TITLE: Dudley Dursley and the Game of Sburb
AUTHOR: Halla Theguil T. Pleasures
FANDOMS: Harry Potter, Homestuck
CHARACTERS: Dudley Dursley, Piers Polkiss, Vernon Dursley, Malcolm, Arabella Figg
PAIRINGS: None
RATING: T for implied serious injury and potential future action violence with injury.
GENRE: Crack Crossover, Alternate Universe fic (since the ramifications of Sburb obviously didn't happen to wizarding Britain in the 1990s)
DISCLAIMER: I am the modern model of a proper fanfic writer,
All the Potter stuff is Rowling's, I have no intent to fight her.
And Homestuck is Andrew Hussie's (A.K.A. the Huss of Lips),
And to each of them belong all of: their writing, art, sound clips.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Don't be fooled by "END OF ACT 1". I have no intention of continuing this story. I might, if I find inspiration for Act(s) 2+, and especially if anyone cares to read more, but for now I expect this to be a one-shot. This is non-interactive, like most of Homestuck, unlike every other MSPaint Adventure. 2,171 words
A young man sits in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 25th of December, is a gift-giving holiday in the culture of this young man. It is only fitting, then, that today this young man will be given a name! What will the name of this young man be?
Periwinkle Knickers
A red X appears next to the name; Try again.
Dudley Dursley
A green check mark appears next to the name entry field and the boy smiles.
What, really?
Really.
Look around room.
Your name is DUDLEY. As has previously been mentioned, it is Christmas, and TORN WRAPPING PAPER lies scattered across the floor around you. Your room room is quite large and filled with TOYS, GAMES, two TELEVISIONS, and other expensive knicknacks. You feel that a SECOND ROOM would be required to house many of these things, some of which are covered with a thick layer of DUST, and that it is your God-given right to have two bedrooms. In your RIGHT HAND, at the end of your RIGHT ARM, is a copy of the SBURB CLIENT DISC. In your LEFT HAND, at the end of your LEFT ARM, is a copy of the SBURB SERVER DISC. Your ARMS are attached to your SHOULDERS. On the desk in front of you is a LAPTOP COMPUTER, with a MOUSE and an EXTERNAL CD DRIVE, as well as a TELEPHONE and a MODEM with separate LINE EXTENSIONS.
What, now "the young man" is "you"? Examine the computer, and stop switching perspectives. It's giving me a headache. Just go to third-person past tense and stay there. While you're at it, cease the excessive capitalization.
The computer was set up to play the best new games and programs available; he would probably need it, since Sburb was even newer and more difficult to import than the Playstation he had received for a birthday three years before. Even still, Dudley had ordered the members of his gang to get the game so they could play it together. Only two had succeeded: His best mate Piers and his third-best (now second-best) lackey Malcolm. Dennis (now Dudley's least favorite best friend) couldn't afford the game and couldn't convince his parents to bother importing it for Christmas- something about "already bought the presents" and "kidney surgery costs money", what rubbish. Gordon couldn't have played anyway, as he was on vacation in Scotland visiting his family. "Who wants to spend their Christmas in Scotland?" wondered Dudley.
Examine the game.
Which game would you like to examine: SBURB, Conway's The Game of Life, or The Game?
%#$... Sburb, of course.
It was a fairly plain game on the outside, one of those games that comes in paper packets inside a cardboard sleeve. Dudley suspected he would get bored of it before the evening Christmas Dinner started, but he still sat down to play it as soon as the Christmas luncheon was finished. It took some frustrated effort to connect the external disc drive and insert the server disc, but he managed to activate the game without breaking anything from rage or incompetence. Dudley's phone rang.
Answer Phone
Dudley picked up the phone. It was Piers Polkiss.
[Show Vocallog]
PP: I'm glad you finally answered! Have you been sleeping all morning?
DD: No, I had lunch, too. You didn't start without me, did you?
PP:...We did. Well, Malcolm did. I knew you wanted to be the first controlling player, so I went ahead and set it up so he could go into the game and I control his house, so next it will be your turn to control my house, then you can run around in the game.
DD: You should have waited for me! And I don't want to be the server, that's a stupid thing to be! I only liked it because GameBro called it the controlling player!
PP: Sorry, but we can't start over. The game works in a really weird way. You're actually IN it. The controlling player takes over the real-life house of-
DD: Stop talking so we can start playing!
Link to Piers' SBURB game.
The Polkiss house appeared on the computer's screen, focusing on Piers in his room in a 3/4 cutaway view. A white object was floating beside Piers, comprised of a circle, the image of a cooked turkey, and the image of a puppy's face with a gift bow on its head.
Continue Phone Conversation
[View Vocallog]
DD: The graphics on this game ae as good as real life! It's amazing!
PP: That's because it IS real- *sigh* Never mind. I just sent you a list of items that we can afford now that Malcolm and I have killed enough imps for Grist. You'll want to open the Phernalia Registry and put one of each of these items in my bedroom, or the yard by my window, then drop the bronze planter on the Cruxtruder from as high as you can. Make sure there's enough space for me to walk between each machine.
DD: I know how to do it! Don't lecture me!
DD: ...
DD:...
DD: What's the Furnalia Registry and how do I move things?
PP: It's the thing at the top with a Captchalogue card- a white rectangle outlined in red. And a small green cube. Just use the cursor to move things.
DD: My father's calling me. I'll do that in a minute.
Hang up, answer Father.
The door opens to reveal Vernon Dursley, also known as Father, Uncle Vernon, and Dursley you great prune.
[VERBAL STRIFE!]
Vernon: Guardian Rubric: Familial Pandering! Request To pick Up Aunt Marge from Train Station!
Dudley: Abjure: Refuse to accompany Vernon!
Vernon: Guardian Rubric: Familial Guilt!
Dudley: Anger: Raise voice, flail arms!
Vernon: Guardian Rubric: Desperate Placation! 1 gift promise, 2 gift promises, 1 gift promise! 4 Combo!
Dudley: Act Out: Fall on floor, screaming and flailing!
Vernon: Abscond!
Vernon left to pick up Aunt Marge from the train station, as it had been hit by a tiny meteor and the taxicab service was discontinued.
Check Sburb item list
The list included an Alchemiter, a Cruxtruder, a Totem Lathe, and a pre-punched card.
Deploy Items
Dudley opened the Phernalia Registry and easily deployed the machines and card. The machines went into Piers' yard (Dudley took a perverse joy in planting the Cruxtruder on as much of Mrs. Polkiss' garden as he could) and the card was dropped next to Piers, who picked it up and caused it to disappear into what must have been his Sylladex. From what Dudley had seen of the card, it appeared to have the image of some sort of forest-green, monochromatic fruit on it. Someone who had more botanical and dietary knowledge than Dudley may have recognized it as an oddly-coloured pomegranate, but the closest analogue available to Dudley's memory was the chocolate orange he had received in the toe of his stocking that morning.
Deploy the bronze planter. Deploy it HARD.
Dudley dropped the planter on top of the Cruxtruder, which opened and lit up a short sequence of rapidly-decreasing numbers. For good measure, he also dropped the planter on top of the Polkiss family's garden shed. The roof collapsed and the planter disappeared from view, cutting off Dudley's means of crushing other things with the planter. Meanwhile, Piers had done something involving the green cylinder that had popped out of the cruxtruder, putting it in the lathe along with the card and apparently carving it into something resembling a filled-in vase or urn. He placed the dowel on part of the alchemiter, and a green shrub appeared, dropped a green pomegranate onto the cruxtruder platform, and disappeared. With seconds on the clock, Piers picked up the pomegranate and smashed it on the cruxtruder platform, and was obscured from view by the bright light that suddenly filled the screen. Seconds later, Dudley heard two loud noises from outside the window, one a close, sharp cracking sound and the other a loud, faraway boom. An elderly woman in the street or front yard began screaming.
Look out window.
The old woman who took care of Potter any time the Dursleys did something fun was standing near a large, shattered area of the sidewalk, screaming, her face expressing horror but not pain.
Close window.
What are you, some kind of pacifist? Dudley reached to his desk and grabbed the closest thing at hand, then flung it out the window at the old woman. "Stop screaming, you old bag! I'm playing a game!" She looked up at the Dursley house and then past it into the sky, gasped, and disappeared. Dudley, confused, decided to slam the window shut rather than give it any thought. At least flinging the object at her had made him feel better. Defenestration always made Dudley feel less frustrated with irritances, though he had to admit that he missed his television, his Playstation, and his cassette player (at least until they had been replaced).
Call Piers
[View Vocallog]
DD: You said you and Malcolm got to kill imps. I want to do that now!
PP: You can do that in a minute, but first, it's really important that you connect to Malcolm , get the machines, and break your artifact so you can go into the game.
DD: I thought I was already in the game.
PP: No, IN the game. How many times do I have to try to explain this to you! This is real, and this is dangerous, and this can't be stopped now that it's started. My timer was a lot shorter than Malcolm's, so I think you don't have much time. I think my Sprite is trying to say the same thing.
DD: You're boring me! I don't want to do all this story stuff, that's what you're for! I just want to kill imps and control people and win the game!
PP: You really are an idiot! Your life is on the line, and you're still acting like bullying everyone can let you have your way! I can't believe I let you control me for so long, you... You complete prat! You imbecile! I should have listened to your smart-mouthed cousin all the times he said me and the boys should leave you!
Throw phone out through window.
The window cracked, and the phone fell to the floor.
Open window, THEN throw phone out through window.
Dudley opened the window and flung the phone into the yard, the cord tearing free of the wall late enough that the phone was pulled against the outside wall and tumbled straight to the ground below.
Install Client Disc
Dudley looked at his desk, and then under it. The sleeve for the server disc was on his desk, and the box for the game was on the floor where he left it, but the sleeve with the client disc in it was missing.
Be Piers
Piers dialed Dudley's number again. He didn't know how he had gotten a phone connection from this strange place, but the power was still running and the phone still had a dial tone. Before the phone on the other end of the line could ring, an automated voice told him that the number he was trying to reach was not connected.
Call Malcolm
[Show Vocallog]
MT: Piers?
PP: Yeah. Malcolm, has Dudley tried to connect to your server?
MT: No, I'm getting kind of worried. What did he tell you about it? Are you in yet?
PP: I'm in, but... It looks like we'll be going this alone.
END OF ACT 1