Jyn hasn't moved in two hours, but her heart is pounding- every pulse like the tick of a bomb. She stares at the same spot on the wall, trying to see nothing else. Not the fire and the carnage. Not the face of that little girl as her life bled out through her stomach. Not her mother's eyes that could no longer see light in the world as she clutched her daughter's cold, frail body.
"Jyn."
She feels that mother's pain like hot metal in her chest. She knows what it is to have your entire world fall out from under you because of one lucky shot. One monster with a blaster. One mindless drone merely 'following orders'.
"Jyn."
She could have saved her. Just like she could have saved her father. If she had been more vigilant. If she'd been faster. She could have saved them.
"Mi estrella."
Cassian shifts in front of her, capturing her face but not her attention. All she can see are those girl's eyes- exactly the same as her mother's.
His thumbs run over her cheeks and she finally meets his gaze. Concern etches lines across his face- between his brows and at the corners of his eyes.
"Talk to me, please." he says in soft desperation, "We're all worried about you."
She tries to breathe but her throat is covered in ash. Her lips seal together like a tomb, ready to take this guilt to the grave. She shakes her head, dropping her chin into her chest.
Cassian whispers something in Fest, something that sounds so gentle and warm that she's certain he can't be talking about her. She is the rain after years of drought, always coming too late.
He pushes her hair out of her face, still crusted with earth and rubble.
"Jyn," his breath ghosts across her skin, "what happened today wasn't your fault."
Her jaw begins to tremble with the effort not to scream. Red creeps into her vision, moisture stinging behind her eyes.
Cassian exhales, "You couldn't have saved her." and she brakes.
Jyn fists her hands in his shirt and shoves him back as hard as she can. He stumbles off balance, staring up at her with shock that only makes her feel more ablaze.
"Liar!" she jerks to her feet, muscles taut with fury, "You know I could have. I was right there. I should have seen that soldier pull his blaster and stopped him."
The tears stream down her cheeks, burning like liquid fire. She doesn't see Cassian, just that little girl laying still and red against the pavement- a cruel waste of life.
"We're supposed to protect what little good there is left in this blasted galaxy," her voice is frayed, "and I failed."
She squeezes her eyes shut and clenches her fists so hard her nails break skin. She can't tell if she's the one shaking or if it's the room falling apart around her.
She can barely hear Cassian stand up over the pounding of blood in her ears. His hand brushes tentatively over her jaw. It is so delicate, and she is so undeserving. A fractured sob bursts from her lips.
His arms encircle her and bring her to his chest. He tucks her head perfectly into the crook of his neck. She's never felt so small.
"I failed." she says, and somehow knows Cassian understands.
She failed them all- her father, her mother, that little girl. She could have saved them, yet here she was. Alive. And they were dead.
"You've failed no one, estrella." he murmurs against her temple.
She wants to argue but everything feels too raw. His hand runs up and down the length of her back.
"That girl was born into a world of war and sacrifice." she feels the words rumble against his ribs, "She didn't deserve it. None of them did." her father's image comes unwelcome to her mind and she buries her face deeper into his shirt, "But it is not your fault, Jyn. You're one person. You can't stop every casualty in this war."
She hates that word. There shouldn't be anything casual about death. That little girl mattered. Galen mattered. Their names mean more than just additions to a list of the dead.
Reading her thoughts, Cassian takes a fraction of a step backward, just enough to look at her, "We will get justice for them, Jyn."
It's more than a wish, a hope. It's a promise.
Jyn swallows hard and finally meets his eyes- dark and unwavering. It's those eyes that make her actually believe it.
Words build up in her chest but there's no way to relieve the pressure. She closes her eyes and leans back into him. There's too much. She feels too much.
Cassian kisses the top of her head, "Tu eres sólo una persona, mi estrella."
She weaves her arms around his torso and looks up at him, adrift.
"That's not enough." she says halfheartedly.
His features sharpen, "You are enough. You've always been enough." when she tries to look away he holds her chin, staring at her with new intensity, "You are enough, Jyn."
She wants to ask him how he can make her name sound like something good. Instead, she relents, nodding and standing on her toes to kiss the corner of his mouth.
0o0o0o0
For the first time in her eight months on Yavin IV, the water in Jyn's shower is hot. It may have felt euphoric if her muscles didn't ache, if her heart didn't weigh so much. She stands lamely as Cassian works his fingers through her hair. She'd only asked him to stay, not help her wash, but he hated feeling useless as much as she did.
He pulls a sizeable piece of rubble from her hair and holds it between his fingers. Jyn can't help but chuckle. That earns a smile.
"I'm going to start making you wear a hood on all future missions." he teases.
She scoffs, "Good luck with that."
His eyebrows crinkle, "You're right." his hands brush over the sides of her face, "I like your hair too much to make you cover it."
Some of the tension in her shoulders begins to drain away. It feels good. Cassian feels good- normal. Enough.
He must notice her demeanor soften because his lips curve into the most innocent grin.
"Turn around." he says softly.
She does without hesitation. Closing her eyes, she feels him brush her hair over her collar bone, away from her neck as he starts to scrub along her shoulder blades. Little by little, the pain dissolves, washing away with the water.