Kuchizuke

It had been a nightmare, a lucid dream, at least, that was what it felt like to the small sane part that remained in Kevin's mind. He felt like he'd just woken up from a very bad nightmare, or like a person under anesthetics who just woke up and feels groggy.

Kevin! Stop! You're hurting me!

He hadn't properly apologized. But that wasn't really how he was; "I'm sorry" wasn't something he said often. Even though he'd tried to say it several times that evening, he just couldn't. Sorry didn't cut it this time, not with her, not after what he'd done to her, purposely draining her power, trying to satisfy the consuming hunger that had been the only thing on his mind at the time. For him, saying something as lame and silly as "I'm sorry" to Gwen Tennyson just wasn't enough after that. Sure, she'd explained that she'd been bait as a part of their plan to return him to normal, but her pain-filled screams certainly weren't faked at all.

He could excuse it, say it was the insanity of all the power he'd absorbed, but part of him had enjoyed her pain and the power he'd had over her. The darker side terrified him and that was something he'd never wanted to purposely go back to. He'd traumatized her, that confrontation would no doubt be burned into their deepest, darkest nightmares and he was unsure of what to do.

"Gwen, are you…really okay?" he looked at her, she had a few nasty cuts on her face but she looked fine.

"I'm fine, except the cuts on my face really hurt," Gwen smiled a little. "I'm just happy you're back to normal."

"I know you said that what happened in the arcade was a part of your plan to help me revert back but…I hurt you really bad didn't I?"

Gwen didn't say anything to him. She didn't look away from him either.

"Admit it Gwen, you weren't faking when you were in pain, I nearly killed you."

"You didn't kill me, I knew that I would be able to get away," Gwen told him confidently.

"You're just saying that, what if I'd actually killed you, I was insane, I didn't even care that you were in pain and begging me to stop hurting you. I enjoyed it, and I'm afraid if I ever go crazy again, the next time something like that happens I'll kill you for real."

"I have faith in you Kevin; you'll always be able to do the right thing, no matter what."

"How can you say that? I barely knew you when I met Ben; I haven't even known you for nearly as long. I betrayed you guys and you're brushing it off like it's no big deal."

"You didn't betray us on purpose, you did it to save the world from Agregor, you're a hero, and Grandpa said so."

"If you say so," he sighed. "Still, Gwen, I—"

Gwen pressed her mouth to his and kissed him. After a long moment, she pulled away. "It's okay, I understand. You don't need to say anything, it's just the alexithymia* that seems to affect you and you don't express feelings vocally."

"What kind of a word is that?" he'd never heard that word before.

"It means, having a hard time describing your feelings to other people. It's also a song by Anberlin."

"Oh, didn't know that," he muttered.

He got into his car as they headed home from Mr. Smoothies, he'd offered to drive Gwen back to her house and hopefully, keep her parents from getting too mad at her for what happened to their house.

They began driving home in silence when Kevin finally spoke up.

"Gwen?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you. Stop apologizing."

"Fine."

"What about next time, Gwen? Next time if that happens; there may not be a cure, what if I can't ever come back after I lose my mind again? Next time, don't interfere with Ben. Next time, he has to kill me, that's the only way to stop me when I go insane, you know how well it went when you tried to talk to me. I actually hurt you, and I won't ever forgive myself for that. I acted like that jerk Mike Morningstar and I always promised myself I'd never be like him."

"I'm surprised it bothers you this much," Gwen said. She'd never seen him like this.

"I know you did it to bait me, but you nearly got yourself killed. Don't risk so much for me. I'm not worth it."

"You're worth it, Kevin. I'll do it all over again if I have to, but I won't let that happen to you. We won't put you in a situation where you'll have to sacrifice your sanity again. I promise."

"I'd rather kill myself before I ever hurt you again. I never wanted to hurt you, but the part of me that cared about you was gone and I couldn't stop myself. And the things I said…"

"Put the past behind you Kevin, you just have to let it go."

Kevin didn't say anything and began rummaging through his CDs; he pulled one out and put it in. The song started up and Gwen had to wonder when Kevin had started liking Japanese music that was Ben's thing because he liked anime, but she didn't really see it as something he would like.

"What's this song?" she asked.

It's called Kuchizuke* by Buck-Tick, it's for an anime I started watching before I went crazy and it's called "Shiki*.I haven't finished it yet though."

"Is it something I'd like?" Gwen asked. She'd never heard of Shiki before, it probably wouldn't interest her.

Kevin looked a little nervous, "Probably not. We're here at your house."

"I don't think this is going to go over very well with my parents," Gwen said.

"We'll give it our best shot," Kevin looked at her, "I can't tell them I hurt you, I'm afraid they'll hate me."

"Be honest with them Kevin, they'll understand."

The hours had been agonizing for Kevin, explaining everything, telling them about what had happened with Agregor, his insanity; he didn't leave out one thing. The looks on Frank and Lilly's faces when he told them about what he'd done to Gwen made him wince. Frank had actually yelled and screamed at him, and had actually cussed him out with words he'd actually used himself when the others weren't around.

After Frank had calmed down, he'd been able to speak calmly and told him, "I'm proud of you for your honesty, Kevin; it took a lot of guts to tell me about what you did to Gwen. But if I ever find out you did something like this to her again, I'll be the one to kill you, and I won't care if I go to your Null Void or any jail for that matter."

"Daddy, don't say that!" Gwen protested.

"It's true Gwen, and you know you're going to pay for all the insurance claims on the house, Kevin."

"I understand sir," Kevin said. "It's getting late, I better go."

He got up and left the house, Gwen followed him outside.

"They took it rather well," Kevin said.

"I told you they would understand if you were honest with them."

"That's easier said than done you know."

"Kevin, I—"

Kevin kissed her soundly, letting his arms find their way around her waist. He smiled, it'd been so long since he'd been able to feel any human warmth, and he'd forgotten how much he'd missed it. He let his fingers run through her hair and felt happy for the first time in weeks. He would be happy to be human, and as long as she was with him, he always knew he'd be okay. He didn't need power anymore, he just needed her with him.

"Save the mushy crap, you don't need to say it." He turned and left.

"Typical," Gwen said, rolling her eyes as he walked towards his car.

"Hey Kevin, what does that song that you have in your car mean?"

"It's Japanese for "Kiss"," he replied.

"Figures you'd play something like that, but I didn't think you're the romantic type."

"I'm not; I just think the song sounds cool, that's all."

"See you tomorrow," she turned and went back inside.

Kevin turned and left her. He felt so relieved, the nightmare was finally over and he could go back to his old life. He would be more careful this time; he wasn't going to screw this up again. He loved Gwen, and he wanted to be there for her, he didn't want to hurt her and that was a promise he was going to keep as best he could.

He smiled as he still felt the sensation of her mouth on his and he knew that his dreams would be about her, and they would all be good ones too, and he knew that everything would go back to the way it was, and that they would be ready for just about anything.

He let his thoughts dwell on the events of the past few weeks. Was he really a monster after all? Was the dangerous sociopath inside him just waiting to take over? Would he be able to keep control or would some other situation force him to absorb energy and go insane again?

There were so many ways this situation could have turned out. He could be dead, or he could have killed Gwen and Ben. He was relieved to be alive of course, and he'd be grateful to them for that. He hoped his mother was okay, he'd have to explain what happened to him, he hoped she would understand.

He looked forward to tomorrow, after all, his personal Hell was finally gone and he was normal. He'd probably have to make sure that Ben wasn't still mad at him, but they'd all had a good time at Mr. Smoothies so Ben certainly didn't seem mad at him.

He sighed, now he'd have to go fix up his room after he'd wrecked it looking for a way to get back into the Null Void. And his car was wrecked again; it was not going to be a good week. He'd have to find something to cheer himself up with, and that's when he remembered, he still hadn't finished watching Shiki.

Now if only he could just finish that anime Shiki, he headed home, he had to see what happened to Natsuno Yuuki, yep, Shiki was the next thing on his list he needed to catch up on that, the only thing more fun than fighting aliens was watching creepy vampire anime, and that was going to be fun…

* Kuchizuke is "Kiss" in Japanese.
* Alexithymia – Difficulty describing feelings to other people, also the name of an awesome Anberlin song.
* Shiki – Corpse Demon, also name of an anime that gave the author a waking Nightmare. Megumi-chan, just, Megumi-chan. *Looks for nearest stake and crucifix*