Author's note: I know that the Rockefeller tree does not have any ornamentation - save for lights and a star – but for the purpose of this story, it does. Also, I apologize in advance for the campy 80s fight scene dialogue. After all, this is set in G1, and this fic is just for fun. Merry Christmas!
For Crimsonseastorm, Kapu37 and Kaanibaru (LJ) – Merry Christmas, guys!
This story has been translated into Mandarin Chinese by zhang1987221... very cool ^^ The translation may be found here: h t t p : / / www . starscream . net . cn / bbs / read . php ? tid - 1204 . html (remove spaces).
The Christmas Bell
"I am telling you, he could do it TC!"
"Skywarp, there is no way a human could visit every sparkling on Earth in one night." Thundercracker sat down on his berth, across from his trinemate, wings flicking with slight irritation as he tried to make him see reason. "Even Starscream, at top speed, could not do it. And then you have to figure in all the time necessary for the fat human to stuff himself down those… things."
"Chimneys," Skywarp supplied cheerily. "They are how the squishies vent exhaust!"
"Lovely." Thundercracker said in disgust. "So you are suggesting that a human would willingly shove itself down another human's exhaust port?"
"He doesn't get exhaust on him because he can widen the chimney when he wiggles his olfactory sensor… and he can fly faster than Screamer."
"Impossible. There are no human vehicles faster than Starscream. Or us, for that matter." Thundercracker huffed indignantly. "Wiggles his olfactory sensor? What? Where are you getting these crazy ideas from… what is your source?"
"I intercepted a squishy data file." Skywarp bent, fishing around the pile of junk under his berth. "But this Santa Claus seemed much too powerful for a squishy."
"Well, have you considered the possibility that it could be Autobot counter-intelligence, meant to dissuade us from attacking the humans?" Even as he said it, Thundercracker knew that this was unlikely; the Autobots often underestimated Decepticon intelligence, but even they would not expect them to fall for such a stupid myth.
"At first I suspected that too, which is why I went straight to the original source."
"You went to the North Pole?" Thundercracker groaned. They did not have the energy reserves to permit Skywarp to make pointless joyrides to the far north to frolic with the polar bears… or was it penguins?
"No, to the library." Skywarp said simply. "Of course, I blew it up – you should have seen the fire, TC! It was huge, all those squishy datapads burning! - but not before taking this." Skywarp finally stopped rummaging under his berth, extricating a very old book.
"Warp!" Thundercracker jumped up to snatch the book out of his trinemate's hands. "Do you know what will happen if Soundwave catches you with human contraband? If word gets to Megatron… you'll be worse off than Starscream."
"Aw, relax TC." Skywarp nimbly plucked the book back out of Thundercracker's grip. "I won't end up like Screamer. Unlike him, I know how to keep my mouth shut."
"Oh, really?" The disbelief was clear in Thundercracker's voice as he gave a resigned sigh, dropping down onto Skywarp's berth beside his trinemate. "So what is in this thing, anyway?"
Skywarp passed the book to him, as Thundercracker brought up his translation programs and increased the magnification on his optics to read the cover: "The Night Before Christmas: Large Print Edition."
"Large my afterburners," he snorted, before returning his optics to the cover. He was not able to read anything else before Skywarp began excitedly – though awkwardly – flipping through the tiny pages with his smallest finger, nearly knocking the miniscule square out of Thundercracker's palm.
"See, he travels around in a sleigh with eight reindeer – with really lame designations – but they can fly like us!" Skywarp pointed to a picture of some ridiculous looking animals with strange protrusions coming out of their heads, all tied to what he assumed was a sleigh. "And here, look! After he makes it down their exhaust vent, he places presents for the squishies' sparklings under their sacrificial pine. They cull it earlier, and decorate its offline frame with lights and brightly-colored orbs to present to Santa."
"Sacrificial pine?" Thundercracker looked doubtful; his limited research on Christmas indicated that it was a joyful and peaceful holiday.
"Of course! They want to appease Santa so they don't get on his naughty list." Skywarp pointed to a long scroll of paper clutched in the fat human's gloved hand. "If he deems the tree to be acceptable, he leaves the gifts."
"And how do you propose he fits all of those presents in that tiny bag?" Thundercracker pointed dubiously to the illustration of Santa's red sack. "How does he widen chimneys by wiggling his olfactory sensor? How do these land mammals fly while possessing such dense skeletal composition? Most importantly, how do you propose that a mere human flies faster than us?"
"Magic, TC."
"There is no such thing as magic, Skywarp."
The Atlantic Ocean dissolved into the bright lights of New York City as Starscream streaked across the sky. He experienced a brief feeling of vertigo as he passed over the city. The stars above him, once so bright as he cruised over the ocean, faded into inky black. The lights from the city below became a mocking and inferior imitation. It was times like these that Starscream most craved the perpetual night of Cybertron, its thin atmosphere blanketed by an endless sea of stars.
He had been fighting icy winds all night, and was anxious to be done with his patrol. He was nearly home, only perhaps a megacycle more, when his sensors registered Autobot activity. He opened his commlink with a displeased hiss - so much for a megacycle.
"Starscream to Nemesis."
"Nemesis: acknowledges." Soundwave answered, sounding more lifeless than ever over the long-range frequency.
"I have detected Autobot activity over the human city of New York."
"Notification of Lord Megatron: premature," Soundwave droned. "Further investigation: necessary."
"Of course it is." Starscream replied sourly, cutting the transmission. He changed course to intercept the signal, increasing his speed while maintaining his altitude; better to get this over with as quickly as possible.
He was quite surprised to find himself right over the bright lights of Midtown Manhattan, the signal originating from the heart of the urban sprawl. Despite himself, he dove down to take a closer look. What could the Autobots possibly be doing in the middle of the human city after dark, with no Decepticon threat in sight?
"Well, not yet anyway." He whispered to himself, deadly smirk evident in his voice, as he dove toward the lights below.
He paused in confusion once the Autobots finally came into sight. He quickly identified Bluestreak, Jazz, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker and Bumblebee standing in front of a large crowd of humans. The annoying yellow scout was placing a giant star on top of – after a quick search of the internet – what Starscream determined to be a 'Christmas tree.' He groaned as his search query returned a myriad of sappy details about Christmas trees and the human holiday they represented. It was so nauseatingly Autobot.
The tree dwarfed the scout, and only with the assistance of Sideswipe and his boosters, was he able to reach the top. Once the star was in place, the lights adorning the tree were lit and the humans cheered, leaving Starscream with the feeling one gets after contracting a particularly nasty virus.
Enough is enough, he decided, and launched himself into the crowd, peppering the Autobots with laser fire. He quickly managed to disable Bluestreak, burying the unfortunate mech under a pile of rubble falling from a nearby building. Jazz and Bumblebee hardly fired a shot at him, too busy trying to herd the humans out of the square and to safety.
He launched himself out of the plaza, perching on top of on top of 30 Rockefeller, cackling down at the Autobots below.
"You know, Christmas is more fun than I thought," he jeered at Sunstreaker, who had neglected to help the humans in favor of taking down the Seeker. From his high perch on the skyscraper, he was able to dodge every shot from the cursing mech. Distracted, he missed Sideswipe, boosters ignited, launching at him from behind.
After tackling Starscream, Sideswipe used his momentum to jump to the next rooftop, aided again by his boosters. Caught off-guard, Starscream was hurled into the square below, now clear of humans. He fell right onto the tree, which splintered under his weight with a sickening crack, underscored by the tinkle of thousands of shattering bulbs and falling bells. As if Primus wished to insult him further, a large red bow fell right onto his helm.
"Merry Christmas, Sunny!" Sideswipe called from above, his laugh echoing off the nearby buildings.
"Aw, Sides, you shouldn't have!" Sunstreaker cooed, his voice falsely saccharine, as Starscream tossed the bow to the ground with a sneer. He launched himself at Starscream just as the Seeker managed to right himself.
His gyros still spinning from the fall, Starscream was quickly tackled back onto the downed tree with a crunch of broken glass and snapping twigs. The bells left hanging on the branches jangled in morbid merriment as the two grappled on top of the unfortunate spruce.
"Hey look Sides, it's a partridge in a pear tree." Sunstreaker laughed, landing a punch on Starscream's scowling face.
"I am no pathetic Earth fowl." He kicked Sunstreaker in the gut, the other's laugh morphing into a pained wheeze. He was also fairly certain that coniferous trees did not produce pears, but he was a little too busy at the moment to consult the internet.
"So Screamer, where are your two turtle doves?" There was a moment of confusion before Starscream realized that he was referring to Thundercracker and Skywarp. Though it pained Starscream to admit it, he could really use his trinemates' assistance right now. Unfortunately, they were back at the Nemesis, their patrol having ended megacycles ago.
"I think you should be more concerned about me right now," he growled. The low whine of his null ray powering up was the only warning Sunstreaker received before he was shot point-blank on his sneering mouth. The look of shock on the Autobot frontliner's face was priceless as he was hurled off of Starscream and into the side of a nearby building, temporarily frozen by the ray's effects.
"Time to roast this wingnut on an open fire." Sideswipe seethed, as he finally jumped down from the tower, no longer content just to watch now that his brother had lost the upper hand. He fired a missile at the tree underneath the downed Seeker, which went up like a matchstick. Starscream shrieked, his paint bubbling and charring before he managed to jump up.
He considered calling for backup, but decided against it; he did not wish for any of the Decepticons to witness him in his pathetic condition, bested by a bunch of fragging Autobots. He jumped into the air, folding into jet mode, the painful groan of metal filling the air as warped and dented panels scraped against one another. He shot off towards the Nemesis without another word, leaving the square in a cloud of ashes, dust and charred pine needles.
Starscream stalked through the halls of the Nemesis towards his trinemates' quarters. He should have gone straight to medbay, ordered the constructicons to repair him, and threatened a painful deactivation to anyone that dared speak about this incident. Yet here he was, standing foolishly outside Thundercracker and Skywarp's door.
It was only in the quiet of the corridor that he noticed the strange rattling noise emanating from his left vent. He reached in and drew out one of those accursed silver bells that had adorned the tree. He nearly crushed it in his hand before he was distracted by raised voices coming from inside.
He knew he should not lower himself to eavesdropping, but he was horribly curious; he increased the sensitivity on his audios and leaned in to press one against the metal plating of the door panel, groaning as his damaged joints protested the movement.
"Remember that time Starscream got sent back in time? He said there was a wizard! So there is magic."
"Starscream could have been sent to another dimension, for all we know. That is no proof that there is magic in this time, in this dimension. We have never encountered any before."
"Santa is real, TC! He is the coolest squishy on this entire miserable mud ball." Starscream had to strain to hear Skywarp's last words, as his voice lowered dejectedly. "Nothing else is cool about this planet. It has mud, and rain, and normal squishies, and Autobots… I miss home."
He had had a miserable night; he wanted his wingmate's both in stable moods so that he could vent his frustrations to them. He wanted to hear their reassurances that they would crush Sunstreaker and Sideswipe the next time they met in battle. He wanted the char marks carefully buffed out of his armor as he reasoned to them why his failure was all Megatron's fault. The last thing he needed was to deal with an upset Skywarp.
With a frown firmly on his faceplates, he entered their door code. The door slid to the side with a whoosh, revealing his two wingmate's sitting together on Skywarp's berth.
Thundercracker wore an odd, masked expression. After countless vorns of practice deciphering the other, Starscream easily interpreted his expression as one of intense guilt. Clearly Thundercracker had not intended to upset their youngest trinemate, but was now at a loss as to what to do.
Starscream's optics locked onto Skywarp's. It was quite an eerie sight indeed to see him so clearly upset. He was used to the other smiling, be it innocent or in crazed energon lust. Starscream's spark sat uncomfortably in its casing. He just wanted Skywarp to stop moping and, along with Thundercracker, pay attention to him!
Starscream's hand closed slightly around a spherical metal object, one that made a tiny jingle in protest. The fragging bell, he had almost forgotten. His previous research on the mysterious tree and Christmas had yielded some interesting myths about bells, particularly sleigh bells, such as the one he held in his hand. He wondered if Skywarp had read them.
Starscream turned the bell over in his hand, silently debating the foolishness of feeding Skywarp's already rampant delusions.
"You won't believe who I ran into – literally – on patrol."
Thundercracker looked up from the tiny copy of The Night Before Christmas that he had been examining in an effort to avoid the situation. His optics roved over Starscream's damaged frame, quickly catching sight of the smears of bright yellow paint across his chassis.
"I think I can guess."
Before Thundercracker could say anything else, Starscream held out the bell to Skywarp, who snatched it out of his hands like a greedy sparking would a rust stick.
"Santa!" Skywarp's smile was brilliant. Starscream gave a slight nod, knowing that he would regret it later.
"Santa?" Thundercracker was incredulous. "You know as well as I do Starscream that reindeer cannot fly, a human cannot visit every single house in one night, and there is no such thing as…"
"A planet and its life forms take a great deal of time to completely catalogue. For all we know, there could be flying deer." Starscream shrugged, wincing as he strained his damaged shoulder.
"So you are basically admitting that there is a human capable of flying faster than you, Air Commander?" Thundercracker asked quietly. He and Skywarp both had their optics riveted to Starscream, waiting eagerly for his answer – albeit for far different reasons.
"I…" Starscream struggled to form words, as his pride warred with his odd desire to keep that smile on Skywarp's face. "I cannot remember. That sleigh hit me quite hard – squishies really aren't meant to fly – such an inept, unpredictable move those deer made! I lost all the data from my flight logs." Skywarp's smile drooped slightly. "Though I do remember he was quite fast. Probably not as fast as me, but we'll never find out because I am not getting near that crazy human and his sleigh ever again." Thundercracker's expression softened slightly into the faintest of smiles, as Starscream melodramatically collapsed on the berth. "Such a night I've had!"
"Whoa, who knew Santa could be so tough!" The annoying jingling that had filled the room for the last few moments stopped as Skywarp finally registered his trineleader's condition. "You look like the pit, Screamer."
I was then that he realized that he could not tell his wingmates what really happened that night. Though, as he felt the caress of polishing cloths against his damaged wings, his trinemates kneeling on the berth with him, he realized it didn't matter.
"Merry Christmas, Screamer," Skywarp said happily.
"Mmm…" was all Starscream could muster as the other worked at a particularly sore spot, but that seemed enough for his trine.