Title: The special two
Author: Loz
E-Mail: loz06(at)yahoo(dot)com
Rating: T
Category: Neil.Andrea
Series: Stand alone. Not related to anything else I've done
Spoilers: So minor it shouldn't ruffle any feathers.
Archive (if applicable): www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net(slash)loz06
Feedback: The good, the bad and the very ugly it's all appreciated.
Summary: Andrea's thoughts and feelings after telling Neil about the fact she's not the leak, she's the journalist.
Disclaimers: The lyrics from 'The Special two' belong to the wonderful Australian artist Missy Higgins and as always the characters featured here from The Bill are not mine either.
Tony reminds her, by some miracle she'd forgotten about her conversation with Neil earlier that night. It wasn't as though she'd deliberately set out to bury herself in her work…she just got busy.
The last thing she's worried about is Tony's inability to understand her actions as she takes off suddenly, triggered by his word 'tomorrow.'
She runs up the stairs, legs pumping hard, crashing through the doors to CID and moving as quickly as she can in the shoes she's wearing towards his office…dark and empty.
He's gone for the day.
An alternative comes to her quickly and she rushes back out of CID, slowly and instantly as she sees him.
It's as she had expected.
Her face drops as she watches him approach Adam Okaro, asking for some time.
Neil looks back to her and her face drops. She knows what the conversation will be and who it will be about. Neil made his intentions clear, there was nothing for her to say but 'you do what you feel you have to.'
Her fate is sealed.
I've hardly been outside my room in days
'Cause I don't feel that I deserve the sunshine's rays.
Still wearing the same clothes she has for the past three days hasn't even registered with Andrea.
She flicks on the kettle and opens the fridge looking for milk; the food in the fridge which greets her holds no appeal at all.
She has no appetite or inclination to eat and she can't remember the last she did.
The milk is missing and she has no idea where it's gone.
She closes the fridge door no longer feeling like tea either, the only desire she has is to climb back into bed and pull the covers over herself.
That's where she's been for the past three days.
And where she feels she belongs.
Hiding…buried in shame.
The milk is on the sink, left out last night when she emptied it.
That means no tea….or going out.
She turns, casting her eyes over her keys and purse.
She doesn't feel as though she can go out, physically get herself ready and get out the door.
There are just too many things out there right now that she's avoiding, intentionally.
She's taken time off work, an open ended amount, she's not sure when she'll be back.
In fact if she'll be back at all.
Every moment of each day she'd been expecting Adam Okaro to be banging her door down, Neil having told him.
But he hasn't.
And she hasn't called or had contact with Neil either, nor has he contacted her…but that's to be expected.
She doesn't feel she deserves anything but his silence from him at the moment.
She's feeling sorry for herself about the way she treated Neil and the mess she's made of his life and hers.
She'll recover.
She hasn't damaged her own career, potentially just his and her personal life will not change, and she hasn't been unfaithful to anyone.
She doesn't think she should be out planning her next story or figuring out a way to extract herself from all of this with the aim of salvaging a story to keep Bruce happy.
Ignoring completely what she's done to Neil
He doesn't deserve that.
She's punishing herself.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away
And it was then I realised that conscious never fades.
She'd pulled a long ago opened bottle down from the top cupboard the night she came home from telling Neil she was a journalist, the same night she'd watched him disappear behind Adam Okaro's office door.
She was upset, scared and couldn't stop playing over and over in her mind what she'd done.
It helped for a little while, numbed it, sent it all away but it was only a brief reprieve, it all soon came back.
It was then she realised it would almost never fade.
Eventually she'd have to drink more than she cared to or start dealing with things properly.
She couldn't shift the nausea that came from thinking about what Neil might do, what repercussions might come for her.
Somewhere she started to mourn her relationship and despite the alcohol that was wearing off she could see clearly for the first time just what she'd lost, what she'd taken for granted and all the potential it had.
No amount of alcohol would ever fade that.
When you're young you have this image of your life
That you'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
She never thought she'd hurt anyone, she never imagined she was capable, that just the thought of it would make her physically ill.
She thought she'd go in, get her story and get out. Quick and clean, all business.
She never dreamed she'd form such close friendships. To come to rely on the people she worked with to get through the good times and bad times. To enjoy their company, to let her guard down…a little.
She feels sad about the fact she's going to lose them.
It isn't lost of her the hurt and anger they will feel, the betrayal, all the emotions that will be targeted towards her.
She deserves it, it should never have gotten this far, she should never have gotten in this deep.
Bruce warned her…countless times. She rolled her eyes, wrote him off as being ridiculous. Never believing it herself.
This was not how she imagines things would go.
She never thought she'd love the job as much as she does. All the good things, the people she works with, the days when they have success and even the bad stuff. The domestics and jibes and disrespect, the dead ends, the frustrations.
She would never have thought she'd care about the lives of the people she's come across. She was after all there to investigate the police, not those who came to need their service…at least not the white people.
There was never a thought in her mind that she'd hurt anyone.
And it's not necessary for her to question if she believed in what she was doing. It was to be a springboard to a better job, a career.
She craved recognition and serious journalism. A paper with national exposure and high profile stories, a paper that would bring her success.
Her plan was to investigate and investigate properly, to form good habits and practices that she would use in the future. She'd run stories only when she had sources and maintain focus on her aim.
She was going to tell the truth, Adam Okaro feel victim to her falling off that wagon.
She never thought she'd fall in love.
Never.
Then these things can never be planned, they always happen at the time when least expected and least convenient.
And you make boundaries you'd never dream to cross
And if you happen to you'd wake completely lost.
How could she know 'the one' would be married? The man she'd hope and dream to be a wife to. The man she'd grown to love, respect and need in her life.
The man who is another's.
But love comes in all shapes and forms.
It chooses you, you don't choose it.
She'd had an image of her husband, their wedding day and life in her mind since she was a child. It had long since evolved past a knight in shining armour to something much more sensible and realistic though that didn't mean she wanted it any less.
She'd since diverted onto another course since then, married was a boundary she though she'd never have the stomach to cross. Her moral guard would hold her back but apparently lust, desire then love was stronger.
It was all supposed to be neat and simple.
She would meet someone and fall in love, a journalist as well, children, grandchildren, grow old together.
There'd be hiccups – the occasional argument. Certainly no baggage and conflict she'd cause by betraying him. Certainly no divorce, no lies.
Somewhere along the way she threw out the childhood guide.
Just because Neil doesn't fit into some long ago ideal, doesn't mean he feels any less like he fits into her life, loved her, and wanted to be with her.
He's meant to be there.
She'd certainly never intended to do anything to jeopardise his presence in her life.
Just the opposite in fact.
But she has.
And now she's lost.
But I will fight for you, be sure that
I will fight until we're the special two again.
In one flash of a moment something changes, she closes the fridge door and picks up her keys and purse.
She heads out for milk and that's the first step.
In that moment she decides she's done feeling sorry for herself and moping, she's done worrying about what might happen.
She's made a mistake, she'll admit that and apologise. In her new frame of mind she refuses to accept it's hopeless, she loves him and wants a life with him.
She'll fight for that.
Driving her car away from the curb she heads down the road with new determination. She's decided not to give up until they're back the way they were.
The two of them.
She picks up the milk and smile at the girl who serves her.
Things are going to change.
And we will only need each other, we'll bleed together
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's,
When we're the special two.
In the car on the way back she continues to smile, it grows wider as her mind wanders back.
Recalling the time that she was together with Neil and the things they said to one another.
It was a Friday, mid-shift, refs. The last thing she expected was to see him outside the locker rooms, smile on his face.
He'd snuck her away, under the pretext of investigating a case.
He took them to a tiny café she'd never heard of despite it not being far from work.
He'd gazed across the table at her the whole time, not noticing the rest of the world around them.
She was the same.
It was as if there was only the two of them.
But she'll never forget a few nights ago, the magic that became of their cheap hotel room.
The room was worn and tacky but the things they whispered to one another blurred it all out of existence.
She could have lived in that room forever with him.
The two of them.
And we could only need each other, we'll bleed together
These arms will not be taught to need another's.
When we're the special two
She pulls the car up, slowly releasing the seatbelt. She looks to the front door of her block of flats.
She'd imagined him there so many times, pulling up just like she has to have Neil waiting for her, not because he didn't have a key but because he'd misplaced his.
They were two together in one flat.
She'd fantasized so many times about Neil…free due to a divorce.
When she was the only one.
They were the only ones for each other.
When he came home to her every night…only her.
They did everything together, never noticing anyone else.
I remember someone once said to me:
"That lies will lock you up with truth the only key."
Her lies did lock her up.
In her new sense of positivism and determination to do something about the damage she's done she can see that now.
They were the reason she pulled back from Neil when he wanted to go forward and be with her…to leave Philippa.
Which is what she wanted so desperately… her heart yearned for it on the inside.
Her secret tied her up with Neil and destroyed everything.
They were the reason she moved onto Smithy, standing on the brink of having to tell the truth to one man she loved, her solution was to move onto another.
She didn't feel she could tell Neil the truth, so she kept her distance.
But he fought, knew he wanted her.
And she walked away; hurt him, to protect her secret.
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place would soon become my hell.
She was comfortable just seeing Neil casually, it meant she could keep her secret, protect it.
Protect herself.
It was convenient Philippa, Neil not wanting to see her all the time, not being able to see him all the time.
She should have realised one of them would start to want more; she recognised the point herself when she wanted more.
She never dreamed he would grant her wish.
It was her strategy that if she asked more of him than he was willing to give then she'd have her way to cool things, to keep her secret safe , to stop them moving on.
As much as her heart didn't want to.
She got comfortable and relaxed and Kerry found out…somehow.
About her and Neil and her journalism job.
The whole lot.
She saw a dangerous situation then.
Filled with dread she thought constantly about what to do, shaken from her space of comfort.
Tragically she never had to solve what to do.
But she never foresaw it becoming this bad.
After Kerry's death she became complacent again.
Now she's in deep once again.
Deeper…Neil knows and Gabriel Kent is breathing down her neck.
So is it better to tell and hurt or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
She opens the door to her flat and goes straight to make tea. The milk rests on the counter, unlike last time it won't be its permanent home.
Staring out the window she asks herself if she would do it all again the same way.
Maybe if she knew how she would feel about him from the beginning…maybe not.
If she knew she'd fall in love from the start she might have changed things.
She hated the look of hurt on his face when he confronted her, it devastated her… she looks back, that was selfish, what she'd done had hurt him and she felt bad.
Then again maybe that guilt will stop her from doing something similar again.
She couldn't do that to him again, but what's done is done now, lesson learnt.
He would never have let her continue working at Sun Hill, researching her story, playing dress up and pretend in uniform.
Career versus love.
Maybe she would have been better off transferring. Then again there aren't too many black superintendents in the borough.
Bruce would never go for it…he'd have run her personal story instead.
Hers and Neil's story.
The kettle boils and as she makes her tea she wonders if she could have walked away from it all for Neil.
She almost has now.
He's probably more hurt now because of the lie and its depth and length, more than he would have been from the start.
In the beginning he didn't feel that strongly for her, had she told him then he would have just walked away…but now.
The deeper the feeling for her, the deeper the hurt and the wounds.
She should never have done it, the secrets, and the lies.
She should never have gotten involved.
I know I'm not deserving of your trust from you right now
But if by chance you change your mind you know I will not let you down
'Cause we were the special two, and will be again.
She knows Neil has every reason not the trust her, listen to her, want to have anything to do with her.
She knows it, expects it and understands it.
His reaction is perfectly reasonable.
She hopes that there might be the slightest chance that he'll let her in.
One day.
That he'll say he loves her again, he's left Philippa for her and is here, on her doorstep with bags to move in with her.
And if by some miracle he comes back to her, she can't let him down.
She has to earn his trust again.
Prove to him.
She has a lot to make up for.
She'll spend everyday that it takes making it up to him, proving that he can't trust her again.
He was about to sacrifice a lot for her and she's let him down.
She's not deserving of his forgiveness.
Or his love.
Nor his trust.
She knows she doesn't deserve to have him come back to her, for him to want her back.
If he does, he deserves something special from her.
And we will only need each other, we'll breathe together
Our hands will not be taught to hold another's
When we're the special two.
She sits on the sofa, tea in hand with her legs pulled up to her chest. She warms her hands around the mug and closes her eyes as warm thoughts return to her.
All the nights she drifted off to sleep, safe and content in Neil's arms. In that moment they were perfect.
The anticipation when she knew he was coming around, the way she melted into him when the door opened.
The simple nights spent on the sofa next to one another watching a movie or inane TV program. If there was popcorn they'd eat it out of each other's hands.
If the movie bored him he'd fall asleep against her, the rigors of the day winning.
She took simple joy in just listening to him breathe and tucking him in those nights.
And we could only see each other, we'll bleed together
These arms will not be taught to need another's
When we're the special two.
She falls from her positive stance, eyes open now, wet by gentle tears.
She will never hold Neil again, he will never step foot in her flat again. Her lips will never again come near his, their future words will be spoken in anger not love.
That's her new reality she tells herself.
There will be another for Neil.
It won't be her.
I step outside my minds eye for a minute
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease
Or something that could ease the pain.
The growing ache in her heart, that had been there dully the whole time lurches and the tea in her hand tumbles and splashes to the floor.
She chokes out a sob as nausea fills her stomach.
She crumbles into the length of the sofa, tightening herself up as much as she can.
Nothing stops the tears as they roll down her cheeks, the sickening and empty feeling that accompanies her exacerbates.
There's no cure for the pain she's brought onto herself.
It's punishment for hurting another.
But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself
Just remembering, just remembering how you were.
Oh go away she says crying harder when the buzzer sounds through her flat. She ignores it but it doesn't go away.
Through the hurt she drags herself to the window and looks down on the shadowy figure sitting on the low garden wall beside the security doors.
Full of fear and dread, her nausea heightening Andrea heads downstairs.
She doesn't make it any further when she sees the devastated look; she slowly sits on the step underneath her.
It doesn't take long for him to realise she's there, he stands slowly looking lost, shoulders slightly slumped and shuffles to the door.
She stares at him, eyes glazed with tears and stands up wobbling to the security door released.
When we would only need each other, we'd breathe together,
These hands would not be taught to hold another's
When we're the special two.
And we could only see each other, we'd bleed together,
These arms will not be taught to need another's
He opens the door slowly, his eyes sad and unable to look up from the ground.
She immediately feels a stab, she senses from his look what's coming and it makes her shake.
"I'm so sorry Neil." She blurts out dissolving into tears.
He reaches for her, pulling her into his embrace.
"I know Andrea."
'Cause we're the special two.
The End.