was smiling, like I hadn't seen him smile since we got off the True Love at the end of the previous summer. My chest ached at the sight of him. He looked so good. If it were anyone else, I would've said he needed a haircut and a shave but on him it looked so good. I glanced behind me at the car where Jen and Jack were standing and they waved me on.
It felt like I was in slow motion as I advanced towards the dock. Soon it would be too late to turn back and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I set my eyes straight on him and just waited for him to look my way. When he did, I waved. He stopped where he was and the smile disappeared from his face. He stared at me for what felt like an eternity. I waved again. Finally, I saw him crack a smile but he was trying to hide it as he started walking again. We met at the end of the dock and made eye contact for a second before we both looked away quickly.
"What are you doing here?" he finally asked. I was relieved that his tone of voice seemed to convey a happy surprise at me being there and it gave me the courage to look up at him.
"I, uh, I asked Mr. Kubelik where the boat would be docking and then I talked Jack and Jen into taking a road trip with me," I told him pointing over my shoulder to where Jack and Jen stood by the car. I watched him wave to them, smiling even more.
"A road trip, huh?"
I nodded. "So, did you have a good time?" I asked, chickening out of saying what I had really come to say.
"It was unbelievable. The time of my life. But something tells me you didn't drive all the way to Miami from Massachusetts to ask me if I had a good time," he grinned and I felt my face flush as he called my bluff. I don't know why I thought he'd buy it.
"Can we...can we sit down?" I asked him pointing to a nearby bench.
"So, what's up?" he said after we were sitting side by side on the bench.
I turned towards him and took a deep breath. "Well, I've had all summer to think about all of the things you said to me at the prom..." my voice trailed off as he hung his head at the memory. "I have to admit when you first said all of those things to me, I thought you were just being a jerk and accusing me of things that I didn't do because you didn't want to blame yourself..."
"Which is exactly what that was," he cut me off and as I looked at him I saw the same guilty look in his eyes I'd seen on prom night when we'd talked outside after he'd embarrassed me in front of everyone.
"Yeah, I know you said that before but like I said, I've had all summer to think about this and I realized some things."
"Like what?"
"Like, well, when they called your name at graduation, I was surprised and then relieved. My first reaction was not happiness or pride but surprise and relief. I should've had more faith in you than that." He sighed and I looked straight ahead as I went on.
"And I never wanted to talk about the future with you because I knew our futures were not going to be the same. It's like I already had your whole life decided for you before you even had a chance to make any decisions yourself. I mean, I could've talked to you and we could've decided together that you were coming with me to Boston whether you went to college or not. It's what I wanted but I was too afraid to say it or to admit that I thought you weren't going to college." I let out a deep breath and looked at him again. He was staring straight ahead, resting his chin in his hand.
"And there are a million other things I'm sorry about. I'm sorry for lying to Dawson about you and I making love. I don't know why I did it but when I think about it now I realize how much of a let down that must have been for you. It must've seemed like I was embarrassed or ashamed or even worse like I was still waiting for Dawson and too afraid to tell him the truth because it would ruin my chances. I'm so sorry for that. More than you'll ever know because making love with you has been one of the most important experiences in my life and I made it seem so trivial." I was crying so I stopped to wipe my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him watching me.
"I was so hard on you sometimes. I gave you a hard time about wanting to help me and love me and I don't know why I behaved like that when you were giving me exactly what I wanted. I mean, you have always been exactly what I want. And, I still love you Pacey. I came here today to tell you that and to tell you that I'm sorry for everything. This summer has been so strange without you," I chuckled a little then looked over at him. "I'm so jealous that you spent the summer on a boat without me."
"I had to go," he said apologetically.
"I know. I started to understand that about mid-July after I got over being really mad at you for leaving things unresolved." I saw him smile in appreciation of my humor. "So, did you find what you were looking for out there on the open waters?" I asked him.
"Oh, I don't know. I guess I realized some things."
"Like?"
He sighed. "Like that this trip, this job, has been the first thing in my life that I've really done for myself. I never realized it until I had the time to think about it but I've always done things to make other people happy. Like with school; I don't know why I never wanted to do well in school for myself. I only ever felt motivated to do good for Andie or for you or to prove my parents wrong but never just because I wanted it for myself. Maybe it's because I never got any validation from my parents that I spend my life looking for it. But I have to stop caring so much about what other people think and start caring a whole lot more about what I think. It's the only way I'm ever going to figure out what the heck I want to do with my life."
We both thought quietly for a moment. "I know that I haven't really proven it this past year but I want you to know that I do believe in you. I always have and I think you have so much potential, so much to offer the world." I smiled and touched him lightly on the shoulder.
Our eyes met and he smiled. "So, did you have a good summer?" he asked.
"You mean despite the whole missing you part? Yeah, I did. Jen and I have become real close. She's been a good friend. And Jack and Jen did a real good job of keeping me busy so I wouldn't be thinking about you all the time."
"Dawson's gone?" he asked.
I nodded. "It was so weird saying goodbye to him. And sad. But it's time for all of us to move on to this next phase of life. And we'll always be friends no matter where we are."
"I called him a couple weeks after I left."
"I know," I smiled. "He told me."
Pacey laughed. "I should've known."
"He knew that I needed to know you were okay. He knew that I needed to know something, anything about you. I was spending a whole lot of time moping around in his room after you left."
"I wanted to call you but..."
"I know."
We were silent before he spoke again. "So, aren't you guys missing like your first week of classes to be here?"
"We start on Monday. We're blowing off orientation week though."
"Joey Potter blowing off orientation week," he said surprised.
"I needed to see you," I said shrugging my shoulders.
He nodded and glanced towards the ground. A deafening silence filled the air around us and I started getting nervous again. I wanted to kill the awkwardness and in my desire to do so I asked the worst possible question.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
He chuckled and seemed to take it pretty well. "I hadn't really given it much thought."
I took a deep breath and then proceeded to say something else that I knew was likely to make him uncomfortable. But, I needed him to know how I felt. "I'm sure this is very presumptuous of me but there is a floor in my dorm room which Jen tells me is extremely comfortable. I have lots of blankets because I'm always cold and I'd even go so far as to give up one of my pillows."
"Joey..." he started with hesitation in his voice.
"I know what you're going to say so just forget I even mentioned it." Disappointment showed in my face as I stood up from the bench. "I better get going because we have a long ride back. You probably have a plane to catch or something."
"Joey," he said standing up and taking my hands in his. It was the first time he'd touched me since the night I'd spent with him after the Worthington party. He weakened me just by touching me and I suddenly wanted to put my arms around him and never let go. I felt myself starting to cry and he reached up to wipe the tears away.
"Please stop touching me," I begged. I was surprised when he put his arms around me and I squeezed my eyes shut to revel in the feeling of it.
"I know we have a lot of stuff to work through, Pacey. But I really want this to work."
"Me too, Jo," he said softly. I pulled away from him then so I could look at him. "But, this is just a little too fast for me."
I averted my eyes to the ground. "Okay," I said disappointed.
"It's just, if we weren't ready for this before then I doubt we're ready now."
"You're probably right," I said looking up at him again. "But if there's one thing I realized this summer it's how much I hate being away from you."
He smiled, embarrassed. "I just can't sleep on your floor. And you have your own life to live right now. You can't let me spoil that."
"Why do you keep saying that? I told you before and I'll tell you a million times, I won't ever be able to really enjoy this new life of mine without you."
He sighed and hung his head in defeat.
"Pacey," I said using my index finger to lift his chin and force him to look at me again. "I really wish you'd stop trying to let me off the hook because you think I deserve better. It's really pretty insulting." He crossed his arms across his chest and smiled at me. "First of all, you're insulting the man that I love and secondly, you're insulting me because I don't want to be with anyone but him. Maybe that makes me some kind of idiot but I want to be an idiot." I lunged forward afraid of being rejected and kissed him. To my delight, he kissed me back and he put his hands on me in the gentle, loving way I was used to.
"Okay, okay," he said pulling away from me after a few seconds and holding a hand out to keep me away from him. It made me laugh a little.
"Well, if you weren't so damn stubborn I wouldn't have to resort to such measures," I said sarcastically. He laughed and then started rubbing his eyes the way he always did when he was trying to figure stuff out.
"I'm going back to Capeside," he said after a few seconds. And when he saw me open my mouth to protest, he held that hand out again and spoke. "I'll stay with Doug for awhile. I'll look for jobs and apartments in Boston and in the meantime, we can see each other on weekends."
I sighed and folded my arms across my chest. "How about phone calls? Would phone calls be off limits?"
"I think that would be okay," he smiled. "You know, it's hard for me too, Jo. I'm just trying to be realistic about this."
"I know," I said in a softer tone of voice as I moved forward to hug him again.