She could hear Pepper and Tabby playing in the nursery down the hall, Tabby's squeals of joy and laughter - the ones that usually brought such joy to Maria – stabbed her through the heart and made her body ache even more than it did already. Maria lay curled up on the couch, her eyes squeezed closed to block out the light that made the thumping of her head even louder. She could not sleep; her body was too tense to relax into the unconsciousness that she craved. She just wanted a rest from all this.
She just wanted Steve to come home already.
Soft footfalls of small sock-clad feet made their way across the floor of their apartment, hesitating a few feet away from the sofa Maria was resting on. She cracked open a single eye to find her 5-year-old daughter staring at her guiltily, a cup of water cradled carefully in her hands. Her face lit up when she noticed her mother had woken up and she took a step towards her before halting, looking back at Pepper to question if she was allowed to bother her hurting mother. With a nod from Pepper, she gently placed the half-filled cup of water on the table by Maria's head with a great deal of concentration to not spill it and stepped away again.
"Mommy?" After a small nod of encouragement from Maria, she continued, "I know you're feeling all yucky, Auntie Peppy said you should drink lots of water to keep hydrated."
Her five-year-old pronunciation of 'hydrated' is way off, but Maria still tries to look encouraging despite her wish to go to sleep, and the pain flickering in her abdomen. She reaches out towards her daughter, tucking a stray curl behind her ear before the girl gently hugs her. Tabby knew her mommy wasn't feeling good and that she had to be quiet to help her get better so Aunty Peppy had come to play, but she didn't understand why.
Steve and Maria had been planning on telling Tabby their good news when Steve got back from his current mission in a few days time and Maria was glad they had held off from telling her, it had prevented their little girl from sharing the pain Maria herself was currently feeling. It was better that the little girl was spared from the horrors of the real world as much as possible, Maria knew that with parents such as themselves it would be impossible to guard her forever. With a final kiss on the forehead from Maria, Tabby and Pepper went back to whatever game they were playing. As they walked away hand in hand, Maria heard Tabby's impatient voice enquire,
"When will Daddy be back?"
The question was met with a sigh from Pepper, who lectured teasingly.
"Soon, little miss Tabitha, as I've told you every ten minutes for the past week!"
Steve would be back soon, sometime today in fact. His mission was supposed to last another few days but after the quiet phone call she had heard Natasha give him at the hospital, he had dropped it immediately and was due back at any time. Maria was only hanging on until he came home; she was anxious in her need to see him, to be held by him. To apologise.
They hadn't planned on getting pregnant; she had been told that, after the complications she had with Tabby, combined with the various injuries she had succumbed in the field, it was most unlikely that she'd be able to have anymore children. She had been disappointed at the time, mostly for Steve who would never have a child that was his (at least with her, said the nagging whisper in her head), but she had Tabby and she was happy – it wasn't anything she had particularly missed. But when she had started showing signs of another pregnancy, she had been terrified. Steve had been delighted of course, but measured in his joy because of her. He had wanted to tell everyone right away, it was just as well that she had vetoed that – it's easier not to have to explain their loss. Images of his devastated face finding out she had lost the baby whizzed round her head in an agonising and anxious circle.
The worst thing was that Steve wasn't at home when it happened, when she woke in a pool of blood. Her first reaction had been to scream, but the thought of Tabby - precious, inquisitive little Tabby - woken by her mother's scream, only to find her bed covered in blood quietened the scream before it erupted from her throat. Instead she had leaned over to where her phone lay on the bedside table, pain ripping through her abdomen at just the small movement. The light of her phone blurred her vision, but she had managed to find Pepper's contact and press call, the dial tone ringing for a few excruciating moments before Pepper's groggy but worried tones filled Maria's ear.
"Maria, what's wrong?" She had heard shuffling in the background, someone, Tony, muttering on the background as Pepper insisted, "why are you calling?"
"Um," her voice had been wobbly and she knew that she would not be able to stop to the tears, "I need you to call an ambulance."
"An ambulance? Maria, what's wrong, is it Tabby? Is she alright?" Pepper's voice had been clearer in her worry, she had panicked in a very un-Pepper like way that had been no comfort to a scared Maria.
"Tabby's fine, she's fine. The ambulance is for me." She had managed to sob out. Pepper made some comforting sounds into the phone and Maria had taken some deep breaths to calm herself. "I've had a miscarriage."
"Alright, alright," Pepper had soothed motheringly, "Tony's called an ambulance, they're on their way to you right now. Do you want me to come over to look after Tabby while they're making sure you're okay?"
Maria felt ashamed that she had forgotten about Tabby, that she hadn't thought about her daughter being left alone. "Pepper, thank you."
"I'll be there as soon as I can, do you want me to talk to you while I'm on my way?"
"Please."
Maria could hardly remember the conversation they'd had, or Pepper arriving with the ambulance crew in tow. She could vaguely remember them lifting her onto a stretcher, asking her questions about how far along she was and her blood type. The only thing she could remember clearly was Tabby, her pale face peeking out from the crack of her doorway, her eyes filled with unshed tears that threatened to fall.
The slam of the apartment door snapped her out of her memories, Steve's hurried footsteps strode across the apartment as he came to kneel in front of her. He caressed her hair, his powerful hands so gentle with her. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead as she gave him a small smile.
"Hey, how are you doing?"
She gave him a shrug, unsure of how to describe her feelings to even him. She could not help the tears that welled up in her eyes, Maria almost laughed at the number of time she had cried in the last few days for someone who had the nickname 'Hard-ass Hill'. He brushed the tears away, his own face reflecting the pain of her own.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
"It's alright, you are allowed to cry sometimes, Maria," he jokes, trying to get a smile out of her despite the situation.
"I'm no sorry about the crying," she defended, "I'm sorry about me."
"I don't understand," Steve looked confused, his eyebrows furrowing at her words. "Sorry about you? What have you got to be sorry about?"
"The baby, I'm sorry about losing your baby."
Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, his own now building. He shook his head in disbelief.
"Maria, none of this is your fault. And it was our baby. Ours."
She shook her head, squeezing her eyes tight against the stinging tears.
"You haven't realised it yet, but you're going to be upset with me when you do."
He shook his head again in disbelief, "Realised what?"
"That I can never give you children, that you have no chance of ever having a child of your own with me."
A weight was lifted off her chest at the confession, though it was still heavy with dread. In her mind, she had essentially just given him permission to leave; Maria couldn't even imagine what it would do to her, to Tabby, but she also couldn't bear the thought of keeping Steve trapped out of his insatiable sense of duty.
"Maria, I don't need to have children, and I certainly don't want to give us up for the possibility. And anyway, we have Tabby, she's as much my daughter as I could ever have." He said with a sincerity that still scared her after all their time together. "You got that?"
She nodded, but couldn't bring herself to say anything. Steve leaned forward to place another kiss on her forehead, his lips making their way down to hers in a gentle kiss as he brushed his hand gently through her tangled hair.
"I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too, Steve."
Their quiet moment was interrupted by the patter of tiny footsteps and the faint sound of Pepper shouting Tabby's name in warning.
"Daddy!"
The little ball of energy barrelled towards her adopted father; she had learnt long ago that Steve could take a bit of a beating and had never held back with her excitement. She immediately attached herself to his legs with a squeal before he could turn to catch her like he usually did, her grip tight with her joy.
"Daddy! You're home!" She cried.
"I am! I came home early just to see you and Mommy," he said.
"That's very good, cause Mommy has been sad." She said with a frown that broke Maria's heart. Tabby giggled as Steve lifted her into his arms as if she weighed nothing and tickled her stomach. The two of them laughing together brought a smile to her face that she had missed while he had been gone.
"Well, Daddy is home now Tabby, I won't be as sad anymore," she said with a small smile in Steve's direction.
Tabby grinned at this news, looking between her parents with an infectious joy. Their family was complete once more and Maria felt that maybe everything was going to be alright.