Hi. Uhm, so yeah I think I've got some 'splainin to do.

This story is basically my revision of Baby Bubbly Blues. I put a lot of thought into it and I'm not sure if I'll be continuing that version. I've chosen not to pull it cause I don't think it's fair to the people who've read it and stuck by it which is ridiculous considering the fact that I just basically said I was discontinuing it but it's been years since I've attempted to write a chapter of it, really and I'm not sure I remember why I wrote it in the first place or where I was going with it. Honestly, I'm not even sure if I created a concrete plot for it.

So here goes nothing. Please note that I do not, in any way or capacity own any recognizable content from the Twilight series. I merely mess with Stephenie Meyer's crafts. It's really fun, you should try it out. :)

Please also note that this story is pure and utter humor. I'll try to avoid angst as much as possible. Thanks and I hope you enjoy.

Chapter 1

I whimpered in exhilaration as his mouth ghosted over my neck.

"Mmm," He hummed on my skin, my stomach clenching in anticipation as his lips dipped lower… and lower… and lower...

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

"I'm tasting." He groaned. A shudder ripped through my body at his words.

Tasting.

A loud gasp sounded in the room as my eyes rolled back into my head. "You have to warn me when you're gonna do something like…" A sharp pant stopped my words as his tongue rolled over a sensitive spot on my hip crease. "That."

Deep chuckles rumbled over my abdomen, creating the most wonderful friction. "What?" He whispered. "This?" I giggled, fisting my fingers in his hair to guide his mouth back to mine.

With a wicked gleam in my eye, I ran my hands down his chest and slid from underneath him. I straddled his hips and bent down to close my lips over his, his right hand gripping my hip as his left slid up with one of mine.

"Bella," he whispered reverently. I angled myself above his hips as his searched mine out.

His eyes slid shut as I started to lower myself, bending my upper torso to kiss him.

"Bella…" My chest touched his.

"Bella.." Our lips moved swiftly against each other.

"Bella," He gasped sharply as we touched.

"Bella!" He shouted, his closed eyes flying open in alarm.

"What?" I replied in confusion, jerking away.

"Bella!" He repeated as a painting that hung from my wall fell on the ground.

"What the hell is going on?!" I tried to move away from him but my legs seemed to have frozen in place, keeping me locked above his body as the world around me started to shake and fall apart. The bed rocked to the movements and soon I was there along with it. The shaking started from my toes, working its way up to my body. "Bella!"

"What?!" I gasped as I shot up from bed, fully clothed to my utter, utter disappointment.

"Bella," he repeated softly. I looked at the foot of my bed where Edward Cullen sat, his hair in disarray, his moonlit features urgent and his hand on my foot, shaking it lightly.

So that's what it was.

I groaned and fell back in bed, covering my face with my hands, willing my heart to slow down.

It was all a dream, I realized.

I resisted the urge to pitch a fit like a child.

Of course it was just a dream, stupid. Did you really think Edward Cullen would do that with his tongue?

On you?

Mother of adojjdfjdks.

I let out a huge breath in an attempt to calm myself.

"Are you okay?" Edward stood up and sat down beside me, touching my shoulder lightly.

"Fine." I mumbled through my hands before dragging it down to stare at him.

"I'm fine." I repeated with a forced smile. It wasn't even a smile meant to convince him that I was fine. It was more of a smile/grimace to express my unreasonable displeasure in a passive-aggressive manner.

"You didn't sound fine." He said skeptically.

Well, I was about to rock your world when fate's twisted sense of humor got to me first. So…

"I'm okay." I replied. "What's going on, is everything alright?" I sat back up, glancing at the glowing clock on my bed side table, looking back to Edward before doubling back to the numbers.

"It's 2:30." I stated dumbly.

"Err, yes." Edward started, bringing my attention back to him. "I'm sorry but there's something going on."

"Right now?"

"Right now." He confirmed.

"At 2:30?" I clarified.

"2:30, yes." He repeated.

"AM?" I couldn't stress enough how crucial the AM part is here.

"Yes." He said.

I stared at him for a whole minute before asking if it couldn't wait till later.

"No." He stated matter-of-factly. I whimpered in defeat. "Okay. What's going on? Lay it on me." I really wish you'd lay it on me. "Did an alien life form make contact with NASA? Are they gonna invade the Earth? Are we about to be abducted? What?" I snapped in annoyance, wanting to get it over with so I could transform back to dream Bella.

She seem to be the one having all the fun.

"There's a woman on your doorstep with a baby, trying to work up the nerve to knock to leave it here." He blurted out, his expression bothered, seemingly responding to my ire.

As his words sink, I'm not sure what my face looks like but I swear I can feel it trying to find an appropriate expression to settle into. Unfortunately for whatever part of my brain is responsible for facial expressions, my darling boyfriend wasn't done. "She claims that it's Charlie's."

Holy mother of dot, dot, dot.

"Are you serious?" I whispered sharply, as if there was someone in the room who could overhear.

One look at Edward's face was enough to see how deadly serious he was and that was enough to dry up my libido. As it were, a solemn nod from him was all it took for my mind to race and my head to spin.

"Is she gonna knock?" I asked urgently. "Is there a way that she's mistaken?"

This is ridiculous.

I know I said that Forks is a boring shithole but this wasn't what I meant when I said I wanted some excitement.

Apart from the things that go bump in the night walking among us dear humans, of course.

"She's pretty sure." Edward informed me, as if he were talking about the weather and not the fact that holy moly, the Chief most likely got some.

I shuddered just thinking that sentence.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I felt a ripple run through Edward's frame, his mouth twisting in a beautiful grimace.

Jeez, I can't seem to stop perving at him.

"Ugh, now she's remembering." He trembled.

Somebody shoot me now, please.

Edward's head tilted to side and his eyes squinted as he continued with his commentary. "Oh," He gasped in surprise.

"What?" I panicked. "What is it?" Panicking really seems like the only option now. It's not like I can pull a Genie out of my lamp and wish her away.

"I didn't know the Chief could be so…" He drifted off as his eyes widened into saucers.

What?! Hell friggin' no.

"Okay, stop." I fluttered my hands around, my face twisting and heating up, not knowing how to express my disgust.

Just ew.

On the bright side, my disgust seemed to have snapped him out of it somewhat. He was continuously—and hopefully, unconsciously—squinting his eyes in random intervals, though.

I do not want to know.

"She's gonna knock now," The pervy vampire to my right finally said something that didn't make me want me to bleach my brain.

Maybe just shoot it out but no bleaching.

I held my breath in anticipation, hoping that Charlie wasn't sleeping like the dead tonight cause there ain't no way in hell am I gonna open that door.