Konnichiwa! Thank you ever so much for clicking on this! I wrote it during homeroom and first mod with a little inspiration from my Chris… *drool* Enjoy and r&r!
(there is a spotlight on Siko and she sits in an armchair, book in hand)
Siko: Greetings. Bisounen, bishoujo, fangirls and fanboys…tonight I will be telling you the story of Little Yohji Riding Hood!
From somewhere else: Stop screwing up the titles!
Siko: *pouts* Screw you!
(someone throws a lit stick of dynamite at her)
Siko: AHHHHHH!!! (jumps out of the way just in the nick of time. She kneels behind the chair, quietly laughing) Heh heh, those crazy fans…
Voice: Go to hell!
Siko: I've already been there, thank you very much! Now then…(fixes her pigtails) I believe I was about to begin my story(opens the book)…ahem, once upon a time…
(we see Yohji. Only he's not exactly dressed like Yohji…he's wearing a school girl uniform with his hair in pigtails ^_^; . He's skipping around outside a little house, picking flowers and humming)
Yohji: La, la, la, Siko's making me flamboyantly gay in this, la, la, la!
Ken's voice: (horribly trying to sound feminine) Oh, Yohji!
Yohji: Yes, mommy-dearest?
Ken's voice: I need a favor from you!
Yohji: The hell with this…I'm gonna go get laid(starts to walk away, but the author shoves him back into the story) I hate you and I hope you die. (straightens out his clothes) Coming, mommy-dearest! (skips inside the house. Ken is wearing a blonde wig, a gaudy pink dress and a checkered apron. He has fake lashes that are about 5 inches long and bright blue eye shadow) Yes, mommy-dearest?
Ken: Honey, your grandma isn't well. Last week she threw her katana at another helicopter…only this time it fell down, hit her in the head and now she has a concussion.
Yohji: Oh no! How awful! (turns away and quietly snickers)
Ken: So…I want you to take this to her. (hands him a basket with some Ho-Hos, a Cosmopolitan magazine and a Journey cd)
Yohji: (looks in the basket) Eh…?
Ken: Now you have to hurry, the sun is starting to set!
Yohji: (looks at his watch) It's 8 am.
Ken: I was trying to be dramatic, goddamnit.
Yohji: *blinks* Well, bye mommy-dearest! (leans over and kisses him…not exactly the way daughters should kiss their mothers)
Ken: *eyes wide*
Yohji: *grins, grabs a red cloak and waves, then skips out*
Ken: *raises an eyebrow*
(later, Yohji is skipping along through the woods, swinging the basket back and forth, humming)
Yohji: (off-key) TRA-LA-LA! Off to grandmother Aya's house I gooooooo…
Voice: …hello, little girl…
Yohji: (stops and gasps) Who said that? Who's there?!
Voice: Turn around and see for yourself…
Yohji: (looks up)
Voice: *Behind* you.
Yohji: (looks to his left)
Voice: (sighs)
Yohji: (looks up again, confusedly) Hello?
(someone goes up and turns him around. Yohji gasps again to see who it is. It's a certain redhead *grins* only now he has wolf ears, a tail and a cute widdle nose… *fangirls: AW! KAWAII!* He leans against a tree with his arms crossed, grinning)
Yohji: Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-
Wolf: Oh, out with it!
Yohji: You're a wolf!
Wolf: Hm, you noticed? I think that fox would have suited me better, but oh, well…
Yohji: (backs away, clutching his basket) Please don't kill me and eat me! I don't taste that good!
Wolf: (ears perk up) Kill you? (laughs) I'm not going to kill you…but the eating thing, most likely…and nonsense, I'm sure you're delicious! (licks his lips at him, then sits down on the ground and starts scratching behind his ear with his foot) What are you doing in these deep, dark woods all by yourself, little girl?
Yohji: I'm taking a basket to my grandma Aya…she's very sick…
Wolf: Ohhhh, that's just too bad…say, where does your grandma live?
Yohji: About 3 miles from here in a little stone house…why? (looks down and notices that the wolf is trying to look up his skirt) PERVERT! *kicks him away*
Wolf: *hitting his head on a tree trunk* OUCH! You didn't have to do that, you know! Now you made me cry! (starts 'crying' into his paws) I think I deserve a kiss for some consolation!
Yohji: I'm not talking to you anymore! Hmph! *stomps away*
Wolf: *glares, then smiles and gets off, walking toward a certain house…*
(meanwhile, Grandma Aya is sitting in his rocking chair, knitting a sweater and blaring 'Separate Ways' by Journey. He's wearing a bonnet and little granny glasses.)
Aya: (sings) Someday love will find you, break these chains that bind you!
(the door suddenly swings open and Aya looks up, glaring)
Aya: Buy something or get out!
Intruder: Couldn't you have bought a more conventional welcome mat? (points to Aya's welcome mat that says 'I'm a bitter old woman whose sister is in a coma because of that bastard Takatori(shi-NE!) so I've become cold and aloof to most human emotions, blah, blah, blah…')
(A few minutes later, Yohji comes prancing up to the door and cheerfully knocks)
Yohji: Grandma Aya, it's me, Yohji!
Voice inside: (in a very unsuccessful attempt to sound old and feeble) Come in…
Yohji: (opens the door and happily prances insides, but stops and gapes when he sees 'Aya') Grandma, you look awful!
'Aya': Shut the hell up, no I don't-I mean, what's wrong, dear?
Yohji: Why do you have whiskers?
'Aya': Um, Grandma has a hormonal imbalance…
Yohji: Grandma, wha-what big ears you have!
'Aya': All the better to hear you with, my dear…
Yohji: Grandma: What big eyes you have!
'Aya': All the better to see you with, my dear…
Yohji: Grandma, what a big mouth you have!
'Aya': All the better to swallow you with my dear…
Yohji: Grandma, what big teeth you have!
'Aya': All the better to tease you with, my dear…
Yohji: Wait a minute…you're not my grandma!
'Aya': Ding, ding, ding…*rolls his eyes and claps* very perceptive…(jumps out of the bed and at Yohji)
Yohji: Ack! *runs around the room*
Wolf: *chases him* Feisty…
Yohji: AHHHH!!!!! *tries to run to the door but the wolf blocks it*
Wolf: Hm, you're not going anywhere…(advances on him)
Yohji: (looks around until his eyes fall on something) Take this! (turns on the cd player and Journey comes on)
Stereo: Troubled
times, caught between confusions and pain, pain, pain!
Distant eyes, promises we made were in vain, vain, vain!
Wolf: AH! MAKE IT STOP! (backs off behind the door, covering his ears)
(the door suddenly opens, hitting the wolf in the face and knocking him out)
Wolf: Daaaaa…(little stars float around his head and he falls down. The guy who opened the door just kinda stands there, looking around. He's got silver hair and is wielding a hunting knife)
Hunter: I heard screaming, so I ran here to watch whoever was being killed…and help.
Yohji: *sweatdrop*
(there is muffled screaming from the closet and Yohji and the hunter look at each other, then walk over to open it up. Aya falls out, bound and gagged, only wearing his boxers)
Aya: (muffled) SHI-NE!
Yohji: (raises an eyebrow, then looks back and forth between Aya and the bed.) Kinky…
Hunter: Um, I'm going to very quietly leave now…(slowly backs out the door. After a minute he poke his head in) This pointless parody *really* hurt God…*runs away*
Siko: (closes her book) And so, Little Yohji Riding Hood, his Grandma Aya and his mother Ken all lived happily ever after and had many threesomes…later when the wolf was hitchhiking, another wolf(this one with glasses and a stick up his ass) picked him up in his Lexus and they fell in love, got married and became the inspiration for most of my yaoi fics. As for the hunter…well…let's just say I've got a little something in my closet, too ^_~
Sounds from the background: YAIYAIYAIYAIYAI! *sounds of people screaming, car crashes and sirens*
Siko: Oh, crap, I forgot to lock the door again…and that, my friends, is the living end!
~*~