Oh where, oh where, can my baby be?

Dean was buzzing, he just couldn't help it.

His dad had let him borrow the Impala, because it was a fancy as shit car, and Dean needed the night to be perfect.

He was picking Cas up from his place in half an hour, and even Sam could see he was nervous.

"Dude, everything's gonna be fine. You guys have been together, what, three years?" Dean grunted and tried to fix his hair for what seemed like the twentieth time. Sam chuckled. "I've never seen anyone so head over heels for someone as Cas is for you, so don't worry." Dean just closed his eyes and tried to calm his erratically beating heart.

He still couldn't believe the insanely hot, super successful surgeon had even agreed to go on a first date with him, all those years ago when Sam had slipped on some ice and broken his leg, badly.

Dean had been so worried about his brother, he hadn't really been paying attention to what the doctor looked like, but after he had said Sam was going to be fine, everything sort of cleared.

When he had looked up into those stupidly blue eyes, and ridiculously handsome, frowny face, he would have sworn his heart actually stopped for a second. Luckily he was in a hospital, and the guy could give him mouth to mouth. Heh.

What actually happened, was Dean stared at the poor guy for way too long, before putting his giant foot in his mouth. Well, at least Sam got a laugh out of it.

"Do you want to grab a drink sometime?" what the actual fuck. At that particular moment, he was ready to stomp down to the morgue and throw himself into one of those people freezers. Doctor Novak had just stared at him, with what looked a little like pity, and a whole lot of surprise. Dean was just preparing his joking rejection speech, heart dropping within him like some lead weighted fishing line, when Doctor Novak spoke.

"Ye – yes, I would like that. Let me give you my number…"

Dean still couldn't believe it, even three years later.

Cas' family were fairly traditional, and he liked to appease them, so they hadn't moved in together. The whole being gay thing they were strangely alright with, but moving in together? No way, José.

That was fine; Dean was going to fix that, if everything went to plan.

Parking up outside Cas' comfortable little house, Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. The Impala had been making a weird sound on the way over, but Dean would check it out in the morning when he went to work. His truck was a good, all round kinda deal, but the Impala was all kinds of class.

Seeing Cas exit his house, and walk towards the car always made Deans heart speed up. Opening the door, Cas grinned as he ducked inside.

"Your father allowed you to borrow the beast?" Cas' low voice sent shivers up his spine, like always. Dean just chuckled at Cas' nickname for the car. He leaned across the seat and drew Cas in for a soft kiss. There would be plenty of time for that later, and hopefully more after that, forever.

"Yeah, thought you deserved some fancier wheels than the truck." Dean pulled off the curb, towards the highway. Rain started to fall lightly across the windshield, but it didn't matter, they weren't going bush.

"Where are we going, Dean?"

"You'll see babe, you'll see."

The Lord took him away from me.

"So, your special gal's family, they were religious?"

Dean frowned down at the gun he was cleaning, and tried to ignore the way his heart tightened in his chest. He didn't know who had spilled the beans, not that it mattered. Everyone just assumed that Cas was a chick, the one-time Dean got hammered enough to mention him. He'd learnt his lesson though, and he had barely touched the stuff since. Garth was just trying to be friendly; he didn't know that every time anyone talked about Cas, or Dean even thought about him, his whole world closed in on him.

"Not really. Just… traditional." Dean ran the cloth reverently over the cool metal of the M16, its familiar crevices and sharp points a heady reminder of what his job was.

"My Bess, her parents are super religious. We couldn't even be in the same room without a chaperone, but I'll tell you, it was worth the wait." Garth chuckled, but Dean just sank further into the dark hole of misery. It had been over two years, but that didn't stop the pain, the guilt, the loss.

But Dean was an expert at hiding his emotions.

"That's great, man." Dean hoped the conversation would end there, but apparently, Garth had other plans.

"So, if you don't mind my asking, what happened? Did you guys break up or…?" Dean grit his teeth and tried to will back the sharp sting of emotion forcing its way up his throat. Why wouldn't the guy just shut the fuck up?

"I actually don't want to talk about it, if that's all the same to you." He didn't know how he'd even managed the words, but they were out there, so Garth would get the message. Thank Christ he did.

"Yeah, sorry man, sometimes I don't know when to shut my pie hole."

Really? Dean hadn't noticed.

He's gone to heaven so I've got to be good,

"I'm joining the army."

Dean had expected tears, demands, hell; even surprise would have been nice. All he got from his mom, dad and brother was steadfast acceptance, and actual fucking relief.

"We'll support whatever you want to do, honey." His mom had tears in her eyes, but she wasn't actively crying like he had prepared himself for. His dad looked proud. What the fuck was going on?

"You've been lost for a while now, son. We think what you're doing will give you some structure, some purpose." His dad sounded like he knew what he was talking about, which he fucking didn't. None of them knew.

"So just like that, yeah?" Dean clenched his jaw, and screwed up his fists. For some unbelievable reason, he was angry. His family were fucking proud of him. How the hell was that right, considering what had happened?

"Dean… whatever you wanted to do, we were going to be on your side." Sam looked over at him with his big, sad, puppy dog eyes, and Dean couldn't bear it. His family were still on his side, even after what he had done. He didn't deserve it, any of it.

"I've got to – got to do something, to set things right." Dean swallowed past the lump forming in his throat, and willed his hands to stop shaking. "I've got to be better."

So I can see my baby when I leave this world.

He was actually scared as shit when he boarded the plane to Afghanistan. His mom, dad and Sam were there to see him off, and he hugged each of them like he'd never see them again. A little part of his mind told him he wouldn't, because how often on the news were there reports of soldiers dying in combat?

It was a real possibility.

That was why he was doing it, though, to protect others, and his country. To try and atone for what he had done, so one day, he had a hope of seeing his angel again.

But good fucking lord he hated flying.

He closed his eyes and hummed Metallica, but even that didn't stop his heart from racing every time something clunked or rattled.

Without even consciously doing it, his mind took him to a special place; one he didn't go very often because it hurt like all hell. He used that pain, to get through the flight.

"Are you alright? I mean, I can stop if you –"

"Dean, I am a doctor, I know how the human body functions." Cas sat himself up on his elbows and caught Dean with a piercing look. "If you don't get inside me in the next three seconds, I know how to paralyse you with one twitch of my thumb and forefinger."

Dean couldn't help his grin as he lubed up his length, and held himself over his boyfriend. "Is that like a Vulcan Nerve Pinch?" Cas scrunched up his face, and tilted his head to the side.

"I don't understand that reference." Jesus Christ Dean loved his ridiculous surgeon. He lined himself up, and carefully pushed forward. He watched his boyfriends face for any sign of discomfort, but was met with only an open mouthed smile and half lidded eyes.

It didn't take long for Cas to grow impatient and Dean didn't blame him. They had been fooling around for hours, and by the time they actually got to the point of penetration, both of them were balancing on a knife edge of pleasure.

Dean set up a brutal pace; because he had a feeling Cas liked it rough. All too quickly, he could feel his orgasm approaching. Snaking his hand between their sweat drenched bodies, Dean closed his hand around Cas' length. To his surprise, Cas grunted and pulled his hand away.

"I want to come by just you inside me." Dean knew what he meant, and he trusted that Cas knew his own body enough to be able to achieve what he wanted. He changed angles, and when Cas started letting out little whines, Dean knew he was hitting his prostate.

"Come baby, come for me." Dean bracketed Cas' head with his hands, while Cas' held onto Deans hips. He watched in fascination as Cas' eyes widened and his pupils overtook every speck of blue. When he felt the warmth of Cas' seed spreading between their writhing bodies, Dean choked back a yell, and thrust in, as far was he could. He came, clutching Cas close to him. Cas peppered his face and neck with light kisses, as Dean shuddered through his climax.

"I hope you know, I'm never letting you go, Dean."

"Good."

The plane shook as the wheels made contact with the earth again, and everyone started moving. Dean was sitting right at the back, luckily, so no one could see him wipe away the tears running down his face.

We were out on a date in my daddy's car,

"You wana borrow the Impala?" Dean was over visiting his parents, like he always did on Sunday nights. His dads question shook him from his day dreaming, which was lucky, because it was getting pretty R rated.

"Yeah, if that's alright?" Dean scratched his head and smiled. "I just… I want everything to be perfect, you know?" Only his dad and Sam knew what he was doing, because he wanted it to be a surprise for everyone else. The less people that knew, the less likely someone would spill the beans.

His dad just chuckled and laid a hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean, I have no doubt that whatever it is that you have planned, it'll go off without a hitch."

Jesus Christ he hoped so, his whole future was riding on it going to plan.

We hadn't driven very far.

Dean met Benny three months after he was deployed. He was just lying in his bunk, it being his day off, when the horn sounded that the gates to the camp were opening. Dean sat up, because he knew there was a new bunch of recruits scheduled to arrive, and it was always fun to see who they were. He knew there was only one new guy entering his squad, and everyone was excited to meet the fresh meat.

To Dean, there were four types of people that joined the military.

There were the kids straight out of high school, who either couldn't afford college or didn't have the grades to go. Adam was one of them, and he was one of the nicest kids Dean had ever met. He was pretty much the other little brother he'd never had.

Then there were the kids who were expected to join, whose father, grandfather, and all those before him had been in some type of war. Dean felt sorry for those kids the most, because he could tell a lot of them didn't want to be there.

There were those, like Dean, who needed a new start after something life changing. Hendrickson was like that, after his wife and kid had died in a house fire. He couldn't blame his squad leader for throwing himself headfirst into a warzone; Dean had done pretty much the same thing.

Anything to keep the demons at bay.

Lastly, there were those, like he would come to find out, that couldn't afford not to join.

Benny strolled into their quarters, all six foot, two hundred pounds of pure Louisiana male, and smirked when he saw Dean.

"Hey sugar, this bunk taken?"

There in the road straight ahead,

"My diner burnt down because my dumb fuck of a cook thought it'd be a good idea to drink and fry." Dean winced as Benny explained why he really had had no choice but to join the armed forces. "Stupid me, forgot to renew my insurance, and here I am, trying to pay back the bank and everyone else." Benny chuckled darkly and shook his head.

"That sucks man, sorry." Dean was sitting next to Benny, who smiled at him, and bumped his shoulder with his own.

"Don't sweat it, sugar." Dean knew it was just a Cajun phrase, but it still heated Dean's face and caused his heart to beat faster than it had in… well, years. He immediately felt bad, because one, Benny clearly wasn't gay, and two, Cas.

He didn't deserve to feel that way, not after everything. Benny was a nice guy, and in the month he'd been on base, they had become good friends, but that was all it was ever going to be. All it could be.

Benny seemed determined, though, to sneak through all the cracks in Dean's defences.

The big man leaned back against Dean's bed, and folded his hands behind his head. "So, ah, dunno if anyone's mentioned it, but you talk in your sleep." Dean tensed, jaw clenched against the onslaught of terror that welled up from that black space inside him. Dean was very good at deflection, though. A master.

"Oh yeah?" A cheeky smirk and a wink usually put them off. Benny though, god Benny could see right through him.

"Who's Cas?"

A car was stalled, the engine was dead.

The rain spilled from the sky at a ridiculous rate, but Dean didn't care. He had the wipers on full blast, and he could still see, to a point. He was riding the high from having his stupidly hot boyfriend sitting next to him, both singing their lungs out to I Can't Stop Believing.

Cas fucked up some of the words, and really who did that, everyone knew that song, and Dean couldn't help laughing until his lungs hurt. He chanced a look at Cas, only taking his eyes off the road for a second, but that was all it took, of course.

"Dean!"

Right in front of them, blocking most of the road, was a car that must have stalled or something. They had zero lights on, but a person ran towards them, waving their arms, trying in vain to get them to slow down.

Dean wasn't going over the speed limit, no way did he want to risk either of his most important things, being the car and of course, Cas.

Didn't seem to matter, though, because when he slammed on the breaks, that weird sound from earlier roared to life, and had Dean just pressing into nothing. All of this, he noticed, in about three seconds.

He had to make a decision.

Take a chance and swerve, which would probably be disastrous in the wet weather, or hit the car, and the family in it, side on and possibly maim, or kill a lot of people.

He didn't even need to think, and he knew without asking that Cas would have chosen the same route.

Dean gripped the steering wheel, rung it all the way around to the right, and felt his whole world come to a standstill as he caught Cas' terrified blue eyes before the screech of tires drowned out everything else.

I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right,

"There wasn't – wasn't anything I could do." Dean didn't know what made Benny different, but he found himself hidden away in their corner bunk, spilling everything he'd kept to himself for the last two years. Benny just sat there and listened, as if knowing Dean had to talk about it, to someone, but not just anyone.

"It wasn't your fault, cher." It was the first thing Benny had said, pretty much through the whole sad story, but it rattled Dean for other, obvious reasons. Of course it was his fault, he was driving.

"It was, man, and nothing you, or any shrink says is gonna change my mind." He wiped angrily at the tears falling, probably making his red eyes even worse, but he didn't care. Benny wasn't looking at him with pity or sympathy, he was just – just looking at him with acceptance, like he actually believed it wasn't his fault.

"You know how I know it wasn't your fault?" Dean stared at the regulation bedspread he was sitting on, and just shook his head like a child. A tiny, tiny part of him wanted to hear his friends reasoning. It had been a long time since he had had a friend. "Because you are the best person I know." Dean was about to scoff when he felt Benny's big hand cover his, and squeeze. "If I've learnt one thing around here, it's that life is shit, no matter where you live, and people die." Dean couldn't help but agree, nodding his head slightly. "Accidents, shitty, random accidents happen when we least expect them, and we blame ourselves because that way, there is someone to blame. Otherwise it's just the world being an asshole, and you can't really blame the universe, can ya?" Benny nudged Dean's shoulder, and Dean couldn't help but chuckle.

"Man, I tried."

I'll never forget the sound that night.

"Mr Winchester?" A bright, obtrusive light pierced his vision, and fuck it hurt. He tried to wave it away, but he couldn't move his arms. The useless limbs were just leaded weights beside him. The light flickered away, and then came back. "Mr Winchester, Dean? Can you hear me?" His head was foggy as fuck, but one thought filtered through, along with the light.

Cas.

His throat was parched, as if he hadn't drunk anything in days, but he didn't let that stop him. He needed to find his boyfriend, because he was a doctor, and he could fix Dean because obviously he'd been in some awful kind of accident.

"C – Caass." He knew he'd whispered, and he geared himself up to try and shout a little louder, when the light went away and he could focus on the doctor in front of him. He was familiar, Dean was sure, but he couldn't place a name. He must be at Cas' hospital, because the doctor was a colleague of his. "C – Caaasss?" He made it a question, hoping that would get the message across.

What he was met with, though, was the doctor's face paling, and his stoic, professional mask slipping.

"He's – he's not here, Dean." The doc sounded weird, strained almost, and Dean's probably concussed brain couldn't figure out why.

"Wh – where?" Talking was getting easier for Dean, but seemed to be getting harder for the doctor.

"He – he didn't make it." Dean thought that was weird, because Cas always came to work, unless Dean was supposed to have picked him up, then, shit, he wouldn't because he'd been in an accident and –

That's when it all came crashing back.

Dean could hear the doctors yelling about a code blue, but all Dean could see was his partners face, his beautiful face. That he'd never see again.

"He's gone, Dean, I'm so sorry."

The screaming tires, the busting glass,

Burning rubber.

The tearing, hell worthy sound of metal on metal, clawing its way into the car.

Glass shattering, showering its cutting, splitting fragments everywhere it could reach.

The muddy squelch of tires leaving the road.

The roaring of the blood in his ears.

The scream of his partner, as the car collided with something solid, finally, finally ending their whirlwind journey god only knew where.

The painful scream that I heard last.

He was sure that sound would follow him past his grave, it rang in his ears long after Cas had fallen silent, probably, like Dean, passing out from the sheer amount of shock running through their systems.

Dean knew he wasn't awake, because he was having some crazy as shit dreams.

First he was flying, flapping giant wings, soaring higher and higher, until he heard a shout behind him. He turned his head and saw Cas, smiling and straining to catch up with him. His wings were jet black, with iridescent blue feathers underneath. Dean grinned back and banked, because it was his dream, so he was a goddamn master at flying.

"What took you so long?" Dean fluttered up to his lover, and wrapped him in his wings, because of course they were on the ground, it being a dream. Dean kissed his blushing doctor, and stroked his amazing wings.

"Waiting for you, actually."

Which made zero sense because Cas was late, not Dean.

When I woke up, the rain was pouring down,

Water, rain, Dean assumed, drove through the broken windshield relentlessly, waking him from his wacky but awesome dream. It took him a moment to piece together exactly why his windshield was broken, when it hit him all at once.

Dean sat up, as far as he could with his seat belt pinning him to the slashed leather that used to be a seat. He fumbled for the clicker, and gasped when it released him. His head hurt like a mother fucker, and he was pretty sure both his legs were broken, judging by their uselessness when he tried to move them, but they didn't hurt. He'd worry about that later.

He turned to Cas, where he was slumped in the passenger seat, darkness obscuring any obvious injuries.

"Cas?" Dean groaned and slumped sideways, vision swimming as he tried to reach his boyfriend. It was slow going, since there seemed to be a fucking tree inside the car with them, but eventually, Dean reached Castiel.

There were people standing all around.

Something was wrong, very wrong.

When Dean tried to shake Cas, to rouse him, to wake him, to make Dean feel less alone, he didn't move the way he should have. Which was, at all. He didn't push too hard, just in case Cas was injured, but surely there should have been some give.

He could hardly see, with the wind, rain and darkness all around them, but he needed to try, because Cas could be hurt.

His phone was nowhere to be seen, and desperation clawed at his chest. Dean was just starting to panic when a flash of light, almost like the beam of torch light, burst past his senses, illuminating the interior of the car.

A deep, cold dread rose up from deep within him, its icy tentacles sliding around his heart and lungs, threatening to leave him totally lifeless.

Dean had never known fear like it in his life.

The ragged, leafy protrusion erupting from his boyfriend's chest froze him to the very recesses of his soul. Cas wasn't moving, by the looks of things he wasn't even breathing, but Dean knew he was still alive, he would have felt it if… if…

A choked off, gurgling groan jump started Deans stalled consciousness. It drew his attention from the horror that was his partners mortality, to his pale, sweat stained face. Blood trailed from the corner of his mouth, which was pulled tight in a grimace.

"Dean?"

Something warm flowing through my eyes,

Somehow, despite every shrink, family member and Good Samaritan that tried to help him in the dark days after the accident, of course it was Benny that broke down Deans defences and built him back up.

It took a giant, Louisiana cook, and more sand than either men cared for, for Dean to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't in fact, his fault that his fiancé had died.

Dean felt as if a weight had been lifted from his chest, all the guilt and regret easing from him, not all at once, but steadily over a matter of months. By the time he'd been in active combat for a year, and his annual leave came up, he didn't even hesitate in saying no. He knew where he was supposed to be, what he was supposed to be doing, and that was protecting his friends in whatever way he could.

He sent letters, of course, to his family. They were doing well; Sammy was of course excelling at Stanford, although he wasn't one to boast about it. Their mother, on the other hand, she had no problem raving about her youngest son's achievements. His father was, as always, fairly brief, simply talking about the garage and what Rufus and Bobby had been bickering about that week. It was normal, it was home, and it gave Dean the strength he needed to keep going, when everything seemed just that little bit harder.

But somehow I found my baby that night.

Panic had stolen Dean's voice, but he couldn't not answer his boyfriend. He swallowed thickly, forcing away his own pain and fear in order to care for Cas.

"Hey babe, how're you doing?" Dean's voice was shaky, even to his own ears, but hopefully Cas didn't pick up on it. He moved to brush the hair from Cas' pale face, and only just stopped from flinching when he felt how cold he was.

"C – cold." Cas' voice was barely a whisper, but Dean would always hear. He looked around for something to cover Cas, but he came up empty handed. He could vaguely hear sirens and yelling, but it all seemed so distant. All he could focus on was the deathly pale colour of Cas' skin, and the rattily wheeze escaping his chest.

"I know this sounds cheesy as hell, but everything's gonna be fine, alright?" Dean caught Cas' eye and smiled, as best he could considering. Cas though, frowned.

He closed his eyes, breathed out, and raised his hands. Deans heart almost stopped when Cas tentatively traced his fingers around the branch, and seemed to come to some sort of realization.

"It's not that bad, I – I mean, it looks bad, yeah but –" Dean was hyperventilating, his breath leaving him feeling dizzy and sick. Cas, despite being seriously injured, still commanded Deans attention.

"Dean." He stopped his ramblings, and waited for Cas to regain enough breath to continue. Seriously, where were the police? The paramedics? Anyone? "It's very bad."

I lifted his head, he looked at me and said,

"I'm a doctor, I – I understand quite well what's happening to my body." Dean had no idea how Cas was even talking, but he assumed it was a good thing. Talking meant living, right? "The very fact that I am even talking right now, is very bad."

Ah.

"It's the – the final surge of adrenaline preparing my body for death." Dean shook his head, because that just couldn't happen. Cas couldn't die, not on the night he was – was, no.

"No, not gonna happen, Cas. We're gonna get you outta here and get you all fixed up." Dean shifted, but he knew his legs were useless. He was no help, he was just as useless as his legs. He groaned in frustration, even feeling pain would have been better than just being a rag doll.

"Please, Dean, calm down." Dean almost laughed; the mortally wounded man beside him was telling him to calm down, wow. "I suspect you may have bruised your spinal cord."

Dean didn't give a flying fuck about his spinal cord. He'd rip the damn thing out and skip rope with it if it meant that Cas would be ok. Instead, his boyfriend winced as he tried to draw in a deep breath. "Don't try to talk babe, just – just conserve your strength." Cas just shook his head slightly, and trained his pain dulled eyes on Dean.

"I'm not going to waste our last moments together being silent, Dean." It was beginning to dawn on Dean that maybe Cas wasn't being dramatic. Maybe – maybe Cas was right.

"You – you can't die, Cas. You just – you can't leave me here." Dean was shaking, he didn't know if it was because the adrenaline flooding his system was waning, or it was a physical reaction to his brain processing what Cas was saying. The crippling, strangling fear of Cas just… not being there, was beyond anything Dean could comprehend.

Cas' breathing suddenly became a whole lot more laboured, so Dean shook himself from his depressing stupor. There would be time later to dwell on the misery of his life, but at that moment, he had to concentrate on Cas. In a moment of clarity, he remembered the tiny box hidden in the glove compartment.

"Let me just –" Dean leaned over, careful not to jostle Cas too much. It was important, very important, that he show Cas what he had planned for their night. He didn't think he would be able to live with himself if Cas never knew how much he meant to him. Not that he'd be able to if Cas – if he… Dean was driving, it was his fault, his fault and if Cas…

Dean shook his head, shooing away the thoughts threatening to consume him. Cas needed him.

He managed, after a few minutes of dragging his numb, stupid body every which way, to extricate the small box from the badly damaged glove compartment. Cas had his eyes closed and was breathing shallowly when Dean resurfaced, so he hurried to get the box in front of his pale face.

"Cas, please, you need to open your eyes." His boyfriend slowly peeled his open, and fixed them dazedly on the little black box.

"Whas – whas 'at?" Cas was starting to slur his words, and that could not be a good sign. Dean attempted a small smile, but the tears that he'd tried to hold back were sabotaging him. His chin twitched and wobbled, and he sniffed before answering.

"It's why I wanted to go out tonight, babe." Dean opened the box, and Cas let out a small gasp of precious air. "I wanted – wanted everything to be perfect, but I guess that all went to shit, didn't it." Not really the proposal he had in mind, but it'd do. "Castiel Novak, would you do me the honour of spending the rest of your life with me?" Even before he'd finished, Dean knew what he'd said was awful. Imagine saying something like that to someone that was …

To his surprise, Cas actually laughed. "We'll be together longer than that, Dean." With a shaky hand, Cas covered Deans, so he could put the ring on. "True love never dies."

Hold me darling just a little while.

There wasn't enough time.

Dean used to think he had all the time in the world, that nothing could touch him, nothing could touch them.

How fucking wrong was he.

Cas' breathing became shallower, even as he told Dean how much he loved the ring, and that of course his answer was going to be yes. Dean was shaking, cold, adrenaline, fear, it didn't fucking matter why, but he shook so bad his teeth were chattering and his breathing started getting shallow. A part of him hoped he was dying right along with Cas, but then he thought of his parents, and Sam, and a small part, a tiny, stubborn, indignant part, knew that was selfish.

Everything was fucked up and just so wrong, and every part of him battled against the injustice of it all, struggling to stay in the present.

Cas' wet, ragged cough dragged him back though, the jarring reality warping itself into some twisted nightmare. Blood was making its way slowly down Cas' chin, dripping in little innocent droplets. Dean couldn't help but focus on it, some bizarre river of blood draining Cas of his life, his light.

"Dean…" Cas' voice was barely a whisper, but it was the candle in the window of deep despair allowing Dean to concentrate, to be there.

"I'm here, babe, I'm here." Dean pulled himself closer to his fiancé, ignoring every flare of pain that jolted through him. "What's up?" Trying to stay nonchalant seemed to be working well to stem the flow of his true emotions, so Dean just went with it. It was easier than thinking about…

"Can you – can you just hold me? Please?" Dean choked back a sob, throat burning with the shear effort of holding back his howls of devastation. How was it fair?

Dean complied, carefully sliding his hand behind Cas' neck, the other, holding Cas' cold, clammy hand. He rubbed small circles with his thumb, and hoped it didn't cause any more pain.

"Tell – tell my parents I love them." Dean froze, because that sounded like Cas was – was saying goodbye. He couldn't say goodbye, everything was gonna be fine, and if the fucking paramedics hurried up, they would be. He knew that if he could just get Cas to a hospital, then everything would be fine.

"You can tell them yourself, when we get outta here." Dean sounded angry, even to himself, and he clutched at Cas just that little bit harder. If he just put himself in the way, Death himself couldn't pry Cas from his hands.

"Dean…"

"No, just fuck no." Someone was sobbing uncontrollably, and it took him a moment to realise it was him. He was holding Cas too tight, but the other man either didn't care or couldn't – couldn't feel it.

"Dean." The tone in Cas' voice startled him, he hadn't expected him to be able to summon that much strength. "You have to accept it, I'm not going to walk away from this." Cas tensed as a shudder ran over him, visibly draining what colour was left in his face. "I have accepted it, and you must do the same." Cas somehow raised his hand, and stroked Deans tear stained cheek. "I don't want you blaming yourself for this, because I know you will."

I held him close, I kissed him our last kiss,

Something had stalled inside Dean, some part of him that should have been able to function at some level in a situation as bad as the one they were in.

As always, it was Cas that helped him through.

"I don't – I don't know what to do, Cas. How can – how can I go on after this?" Dean shook, and Cas was still. He looked like he was barely breathing, but Dean knew he was still there.

"You take one day at a time." Cas wheezed his way through, and smiled tiredly up at Dean. "You don't push away everyone that will try and help you." Cas knew him so well, it just broke his heart all over again. No one would ever know him so well again.

"I can't promise any of that; you know I'm a stubborn asshole." Dean stoked Cas' lank, sweaty hair. "But I can try, I can promise to try." Cas smiled at him, but it suddenly changed to a look of fear.

"Kiss me, Dean, please, just kiss me." Dean was confused at the sudden change of topic, but he followed Cas' wishes. He'd do anything his angel wanted. He wiped away as much blood as he could, before deciding it didn't matter. He kissed Cas gently, savouring the feeling of his strangely warm lips, his tentative tongue, and little breaths. It was a few seconds before Dean realised Cas was whispering urgently into their kiss. "I love you, so much, I love you more than anything Dean, I love you so much, I don't want to leave you, love you, love you –

"I love you, Cas, I don't want you to leave either," Dean whispered desperately into their slightly open mouths. "Just stay with me babe, stay with me, I love you so much." He stroked Cas' hair, urging him to hold on, just a few more minutes, then the paramedics would find them.

"Dean…love… you…find…you…again." Deans eyes snapped open when Cas stuttered out a breath… and nothing followed. He stared, longer then he should have, before he shook Cas' shoulder.

"Cas?" A part of Dean that he refused to acknowledge, knew Cas was gone, but every other part denied it. He couldn't be gone. They'd just got engaged for fuck sake. They were in the prime of their lives, they didn't smoke or do drugs, they were healthy, strong young men.

Was the universe really that cruel?

Cas' eyes, half closed, once so blue and radiant, were dull and lifeless. His head lolled between his slumped shoulders, almost touching the tree limb that had taken his life, taken him from Dean.

"CAS?!" Dean was screaming, even loud to his own ears, but it wasn't like anyone was around to fucking hear him. His devastated howling would hopefully attract some wild animals that could put him out of his misery, because what was the point in a world without Cas? It was more than he could cope with, the screaming, the crying, the cry of a wounded animal losing its mate, howling to the moon at the sheer horror he was faced with.

A sharp beam of light cut across his vision, before a voice floated into his consciousness. "Sir, can you hear me? Please calm down, we're going to get you out of there as fast as were can –" Dean launched himself towards the window, as far as his broken body would allow him.

"Save him! SAVE HIM, PLEASE." Dean felt something pop in his back, and he howled as a whole different kind of pain overwhelmed him, as his body was engulfed in fire. Why was the world punishing him?

The universe finally gave him a break, clicking her fingers and sending him into an instant, deep well of nothing.

I found the love that I knew I had missed.

Dean hugged his gun close to his trembling body, because even though he was a soldier, he was allowed to be scared, goddamnit. They really had no idea what to expect, all they had been told was to suit up and ship out. Another company had come under fire, and they needed back up. Dean hadn't bothered to learn all the other army lingo, only the stuff that was important to him and his men.

Benny's knee jiggled nervously beside him, and he had the strongest urge to put his hand over it. If it would steady the guy, comfort him or just surprise all the other guys sitting around them, Dean didn't know, but they didn't need the distraction. He was desperate to comfort his friend, though, it being his first big combat experience.

"Just keep your head down, and stay in cover." Dean smiled softly at Benny as the big man shifted just that little bit closer to him. "I'll watch your six, and make sure you don't get into any shit you can't handle." Benny managed a little smirk, but it was quickly wiped away as the sound of shooting, the click click bang of gunfire, filtered into their range of hearing.

"Thanks, brotha." Dean allowed himself a quick shoulder squeeze, before listening to his orders.

"All right ladies, we've got a small group of insurgents holed up in a group of mud huts, and they've got our guys pinned down." Hendrickson looked around at them all, finally settling on Dean. "Now this is just an in and out, I don't want any of you trying to be a hero." Dean looked away, fighting the urge to grimace. Hendrickson was fully aware of Deans psyche evaluation, his hero complex and he reminded him pretty damn frequently.

Spilling out into the early dawn light, Dean and his squad found cover quickly. His heart was pummeling the inner walls of his chest, threatening to jump out and expose him to his enemies. He scanned the area quickly for Benny, and found the southerner crouching a few meters to his right, listening intently to their orders as Hendrickson surveyed the scene before them.

"Alright, Corbett, Karns, Dex," Hendrickson turned to one half of the squad crouched around him. "You take the houses to the left, clear them out and rendezvous with Alpha Team." Their squad leader turned to Dean, Benny and Garth. "Winchester, Laffite, Fitzgerald, you three take the two houses to the right. Clear them out and collect the remaining members of Alpha Team." Dean nodded, and checked his gun before moving to the edge of their line of cover.

He could see the sandy, pocked marked buildings in the distance, their history canvassed across their shabby exteriors. The village's inhabitants had long gone, driven away from their homes and livelihoods by the incessant fighting. Dean had long stopped caring who was fighting who and why, it made little difference to him. All he had to worry about was watching his team mates backs and keeping them safe.

"You ready brotha?" Benny's blue eyes were hidden beneath his goggles, and for that Dean was grateful. He liked to clear his mind during missions, so he wasn't distracted and therefore, a liability to his team. The last thing he needed to be reminded of was blue eyes, staring at him with such love and adoration – "Dean?"

Dean snapped back to the present, firmly reminding himself that he had a job to do, and that was to protect his friends. "Sure am, sugar." Dean smirked at Benny, who just shook his head and laughed. Dean had a way of lightening situations, which came in handy in tense situations.

Dean watched Hendrickson as he raised his hand, palm up waiting for just the right moment. A break in the gunfire had Hendrickson sweep his hand downwards, signalling their advance forward.

Benny, Dean and Garth flew out from behind the battered wall where they had taken shelter, staying low, shuffling to the next small piece of safety. A scattering of gunfire met them, but the other half of their team took them out, covering Dean and his half.

The first house they reached was empty, save for a few broken bits of furniture and an angry looking goat. Dean hoped it made it out unscathed. It didn't ask for the war raging around it, none of them did.

Benny made a quick whistle between his teeth to get Deans attention, and cocked his head to indicate their quick exit of the house. No time to stand around looking at farm animals. Dean clutched his gun close to his rapidly beating heart, feeling every hurried pulse. The adrenaline pumping through his veins had him on high alert, snapping around to every click and crunch.

Benny took point on the next house, with Dean right beside him. As the big man reached for the handle on the rickety old door, Dean looked at the man who had quickly become his best friend, the man who had dragged him kicking and screaming from his own personally made cage of regret and depression. He really couldn't thank him enough, and words couldn't contain the gratitude he felt for Benny.

He gave the signal that he was ready, and Benny swung open the door.

It all happened so quickly, Dean wasn't entirely sure what happened. Not that it mattered, it was always going to end the same way.

Well now he's gone even though I hold him tight,

The kid didn't look to be any more than fifteen, but he was holding a gun, and it was pointed straight at Benny's chest. Dean didn't even think when he jumped in front of his friend, bear hugging the man to protect his body. He trusted Garth to take care of the enemy. Sammy always said Dean acted before he thought about the consequences, but in that instance, the ramifications of his actions were so ingrained that they were simply instinct. His friend was in trouble, and he could help, it was that simple. All he had to sacrifice, was himself.

Simple.

When the first of the bullets pierced his skin, the breath was knocked clean out of him. He'd expected more pain, he'd seen his share of movies, but for some reason Cas' voice flooded his mind, and he didn't mind at all.

"If the body experiences more pain than it can deal with, it floods the system with endorphin's, our natural pain killer."

He wasn't sure how many bullets had taken up residence within his body, but he was sure it was a concerning amount, considering Benny was white faced and leaning over him, tapping him lightly on the cheek.

"Why'd you do that, brotha?" Benny had, were those tears? "Boss said no heroics." Benny smoothed his hand over Deans forehead, which was weird because he couldn't actually feel it. Actually, he couldn't feel anything.

That… that couldn't be good.

"Had to – to save your slow ass." Dean rasped the words out, and that hurt. Something else was taking up space in his chest, and he could barely get the words out. Something dribbled out of the side of his mouth, and with Benny's gut wrenching sob, he realized it could be blood.

"Don't try to talk, cher." Benny cradled him closer, running a soothing hand through Deans sandy blonde hair. "Evac'll be here soon, you just gotta hang on until then." Dean blinked slowly, but he could only take Benny in, his best friend that he'd fucking saved. Finally, he'd done something right with his sorry existence; he'd finally paid the universe back for the life he'd taken, even if it were by accident.

"Benny-" Dean coughed, and a bone deep weariness settled into him. He was running out of time, he knew that. He'd accepted it. Is that what Cas had felt? When he had sat there, pinned to the leather seats of the Impala, saying goodbye to his soulmate? "I just want you to know, that I love you, man." Dean blinked up at Benny, who was shaking with emotion, so he just kept going. "You saved me. I was – was in a dark place, and you pulled me out. I owe you everything." Dean wanted to grab his friend's hand, but he could barely breathe at that point, so he tried a small smile instead.

"No, no, you don't get to leave, Dean." Benny sounded angry, but Dean knew it was just fear and sadness. "You don't get to say that lovey dovey crap and then just check out."

"I got too, man. I've got somewhere to be, someone to meet." Dean was talking gibberish, but his words made sense to him, he was gonna see Cas again, he was going to be with his angel. Dean could feel the pull getting stronger, the insistent tug that told him it was almost time to go.

He smiled at Benny, who was trying everything to bargain with Dean, from threatening to pleading. Deans hearing dulled, and he closed his eyes, partly from exhaustion, but also to keep the sand whipped up by the chopper from getting in his eyes. Not that it mattered, he wouldn't need them where he was going.

He wasn't consciously aware of when exactly he stopped breathing, but for a minute he could hear Benny yelling for the medics to hurry the hell up, and begging Dean not to leave. Dean appreciated, more than Benny could ever know, how much it meant that he was willing to fight for him.

Dean had been fighting for a long time.

It was time to let go.

I lost my love, my life that night.

Dean awoke to a bright assed light shining, well, everywhere.

For a moment he thought he'd woken up in a hospital, and the beam shinning away happily was a damn doctors torch. Dean squinted and moved his hand to cover his eyes, before it dawned on him he was actually staring up into the sun.

"What the fuck?" Blinking, and trying his best to gain his bearings, Dean turned his head to the right, fully aware that his body was pillowed by the softest grass ever. He was met with a pair of black dress shoes, and a deeply amused voice.

"You may have to watch your language up here, Dean." He was sure he'd never stood up so fast in his life.

He probably looked stupid as hell, but the stunning blue eyes staring back at him were only filled with love and pure, unadulterated happiness.

"Am I – am I dreaming?" Dumb question, really, but it was a possibility. Maybe he was in a coma, or surgery? He wasn't a brain surgeon; he didn't know how that stuff worked. Cas, however real or imaginary, stood before him and chuckled.

"I can assure you, this is not a dream." Cas shifted slightly closer, gently taking one of Deans hands, as if he were afraid of startling him. "I've been waiting a long time for you, but I knew you'd get here eventually." Dean's heart stuttered in his chest as Cas' very real fingers laced with his, binding them together for the first time in years.

"Cas I -" His fiances finger pressed against his lips, gently silencing the apology dancing over his tongue. Cas' eyes crinkled in a slight glare, but he couldn't keep the happiness from them for long.

"I thought I told you that it wasn't your fault?" Cas cocked his head, and Deans heart stuttered at the familiar gesture.

"Yeah but – " Cas wouldn't even let him get a word in, just shook his head slightly and closed the gap between them. Such familiar lips, slightly chapped but so goddamned soft, met his in a jubilation of feeling. Dean couldn't contain the giddy laugh that erupted from within him, he was just so goddamn happy. "So, I'm dead? Like, lights gone out, no one home, six feet under, dead?" Cas nodded, and curled their hands together, like it was their first date all over again. "How am I here with you then? I mean, I've done some pretty bad shit". Dean looked down, embarrassed that he might have disappointed his angel.

Cas tugged on his hand to make him look up, drew back and smiled that crinkle eyed, bright smile he only reserved for Dean.

"You must have redeemed yourself, then, in some way." Dean blushed, thinking about Benny. It was worth it, sacrificing himself. He'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. "And besides, what I told you was the truth, as ive come to find out."

Dean scrunched his face up in confusion, because he had no clue what Cas was talking about. That was, until he finally realized where they were. He looked up at his angel, a huge smile breaking across his face.

"True love, never dies."