A/N Hey, this idea just came, and if you want me to add to it, tell me so, and this will become a full-fledged story!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter OR the If You Were Gay song. Or anything else I might use, for that matter.
James and Sirius were always excited or happy about some prank, and today they were even more so. They had already covered the now stinking Great Hall with the wax of the floating candles. They were up all night putting the dung bombs into those things!
Now, they had to get Remus and Peter out of the library. First, they summoned loads of pink paint and sparkles, then, very carefully, the two snuck into the library...
Using a great deal of charms and Filibuster Fireworks, they managed to turn the entire library, books, librarian, and all, pink and sparkling.
As the extremely pink librarian charmed quills and such to pester them all the way out of the library, the two finally caught up with Moony. "What was that all about? Now she'll never let us back in!" He yelled, while Peter just stood there, gaping.
"Who do you mean, us?" James inquired. "Padfoot will NEVER find his latest girl there, and I for one will never feel the need to complete my essays in the library."
"You know very well that I mean I won't be able to go back in and fetch the essays we were attempting to check for the two of you, which, may I remind you, are due in approximately two hours!"
"Really?" Sirius asked. "You actually decided to help us out and check them? Thanks, Moony, you're a lifesaver."
"Well, your thanks are hardly worth it now! I can't get back in to get them before class!"
"Right..."
"Well, seeing as I, James the Genius, your absolutely amazing and devastatingly handsome bestest friend, that you are so lucky to have and you know you don't thank enough for befriending you all as an act of pity, therefore making you all date-able and much more likely to succeed at everything in life, have come up with something! Hey, are you all even listening?"
"Hmm?" Sirius asked, preoccupied. "OH, you're finished! Guys, he stopped talking." He said, prodding the others awake.
"Right, so sorry about that." Moony said. "What was it you were trying to tell us?"
"That I, James the Genius, your absolutely amazing and deva-"
"YES, WE KNOW!!!" Sirius shouted, exasperated. "What we WANTED to know was, what were you about to tell us you had come up with?"
"Right. Well, you, Padfoot, will go and flirt with some girl, then have her go in and retrieve the essays without making her suspicious. You may then go out with said girl, then dump her, as is usual for you."
"No. I don't want to flirt with some random helpless bimbo for no reason."
"But you always-"
"No. I. don't."
"But you do! Unless..."
"Unless what? Sirius asked, annoyed now.
"Unless you were gay!"
"Um, I'm NOT gay."
"But if you were!"
"I'M NOT GAY!!!"
"If you were gay, that'd be okay,"
"What did I just say?" Sirius murmured to Moony, just loud enough for him to hear over James' insane singing.
"If you were queer, I'd still be near! Because YOU are dear to meeeeeeee!!!"
"Queer, me?" Sirius scoffed. "Right, like that would happen."
"DENIAL!!!"
"About being queer?"
"No, that you're gay."
"I'm not gay, Prongs. Pigglypuffs." Padfoot said offhandedly as they reached the common room.
"Again, DENIAL!!!"
The other three rolled their eyes as the rest of the Gryffindors turned to look and see who was yelling.
"So you all agree with him? That means you must all be gay too!!! And I shared a ROOM with you three! DISGUSTING!!! You'd think you would at least tell me. And Sirius! You're my best mate! How could you?"
The rest of the Marauders were now taking this much more seriously. "Wait, you honestly think we're gay?" Moony asked.
"Yes, what's the other possible explanation? You two never have dates, and Padfoot over there's always changing girlfriends!"
"Exactly. If I'm always changing girlfriends, I'm OBVIOUSLY not gay! How could you have come that insane conclusion?"
"My point! You're OBVIOUSLY in denial! If you change girlfriends every two or three days, you never have to commit to one, but you're absolutely sure your straight. It's all just something you do so that you never have to question whether or not you are really straight!"
"Sure," Sirius said as he rolled his eyes. "Oh, did I forget to mention I'm a vampire that turns into a bat every night to suck the blood out of helpless students? Honestly, James. You've got to be kidding." Everybody in the common room turned back to what they were doing, realizing what was happening.
"Really, Sirius is right. If we're gay, then Lily will go out with you, James." Remus stated as if that closed the matter
"That just proves it! I know she'll go out with me eventually, so you have to be gay!"
"Okay, you can believe whatever blasted thing you want, but when you've returned to normal, come talk to us." Remus decided, turning around to leave the tower. "I, for one, and going for a walk. Sirius, care to join me?"
"Oh, I get it! You two are secretly going out, and don't want me to know. You guys are going to go do gay stuff together! Gross!!!" James shouted, and the entire common room snickered. Moony rolled his eyes and Padfoot glared.
"Oh, is that right, James?" Sirius quipped. "Well, if I'm gay, you must be bisexual! Why else would you spend all that time with guys and go out with girls?"
"What? That's just stupid! I'm not bisexual!" James yelled, even louder than a few moments before.
Now their audience was mortified. If the Marauder ringleaders were fighting, this place would become a danger zone for potentially life-threatening pranks, and, obviously, nobody wanted to be killed via James or Sirius on their way down to breakfast in the morning.
"Well then, I'm not gay!"
"Are too!!!"
Are not!!!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
"Well, if you won't admit it, I'm not talking to you. You're a git!" Sirius snapped, exasperated. The audience, now even larger than before, groaned.
Let the pranks begin...
A/N I really hoped you liked it and tell me if you want me to add another chapter. I'm already thinking about it! Well, you know the drill, review and tell me what you think!