Musings of a Mother

Deryn Sharp was ill. This was nothing new, everyone was ill sometime in their lives, but Deryn had never quite been this ill. It was strange, she seemed to be constantly vomiting in the mornings and she seemed to be eating far more than usual;. It garnered some strange looks from Alek, who ate very little at breakfast, but remained unremarked upon.

Never in her 10 years as Captain-Lieutenant Deryn Sharp of the Belphegor had she seen symptoms like this before. She wondered briefly whether it was something womanly, but she doubted it. Her mother and Dr Barlow didn't really seem to have this kind of disease. At least, they didn't seem to show it.

Deryn frowned as she rubbed her arm; she had spent a lot of her life acting a boy, but surely, now that the whole world knew that she was a women, if this kind of thing was normal, someone would tell her?

The whole world knowing that she was a woman was still slightly new to her. She had revealed herself as a woman in 1923, so that she and Alek could get married. The world had been shocked, especially since her involvement in the war was so large and that she had earned the title of Captain-Lieutenant and been given a war medal for bravery by the First Lord of Admiralty himself.

Being a woman had removed some of her privileges. Thanks to providence (or a forceful woman she liked to call Nora Darwin Barlow), Deryn had not been stripped of her title but had been banned from rising any higher. She had also retained her medal but had been urged to resign and take a quieter role as a boffin in the Royal Darwinist Society again.

She and Alek had tried it, being Darwinist fabrications experts for a few months but Deryn had been unable to stick to the monotony of it and the fact that it was all so dull. Deryn had interest in the threads of life, she was positively fascinated with them, not in the least for saving her lives on several occasions, but she found that she lacked the ingenuity to make really useful fabrications. Hers were novelties, nothing more. And she had always suited being a soldier.

Jaspert had pulled some strings and she had managed to reapply to the army and had done much and seen so much of the world. Alek had managed to stay with the Darwinist Society however, and his fabrications were brilliant, despite his love of tinkering with Clanker machinery.

Volger had taken to politics and one summer, the two Austrians had gone to Switzerland with the significantly smaller airship, Saludos and reclaimed the castle and the several gold bars that were strategically scattered around the Swiss glacier.

That had gone a significant way to restore some of Alek's lost wealth. With it, the two had bought a townhouse in London. It was relatively large, but they often rented it out to others, as the two lovers were often at opposite ends of the world, following their dreams.

Now of course, Deryn was handing in her proverbial sock. She sighed. It had been the hardest decision she had made, but she was quitting the army again. She was getting older, and Alek had talked of plans of breeding an airship from scratch with all sorts of species to make it better than ever, larger and maybe even suited for commercial use as well. Of course, he had to go and make this plan even bigger by using Clanker machinery in it. It was ambitious, but Deryn knew, that with all of the tension between the two cultures at the moment, it would go a long way to restoring trust.

It was a good project to dedicate herself to. If only she could make her heart believe that.

As Deryn's stomach rumbled again, urging her to eat even more, Deryn snapped. She needed a meeting with Doctor Barlow about all of this. She grabbed her jacket and started looking for the Omnibus timetable.

(X)

As she walked into the Royal Zoological Society's main corridor, she was met with chaos. A fabricated bird was screeching very loudly and bumping in stacks of paper, which burst onto the floors, covering the carpet in blinding white. In the middle of it all, was Dr. Barlow's loris. It was happily babbling random words, like a a spooked message lizard and Deryn was rather confused by it all.

To her relief, Dr. Barlow quickly showed up on the scene. The loris was quiet as soon as Dr. Barlow arrived and the bird swooped and landed on her shoulder. Behind Dr Barlow was a positive army of cleaners, who looked annoyed by the amount of paper that seemed to cover the floor. They silently got to work and Dr Barlow turned to face Deryn with a look of surprise, which was quickly hidden by delight.

"Hello Deryn!" she said, as she waded her way through paper. "Come on, let's go to my office. This place is far too messy to have a proper chat."

Deryn followed obediently and they were soon in Dr Barlow's fabulous study. The chairs were as light as they were aboard the Leviathan and the whole room was decorated with nautilus shell and honey bee motifs.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" asked Dr. Barlow as she put on the kettle.

Deryn smiled. "You presented me with a job offer when we were in America. I took it then denied it again. I was wondering if there was still an opening."

Dr Barlow frowned and settled herself into a chair. She had aged well, her grey hair delicately tied into a bun, which was still covered by a bowler hat, this tikme in a shade of plum.

"That would be difficult, Deryn. You being a woman was a terrible shock to the country and of course, brought a great deal of scandal and a lot of government scrambling to cover up any faults. I once refused you the job because of the scandal it would cause, and it would appear that I may have to refuse you again. We have no positions as of yet. If Alek's idea could blossom, there would be a possibility of being able to hire you, but as it is, we have to spaces free. You being my assistant would look odd, what with your Army credentials, and as it is, I already have another."

Deryn sighed. This was rather frustrating. "I'm only 25, yet the Army wants to push me out of there for being a woman. No one is quite comfortable with the fact that the Captain of an airship is a woman, even though it has been revealed that several other women hid their identities; no one quite reached my rank. No one was as good as I am. So they want me out. And I have nowhere else to go."

Dr Barlow merely lifted her shoulders indicatively and the bird fabrication, from its perch near the ceiling, screeched mournfully. The kettle whistled and Dr Barlow quickly handed Deryn a cup of tea.

"You cannot say that you have nowhere else to go. You made good connections with a lot of people, you could consider being a diplomat." said Dr Barlow as she stirred her tea.

Deryn snorted. "Me? A diplomat. I might believe it if it were Alek you were suggesting this to, but me? I'd insult everyone in the fist 10 minutes."

Dr Barlow shook her head with a smirk. "Not true. You make friends easily and your demeanour puts people at ease. If you reined in your manners a little, I'm sure you would be great. In any case, you are undertaking a diplomatic mission in a few weeks, are you not?"

Deryn never failed to be amazed by Dr. Barlow's information network. No doubt, she had weeded it out of Alek. This mission was to the Ottoman Empire, to cement the links between the countries. There had been treaties between them to ensure peace, but now, a diplomatic party wanted to make an official alliance between the two countries. They had wanted someone who had good ties with the current government run by the Committee for Union and Progress and hers had been one of the more trustworthy names. She was to be there in the official signings of all of the documents and to smooth out any issues as she was trusted by both sides. No doubt, Dr Barlow counted this as being a diplomat in her eyes.

"Yes, but I'm not involved in anything of importance." protested Deryn.

Dr Barlow smirked again. "I'd say you were of importance. How else would the two parties trust each other enough? You vouching for both sides is a big deal, Deryn. The suffragettes are going ballistic over it. They see it as a huge step of progress; a woman being so key in governmental processes."

Deryn felt herself blushing awkwardly. She wasn't that important.

To her surprise, Dr Barlow put down the tea and looked Deryn in the eye. "There's something else, isn't there? You've been dreadfully preoccupied this whole time. You don't even seem to be interested in the chaos that was in the atrium. I know you, Deryn, you should have been curious about it, instead you docilely proceeded here with me, not a single question asked. What's the matter with you?"

Deryn let out a breath. "I'm feeling strangely ill Doctor. I've been throwing up near every morning, yet feel like I'm eating for two people. I've been having these queer aches everywhere that go away too quickly for me to be able to do anything about them in time. I don't know what's wrong with me, no one I know has been having these symptoms and my moods seem to change all the time! Is this part of being woman, because if it is, I'm not happy about it!" she finished, with a huff.

Dr Barlow was looking at her queerly. "Have you been carving certain things you've never wanted to eat before?" she asked, in a strangled voice.

Deryn looked downwards; now the Doctor mentioned it, yes, she had. The day before she'd wanted bananas with cream, of all things! And the week before, she'd been on the verge of asked for pickled mangos at the fancy restaurant Alek had taken her to for their wedding anniversary! "Yes..." she asked herself.

The Doctor merely smiled. "Have you put on any weight Deryn?"

Deryn moved back a little, now she felt self-conscious. Was it that noticeable? She put on a few pounds these last weeks, which made her wonder a little, but it had hardly surprised her. Everyone had said that she was far too skinny. "Yes!" she said, feeling affronted.

The Doctor merely smirked now. 'Have you and Alek had sex in the past month or so?"

Deryn was sure her whole skin was now the shade of a strawberry. She could feel her body weight slipping lower down into the chair. She wished the ground would swallow her up. "And how is that your business, Doctor?" she asked, trying to keep a little of her dignity about her.

The Doctor leant forward again. '"It's every bit my business, because it may be part of your feelings. Now have you or haven't you?"

Deryn was now sure that she was going to burn up into little ashes. "Yes," she whispered.

The Doctor nodded, pensively. 'When?" she asked, sharply.

Deryn murmured again, "Two months ago."

The Doctor's face burst into a wide smile. "Definitely. Deryn my dear, I think it's safe to say, you are pregnant!"

If her face had been like a strawberry a minute ago, it was the same colour as snow now. Pregnant? That wouldn't do at all. "No..." whispered Deryn.

The Doctor's smile faded. "Is that not good, Deryn? A child is something to be pleased about!"

"Most of the time..." agreed Deryn. "But not now. I have a mission! I can't be pregnant on the mission!"

The Doctor immediately straightened. "I have to say, it did slip my mind. Yes, that wouldn't be a good idea. Extra weight on an airship? I think not. Also, a pregnant ambassador, with mood swings would be...unpleasant."

"There is no way...to postpone it? Get rid of it?" asked Deryn, her voice hushed now. Alek would never forgive her if he heard this, but the country needed her, and he wouldn't need to know if she could get rid of it.

The Doctor frowned. 'There are methods. But they are not safe and often end up killing the mother. And in any case, the Church does not allow it."

Deryn felt annoyed. "What the Church doesn't know won't kill them. The lack of an alliance between the two countries could prove to be fatal."

Dr Barlow scowled. "I will not allow it Deryn! Death of the mother is 70% possibility! 70% is too much! If it were 50%...I might have allowed it, but I am not risking your life on a very thin thread. You must cancel this mission!"

Deryn growled. "I can't! I simply can't! It's all arranged in a month's time! Everyone's prepared! I can't just postpone the whole thing! I'm not that special!"

Dr Barlow looked similarly frustrated. "Deryn. You are not that important, as you have just said. There were several other people who were on good terms with the Committee. Send Alek. Send Count Volger. Send me, if you must! You cannot go yourself!"

Deryn scowled, she had prepared for this mission for days! She would go on this mission, it was her mission! She had been chosen out of all of the others! "Alek was not nearly so friendly with them, they barely trusted any the Austrians. And you are needed here Dr. Barlow, what of your fabrications? No, it must be I! Perhaps, the negotiations can be sped up a little. What difference, apart from weight does it make that I will be pregnant?"

Dr Barlow leant her chin in her hands. "Mood swings, my dear girl. If you cannot control your own emotions, how will you be able to control the whole rooms' emotions?"

Deryn rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Is that all, doctor? I've controlled my mood swings for several years now; I can do it for another five months."

When the doctor looked unconvinced, Deryn begged. "Please doctor, I have to go! I'll drive myself insane if I coop myself up in a house for five months without doing anything! I will break things and go up the barking bend! You have to help me! I cannot sit here doing nothing! I can't be a housewife, doctor! You understand that, what if you were forced to stay out of what you loved because you were pregnant? I bet that you didn't stop going to work until you were at least a month till pregnancy!"

Dr Barlow looked pensive. "You speak to me, Deryn. You are correct, I did not stop work at all. And if anything, this is a fancy puzzle to solve. Leave it with me, Deryn. You shall go to the ball!" she said, with a dainty laugh, that didn't sound like the laugh from a woman of 48.

So Deryn left the office, feeling vaguely confused and pensive as to how to proceed.

(X)

Deryn's instructions came in a letter a few days. That was why she was currently with Jaspert, attempting to bargain with him to make the Minotaur the transport vessel from England to Istanbul.

"No, Deryn," he said again, sounding rather like a parrot, "I have duties here! The Minotaur patrols the borders of Scotland, that's our premises! It's the Leviathan and other ships that gallivant off overseas!" Jasper took his duties as coxswain and navigator of the ship far too seriously.

"Please Jaspert! I need you to help me! This mission is important and I need someone on my side while I'm pregnant, Jaspert!"

He growled under his breath then brightened. "Does Alek even know yet?" he said, looking happy at the prospect of being able to blackmail her into going away.

Deryn smiled sweetly. 'No, not yet, but if you tell him before I do, I swear to god, I will tell our mother of the incident in July '13, where you stole her jewels to impress a young lady you entertained in town, eh?"

Jaspert's eyes widened dramatically. "Deryn...you wouldn't? My own little sister would rat me out to Mam?" Mam was the ultimate treat. Ma Sharp was still terrifying, even now. If anything, from Jaspert's previous accounts, her strength had increased. Deryn still hadn't seen her since she first joined the Air force.

Deryn nodded seriously, while smirking underneath. "Of course I would, Jaspert. I told you, this mission is important. You have to petition to get the Minotaur as the guiding beastie to the Ottoman Empire. For me, brother."

He pushed his hand over his face. "For you, and no one else, sister. But in return, you have to promise to tell Alek before we leave. Don't put Alek through what I went through with Miranda."

Personally, Deryn had found that incident funny. Jaspert's wife had kept the fact that she was pregnant secret from Jaspert, who had been flying continuously for about four months. So when he had returned, he'd been greeted by a baby, to which he promptly fainted and had to be taken to hospital for the bump on his head. When Alek and Deryn had heard that news, they'd laughed in hysterics for an hour straight.

But she promised Jaspert and left with a smile on her face. He didn't say how much time before they left she'd have to tell Alek before...

(X)

Alek threw his arms around Deryn, as she adjusted her naval jacket. She'd bought a new one that was tremendously large, and made sure that it would have enough fabric to let out of the hem when she started getting too large. The military had come to a compromise about the duration of stay. They would be there for four months, instead of the planned five and they would drop down over land in England just in time for her delivery date. But she still hadn't told Alek, and all of these measures were deadly secret, to him.

As they embraced, Deryn whispered in his ear, "I have something to tell you."

He looked up in surprise. Deryn (to his chagrin) was still taller than Alek. "What is it, Deryn?" he asked.

She bit her lip, this kidn of secret would be best to just say it directly. "Alek, I'm pregnant." She blurted out.

He blinked. "What?" he asked softly. "How long have you known?" he asked, looking excited.

"A month." She said, bluntly. He stopped in his tracks and threw her a disappointed look, which made her insides turn.

"A month?" he asked, his voice slightly distraught. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

She looked away. "Because I'm due a week after we land back home after the mission."

At this, he grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at his face. "Deryn! You can't go! You have to stay here! You just can't go! What if the landing is delayed? What...what if the baby comes early? On the ship itself?" he asked, looking upset. "What... what if I'm not there with you?"

Deryn would have replied that it wasn't that important that he be there, but he looked absolutely shattered. "It won't. I tell you, I won't." she stated flatly.

"But what if it does?" he answered, his voice as firm as steel.

"It won't." reiterated Deryn.

He scowled and turned away to go back inside, and Deryn felt her heart break a little, but looked surprised as he came back with a lot of towels and mini kettle heater. He shoved them into her hands. "You're taking those with you. I don't care if they add too much weight; you'll throw something else out if they need a ballast call. If...if the event should occur that a child will be born aboard the ship, you ought to be ready for it. Frankly, I don't know why Dr. Barlow didn't plan for something like this, but everyone forgets once in a while." He then flung his arms round her in another hug.

"DAMNIT, DERYN! Why the hell didn't you tell me?" he yelled into her back. She felt his tears on her shoulder. She shut her eyes. Then she heard a low, firm statement. "You'd bloody well stay safe Deryn. You bloody well stay safe."

"I'll stay safe Alek," she said, her voice choking a little. "Don't you worry about me."

He pulled away from her and looked her in the eye. "I worry about you every day." With that, he gently pushed her towards the waiting hippoesque drawn carriage.

(X)

Of course, Alek always had to be right about things didn't he? The diplomatic mission had gone perfectly; Dr Barlow's fear of mood swings ruining her diplomacy had been completely unfounded. Deryn had kept her temper through it all. The Committee had exclaimed over her swollen stomach and seemed to indulge her in everything, which was rather nice, but tiring after a while.

The boffins and the politicians had talked a lot and had ever so many feasts and tours but at the end of it all, with the final paper signed, the mission was done and they were to fly back to England.

Jaspert had smirked ever so much when she was finally too large to be able to swing off the ratlines, and Deryn swore to never be pregnant again, just so she would never have to see the cat-that-got-the-cream-smile again on Jaspert's face.

Of course, because Alek had to be right about everything, the baby was early. It was midmorning on January 24th when Deryn felt her water break. She was really rather calm about it all.

"Jaspert?" she'd asked, her voice only rising in pitch a little.

"Yes?" he asked her in return. They had been on the bridge at the time, studying their course.

"The baby's coming. Now." She'd said and ignored the look of shock on the Captain's face. "I need to get the my room. Will you aid me there?" she'd asked, those few weeks, she'd learned to abandon her pride to ease the aching in her legs.

He nodded. As they left, she hollered. "And will someone get the ship's doctor?"

The moment they'd gotten to her room, Deryn had lunged for the changing screen they'd given her and covered the door to the hallway, leaving Jaspert behind it. She then quickly changed into a long flowy dress that would cover her nudity and leave the baby free to come out. She thanked Alek heavily in that moment as she grabbed the extra towels and kettle from her luggage and along with Jaspert, they set her up to give birth. Along with the ship doctor's help and a lot of pain and impressive Navy swearing, a little baby girl was born.

She cried a lot when she was first born, but she was quickly silent afterwards. When Deryn held the little girl in her arms, it was the first time she'd felt anything but a sense of annoyance towards the little baby she'd incubated for 8 months. In fact, it was a sense of awe. She finally understood how Dr Barlow felt about all of her fabrications. There was nothing like the sense of knowing that she had created this creature herself. This living, breathing marvel was from Deryn's own blood and skin and living thread. And maybe now, Deryn felt a sense of sorrow for not sticking at the Royal Zoological Society.

Maybe she would have been able to create better fabrications if she'd truly felt this passion beforehand. Already, Deryn could see ideas for the combination of life-threads, hanging in the air. Her hands twitched to sketch them, as the little girl turned sleepily in Deryn's arms. She would have to ask Alek if he couldn't get her into a lab to try and create a fabrication.

But, as Deryn looked up at Jaspert and handed him her little baby girl, she didn't quite regret all the adventures she'd had. She couldn't deny how much she'd learned from her experiences. Maybe in another world, she'd stayed a zoologist and created beautifully useful fabrications after her daughter was born. But in this one she hadn't. No point in dwelling on it. She just had to move on.

(X)

When Alek had seen her when they landed a week later, he'd been instantly enchanted. Already, the little girl had tufts of small reddish brown hair, and Deryn could see Alek written all over her child's small nose and slightly jutting chin. It seemed the child didn't inherit any of Deryn's sharp angular features, which was a shame, especially, in Jaspert's eyes.

But when the child finally opened her own eyes two weeks later, they were a bright, shimmering blue, the same shade as Deryn's. And Deryn smiled at her lovely little daughter.

(X)

Names were tricky to decide. Alek had wanted to call her Sophie after his late mother. Deryn had mulled over calling her Nora, before deciding it was too stuffy. They had tried many names, both steadfastly refusing Adela. Finally, as Deryn sat with Alek late one night while feeding the girl, a face popped up in her head.

"Alek," she said suddenly, "I saw Lilit again!"

Alek rolled his eyes, he still was slightly bitter about Lilit and her personality. But politely, he asked, "How was she?"

Deryn tilted her head from side to side. "Ish. She's now Ottoman ambassador in the country to help other countries' dignitaries feel comfortable, but she still feels like she's been overlooked a little, because of her gender. She congratulated me on the pregnancy though. She said I deserved a happy life after all that had happened. And she saved my life again." Said Deryn, in a muse.

"WHAT!" said Alek loudly, waking up the little girl. Both Deryn and Alek froze. The girl merely yawned, turned in Deryn's arms and went back to sleep again. Both looked relieved before Alek's face twisted. "You didn't tell me you were in danger again! You said everything went fine!"

"It did go fine!" said Deryn, insistently. "Thanks to Lilit anyway. We were at some state party. I was bored out of my wits making small talk, so I retreated to the garden. I was strolling there when Lilit told me to beware. She said that the security people were uneasy about this whole thing, because the building wasn't properly secure. I told her that nothing would go wrong then there was a gunshot in the main hall, and one of the Minotaur middies went down. He was about my age and blonde. Obviously, no one had told the gunman that I was heavily pregnant. He obviously realised he'd shot the wrong person, because he came towards the garden. Everyone was panicking and running. I was assisting leading people out, I didn't realise he was looking for me until he came up to me. He looked innocent enough until he raised his gun from out of his pocket. Then Lilit, who was flanking the door, burst away from the door, pulled him backwards as she pulled the trigger, which redirected the shot towards the window instead of me. She then hit him upside the head with her shoe to knock him out and apprehended him."

Alek looked horrified. "How did you not tell me ANY of this!"

"I'm telling you now, aren't I?" retorted Deryn. "Anyway, nothing really happened after that. He was some Clanker supporter working alone, out of revenge and they jailed him. Also, baby? Kind of distracting?" she asked.

"Barking spiders," said Alek after a while. He seemed to have adopted that phrase of Deryn's. "We ought to name the baby after her. She saved her life, after all."

Deryn looked uneasy. "I don't know. Lilit isn't exactly a proper European name."

Alek shrugged. "Don't call her Lilit then. Call her a variant of it. Lilia, maybe?"

Deryn nodded. "Lilia, it is then." She gazed down at her little Lilia and stroked the baby's cheek. She was so small, so frail. Deryn wondered if she'd ever looked like this. Pressing a kiss to the little girl's forehead, Deryn placed her back in her cot and leaned on Alek's arm. It had been a long day, and all she needed to do now, was sleep.

AN: I loved this series of books, they gripped my imagination so much and I loved reading every second of it! I was slightly disappointed with the ending to Goliath, however. I loved Alek giving up his kingdom for Deryn, it just hit the right note, but I did wonder about Austria for a little while. But what I was most frustrated about was the fact that Deryn became a 'boffin'. She was a soldier, through and through, and it didn't sit well with me at all. Alek, sure, even if he was a Clanker, I could see him wanting to learn more about fabrications. But Deryn? Not really. Which is why Deryn is now still a soldier in mine, even thought I stuck to the canon ending (even the bonus chapter!)

There are also more chapters forthcoming, in a more drabble-y format and not necessarily in chronological order (I will say Lilia or Deryn's age every time, to make it clear, though). Review perhaps?