AN: Not the best thing in the world, but it's a one shot of Sam's POV at the climax of Devil's Trap with basis quotes used from the season. If it doesn't make sense why I used a certain quote...welcome to my world...read deeper.
Love it or hate it, it is what it is.
I do not own Supernatural, time, place, or character.
And I Stay
"The three of us- that's all we have- and it's all I have."
I couldn't do it. No matter how much or how hard Dad ordered me to- Dean's pain filled voice cut through me like a knife. His plea filled sob nearly sent me to my knees…and I couldn't do it.
There were only two people in Dean's life, two sure things that he could count on and I just couldn't take that away from him.
"Don't you say that! Not you! Not after all this, don't you say that."
The look on Dad's face as he dropped his head to the floor nearly broke me. He was disappointed in me…disappointed that I hadn't killed him. "Shoot me in the heart," he'd said. It stung, the way he looked at me, it felt like a needle slowly finding it's way into every vein…but if I had done it, had shot my father in the heart as he had wished, the pain and disappointment in my brother's eyes would have pierced me right through. I couldn't live with that. Somehow I could learn to live with my father's disappointment…
…but not Dean's.
"No, but it will hurt like hell."
I never thought I could shoot my own father. I guess I never thought I could shoot my brother either, but I did once.
I'd learned to live with that, and as I saw the look on my father's face as he lay there exhausted from the demon, yet still silently tearing into me… I think I might learn to live with this too.
Still, I never thought I could shoot my own father. I never thought I could watch a bullet from the gun I held enter his leg and see him fall, but then again I never thought I'd see him physically torturing my brother.
It wasn't him.
I kept telling myself that over and over.
It wasn't Dad…but what was his excuse now? Dean and I had watched the demon leave him, and now….
"Sam called you when I was dying."
Dean lay not even 6 feet from him in a pool of his own blood gasping onto each breath and trying in vain to keep the pain at bay and our father was disappointed.
No remorse show on his face, no worry or care about his son's well being. Only a disapproving glare to say this son wasn't man enough...wasn't strong enough to kill his own father. What excuse could any man have for that?
Demon or no demon.
I had shot my brother once…but that wasn't me just like this wasn't dad.
What was my excuse?
I learned to live with that and now I know I would learn to live with this too.
"You boys are beat to hell."
Dean's head fell back with relief and pain all rolled into one gasp.
-Oh God.-
"Dean?"
I knelt by his side afraid to touch any part of him. There was so much blood. I'd seen Dean dying once before. There was no blood then…and not so much pain.
Dean wouldn't look at me.
"Christ, Dean."
I couldn't do this alone.
There was a time when Dad had cared. When he had shown some kind of sorrow for the life he'd dragged us into.
"No, Sir. Not everything."
"Dean? Hey. Look at me."
He couldn't. The pain had him disoriented, his eyes darting all over.
The same question barely audible this time,
"Where's Dad?"
-Stop it Dean! Stop being so concerned about him!-
"He's still here Dean, he's okay."
"Where?"
-Damnit Dean. -
"For you or Dad, the things I'm willing to do or kill, it's just…it scares me sometimes."
I knew now what Dean meant.
He wasn't some deranged killer with no heart.
He was a son…that would do anything his father asked of him… he was a person, just like any other
…except for one thing
-He was my brother….
For some unknown reason that was far out of anyone's control he had been dealt the card of older brother… and he had accepted with no questions asked.
"You didn't have a choice, Dean."