Prologue-
Two bisexual vampires that after two years of being kicked out of the CIA are now starting there very own television talk show. Zolo the more serious of the two works part time at Mc Donald's as Gage the spontaneous one works at a bar every other night. These two lovers who are blind to their own emotions for each other share a one room apartment a block away from the studio. Their new extreme talk show replaced the absence of R&R. Now it is up to them to bring entertainment to the world in front of a live audience. Which mainly consist of animals. They have to settle their differences and over come their guest and vicious cat Missy who by the way has a supper long name.
Chapter 1
Just Shut the Hell Up
*Zolo walked out on stage taking a bow and sitting down behind a desk.*
*The crowd cheers and screams in applause.*
Random Girl: We love you Zolo!
*Gage storms out on stage with narrowed eyebrows.*
Gage: Shut the hell up!! All of you!
Zolo: Stop yelling at the audience.
Gage: I do what I want.
Zolo: Yeah, right. Now back to the point.
Gage: What point?! Now you're making points without me!? I don't know you anymore!
Zolo:You got us kicked out of the C.I.A!
Gage: How was I supposed to know you aren't supposed to put tin foil in the microwave!
Zolo: When it says so on the side!
Gage: Well, who puts a nuclear powered microwave in a C.I.A kitchen!?!
Zolo: You do!
Gage: I thought it meant it would cook chicken nuggets faster!
Zolo: FASTER! You could just walk down to McDonalds!
Gage: You realize you just said walk ,right?
Zolo: Yeah, walk its what normal people do.
Gage: Normal? Look at you I've never seen so much color on a man! You're representing something fruity mister.
Zolo: Well excuse me for being exciting.
Gage: Exciting? You're so busy you make three year olds tired.
Zolo: Tired? Look who's talking prisoner.
Gage: Wait a minute…wait a minute ..No I don't got anything else to say to you.
Zolo: *Starts laughing.* I'm not surprised.
Gage: Wait…still don't. Continue. *sits down in the audience. *
Zolo: Okay, so' s this is supposed to be a replacement for R&R T.V. has been so boring lately.
Gage: Go on. I agree..
Random Girl: Same here preach it like it is.
Zolo: We have three guests lined up for today.
Gage: So, Harry Potter, come on out.
Zolo: Well, hello, Harry! Welcome to…
Gage: Just shut the hell up!!
Zolo: You just like saying that ,don't you?
Gage: Your point?
Zolo: Didn't have one.
Gage: Exactly!
Harry: Wow… so how long have you two been married?
Gage: As long as you've been a virgin! So shut up!
Zolo: He's not my type.
Harry: Really!?! *gasp*
Zolo: And neither are you, sweetheart.
Harry: You wish you were good enough for me.
Gage: Says the man that just got rejected.
Zolo: I could get any man I want if I was gay.
Harry: And since you're not you can't.
Zolo: Are you saying you're gay Harry?
Harry: *Shifty eyes.* I never said that.
Gage: You're boring me.
Zolo: Cao Cao, come on out.
*Cao Cao comes zipping across the stage valiantly on his noble steed. Then with a swift hand gesture sends the horse back and flops down on a beanbag chair.*
Gage: How is that pronounced?
Zolo: Gage, now don't be rude.
Gage: Fine I'll just call you Cocoa.
Cao Cao: *Over dramatically.* You'll regret that.
Gage: Please I've seen scarier things under the sofa. *Waves a hand in the air.*
Zolo: Now I want cocoa.
Harry: With marshmallows!
Gage: Can I just have what he had.
Zolo: You're crazy.
Gage: For cocoa puffs.
*Cocoa Puffs theme song starts playing.*
Zolo: Since when did we have a sound guy? Wait. Harry make sure Gage behaves. I'm going out for cocoa. *Leaves the show.*
Gage: No cocoa for me? How rude.
Cao Cao: What's with this show?
Gage: What's with your love life?
Harry: Oo. Burn!
*Yugi comes running onstage.*
Yugi: Something just tried to eat me!
Cao Cao: That would be my horse.
Gage: Whoa! Whoa! No animals on the show!
Cao Cao: But!? I came riding in on it!
Gage: I didn't see that and sorry Harry but, you'll have to leave.
*Zolo comes walking in carrying a tray of cocoa.*
Zolo: Who let the kitten out? Oh… hey Yugi. How long have you been here?
Yugi: Since someone let me in. Are you sure it was a kitty?
Gage: Yeah her name is Miss Madam Elizabeth Anne Stroganoff Harrington Vanwits the 5th. Don't ask what happened to the last 4.
Cao Cao: What?
Zolo: Just never ask us to name anything, Cocoa.
Cao Cao: Did you just call me cocoa?
Zolo: Nope… do you want some cocoa?
Gage: Yeah! *Puts up a hand.* Now we can tell stories and drink hot cocoooa and play games and drink hot cocoooa and tell more stories and drink hot teeea~!
Zolo: I thought we were drinking hot cocoa!!
Gage: Oh yeah, hot coocooooa~ we'll be drinking.
Harry: *Comes running with the kitten on his back.* Help it's trying to eat me!
Gage: *Sighs gets up out the crowd and grabs the kitten.* Down you vicious beastie.
Zolo: Put her back in the cage.
Cao Cao: *Screams like a girl.* That thing ate my horse.
Gage: *Turns holding the struggling kitty away from him.* How long has he been back stage?
Zolo: No idea ,but we don't have to feed her now.
Gage:* Whispers.* We probably owe him a new horse.
Zolo:* Shifty eyes and shaking his head.* Pht. No ,no.. There was no proof and legal binding in any harm or damage done to our guest or their stuff backstage.
Gage: You just like using big words, don't you?
Zolo: I'm just smatter then you, deal with it.
Gage: I choose not to make the crowd and guest feel inferior.
Zolo: Whatever helps you sleep at night.
Gage: You're one to talk! Cuddling up next to me during that last thunder storm.
Zolo: Don't pretend you didn't like it.
Gage: What the cuddling or the thirty minutes of crying?
Zolo: I wasn't crying… there was something in my eye. *Turns his head and tears up a bit.*
Yugi: Whoa! Gay-dar alert. Back off.
Gage: *Throws the kitten at Yugi.* Attack, Missy.
Yugi: *Screams like a girl.*
Zolo: *Flops back into the beanbag chair.* We're going to get sued.
Gage: Shush! Hide the body! Takeout the snipers first! Creep up on the two enemies behind the bush…!
Zolo: Get it together ,man. *Slaps Gage.* This isn't Nam!
Gage: * Pokes Yugi with a stick.* Is he even dead?
Zolo: No. You're just an idiot.
Yugi:* Mean gargle.*
Gage: Hey, That's not nice.
Zolo: Who said I was?
Harry: I did.
Zolo: Harry, just shut the hell up. You don't even know me.
Harry: Oh that's right I was thinking of the guy in the… The waitress I had at the restaurant.
Gage: That sounds pretty gay to me.* Squinty eyes.*
Harry: Who asked you anyway?
Zolo: No one he asked himself.
Gage: Mama say what!?! *Pause* Sorry I was listening to the radio on this ear piece.
Zolo: We didn't get those yet.
Gage: So, what have I been listening to?
Zolo: Could be missy she's been chewing on you.
Gage: *Screams and starts dancing around waving his arm around.* OMG! Why didn't I notice that?
Zolo: I thought you knew!
Gage: *Pauses* Of course I didn't know. *Continues screaming while dancing arm waving his arm around.* Zolo ,get the stick!
Zolo: Wait here.*Runs backstage and grabs a tree branch.*Back!*Swings the giant tree branch.*Back, I say.
Gage:*Gets hit in the head.* Ow…Don't hit me with that thing!
Missy:*Hisses and jumps on Zolo.*
Zolo: *Squeals.* Ah…Get it off. Get it off.
Gage: I don't Know.. It makes you look more distinguished.
RG: I agree!
Zolo:*Stops dead in his tracks and looks at Missy.* You're out of your god forsaken mind!
Gage: Maybe she knows we're not cat people.
Zolo: Or maybe she's the devil in disguise.
RG: You two are horrible she's just a little kitty.
Gage and Zolo: She's evil.
RG: You just need to know how to handle her just watch.* Picks up missy and starts scratching behind her ears.*
*Missy starts purring and behaving like a perfect angel.*
Gage: She devil! That bitch is a witch! Crucify her ass!
Zolo: *Takes Missy and she starts attacking his arm.* Magic I tells you.
Gage: Someone get the bible and some holy water.
RG: It's not magic, I'm not a witch, you two are insane, and I want some donuts. Oh yeah and I'm keeping Miss Madam Elizabeth Anne Stroganoff Harrington *Pauses to take a breath.* Vanwits the 5th.
Gage: Wow never noticed how long of a name that was.
Zolo: *Grabs Gage's arm and whines.* She's gona take away our kitty.
Gage: Whoa! You can't take our kitty! She's worth more than the Queen of England! 6 blue ribbons worth.
RG: Well, I'm not leaving her behind.
Zolo: Congrats. You got the new job of …
Gage: Just Shut the Hell up's animal trainer.
RG: I'm not interested.
Zolo: Then you're not leaving.
Gage: I'll get the rope! *Skips to backstage to get rope.*
Cao Cao: What about my horse?!
Gage: What about your horse!
Cao Cao: I'll sue you for everything you have!
Gage: *Thinks about it.* What do I have?
Zolo: *Watches Gage drag the rope back.* You got 3 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, a battery, and that's about it. *Starts tying up the random girl.*
Gage: Wait…*Goes though his pockets.* I got some lint and a key to… never mind.
Zolo: A key to what? *Finishes tying up the girl.*
Gage: Nothing.
Zolo: Oh yeah? *Starts shaking down Gage by his ankles.* A half eaten sandwich, Spiderman watch, a nuclear microwave, a key to Zolo's room, a kazoo… my room!? *Drops Gage on his head.*
Gage: That isn't mine. I was holding it for a friend. *Sits up and rubs his head.* Ow.
Zolo: This isn't drugs we're talking about here. It's a key to my room.
Gage: I wasn't kidding. I was holding it for a friend.
Zolo: What friend? You have no friends. I'm your only friend.
Gage: That's not true. There's Missy and that random chick from the bar.
Zolo: You said you were doing laundry! And you were holding my key for some random stranger you met in a bar!?
Gage: She was hot in a whorish way. And don't call Missy a stranger! She's a princess.
Zolo: I was talking about the bar whore you were associating with!
Gage: Oh come now. You didn't even know her. She had a decent job.
Zolo: I'll say whatever I want. *Holds out his hand for his room key.* My key now and I hope she was worth it because you're sleeping outside tonight.
Gage: *Hands the key over in defeat.* But nothing happened! We had drinks, talked, and did laundry.
Zolo: Is that what you call it these days "Laundry!"
Gage: No! I actually learned something from her!
Zolo: * Turns around stalks away.* I don't even want to here it. I'm going home!
Gage: Well don't come crawling to me when you hear thunder! Anyways, that's it for tonight folks. See you next time on Just Shut the Hell Up!
To be continued…
Dramatic Voice: Will, Gage and Zolo ever get back together? Why won't the random girl take the job? Why is ,Missy, so angry?! Is Cao Cao still suing? What ever happened to Yugi? Does Zolo ever figure out why Gage does so much laundry at night? Find out on the next Just Shut the Hell Up.
Facts:
RG- is random girl (It gets tiring typing that out so many times.)
The quotations are air quotes. The actions are in italics and sandwiched between those adorable stars that have no meaning very much.