So many nights had passed since the last time we were in each other's arms. Nights haunted by a restless wonder of when or even if I will ever see him again; needlessly dressing for the occasion that he would appear as he did the first evening he visited me in my sleep; waking up to a cold chill believed to be a sign of his approach, only to realize with terrible disappointment that it was only the breath of night seeping in through the windows.
I found some sense of renewal in the notes he left with each contract, my only confirmation that he was still alive and that there was yet an unbroken promise that we would finally be together again.
But I feared losing memory of his physical being and overall presence.
His words, a black serenade; his voice, a cool breeze in a fresh summer morning; his touch, a gentle graze of fine silk. His love, blazing colors of a setting sun- warm, beautiful, but brief.
But then came the evening I had received the contract from the Castle Skingrad Courtyard well. The weather was rough, but certainly not 'inconvenient', because he took the opportunity to 'take shelter from the storm' instead of having to leave Skingrad for his own assignments. 'Shelter', of course, in his beloved.
Finally, everything unfolded as it had in my dreams.
After a light draft I felt the delicate touch of a leather-clad hand against my cheek, followed by the gradual application of mass at the edge of the bed.
I was so dumbfounded by this I did not dare open my eyes, for fear waking from another lucid dream.
"Don't wake up." I whispered to myself, on the verge of tears.
I heard a faint but deep chuckle as the hand folded and stroked my cheeks. Even then I refused to open my eyes, wanting to hold on dearly to what my dreams could grace me with.
Without a word he leaned in.
The faint blue light I could see through my eyelids faded into blackness. I was engulfed in his shadow, the heat of his body, and the strong scent of his carnal hunger.
Still, I did not open my eyes.
But when he kissed me, smothering my lips with a rough tenderness, I knew for sure that I was not dreaming, and my eyes opened wide. He was as real as the moment, to which we began to lose ourselves completely.
I cannot recall him speaking, much less making a sound aside from what he could not humanly contain- like the sharp breaths he took in for every rigid grind, and deep exhalations as his lips ventured into the mountains and valleys of my upper body, and his still gloved hands continued to explore the hills and crevasses to the south.
He longed so for his Silencer that he didn't trouble himself to remove his robe completely, sparing only a moment to free himself from behind the armored underskirt before taking me without reserve.
All at once the world around us faded away- we were out from the cold and cruel reality of our situation and into a place that even Aedra cannot possibly dare to dream of.
Senses were enhanced by a tenfold. Our bodies responded to the pleasantly violent entanglement with a series of involuntary spasms and explosions.
I cannot tell you how long it lasted- it felt as though we had traveled out of the boundaries of time so that we could at last enjoy the rich deserts of each other again. I can tell you that, for however long or short it was, we surely made up for the countless times the opportunity was taken from us by our duties and obligations.
Feeling the end nearing, his grip on the sheets tightened and sounding groans were shaken out of him.
Then, after a few exceptionally aggressive thrusts and shutters of his pelvis, the stillness of the night began to take hold of the room again.
Neither of us were in the condition to talk, but it wasn't necessary- the look in his soft brown eyes and his delicate touch said more to me than words possibly could, speaking of a love beyond what I thought I deserved.
I caught a glint of concern as his gaze traveled down to where we were still adjoined- surely we shared a donning awareness of the consequences that may soon follow.
Wouldn't that be just our luck that it would happen the first time we got careless- while we are kept apart for weeks due to having more contracts than assassins, and during this turbulent Traitor Crisis? I thought.
But instead of directing further attention to it we just took in beauty of what this evening brought, falling into a deep sleep while clinging dearly to each other, as though it may be for the last time.
After what I can only estimate to be a few hours I was awoken again, but to the sorrowful sight of him adjusting and smoothing out his disheveled garments and tying his elegant black hair back with reluctance in each movement.
In a groggy voice I asked him: "Must you go now?"
How pathetic, indeed. I'd become what I used to roll my eyes at, a woman so stricken by love for her man that his leaving for Dread Father knows how long inflicts even physical pain. But he is not just my lover- he is the closest friend I'd ever had and a companion that had been at my side wherever we went all throughout the previous year. How I am anxious for things to be the way they were before we lost so many brothers and sisters, whose unfulfilled contracts fell upon the few of us that remained. How I want him to stay; my pal, my Speaker, my husband! I hated and cursed, for the first time in my life, a calm and clear morning sky. The storm that kept him with me had subsided.
Hoping to leave me to my peaceful sleep, my question applied weight to and already heavily encumbered spirit.
"Yes." He replied with a grim tone. "We have our orders. Ignoring them would be irresponsible."
To this I nodded, then bowed to hide the tears welling up in my eyes.
His thumbs caressed the edges of my mouth as he tilted my head up with his hands.
"I know. I am sorry that it has to be like this. But remember that this is not 'goodbye'. As often as I can, I will continue to visit you." He purred.
"I shall pray for more storms." I said, flashing a smile that buckled under the weight of my sorrow.
He paused, swallowing hard before closing in for an intimate embrace. "Do not fall into despair, no matter how long the stretch is between these visits. It will not be like this forever. The matter will be resolved, our numbers will grow, and everything will be quiet again. Promise me, Malkhai... that you will be patient and tend to your duties as my Silencer."
"I promise." I beamed in a voice cracked by the morning air. "You promise me that you will stay safe."
"And you do the same. No unnecessary risks. Take your time if you must. Hold on to the thoughts of the future and know that one day soon they will be realized."
With that he practically breathed in one last kiss as he engulfed me in his tight embrace. He didn't say the words, but it felt like he was saying "Goodbye".
Reluctantly he pulled out from the kiss, rested his forehead upon mine as he mustered the will to leave, and turned to the door. He looked back, one last time, with an apparent need to say something that remained unspoken as he fought the words back and disappeared behind the doorway.
"Let me go with you!" I wanted to call out.
But I refrained.
As he honored his responsibility, I had to honor mine. To abandon what was entrusted in me would be selfish.
So it was, several hours after he had left, I departed from the inn to continue following my orders.
Without a doubt we were the very definition of soulmates, withstanding the test of frequently demanded time apart with an enduring belief that promises will be kept.
I write this two weeks following that blissful evening. I relive the memory while I transfer to this paper- with much delight, but also a pang of regret.
For it was discovered last night that I indeed will not be the only loved one that must suffer his absence.
-Malkhai LaChance, Mid Year 4E 02