This is a poem that is basically my take on Christian theology...a rather scathing take, it has to be said...if you have Christian beliefs you hold very close to you, you might be a little offended by this. So, just a word of warning. Although I respect the rights of individuals to hold whatever beliefs they have, I also make no apology for my own. I'm not really in the mood to debate theology right now, but if you have the real burning to desire to raise a point, I suppose you can...just no flaming, yeah? It's a waste of time.

Problems With The Cross

When not content with telling us we're sinning,

The Bible wants to confirm such sin's beginning.

Flying in the face of all firmly based fact,

We're spun the spiel found in Chick tracts.

We're to imagine there was this God, this bloke in the sky,

Who had the whole universe in his mind's eye,

And yet simply wanted to focus on one tiny rock,

And care so much about where its inhabitants put their cocks.

But beyond that, he had this big plan for us all,

Conveniently enough, that coincided with the Fall.

See, he started with this bloke called Adam, and his wife Eve,

Who would later cover their genitalia with classic fig leaves,

And even though Adam was created from dust breathed to life,

He had to give up one of his ribs in order to get a wife!

Why an omnipotent God had to perform such an operation,

Which would leave Adam with permanent bone separation,

Is a mystery to me – but one must note the similarities with,

An earlier and obviously inspirational Sumerian myth.

So Adam and Eve lived in this garden of green paradise,

And never knew anything of sin or vice.

And God planted in their midst this tree of knowledge,

And I'm not talking about the sort you learn in college –

This was the knowledge of good and evil, and in preparation for a Fall,

God forbade Adam and Eve to eat from it at all.

"You may freely eat from other trees, for they freely supply,

But eat from this conspicuous knowledge tree, and you will surely die."

But what did to die mean? Surely they had no concept,

So how could they be sure what to expect?

And if that were the case, why should they have to eat at all?

Refraining would save them from much gastric ridicule.

"What even is dying?" Eve asked Adam, looking up into the tree.

Adam shrugged. "My dear, it's no good asking me!"

I still say that their defence in this age should be quite strong –

Since the fruit provides knowledge, they had no idea eating it would be wrong.

But at the end of the day, these freaks of biology,

Were no match for God's reverse psychology.

And even if they were prepared to leave it,

Surely a talking snake would help a bit?

Not only did their eating screw up the rest of their days,

But all their descendents would be cursed with their ways.

Because of a little fruit munching set up so well,

All of us bystanders would be condemned to hell.

But this is where God's plan comes in –

He totally doesn't want us to live in sin,

(Which makes me wonder why he allowed it in the first place,

The creation of the serpent may have been to save face.)

He says, "Give me burnt offerings of your livestock,

Sacrifice all your animals and firstborn upon this here rock!

But you won't have to do it forever – I will soon send a guy,

Who will do the ultimate sacrifice by letting himself die,

Before ascending into the clouds, and those who believe him earnestly,

Shall not be condemned, but live for eternity!"

Now, even though Jesus was apparently a free agent,

I can't help but think something was off about this arrangement.

If this all-wise, all-loving God really wanted to forgive,

Couldn't he do so whilst letting Jesus live?

I'm not saying that we humans don't make mistakes,

But we're not inherently evil, and we have what it takes,

To make the world a better place, and be honest and kind,

Why didn't God, our apparent creator, bear that in mind?

He could have said, "I love you, and I know you did wrong,

But the guilt you feel does not have to be lifelong.

Go and do good to your fellow human, help them out,

Look after the environment and without doubt,

You'll be on your way to being a good citizen.

Make sure your contribution to life is whole and then,

Give to the poor and be well-behaved,

And that way you can all be saved!"

This'll make Christians angry, in all likelihood.

"No," they say. "He can't!"

Well...

YES...

OF

COURSE

HE

COULD!

Here, we're not dealing with just some neutral stick in the mud!

This is Yahweh! That one who sent a global flood!

(Although that's clearly a myth, as geology shows,

And the problems with Ark-building everyone should know.)

God is the law-giver, the universal creator,

And whilst his book makes him seem like a cosmic dictator,

He's supposed to be all-loving and all-knowing and wise,

And if mortal men can easily theorise,

A way of saving us all that actually makes sense,

How can anyone logically come to his defence?

Most worrying is the assertion that blindly believing,

Is far more important than being a decent human being.

So, by that logic, you could be an elusive paedophile,

Who abuses children and is perpetually vile.

Or you could be a racist piece of shit,

Who goes around killing ethnicities you see as unfit.

You could be a ruthless despot abusing your authority,

Or a sleaze ball who views women as his property.

A human trafficker, a terrorist, or someone meaner,

Than a guy who'd kill for a sandwich misdemeanour.

But if you claim you know Jesus, and have seen the light,

Then it doesn't matter! You are perfect in God's sight!

And yet for all us ordinary, normal folk,

Who think that religion is a bit of joke,

Who do things such as have sex before tying the knot,

Or uttering a four-letter word if we touch something hot.

If you're a woman who loves women, or a man who loves men,

Then you are also sinful, to which people say, 'Amen!'

Because we don't believe the myths and superstitions of a Bronze Age culture,

We are all destined to roast forever in a lake of fire and sulphur.

The eternal nature of it all is really quite vicious –

Nobody but God could invent something so malicious.

And for those apologists who say, 'You send yourself there!'

Remember God's omnipotence – he once sent two bears,

To maul to death teenagers who mocked his prophet,

Punishing them as he saw fit.

An ultimatum does not negate responsibility,

Especially when dealing with a being with unlimited ability.

If you're still unconvinced, examine these Bible scenes,

And consider quite carefully what each one really means.

Yahweh could have come up with a fair and redemptive system before the world begun,

But I guess for him, having yet another sacrifice performed was much more fun.

By the looks of things, my humanity and reason are impossible to quell –

And so once I'm done enjoying myself, I'll see you in hell.

Well, there it is. My being raised as a Christian has led to this. I wrote it a week or so ago, and uploaded it on a dare. Make of that what you will.