A/N: Apparently, my muse still hasn't gotten enough of post-eps/one-shots for the two-part finale that still has me upset and is airing again...and I, being the so called sucker for punishment that I am, happen to be intending to watch it, despite the fact that I know it will annoy me to no end...and probably isn't a good idea because I've got a big test tomorrow, so...anyways, yeah. CI isn't mine, and I'm leaving now.
I hadn't been up here in a while. In fact, it had been five years since I'd last found myself standing in the same spot where I was now. I remembered all too clearly what had driven me up here, too: the pressures of being a captain hadn't hit me until I'd first come into the Major Case Squad. I found myself on the eleventh floor of One Police Plaza, and by the time the day was over, I was debating as to whether or not I should ask for a transfer to someone else. I hadn't thought that I could handle it; the high profile cases, a new set of detectives, and the brass being only a few floors away…not to mention the whole of the Internal Affairs Division.
But I could, as I'd found after a few weeks. Things had settled down and had gotten to where I wanted them to be; the awkwardness of the first day was gone, and in its place was something that I'd started to think I wouldn't find anywhere else. And I'd been right. We'd worked with other squads over the course of these five years, and never once had I felt working with them what I felt working with my own lot. In fact, it was something that I hadn't felt since my own days as a detective. I knew without knowing that it was something I'd been looking for since then; I'd found it, and didn't want to let it go.
Things changed a lot, however, within five years. One might have assumed that through all my years serving on the department, I'd seen everything there was to see. But they'd have been wrong. I hadn't seen everything, and I knew it. And one of the things I had never seen, I was seeing now. I'd abandoned the old thin blue line theories at the beginning of last year's summer, refusing to lie for someone I'd known for years, unwilling at first to believe that he was capable of what my detectives had said he was, but now I was finally seeing him for who he really was, and it hurt.
I'd once been told that my problem was that I was only really ever willing to see the good side in people, and I was starting to think that it was true. I wondered for a moment as I stood there, staring out into the city before me whether or not it was the reason behind my so-called downfall. Had I really had myself up there on a pedestal, thinking that I was better than everyone else I knew because of where I was? I could only sincerely hope not. But even so, Frank Adair's question lingered in my mind. Did I think I was worth it? Honestly, to myself, I didn't. But I could not speak for my detectives, nor anyone else that I knew, and as selfish as it felt, I found myself hoping that I was worth it to them.
It was cold for May, which was odd. Usually the early summer days in the city were already starting to get hot; spring was melting away, and a new season was beginning, in more than one sense of the word. The streetlights cast shadows on everything around and below them, and I watched, almost fascinated with them, wanting to think about anything other than the situation before me. I'd informed two of mine that day that my resignation was in, but it had taken until now for me to realize it myself. I had two weeks left, and then it was all over. And all the department had could do was tell me to make it look normal.
Normal. Yeah, right. If I'd have the nerve, I'd have laughed in their faces. This wasn't normal, and they knew it. So did I. So did my squad. As I stood there, ignoring the wind that made it colder than it actually was, I found myself silently praying that they'd just let it go as I'd asked them to. It wasn't worth them losing their jobs as well. I hoped that whoever the department shoved on them would learn to work with them instead of holding them back, and I hoped that they would find it in themselves to accept whoever took my place. Hard as it was to say this to them, it had been even harder to convince myself to do so. It was ridiculous, and I knew it; I'd never put so much into a squad before, but they were different, and I knew that as well.
Footsteps broke into my thoughts as I stood there, still staring out at the city. I turned, to find the four I had just been thinking of standing there, watching me, almost uncertainly, as if they weren't sure they would be permitted to come and join me. I felt myself smiling in spite of all of this, and upon seeing this, they came to stand with me; Goren and Eames on one side, and Logan and Barek on the other.
We stood there for what seemed like forever, none of us daring to break the silence that had fallen, as if it would somehow ruin everything, though I had the feeling that we were all thinking that things had already been ruined by a simple claim. Even so, it hardly made a difference. There was no turning back.
So we remained where we were, the five of us, for what we all knew would be one of our last moments together, taking one last chance to look at the view from our precinct rooftop.