Author's Note: Hello all! This story takes place a few weeks after Grams' death. I was thinking about a bunch of different "what ifs" and got this nagging feeling to write this. Rated M for later Chapters. I'm not going to be able to update this one for awhile. I'm going to continue this one after my other Bonnie/Damon fic is finished. Hope you all enjoy it. Please review.
-Anneryn
I DO NOT OWN VAMPIRE DIARIES OR THE CHARACTERS (But I can dream).
Chapter 1:
I let out a sigh of frustration. I just feel tired of everything. Nothing is the same since Grams died. Elena has been so caught up in Stefan I hardly see her anymore. When I do see her, it isn't the same. Nothing can make this empty feeling go away. Grams was the only family I had left. My Dad is always gone; sometimes it feels like I don't even have one. My mom died when I was a child. I've never felt more alone. I see Caroline, and she tries to help. Honestly, she doesn't know how. To tell the truth, I don't know how either. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel stuck. I can't move on with my life, and I can't move back. I have nowhere to go, and no one to turn to.
Although I scarcely see Elena, I seem to be spending the majority of my time in the Gilbert/Sommers household. Elena is rarely there. They have an extra bedroom, so that's where I stay most nights. I can't bear being alone in my house. Sometimes I stay at Caroline's, but most of the time, I'm here. It's become my bedroom, gradually. I spend a lot of time with Jenna and Jeremy. It turns out that Jenna is a lot like the older sister that I never had. And Jeremy… well, he's quickly become a best friend of mine. Dad knows that I stay here. I think that it bothered him at first, but I think he understands.
Stefan checks up on me. So does Elena, but I think that she's afraid to do anything that any little thing will make me crack.
"Earth to Bonnie," I heard Jeremy say. I looked up at him. He has an amused look on his face.
"Sorry," I told him apologetically.
"Couldn't have you spacing out on me, I'm about to put the movie in." He put in Death Race. I nodded, agreeing with him.
"I don't know where my head is at these days. Sorry Jere." I apologized. He brushed it off. He took a seat next to me on the couch. He put his arm around me. The closeness to someone else is nice. It helps me not feel so alone. I leaned against him, and put my head on his shoulder. I waited for the movie to start.
As it turns out, Jeremy isn't as fragile as everyone assumed. I told him about my being a witch. He understood and took it a lot better than I did whenever I found out. Right now, there are not a lot of secrets that I have from Jeremy. I would never tell him how empty I feel inside. Or that it feels like I have to take it one day at a time. When I am around them, I feel better, but not… whole. I'm not sure if I ever will again. I feel hallow. This is nice; it's been a long time since I've had a place that feels like home.
I opened my eyes, and yawned. I must have fallen asleep after the movie. Jeremy put something else in after Death Race. I can't remember what it was. Someone is carrying me. It feels like I'm being carried upstairs.
"Jeremy?" I asked, uncertainly.
"Shh, Bonnie, go back to sleep. I've got you. I'm taking you to your room. You can get some sleep." He whispered. I nodded against him.
"I don't want to go sleep." I argued, still half asleep. I yawned, further proving his point. He continued toward my room. "I don't want to be alone, Jere." I whispered. "Not tonight," I added. I actually felt safe, when I was sitting with Jeremy on the couch. I don't get a lot of that lately, not when I'm tired.
"You can stay with me tonight, Bon. You don't have to be alone." Jeremy whispered, seriously. I gave him a muttered thank you, before falling back asleep in his arms. I felt him lay me down on his bed. I rolled onto my side. "I'm going to sleep on the floor." Jeremy told me, in a whispered voice.
"Don't be stupid." I grumbled. I rolled over on his bed, making room for him. I stopped when I felt the wall next to me. I yawned, and felt Jeremy lie down next to me. He wrapped his arm around my waist. I scooted closer to him. He's slept in my room a few times before. He knows that I've been having trouble sleeping. Jenna doesn't have a problem with it. She knows that what I feel for Jeremy is purely brotherly. Despite Jeremy being almost a year younger than me, he's wiser than his years.
I drifted to sleep. Hopefully the nightmares stay away tonight. They never leave me, at least, not for long.
I'm sitting in Grams' living room with her. This can't be real. She's gone. She's never coming back. It feels so real. Everything flashed. I'm back at the night when she died. We're back at the night. It's flashing between now, and then. She's sitting next to me, and she's dying.
"GRAMS!" I screamed. She can't hear me. She's falling, and I can't move. She's fine, but she's suffering. The flashes are blurring together. The images are bleeding together. I'm beside myself. I can't breathe.
I'm watching Grams die. I can't stop it. I can't breathe. I'm falling to the floor. I'm on my knees, screaming. No sounds can be heard. Tears are streaming down my face. I'm choking; I have no oxygen. How is this happening? She doesn't deserve to suffer like this, anyone but her. Goddess, please, just save her. She doesn't deserve this! She's never done anything wrong! She saved Elena and Stefan. She even saved Damon. I haven't figured out why.
I'm shaking. The world is shaking. What's happening?!
"Bonnie, wake up. Bonnie, wake up. It's just a nightmare." Some told me. My eyes slowly opened. I came too slowly. Jeremy is shaking me; he's trying to wake me up.
"Jere?" I whispered in a hoarse voice. Had I been screaming?
"You were screaming Bonnie." He whispered. I took a deep breath. I squinted at him, trying to make out his face. It's completely dark in his room.
"I'm sorry." I apologized for screaming, and disturbing his sleep.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for." He told him.
"I can't get them out of my head, Jere." I whispered. He drew me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
"Shh, they can't haunt you forever." He whispered. I hope he's right. I closed my eyes. Visions of Grams dying flooded my vision. Silent tears slipped past my eyelids, and fell down my face. Jeremy held me tighter.
"Thank you," I whispered. Whatever he's doing… it helps.
"Anytime, you know that. Try to get some sleep." He whispered.
The tears didn't stop. I cried my eyes dry, and fell asleep listening to the sounds of Jeremy's breathing and his heartbeat.
Shouting pulled me out of my bitter slumber. My head feels like its splitting open. My eyes feel like someone set off strings of firecrackers inside of my sockets. I cringed. Who needs to be hung-over when you have this?
"Fuck," I muttered.
"Good morning to you too," Jeremy said, sleepily. I made a face at him. He chuckled. "Did you get any sleep? You looked like you got some… but it seemed pretty broken." He asked, concerned.
"I got some. Were you watching me last night?" I asked him, feigning surprise. He shrugged.
"Well, I have to keep up my stalker ways." He said, trying to be obvious.
"Well, obvious. What would I do without my favorite creeper in my life?" I asked him. He swatted at my playfully. "You should've slept last night." I told him.
"I did. I just wanted to make sure that you were alright." He said.
"Who's going to make sure that you're alright, Jere?" I asked him. He shrugged.
"I've been where you are. Well, not exactly, but I get it. You just need time. Even that doesn't heal it completely." He said.
"You're sweet, you know that?" I asked him. He smirked.
"I have to have something to even out my stalker ways." He said.
"Oh, okay. Would take include getting up, so I can shower?" I asked him. He thought it over and shook his head.
"Nope, I don't think so." He said, decisively.
"Oh, I see. So… I'm going to have to become a bum that never showers for the rest of my life?" I asked him.
"On second thought, maybe you should shower. I think you need it." He said, grinning. I scoffed, and hit his arm. He moved his arms, so I could get up. I went to the bathroom, and showered.
I feel better. The shower helped. I feel like I haven't been myself, not since she died. I honestly feel like part of me died with her. I always seem to feel just a little bit numb. I'm used to it that scares me.
It turns out that Elena was yelling at Damon this morning. I never did find out what they were shouting about. Truthfully, I haven't really seen Damon since that night. Whenever I'm around, he isn't. So far, it's been working. Elena and Stefan stayed around for a bit. Elena said something about having to do something and she left. Jenna and Stefan made waffles for breakfast. Stefan even made me some hot chai tea. I haven't been able to bring myself to drink it. Grams used to make it for me when I was upset. I raised the mug to my lips and sipped lightly. The hot, spiced liquid brought back memories. I swallowed thickly, and set the mug down.
"You okay?" Stefan asked. Jeremy went into the kitchen earlier to help Jenna. Stefan came in here with me. I'm not left alone too often. I nodded.
"I'm fine." I told him reassuringly. He doesn't look convinced.
"Did she…?" He asked. I nodded.
"Yeah, she used to. Before, you know." I told him. He nodded, looking pained.
"You know, Elena still cares about you." He told me. I nodded.
"I know." I told him.
"She's just… scared. I don't think she can go back… to where she was." He said. I nodded.
"I get it, Stefan. Don't worry." I told him. He didn't say anything.
"If you ever need to talk," he offered.
"Thanks Stefan," I told him.
"I've seen a lot of people I love die. I know what it's like." He told me. I nodded.
"I've um, I need to get some air. I'll be back in a minute." I whispered.
I got up from the table, and walked toward the front door. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I blinked them away, trying to keep them at bay. I opened the front door, and stepped outside. I closed the door behind me, and sat down on the porch step. I hung my head in my hands, trying to breathe, slowly.
Everything reminds me of her. Sooner or later this has to stop. I have to move on. I can't just start crying out of nowhere whenever I see something, and think of Grams. I'm supposed to be honoring her life, not mourning her death. I can't help but feel that I've lost something. Someone. It wasn't her time yet. I took a deep breath and stood up. Woman up, Bonnie. I went to open the front door, when I ran into someone instead. Arms shot out to steady me. It's Damon.
"Going somewhere, witch?" He asked me, amused.
"I'm not in the mood, Damon." I told him.
"What kind of mood are you not in, witch?" He asked, suggestively.
"Fuck off Damon." I told him, tiring of his antics.
"Such harsh words coming out of such a pretty mouth," he said, giving me a slight frown.
"Let me go." I told him, refusing to play his game. He moved his arms, and stepped out of my way. He opened the door for me. I didn't say anything.
"Bonnie, how do you take your waffles?" Stefan asked me without looking up. He's in the kitchen putting two waffles on a plate. I walked past him, and opened the fridge. I pulled out some orange juice. "Bonnie, did you…?" He asked.
"Oh, Damon, what are you doing here?" Stefan asked Damon in surprise. Damon smiled at him.
"Just annoying our local teenage witch," he told Stefan. I grabbed a glass out of the cupboard. I poured some orange juice inside and took it to the table, determined to ignore Damon. Something about him just pisses me off.
"Butter and syrup," I told Stefan. He fixed my plate without any further questions. "Thanks Stef," I told him. He handed me a fork, and my plate. I set my things down on the table, and went to pull out my chair. Damon beat me to it. It pulled out my chair for me and gestured for me to sit down. I just stood there, staring at him, waiting for him to move. "I can do it myself." I told him. He smirked.
"I'm aware. Quit being stubborn, and sit down," he ordered me. I didn't move. He moved and stood directly in front of me. He picked me up and sat me down in the chair, before I could protest. I growled in annoyance. "Am I getting under your skin yet?" He asked.
"Don't you have anyone else you can go bother?" I asked him. He smirked.
"Something about witches, they're just so magical." He told me, using jazz hands.
"S'not funny." I told him.
"I think I'm hysterical." He told me seriously. I looked at him doubtfully. "You just don't appreciate me." He said. I didn't say anything. I started eating my waffles. "I miss the good old days, when witches could handle their magic and their senses of humor." He said.
"Maybe we just don't care for your sense of humor." I told him, after swallowing a bite of waffles.
"Right and I'm secretly the tooth fairy." He said sarcastically.
"You're making me wish that I could use my magic to make you shut up." I told him. He smirked.
"You have to be careful with magic. It can kill you." He said. I stiffened. I looked at him, focusing all of my attention on him. "You have to know your limits. I mean, look at your Sheila." He said. I scooted my chair back, and stood up. I carried my plate to the sink, and walked away. I can't believe he just said that. "What's your hurry little witch? What's wrong?" He called from behind me. I heard Stefan smack the back of his head. "What the fuck, Stefan! That almost hurt!" Damon said, outraged.
"Are you brain dead?" Stefan asked him in a dangerously low voice.
"What? Oh," He said. What he said finally dawned on him. "I didn't mean…" He said. "Bonnie!" I heard him yell. I'm already halfway up the stairs. Where did Jeremy and Jenna go off to? Damon ran in front of me.
"Stop doing that!" I yelled, exasperated.
"I didn't mean it like that." He told me. I tried to step around him, but he blocked my movements. "I can be ass sometimes, but I didn't mean to say that." He said.
"Forget it, Damon. Can you just move?" I asked him.
"You didn't say please." He said, taunting me. I glared at him.
"Just move," I told him in a defeated voice.
"What? No witty quips in return?" He asked.
"Not today, Damon." I told him, suddenly exhausted. I can feel my energy leaving me. He stepped out of the way. I walked past him, and walked up the rest of the stairs.
"Witch," he called after me. I turned around to face him.
"Vampire," I said in return. He smirked.
"It'll get easier." He said. I nodded. When? "It always does." He said. I didn't say anything, just kept walking. Everyone keeps saying it will get easier, I don't know how it will get easier. I wish it would. I can get through this… I hope.
Author's Note: I know this is a short first chapter, and it doesn't really tell you much. BUT it will pick up. Hopefully you like it. Please review! :^)
Hugs and Junk,
-Anneryn