This story is at least a year old but it's been sitting in my saved file for so long I didn't think it'd ever see the light of day. I know it has problems but I just can't fix it right now but if I hold off any longer it will never get posted. Sooooo here is a one shot I made in collaboration with a friend of mine: SorryImLate
The Function of Anchors
Iruka had never been inside the Hokages waiting room before. Of course he had peeked in once or twice in his youth, what young gennin hadn't? but this was the first time he had ever been ushered inside.
It was an elegant room, unique to the village in that it was strictly designed to impress high ranking dignitaries of other villages as they waited for an audience with the Hokage. Its high grandiose ceilings loomed over head, richly decorated in almost excessive detail. Several delicate crystal sconces blossomed from polished stone walls as rolls of draping curtains arched upwards, gracefully, like silver trumpets announcing the coming of an emperor.
The chunin paced anxiously, subconsciously admiring the impressive hand carved crown molding that domed the spacious room forcing the eye upwards to marvel at its center. There, a large jeweled chandelier hung by a thin chakra thread and gave the ilusion of floating. Below, waiting indifferent to it precarious location, sat a glass fountain, clear as air and twinkled in the rooms gleam like a kaleidoscope of starlight. The room was certainly a space intended to intimidate but in Irukas case it served the unspoken purpose of granting calming privacy from the prying eye of other shinobi.
'How could he be so stupid' he admonished himself. As he skidded around the room, caught up in his furious pacing. 'How could he let his guard down?'
Cursing his situation, he gingerly rubbed the clean cloth bandage on his arm; one of half a dozen shallow marks scattered across his body, souvenirs from his recently botched assignment. He knew the tender flesh underneath had been knitted closed, but the remanence of the fresh wound still itched.
He rounded another corner of the invisible pattern he was walking to stand in the shadow of two large doors, doors the size of a draw bridge. Doors that lead to the interim Hokages office. The office of Kakashi Hatake.
He cursed himself a fool again as he took in the general spender of the thick doors, a deep sense of sorrow set in his bones, silencing his internal angry chiding. This was the room of the leader of his village and it belonged to his lover.
Iruka had always felt a little outclassed by the village icon and he knew the reason he didn't feel in awe of the jounin was just because Kakashi didn't want him to feel small.
But he didn't feel small now, now he felt tiny, miniscule, insignificant...
What was he thinking? A chunin could not be in a relationship with the Hokage! He felt an irritating sting of tears as he saw himself as a weight dragging the impressive shinobi down. Iruka was an anchor drowning the sixth Hokage in mediocrity and the whole village along with.
Iruka had endured the quiet whispers for years. The hushed tones as he entered a bar or store, or the dropped conversations as he walked into the mission office. He was aware of his reputation, he was the chunin that had the gal to seduce the copy-nin. And the whispers had only become louder as the legend became a stone carved face on the great mountain. Thought constaintly surrounded by the hushed murmuring of the village Iruka had, surprisingly, never been made to feel out of his league by Kakashi. As far as he could remember, Kakashi had never pulled rank or shown embarrassment by dating a shinobi of lesser skill.
As far as he could remember, Kakashi had never pulled rank or shown embarrassment by dating a shinobi of lesser skill. In fact Kakashi was down right respectful of Irukas lower class status, and in many ways was supportive of the menial tasks Iruka preformed. Perhaps it was the stark contrast between Kakashi and the village but it often surprised him that Kakashi was so kind to him.
but Iruka still found himself cringing as he waited for the expected the axe to drop. A twinge of bitter heartache was creeping more and more into everyday conversations, and more and more he reminded himself to prepared for the moment Kakashi would tell him: its over.
But that day had not come and the jounin gave no indication it was coming. and it confused him. confused him because a simple chunin could not be expected to be in a life long relationship with the leader of the village. He just didn't measure up. In fact he could only drag him down.
"The Hokage will see you now." A bird ANBU announced braking him from his sinking thoughts. He nodded to the ANBU before taking a fresh deep breath. The Hokage deserved more than what he was. He deserved better and marching forward as the doors gave way, he entered the Hokages office. He needed to keep himself from dragging Kakashi with him. It was what the village needed, it was what Kakashi needed, and it was what Iruka wanted. Ending the relationship was what was best for everyone... at least that's what he told himself as he passed through the doors... ignoring how much it hurt.
(Iruka was already aware of the reason for this meeting; it was a basic procedure designed to discuss a failed mission assignment and determine its cost on the Village's welfare. Fortunately for Iruka, his mistakes had not been too significant for Konoha - he was after all, a Chuunin and any tasks potentially affective to Konoha were more likely to be assigned somebody in the Jounin or ANBU rank.
That didn't make Iruka feel any better though, as the explantion he had been mentally rehearsing throughout his pacing had now vanished from his mind upon standing face to face with his lover, the Hokage.)
As expected, there was no accusation in Kakashi's eye, but merely a subtle look of concern as he studied Iruka briefly for any sign of serious injury. His lover's care only made Iruka feel worse as he averted his gaze, feeling embarrassed and very small - especially when he noticed his lover's recently assigned assistant standing at his side and still looking very pleased with her new position.
Her name was Hitomi, a beautiful brunette and skilled kunoichi. Iruka knew that she was infatuated with the Copy Ninja as many others were in this Village. However, she was not very good at hiding her feelings and would blush at the slightest share in eye contact. Iruka had been told once before by another comrade that she had already suggested a date, but was sensitively declined by Kakashi, who found himself in the awkward position of standing by Iruka and staying professional at the same time.
Iruka didn't know if Hitomi was aware of their relationship; Kakashi did not care who knew about his feelings for Iruka. He would answer honestly to anyone who asked, that he was in love with the chuunin. However, he also took his duty very seriously and preferred not to discuss his personal life.
Already wallowing in low self esteem, the feeling of shame returned as Iruka realised Hitomi would be present during this meeting, and witness the already embarrassing discussion. While Iruka had hoped for a private meeting, he rationally considered that the Hokage's many responsibilities and busy role may have unintentionally caused lruka's feelings to slip from his attention.
"Good afternoon, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi greeted his lover professionally as he would any other subordinate, and signaled the chuunin to take a seat.
Iruka nervously sat down opposite him. Although Kakashi appeared to be treating Iruka as he had always done, this was the first time the two had spoken as subordinate and Hokage, and it was subconsciously quite difficult for Iruka to identify and adjust to the new dynamic this change would bring between them.
"Maa, how are your injuries?" Kakashi asked with evident concern. This was the first time they had spoken since Iruka had returned to the Village, and it was not difficult to see the level of both stress and relief in Kakashi's eyes that told of his own private distress upon learning that his lover had been captured.
It only made Iruka realize how much of a liability he was becoming for Kakashi, who had been placed responsible for the Village, and so many lives which came with that. The relief expressed in Kakashi's face told Iruka that throughout his time in captivity, Kakashi had thought of little else other than his safety, and while it was endearing, it made Iruka feel sick with the reality that he was in fact holding Kakashi back.
"They're not serious, Hokage-sama," Iruka said quietly, politely dismissive of the Hokage's concern and attention he felt he did not deserve. "I'm fine, really."
Iruka knew that Kakashi was the one who had formed the strategy of Iruka's rescue and had assigned the most suitable team capable of ensuring the chuunin's safety. For that short moment, Iruka had taken the entirety of the Hokage's attention. Iruka felt so small at this moment, and even more guilty that Kakashi was not angry with him for this. Distantly, Iruka wondered what some of the other Shinobi may say upon hearing about the Hokage shifting away his plans to put his lover at the centre of things. He wasn't being fair to Kakashi, and Iruka could see their relationship expiring because of this. He owed it to Kakashi to make the first move, and spare Kakashi the burden.
It was quite clear in Kakashi's eye that he could sense his lover appeared subdued, but Kakashi was not oblivious to the reason why. However, for the time being he needed to stay professional. He opened the folder containing Iruka's failed mission report which he had previously read over.
"I've received an update from the interrogation unit. They have questioned each of the rogue Shinobi who captured you and found their motive. It was an opportunistic move really; they intended to take your rank and identity in order to enter the Village undetected and obtain any information they could."
"I didn't tell them anything, Hokage-sama." Iruka reassured Kakashi, wearing the injuries to prove his silence though his lover believed him without question.
"Maa, I know that," Kakashi nodded. "It seems more likely a failed opportunity to take advantage of the Village while it is still vulnerable. With a new Hokage assigned and the Village system shifting back into a routine, it makes sense that they would attack at the chance of finding a Leaf Shinobi alone and outnumbered on a messenger assignment. It was quite a sloppy plan actually, and no harm has been done."
"I'm glad," Iruka said honestly, barely able to look Kakashi in the eye. He had been lucky things had turned out as they had, and that his absence had been noticed early. "I'm sorry to have caused so much trouble. I didn't mean for any of this to happen."
"You were outnumbered, Iruka. It's not your fault," Kakashi reasoned with his lover's doubt, but before he could continue, Hitomi interrupted with some unhelpful and empty reassurance of her own.
"It happens, Iruka," Hitomi said with a smile, having not received the Hokage's permission to intervene but seemingly unable to resist reminding her presence and importance of her position, and attempting to impress Kakashi with her verbal coaching. "We all make mistakes, but you kept the Village secure through your training. Luckily, Hokage-sama was quick to judge your situation and act affectively."
As she was standing beside Kakashi, she failed to see the slight grimace crease Kakashi's mask at unhelpful and insulting praise. Iruka had not made a mistake at all and implying so had undermined Kakashi's attempt at reassuring Iruka.
Iruka did not respond to her comment, already feeling very small and her belittling approach was not helping. Her patronizing attempt at making him feel better while showing off her highly positioned attitude in front of the Hokage inwardly made Iruka seethe with anger. Iruka knew that he was jealous, having noticed her mention of the Hokage's master strategy to help the small chuunin. She may as well have just askd Kakashi what he saw in the chuunin in the first place, Iruka thought to himself.
Kakashi cleared his throat, and glanced to his assistant. "Maa... I'd like to speak with Iruka alone for a moment. Would you finalize the arrangements for the next meeting; this won't take long."
Hitomi's brows lifted in surprise at the Hokage's dismissive response, offended by his request for her to leave and looking a little embarrassed with herself.
"Of course, Hokage-sama..." she said quietly and quickly left the office, leaving the two alone.
"Sorry about that." Kakashi began after the Kenoichi had gone. "Apparently she is well suited to work with me. Personally, I think this situation needs a re-think," His warm smile should have elicited a recpipritoy smirk from the chunin, instead dark eyes looked hollow as the chunin grimmised.
"She certainly seems comfortable with the job... and you." His voice was even but distant.
Kakashis brows rose in confused surprise, thought already suspecting Iruka's thoughts. "Maa, don't be ridiculous. If I had the opportunity of choosing my own assistant, I'd have found someone with ideas which benefit the Village, rather than try to get my attention all the time."
Iruka said nothing only sunk deeper into his withdrawn state.
Looking concerned, Kakashi considered the possibility that the failed mission and his time in captivity had shaken Iruka up a little more than he enitally thaught. "Did they hurt you?" The words were simple, by the book, but there meaning was deeper than superficial lasoreations. there was worry spoken by a voice haunted by experience.
"No... Not really." Iruka soothed urgently. "I wasn't there for long. I was located before things got too serious. I know I have you to thank for that."
Kakashi smiled quickly before the mood could turn dark "You did a good job in leaving a trail, with the fight you put up," He ignored the nagging fear that had followed him all day, the incessant fear Iruka was never coming home.
"I think we should break up, Kakashi." the abrupt announcement sent Kakashis thoughts scattering like a dropped handful of coins.
"What?" He asked , completely surprised.
Iruka glared, but some how he seamed as if he was forced, that his disgust and boiling toumult was directed at himself rather that Kakashi. "I'm not good enough for you anymore - I mean, I never was, but this... I'm dragging you down, like an anchor. An unessicary weight holding you back and I don't understand how you can't see it."
"What are you talking about, Iruka?" Kakashi edge forward becoming more worried by Irukas insistence... it was almost as if he meant it. but something wasn't right. The chunin spoke like it was some well rehearsed line of a play. Something with origins beyond his thoughts, something he'd been exposed to so many times It was now like second nature.
Soon Iruka continued. "I had to be saved. You stopped everything you were doing to help me. You're the Hokage, and I got in your way, like this... anchor... this 'dead weight' holding you down," He shied away a little perhaps embarrassed by his own description of himself. "I don't want to do that to you. It's not fair."
"Iruka, I would stop everything in an instant to help any one of my comrades - you know this. It was a coinsidence that this incident happened to be personal for me. You are not dead weight to me - you're the opposite. Why don't you see that?"
Iruka looked up, confused at the earnest voice.
Kakashi gave a humorless chuckle "I need you, Iruka - especially while I'm taking up the Hokage's responsibilities."
Iruka seamed to wither with the compliment and a sarcastic scoff huffed out of the damaged recesses of his burdened soul. "You don't need me, you never have."
Kakashis worry mounted but he remained quiet. Iruka had clearly been upset about this a lot longer that he imagined and if he had any chance of healing the man he needed Iruka to release what was festering inside. He needed to lance the old wound.
Noticing the others silence Iruka took it as confirmation that Kakashi was agreeing and continued. "I am a one in a million chunin, you are the indispensable Copy-nin hokage. The greatest ninja in the village, you are a legend." doe brown eyes beseeched for calm understand as his words sealed the fate of there relationship. "and I am just a school teacher."
Kakashi was the hokage, elite and skilled but he had to use every trick in the book to dampen the sudden rage he felt as he herd Iruka belittle his own position. He imagined himself going berserk, causing village wide destruction to rivel the Kubbi in search of those responsible for making Iruka feel this way.
When he spoke his voice was low, serious, his new 'Hokage voice' (sort of like Irukas 'Teacher voice' but with less killing intent) "Since when has bringing up the future of our village become a lowly position, especially for Kahanas most beloved and respected sensei?"
Now it was Irukas turn to looked shocked. He hadn't meant- "Kakashi I-"
"-you haven't talked this way since Mizuki." That was a low blow and they both new it.
Effectively stunned into silence the teacher swallowed, tentatively poked at the parallels between what he'd just said and how and how he use to think when Mizuki was apart of his life. Suddenly he felt off balance, he was so sure of himself a few moments ago. Now he felt like his world was riding a sinking ship and he defiantly blinked away the beginnings of tears. When had he become so lost?
He was disrupted from his musings by a gentle hand against his cheek. Drawing him upward the confused teacher could only shake his head, trying again to distance himself. But at this point Kakashi had had enough.
"where has all this self doubt come from?" the question went unanswered as the chunin looked away.
"Don't you understand?" The Hokage began as the Chunin finally looked up at him. He had a soft sadness that seamed to tug on something very deep in the chunin. "All any of us are is one of a million shinobi, any one of us is replaceable. The only thing that matters is that your are irreplaceable to the one who means the most to you. Have you replaced me Iruka?"
"No! No never." the chunin couldn't help himself he threw his arms around the hokage and drew him into an affectionate protective hug. Iruka knew he was hurting but to infect Kakashi with his pain was inexcusable. "Kakashi I love you."
"Then why?" kakashi asked indulging in a hug of his own.
"Because a -"
"Irrelevant try again." Kakashi said with a chuckle.
Feeling sheepish Iruka realized most of his doubts were founded on the idea he could not be Kakashis equal. but that sort of thing had never bother him before. So why now? Deciding to come clean about his juvinial insecurities he pulled back a little to see Kakshis face. He was attentive and patient as always and it reminded him why they could never be together.
"You are too good for me."
The blunt words and pained sincerity of Irukas expression forced Kakashi to cast aside his own self doubt to see himself from Irukas perspective. Kakashi was a hokage with a prestigious family lineage, he had always been an above average shinobi, he was respected even among the five great nations before his appointment to hokage. but the problem was Kakashi didn't care about that. and he knew Iruka didn't ether but now he was self conscious? What had happened?
The two stood quietly with paralleled thoughts till the hokages door opened with a soft click "Hokage-sama, your next appointment-"
"Get out!" the two shinobi roared at the interupting secretary, and quick as a kuni she escaped as ordered.
But it was enough to brake the spell that had decended on the two shinobie and it gave them each their answer. In the same instant they both realized the true issue. The problem was not that Iruka was not good enough for Kakashi, it was that the village had not excepted Iruka yet. Iruka was still seen as a Chunin not the partner of the Hokagi.
Iruak seamed as shocked as Kakashi.
"What do we do now?" Iruka asked and Kakashi smiled at the use of the inclucive word "we".
"Now we get married."
"What?" Iruak reared back. Marrage was an archaic idea that shinobi rarely ever took part in.
"I'm serious," the silver Schnobi beamed "Marring you will prove to the village you are my equal."
"But I'm not!" He insisted
"Iruka." Kakashi began seriously getting down on one knee. "You called your'self an anchor before and you were right." the Chunin flinched ever so slightly yet remained eye contact. "but you were wrong in your metaphors true meaning. An anchor does not drag you down... That's not the function of anchors... an anchor's purpose it to keep you rooted, safe, grounded. It's a sure foundation in uncertain and troubled waters. Iruka, you are my confidence and my home." he took a breath and gently squeesed the chunins hands. "you are my village and my safe harbor." His dark gray eyes burned and pleaded with a moltan sensarity that melted The chunins attempt at indifference. "Iruka, I know it will be hard, and if you don't want to deal with the village than thats fine. but just know that of all the shinobi in the world you are the one I love. You are the one that I call home. Will you marry me?"
At his words Iruka felt his doubt crash and be swept away as if by a title wave, dragging way the dark ailing bits of his consciousness. and he was left with the unerring feeling that this choice was right. "Yes." hes said. Because Kakashi was as much and anchor for him as he was in return.