Reaching the Unreachable
I know I have unfinished stories but this helped me fooling my writer's block. It's just a little one shot that takes place between the deaths of Bonnie and Melly. I have stolen the beginning; I'm not such a brilliant writer;-)
I'm not the lucky owner of GWTW…
"Dr. Meade, do you think he can-can have lost his mind?" she questioned afterwards, driven to the doctor by her own sense of helplessness.
"No," said the doctor, "but he's drinking like a fish and will kill himself if he keeps up. He loved the child, Scarlett, and I guess he drinks to forget her. Now, my advice to you, miss, is to give him another baby just as quickly as you can."
"Hah!" thought Scarlett bitterly, as she left his office. That was easier said than done. She would gladly have another child, several children, if they would take that look out of Rhett's eyes and fill up the aching spaces in her own heart. A boy who had Rhett's handsomeness and another little girl. But Rhett did not seem to want any other children. At least he never came to her bedroom, though now the door was never locked and usually invitingly ajar.
Just how did he think she would manage that, a child? Sighing deeply, she fought the tears back. Would it ever stops? Would she always be the one carrying the heavy burdens, the one to be expected to fix every wrongness in the world? No, it hadn't always been the case. Remembering a time long lost, it had been different; in those days Rhett would have shared the load with her. Helped her to fix things. Unfortunately, that time had only lasted for the briefest of moments. Before that precious time, she had carried the world on her shoulders and it had almost knocked her to the floor. Now, time had become a full circle and she was back to status quo. Carrying it all.
Status quo had left her in an unfamiliar territory; it was a frightening and lonely place. She didn't know how to handle this world. Scarlett O'Hara Butler, who had always been able to react and force things in the right directions, her directions, was clueless of which step to take, all of a sudden.
A child! Wasn't life ironic? She had born three children never wished for, and lost one wanted unborn baby and her beloved youngest daughter. And now she longed for a child she couldn't have. Ironic indeed! If it wasn't so hurtful she would laugh. Her wishes had been granted, only, now she didn't want them.
The one single tear she couldn't control slowly made its way down her cheek, the wetness penetrated her numbness, and fixing her eyes to her surroundings, she saw something to reddened her cheeks. Lost in her own world, her feet had carried her to the street where Belle's establishment was located. In fact, Scarlett was close enough, to smell the air of whiskey that clung to the man, who was just leaving the place.
Embarrassed she gathered her skirts to cross the street, no lady with respect for herself would be caught here of all places. With one last look at the person leaving the establishment of her husband's mistress', she froze. She would recognize him always! Narrowing her eyes she studied him, and what she saw made her heart utterly cold.
His shoulders were still broad, but its former grace was gone, now his waist was too heavy to make a contrast to the once impressive broadness of his upper body. Now, he looked just plump. The air of assurance had left him; this was only a shelter of the man she had married.
Briefly, she wondered if she too, was only a shelter of the woman she had once been. Before the thought could grow into reflection, she cried "Rhett!"
Pure fright moved her legs forward; Rhett who had always been able to hold his liquor, couldn't stand on his own two feet, let alone move them. Before the driver could act Scarlett was taking hold of her husband's arm.
Mother of God, he was heavy! Leaning all of his weight on her Scarlett almost fell to her knees. "Why, Mrs. Butler I didn't see you at Belle's" Rhett drawled, "but then again, I wasn't looking." Hurt froze her and his words crushed the last straw of hope she might have had, hope that he still had a tiny piece of care for her in this heart. No gentleman would address his wife this way.
Breathing in sharply she met his drunken, emotionless, dark eyes, there was no cruelty in them, she wasn't even sure he really knew who she was. All she could see in the darkness was the carelessness liquor indulged him in.
She was relieved when the cap driver helped her getting Rhett into the carriage, she could only hope no one had seen them. Without question the accident would hurt Rhett little, all the blame would be hers to shoulder, she thought bitterly. If they only knew how she wanted to help Rhett, knew how she had wanted to reach out to him, for what felt like ages, only she didn't know how. Since the fall he hadn't looked at her one time, his eyes always looked straight through her, seeing nothing. He had been unreachable since she had lost their baby.
Once seated Rhett leaned heavy against the wall farthest away from her, too drunk to carry his own body. Nevertheless it hurts, even in his drunkest, he withdraw himself completely from her. Like she was some part of his life he no longer wanted, and no longer pretended belonged with him. Positioning herself on the same side as Rhett she could only guess where his horse was.
Focusing her eyes on his bloated face Scarlett remembered her own harsh, unforgiving words following Bonnie' s death, if only she had the power to take them back, she wouldn't be so lonely now. Maybe then, he would have cared for her enough to share their loss with her.
"Oh Rhett!" she muttered under her breath. If she hadn't turned her face away to hide her tears, she would have seen him flinch and the embarrassments clearly written in his face, before he closed his eyes to forget.
She didn't call for Pork to help her with Rhett, this was her burden and she would carry it as she had all her burdens. Why she didn't know, but she couldn't bear to witness Pork helping Rhett to bed. She knew he had many nights but she couldn't watch. Rhett being helped to bed! No, the man she had married wasn't this helpless picture of a man. Pity or rejections wasn't in her heart, only deep sorrow.
She had to pause several times on their way up the stairs; she had lost too much weight to have her former strengths and was sweating heavily. She only prayed that the servants would stay away.
Outside his bedroom door she hesitated, Bonnie's bed was still in that room, nothing had been changed. Rhett had put up too much fight for anyone to dare disobeying him and take the things away. Slowly, she opened the door, he had made it clearly that her room held nothing for him, and she would respect that. Entering the room her eyes flew to the tiny bed besides Rhett's larger one; Bonnie's favourite dolls was still on the bed along with a blue nightgown.
Scarlett managed to lay a lifeless Rhett on his bed. Fighting with his shoes she decided to let him sleep in his untidy linen, she would just unbutton his shirt slightly. Forcefully his hand captured her wrist "don't touch me, Belle. Ever!"
With anger he pushed her away, fortunately she landed on her daughter's bed. Robbing her eyebrows with her fingers, she wept silently. She wept for her daughter, her husband and herself. She wasn't a sissy but this was too much. She could stand all her losses but this. This she didn't know how to deal with. She didn't understand what was happening, why the world was so wrong suddenly. Since loosing the baby she had felt this wrongness and it scared her.
Rhett had called her Belle! But he hadn't wanted Belle's touches more than he wanted hers. What a relief! But it made her wonder, what he was doing on those nights, he didn't return home.
In the large bed Rhett was tossing and mumbling words, which held no meaning to her, they were more sounds of pain than words. Holding her ears she tried to avoid the terrible noise he made. Breathing deeply she removed her hands, she, Scarlett O'Hara Butler was no sissy, she would face this and get through it. Knowing she couldn't leave him, afraid he would take ill, and knowing she couldn't stay in her late daughter's bed, Scarlett gently took the doll and made her way to the chair between the small and the larger bed.
Positioning herself for the hours to come, she studied the doll. It was a beautiful doll, in many ways it resample her most beloved daughter, with its dark hair and cornflower blue eyes and the fancy blue dress it wore. When Scarlett had seen the doll she just had to buy it, it had reminded her so much of Bonnie, and now it was all she had left of her daughter. Bonnie had loved the doll, almost as much as she had loved Mr. Butler, and it had pleased Scarlett, that she had given Bonnie something as dear as the gift from Rhett. Just this once Scarlett had been equal with Rhett, in the eyes of their daughter.
Turning her eyes to Rhett she felt like drowning again, she was fighting something she couldn't se, something more frightening than hunger, poverty and the loss of Ashley's love. Unanalytical she was trying to analyse and with no success, all she knew was that she loved Ashley, though she thought little of him these days. Nearly all her thoughts were centred on Rhett lately. But she would focus on Ashley, when she had the time, tomorrow, when Rhett was better, she would find the time.
The sleepless nights and heavy thoughts had taken their tolls on Scarlett and against her will sleep claimed her.
The first thing Scarlett felt was the pain in her neck and the stiffness of her back, confused she opened her eyes only to find the room completely dark, rarely, these days, she kept her room completely dark. When she remembered where she was she panicked; no sound came from Rhett's bed. Why had she fallen asleep? Bolting up she kneeled besides his bed, with a cold, unsteady hand she touched his forehead. It was still warm. Stroking his hair gently her other hand landed just above his heart. Thanks God! He was still breathing.
"Oh Rhett, I'm so sorry!" She whispered, "I don't hold you guilty for her death and never did. I wanted to apologize but couldn't find the courage. I'm sorry." The words were spoken so softly that they were almost nonexistent. The impossible apology had become possible, but only because he couldn't hear her. Placing a soft kiss on his forehead she only hope, that he in his own time would forgive her.
Knowing he was soundly asleep she left him. When the door closed behind her the dark eyes opened, breathing in sharply the tears started to flow. His body trembled violently from suppressing the sobs; the tears that had been impossible to shed were now unstoppable.
Safe in her own room Scarlett paced the floor, what was she to do? She was sharing a house with a disintegrating stranger, why had he married her? Had he once cared about her? She doubted that. But she would welcome his cruel words and mocking, instead of the silence, he now held against her. But at least now, she needn't wonder about his true feelings for her, she knew them.
Looking down at her hands she realized she was still carrying the doll, frowning she pictured Rhett's tantrum if the doll was gone, when he woke up. He would kill her! Quickly she grabbed a candle in her other hand before she bolted for the door, suddenly in a haste. Not bothering to understand, why it was important Rhett was protected from pain, she acted.
She was meet by disturbing sobs of crying when she entering the room. Was Rhett crying? Yes indeed. The strong man that never wept, cried his heart out under a pillow. Again she felt the wrongness but at least crying was a visible thing, a thing she could meet face to face. And Scarlett O'Hara Butler was no coward.
"Rhett?" she cried
The form in the bed didn't turn nor did he stop crying.
Without thoughts Scarlett came closer to the bed, Rhett might be ill and needed help. Should she call for pork? No! She would handle this on her own and keep it in the family.
Oh, it would have been good to have someone to lean one, someone who could tell her what to do when loosing a child. Someone like Maybelle; who had lost a baby herself.
But as always Scarlett had only herself to lean on, once again kneeling beside the bed, she placed the candle on the floor, away from her. Softly she called "Rhett" while placing her hand gently on the upper of his back.
Immediately she felt his body turn rigid in rejection, he didn't want her. Withdrawing her hand like she had been burnt, she was about to get up, when her eyes fell on the doll on the floor. Paling she picked it up; "I'm sorry Rhett. I shouldn't have taken her away from you"
"It was I who took her away from you Scarlett!"
What was he talking about? The doll was here with her. Had he lost his mind despite what Dr. Meade said?
"For the love of God what do you mean Rhett?"
"I had no right to take her away from you as I did. She wanted you and I couldn't understand why." His body was now still, but still turned away from her.
Oh, he was talking about Bonnie and not the doll, Scarlett thought. "But that's in the past Rhett!" Softly she patted his hair, eager that he finally was talking to her.
"If it wasn't for me you would have had more time with her before…" his voice failed to say the words.
"Oh" she was a loss for words. "I did miss her, I know you don't think so but I loved her, Rhett. She was my favourite!"
"My opinion matters little Mrs. Butler" he didn't hide the bitterness from his voice.
For a time they were quiet. Until Scarlett found the courage, "Rhett?" she said tensely.
Sighing heavily he turned slightly, feverish she found his hand and played with his long fingers, "I don't blame you for Bonnie's death I never did. Please believe me"
"But I do Scarlett. And I have to live with that!"
"But it wasn't your fault, I was as proud of her as you, I was proud of her fearlessness. Don't feel guilty!" The words came at a fast speed, before she would loose the courage to utter them or he would send her away.
"It's nice of you to say Mrs. Butler but I'm responsible for the deaths of two of your children. And it hunts me in my sleep and in my awaken hours."
"God's nightgown Rhett! It wasn't you fault any of it. I don't hold you guilty of any of the accidents. I was just so hurting at the time Rhett." Now she was crying, "I'm so sorry" she whispered.
Rhett was sitting up now, staring at the wedding band on her small hand he whispered,
"You don't blame me Scarlett?"
"I don't!" she reassured, "look at me Rhett". Hesitantly he lifted his eyes and looked into hers. His eyes were still black but not blank, like they had been for so long. Instead they held so deep a sorrow that her heart broke, and a glimmer of something she couldn't recognize.
"I don't believe you are guilty for Bonnie's accident or my fall."
He buried his head in her hair, holding her so tight that it was difficult to breath, but she would tolerate it. "Thank you Scarlett" he mumbled into her hair.
The End