Ah. When it was all over, it was Miriam in the end who woke me up. I was sound asleep, I know I was, and it was getting to the best part when I hear the knocking on my door and that voice.
"Um...Helga dear, are you asleep," Miriam all but yelled through my cracked door. Startled, I gasped slightly and put my pillow over my head. I realized that what I had lived was a dream, just a fantasy, and as I removed the pillow from my head I was blinded by the daylight. It was daylight, and I could no longer see my beloved's head, just the outline, the football shape in silhouette. And the sun was so bright that I nearly cried, but I cried mainly because, ah...
"Helga, Helga, it's nearly eight o'clock. Are you asleep?"
"Well Miriam, I was asleep...that is until you woke me up!" Once again, Miriam's voice jarred me, and it placed me right back into reality. I was in my bed, sleep crusted in my eyes, and the only trace of Arnold on me was that locket, which had left a mark on my skin from where I lay on it. Instead of his lips on my cheek, I had the indentation of the heart-shaped locket. Ooh, if only it had been real...
"Well, Helga, don't you think you ought to get ready for school. I mean, its almost five after..."
"Miriam, it's Saturday for Pete's Sake!" I yelled. I admit, sometimes I feel guilty for yelling at Miriam, but in times like these, Crimity!
I waited for Miriam to leave, but she was still there. "Oh...oh, you know you're right, Helga, you're right. Oh shoot-I sent Big Bob off to work today, and he's off Saturdays. Oh, I'd better run and catch him." I heard her light footsteps down the stairs.
"Yeah, you go and do that, Miriam." Finally, alone.
But I was in a wreck. Apparently the night had not been good to me. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, and as soon as I looked at my eyes, into my eyes, I remembered. I remembered everything I had forgotten in the instant Miriam woke me. And I knew that as long as I remembered it, I should write it down, keep it for eternity, you know? When I looked into my eyes I saw the beginning of the dream...
It was just another day at PS 118...I got off the bus, in my usual seat, and for some reason you weren't there...anyway, I hadn't noticed yet, I figured you were sitting with someone else...who else, I don't know, maybe hair boy, I don't know. Anyway, I didn't notice until I was on the steps of school, and Gerald asked where you were, and you weren't there. That was strange, since you never miss a day of school in your life.
"Well Geraldo, why're you asking me? Crimity! Who do I look like to you, her keeper?" I was particularly edgy in my dream...must've had too much of Miriam's experimental roast the night before. Well, at least Big Bob loved it. Anyway, I can't remember what he said in response, because I walked off...no, I can't remember what he said, because that's not the point of my story. Sheesh...can't I continue before I forget?
So, I walked into PS 118, and who do I run into but...who's telling the story here, you or I? Yes, it was Arnold, congratulations; you're a genius. Now can we cut the chat and get back to my story here? Yeah, so...oh yeah, so I run into The Football Head. And of course, we exchanged the usual, 'Watch where you're going, Football Head,' and 'Nice to see you too, Helga,' dialogue. That's pretty much been status quo since preschool. So anyway, who should step up to me after Arnold but Lila.
Yes, Lila, the bane of my existence since she moved here. I mean, first it was Ruth, but I mean sheesh, it was obvious from the start she was a total looser, but Lila? I had to hand it to her, the girl was good. If only I had what she had to entrance The Football Head, and...huh?...oh yeah, well, on with the story. So Lila, she says,
"Helga, I don't mean to disturb you or anything..."
I snarled at her. "Well guess what, cupcake, you have!" I got up, dusted myself off, and turned to leave. Lila, unfazed by the whole thing, as she usually was, grasped my arm. I glared at her.
"Well Helga, I'm ever so sorry for disrupting you, but I'm afraid that I have pressing matters to discuss with you." At first I really didn't want to talk to Little Miss Perfect for anything, but then I saw the entreaty in here eyes, and, well...
"Okay, okay Lila, if you're going to get all pushy about it. What is it that is pressing you're Highness?" I sneered.
Lila rolled her eyes, and tugged me towards the girls' bathroom. "Please Helga, spare me the formalities. But...this is something that cannot get out. This is little girl's room material." And before I can object, Lila pushes me into the bathroom and into the most inaudible region of the facilities. I immediately get nervous, not knowing what she's got up her sleeve.
"Jeez Lila, what are you so worked up about. I mean, school's not even started yet," I glared at my wristwatch.
Lila sighed, and I could see the despair in her eyes. "Please Helga, this is important," she then paused, and looked around. Before continuing, she walked to the front of the bathroom and knocked on one of the stalls. And who would be there, with her ear pressed to the stall walls but...ugh...Rhonda Wellington Lloyd. Not that Rhonda is a total gossip freak as it is, but anyway...
Rhonda opened up the stall. "Hey, what's the idea, Lila?"
"I'm ever so sorry to disturb you Rhonda, but I see you weren't using the facilities anyway..."
Rhonda got defensive. "It's a free country...I can stay in a stall however long I want," she folded her arms in disgust.
"Well, Rhonda, as much as that may be true, you must excuse me for asking...what were you doing in the stall so long anyway?" Lila was good at cornering Rhonda, because Princess began to sweat. "I mean, no offense, but its kind of suspicious when someone's just hanging out in the stall, wouldn't you say."
Rhonda held her nose up. "Well, Lila, I would also say that it is suspicious dragging someone into the corner of the bathroom, isn't it?" Ooh, touché!
"Rhonda please, I would thank you ever so much if you would leave," and after a stare down...no, I don't know who won...Princess finally left, and Lila ran back to my side. I glared at her.
"Well, what's so important that you've got me sitting in cobwebs here?" I finally asked. I mean, you could probably just here me with the exasperation heightening in my voice...ooh, that's good, get that down.
"Helga, it's about Arnold," Lila said. Now, you know how I feel about Arnold. The mention of his name pretty much made my heart stop. And Lila knew it, because she was one of the few who knew. But, as usual, I had to keep my tough exterior.
"Arnold? I mean...why would I want to know about the Ol' Football Head anyway?"
"Helga, you know I know that you are practically in love with Arnold, so I thought maybe you could help me." Practically, huh...
"Practically, huh...I mean, how do you know I'm still in l... I mean, I still like Arnold. I mean, it's been over a half a year since..."
Lila shook her head. "Helga, please, you practically stalk the boy. And besides, I've seen you're locket."
"The locket!" I clutched my chest where the locket had previously been, and realized it wasn't there. For a split second, I was in panic.
"Speaking of which, it fell to the floor when you bumped into Arnold today," Lila took it out of her pocket and handed it to me, and I snatched it from her hand, panting from the adrenaline rush that loosing it caused me...I don't know how to spell adrenaline, sheesh, what do I look like, a living dictionary? Anyway, Lila went on. "You know, no matter how ever so sweet this whole secret crush thing has been all year that I've been here, Helga, I have to tell you..."
And I knew what was coming. "Oh no, sister, no, you are not getting to me. You don't understand how tumultuous this has been...five, no, six years of my life spent in utter agony. I'm not going to top that all off with the embarrassment of the public announcement that...that..." Ugh...I couldn't even pronounce it.
"Helga, as sympathetic as I may be to your feelings, this situation has gone ever to far," Lila said, bowing her head in partial shame.
I laughed. "Sister, you don't know the half of it. The tortured poetry, the vain plans, the crumbling shrines, the vigils...well, I haven't done those in a while..."
"I'm not talking about that, Helga, I'm talking about between me and Arnold," Lila finally said. Realizing I had said too much, I shut up and listened. "Ever since I moved here, Arnold's been ever so sweet in making sure I was comfortable in everything, but, well, he's really making me uncomfortable presently." Then, she really spilled it. "Even though I told him that I didn't 'like him' like him, and even though he's ever so sweet and kind, I can't take it anymore. The boy's driving me nuts! I mean, I've told him outright, but when is he gonna get the hint."
I chuckled. "The Ol' Football Head's in your hair, huh? Like that's a problem. I could handle that easy," I mused to myself.
"And that's exactly where you come into the picture, Helga." I perked up at this news. "You see, I think Arnold is just what you need, and you're just what he needs, and you as a couple would be ever so sweet. Not to mention I could get on with my life," Lila said, raising her head assertively.
"Yeah right, like Arnoldo would ever go along with that theory," I mumbled to myself.
"Which is exactly why I came to the conclusion that Arnold is sexually frustrated, and he needs an out." Whoa. That took me by surprise.
"Sexually frustrated, huh? Needs an out? And just where does that put me, cupcake? Do I look like a three pronged electrical outlet to you?" I said, little more than defensively.
"No Helga...well, I mean...not like that. I mean, look at Arnold, do you really think he could...oh, never mind," Lila finally gave up in trying to explain. "All I'm saying is this: Arnold needs somebody. I can't be it, and no one else wants to be it but you. Now I've got a proposition that you can't refuse," Lila got really close to me and looked me dead in the eyes. "I get Arnold off my back for good, you get he who you've been pining over for the past six years, Arnold gets the attention he deserves, and we all have our commencement in two years, and we have our whole lives to spend in bliss. Doesn't that sound ever so lovely to you, Helga?"
What could I say, I couldn't refuse. Normally, I would have said something like, 'Are you kidding? Never, ever, am I going to reveal this secret, and neither are you, or I'll carry out my promise and...' but I didn't. I guess all I really wanted was for Arnold to like me, and anything Lila proposed as a sure fire plan was fine by me.
Now, make sure you get this down verbatim...what happens next is truly the stuff of dreams...
Lila's plan was so simple, I was surprised I hadn't though of it myself. Just talk to Arnold and tell him how I feel is what she said. I know it sounds all corny and all anecdotal, but this is what happened in the dream. She stressed to me that it was "imperative" that I do it before the end of the day, or else she would "probably blow a gasket, and I'm afraid that I'd hurt Arnold ever so much if I did." Setting aside the fact that Lila was doing it for her own personal gain, I gave her plan a go.
Okay, I was supposed to find Arnold and act all Arnoldy and stuff...you know, being truthful and honest and everything. Well, I ran into him, and this was at lunch, and so I got great globs of Jell-O in my hair, but I really didn't care. I think that is what surprised Arnold the most. I looked up at him, and I swear I almost cried...until I slapped myself out of all that mushy stuff. Crimity, I hate when that happens!
"Oh, I'm so sorry Helga, are you alright?" Oh, he asked me if I was alright!...Okay, okay, I'm snapping out of it. Jeez...you'd think you weren't used to this already. And so, I shook my head no, and slowly stood. "Helga, I hope this isn't another one of your tricks, because I really don't like when you play with my emotions like that," he said, dusting the Jell-O off of his shirt. Me, play with emotions. Ha!
"Me, play with emotions. Ha...I mean...no. This is the real thing, Arnold..." I looked at him with the most sincerity that I could. Then, I looked for the bench at the far side of the playground. Still not really ready for a public display of any type, I pointed to it. "Here, Football He...I mean, Arnold, you'd better get cozy, this could take a while."
So, I didn't mean to make a big production, but I did. With Lila cheering me on, keeping her fingers crossed. It took me a while to figure out that in reality Lila didn't give a flying hoot about any of us, she just put on that Miss Perfect charade to get exactly what she wanted. Like I said, the girl was good. So anyways, I went into this whole long spiel, recounting the days up to this point in our lives, and I basically relayed in many words to Arnold that I was in love with him, and what was he going to do about it. But, I'm sure you don't want to hear the whole thing...ah, what the hey, like I'll be spilling my guts much more than I already have. Kay, here it goes...
"Arnold, you remember the first day we met...if you don't, I do, because I remember it was the first day of preschool, and Big Bob and Miriam were at home with Olga listening to her play a selection from a concerto or something. Anyway, it was raining outside, and I was soaked...we couldn't have been more than three. And when I got there, you got out of the car, and you gave me your umbrella. And you said you liked my bow because it was the same color as my pants. Remember? And that's when it all began. You are my reason for everything that I do. I had to keep my cover, Arnold, or else everyone would find out. So, for the next six years I never let you know, never let you know how I felt. But let me tell you Arnold, it was me who wrote all of that poetry in that little pink book that you and Gerald found. That was my hair that you traced in the book, and yes I was in your room to witness it. In fact, I've hidden in your room several times and have seen more than I ever hoped to see before age 13...sorry about that. And, it was me who had the locket, and here it is, that you're grandpa wore. It was me whose poem that parrot recited over and over again. That sign that you thought said, 'Arnold loves Lila' actually said, 'Arnold loves Helga,' because I painted it myself. But it's all because I, more so than now, could not tell you the truth. That all of these years I've called you Football Head, and Hair Boy and any other ill conceived name that it would only clog my throat to mention, all of the millions of spit wads, and every years' April Fools tricks, the daily practical jokes, the jeering, the sneering and the teasing, have all been a disguise. You don't understand...I have many other books of poetry, all about you, and they're all in my closet, along with my shrines, and everything. But, I can't get into that now, because recess is almost over and we have to get back to class. I've tried to say it a thousand times...with the kiss in Romeo and Juliet, when I said you were 'okay,' heck, when I dressed up as that French girl Valentines Day. Arnold, I guess what I've been meaning to say is that I really like you, as in 'like you,' like you, as in love you are obsessed with you and want to spend my whole life with you. And, I guess like when I tried to dress up and act and talk like Lila, I'm afraid that you won't like me for who I am, Helga G. Pataki. I mean, my looks I can't change. No matter now much I pluck, this eyebrow keeps coming back, and...I guess it would be more than my eyebrow that scared you away."
Whoa, I told you I wanted to spare you the spiel. So anyway, by this time, everyone in the playground has been drawn to my loud ramblings, and even Patty and Lila who already knew were looking shocked along with the rest. I knew they couldn't believe what they were hearing, after I was denounced as 'not a girl' at the end of the year. And Arnold, poor Arnold, I can just see the look on his face. He was maybe a little less embarrassed than I was. I was so embarrassed, looking at everyone all shocked. Crimity! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I held back tears as I looked around at everyone.
"Well, not that I've got it off my chest, I guess my life's energy expended. I guess I can die now!" Normally, I'm not that dramatic...okay, so I am, sheesh, you know me to well. And I pushed through the crowd, tears streaming down my face, screaming, 'Move it, bucko,' and 'Show's over,' and the like as I choked back my tears until I was out of sight. I didn't go to classes that day, because I went straight home, told Miriam I was sick, and spent the rest of the day in mourning. Mourning about what had been the best kept secret on the planet. And I was feeling...feeling...I can't even describe how I was feeling. I felt like I wanted to kill Lila, that's for sure. I felt like taking those pigtails in my hands, wrapping them around her neck and...gasp...
Yeah, I heard someone knock on my door as soon as I realized I was tying my own hair around my neck. Quickly, I tried to rub my eyes as best as I could before answering the door. "Who is it," I said meekly as I peaked through the crack in the door.
"Um...Helga," ugh...it was just Miriam.
"What do you want, Miriam," I moaned, crawling back to my bed.
"Um, you have a little friend coming to see you. I told them you were sick, but..."
"Yeah, yeah...whatever Mom...you're hogging the air," I figured it was you or something, so I didn't change my position on the bed when...Crimity!...why do you always have to be 'Miss Know-It-All' when it comes to me telling my story. Good for you, you guessed, it, and you get the star for the day.
Yes, if you must know, it was Arnold who walked into my room. School was out, and it was about nine o'clock in the evening. Pretty late. And, man, I must've looked whooped, because Arnold was kind of surprised to see me.
"Hey Helga...your mom let me in. Is that okay?" he asked, ever so earnestly. Oh, stop me now, I'm starting to sound like Lila...
"Yeah, sure, whatever," I said. I mean, I really didn't care anymore.
"You know Helga, I didn't say much to you today, after, well, you know..." and I nodded in recognition, "...because I didn't have much to say. I mean, I truly had no idea that you were so, um, well..."
"Passionate?" I said.
"Yeah, sure," Arnold said, shrugging. Aww...he sat down on my bed next to me. "Anyway, all of this time I thought that you were just a bully, that that's just who you are, and there's nothing that will ever change that. And I thought I was just imagining things when you were so mean to me all the time. And I never...well, I just never." That's what he said.
I waited for him to go on, but he didn't. "Well, if that's all you have to say, Arnold, you can free whatever is in that conscience of yours and go home."
Arnold shook his head. "No Helga, that's not it. I also wanted to say that, well, it was kind of embarrassing, you making a scene like that..."
Okay, now I was enraged. "That's easy for you to say, Arnoldo. You've only just been on the brink of embarrassment today. What about me? I'm the one who didn't want to tell you anything for over six years for fear of what happened today..." I could have gone on, but Arnold anticipated this and held up his hand.
"And I understand that. Well, I guess...what I'm trying to say is...maybe if you would have told me then, or anytime before now, or now even, but maybe a little less dramatically, we would have been cool. I mean, I would have understood everything. The way you act weird when I catch you in the allies, the way you are always showing up in my room, or on my fire escape. I guess what I'm saying is that we could have been friends if you hadn't concealed so much..."
"And I concealed so much because not only did I know it would end in total disaster like today, but also because I was afraid feelings wouldn't be mutual. And now, I'm pretty much sure, I mean, after Ruth and Lila...next thing I know, it will be the Princess Wellington Lloyd."
"You knew about Ruth," Arnold asked in surprise.
"Well doi, Arnold, anyone not blind could tell that you liked Ruth," I responded.
"Well, Helga, maybe if you had just been honest from the beginning, you wouldn't need help from Lila or anyone else getting me to tell you that I like you just the way you are," he said that, poetically. I didn't hear it at first for my ramblings.
"I mean, with Ruth, where were your tastes? Lila, I can respect her. But what about that chick Summer from last summer, I mean, oh boy, Football Head...what, what did you just say," I finally interrupted myself.
"I said, I like you just the way you are. As much as I'd hate to admit it sometimes, you were one of my friends, an indispensable part of PS 118 that I'll cherish for the rest of my life. I mean, I've come to expect you're moodiness at all hours of the day, the confrontations, the spit wads, seeing that pink bow rounding the corner." Ahh...he touched the bow. "You know Helga, I still like that bow. We could have been friends that long ago."
I sighed. "But Arnold, for so long I've wanted to be more than friends. You don't understand...you're the only on who cares about me. Miriam, she tries, but most of the time she lingers on the dim side, you know. And Bob, he'd care if I'd loose the bow, change my name permanently to 'Olga' and start winning trophies all around town. Either that, or be a major market tool for him to sell beepers. And Olga, oh, don't get me started on her..."
"What about Phoebe?" Arnold asked. Oops, oh yeah.
"Well, I suppose Phoebs counts to, but...okay, so I needed two people who cared about me. And before I met Phoebe, it was only you, Arnold. Don't you see? No one else cares if I really die tomorrow...you're the only one that's here!" Arnold got up then, and I swung my legs over to the spot he had warmed on the bed. I knew where he was going...straight to my closet. The notebooks and binders of poetry nearly tumbled him, and the football with feathers of one of my retired shrines bounced out as well.
"Whoa Helga, you weren't kidding about this stuff," Arnold looked in amazement back at me. I shook my head. "Have you ever considered getting help for this?"
"I visit Dr. Bliss, occasionally, but only when I feel like it. But I don't feel I really need a shrink, Arnoldo. What do I look like here, some sort of freak." I caught myself. "Don't answer that."
Arnold returned to his seat and sat down, and I sat up to stretch my legs. "Well, before I came here, I had a long hard talk with my grandpa, and after all of the 'I told you so's,' and 'I can't believe the little girl with the pink bow and the one eyebrow did that,' he gave me some pretty lousy advice. So, I really don't know what to do in a situation like this." Arnold looked at me, I looked at him. We stared at each other for a long time. Then, I came up with a solution.
"Well, we could both bury our heads in shame, and go back to school on Monday with paper sacks on our heads, never complete grade school and go on to become professional hermits," I proposed.
"How about not," Arnold said. I nodded on that. "How about I just let you go on to rest or something, I mean, you look pretty bad," Arnold suggested.
"Just crying over you Arnold, just crying over you," I said, a tear welling up in my eyes. So, Arnold stood to leave, and if that wasn't enough, he came back, and he...shut-up...kissed me! Aww...no, nothing else happened. Jeez, lets not get X-rated here. And it was just on my cheek, thank you very much. And thank goodness...I had eaten a bag of Doritos before he came and I'm sure my breath wreaked to high heaven. Well, maybe not...but it sure wouldn't have tasted good.
He didn't even leave yet when I woke up. And all I saw was the shadow, the shadow of his football head. The same shadow that for years I eyed, cast upon my desk, that moved as the sun heightened in the sky. Ahh...and for once, he was my Football Head. I hope you got this all down, Phoebs...what do I need to be thanking you for...I'm sure you wanted to get the scoop on my dream or whatever. Speaking of which, Phoebe, for some reason I can't remember what we did at all yesterday...It's like its been completely flushed. I guess that dream was powerful. What'd Simmons dish out for...what! You weren't there yesterday...the flu, in the spring? Well Jeez Phoebs, if you had told me you were sick I wouldn't held you so long...I hope germs don't come through the phone. Yeah, I'll let you go, I think Miriam's calling me anyway. Yeah, bye.
"Um...Helga, are you up yet."
"Yeah, I'm trying Miriam...don't rush me."
"Well, I hope you're feeling better from yesterday. When you fell, you made quite the bang. It woke up you're father."
"Miriam, I did not fall yesterday...wait a minute, or did I? What exactly happened to me yesterday."
"Helga, dear, I have no idea. But that's not important now. You're little friend, I forget the name, says he's been waiting to call you, so pick up the phone...or something."
"Brilliant advice, Mom...wait a minute...he? Oh no, it can't be...I'll get the phone."
"Hello, who is it?"
"Helga, it's me, Arnold. Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday. I never expected you to faint like that." Thump. "Helga, Helga, are you there..."
"Um...Helga dear, are you asleep," Miriam all but yelled through my cracked door. Startled, I gasped slightly and put my pillow over my head. I realized that what I had lived was a dream, just a fantasy, and as I removed the pillow from my head I was blinded by the daylight. It was daylight, and I could no longer see my beloved's head, just the outline, the football shape in silhouette. And the sun was so bright that I nearly cried, but I cried mainly because, ah...
"Helga, Helga, it's nearly eight o'clock. Are you asleep?"
"Well Miriam, I was asleep...that is until you woke me up!" Once again, Miriam's voice jarred me, and it placed me right back into reality. I was in my bed, sleep crusted in my eyes, and the only trace of Arnold on me was that locket, which had left a mark on my skin from where I lay on it. Instead of his lips on my cheek, I had the indentation of the heart-shaped locket. Ooh, if only it had been real...
"Well, Helga, don't you think you ought to get ready for school. I mean, its almost five after..."
"Miriam, it's Saturday for Pete's Sake!" I yelled. I admit, sometimes I feel guilty for yelling at Miriam, but in times like these, Crimity!
I waited for Miriam to leave, but she was still there. "Oh...oh, you know you're right, Helga, you're right. Oh shoot-I sent Big Bob off to work today, and he's off Saturdays. Oh, I'd better run and catch him." I heard her light footsteps down the stairs.
"Yeah, you go and do that, Miriam." Finally, alone.
But I was in a wreck. Apparently the night had not been good to me. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, and as soon as I looked at my eyes, into my eyes, I remembered. I remembered everything I had forgotten in the instant Miriam woke me. And I knew that as long as I remembered it, I should write it down, keep it for eternity, you know? When I looked into my eyes I saw the beginning of the dream...
It was just another day at PS 118...I got off the bus, in my usual seat, and for some reason you weren't there...anyway, I hadn't noticed yet, I figured you were sitting with someone else...who else, I don't know, maybe hair boy, I don't know. Anyway, I didn't notice until I was on the steps of school, and Gerald asked where you were, and you weren't there. That was strange, since you never miss a day of school in your life.
"Well Geraldo, why're you asking me? Crimity! Who do I look like to you, her keeper?" I was particularly edgy in my dream...must've had too much of Miriam's experimental roast the night before. Well, at least Big Bob loved it. Anyway, I can't remember what he said in response, because I walked off...no, I can't remember what he said, because that's not the point of my story. Sheesh...can't I continue before I forget?
So, I walked into PS 118, and who do I run into but...who's telling the story here, you or I? Yes, it was Arnold, congratulations; you're a genius. Now can we cut the chat and get back to my story here? Yeah, so...oh yeah, so I run into The Football Head. And of course, we exchanged the usual, 'Watch where you're going, Football Head,' and 'Nice to see you too, Helga,' dialogue. That's pretty much been status quo since preschool. So anyway, who should step up to me after Arnold but Lila.
Yes, Lila, the bane of my existence since she moved here. I mean, first it was Ruth, but I mean sheesh, it was obvious from the start she was a total looser, but Lila? I had to hand it to her, the girl was good. If only I had what she had to entrance The Football Head, and...huh?...oh yeah, well, on with the story. So Lila, she says,
"Helga, I don't mean to disturb you or anything..."
I snarled at her. "Well guess what, cupcake, you have!" I got up, dusted myself off, and turned to leave. Lila, unfazed by the whole thing, as she usually was, grasped my arm. I glared at her.
"Well Helga, I'm ever so sorry for disrupting you, but I'm afraid that I have pressing matters to discuss with you." At first I really didn't want to talk to Little Miss Perfect for anything, but then I saw the entreaty in here eyes, and, well...
"Okay, okay Lila, if you're going to get all pushy about it. What is it that is pressing you're Highness?" I sneered.
Lila rolled her eyes, and tugged me towards the girls' bathroom. "Please Helga, spare me the formalities. But...this is something that cannot get out. This is little girl's room material." And before I can object, Lila pushes me into the bathroom and into the most inaudible region of the facilities. I immediately get nervous, not knowing what she's got up her sleeve.
"Jeez Lila, what are you so worked up about. I mean, school's not even started yet," I glared at my wristwatch.
Lila sighed, and I could see the despair in her eyes. "Please Helga, this is important," she then paused, and looked around. Before continuing, she walked to the front of the bathroom and knocked on one of the stalls. And who would be there, with her ear pressed to the stall walls but...ugh...Rhonda Wellington Lloyd. Not that Rhonda is a total gossip freak as it is, but anyway...
Rhonda opened up the stall. "Hey, what's the idea, Lila?"
"I'm ever so sorry to disturb you Rhonda, but I see you weren't using the facilities anyway..."
Rhonda got defensive. "It's a free country...I can stay in a stall however long I want," she folded her arms in disgust.
"Well, Rhonda, as much as that may be true, you must excuse me for asking...what were you doing in the stall so long anyway?" Lila was good at cornering Rhonda, because Princess began to sweat. "I mean, no offense, but its kind of suspicious when someone's just hanging out in the stall, wouldn't you say."
Rhonda held her nose up. "Well, Lila, I would also say that it is suspicious dragging someone into the corner of the bathroom, isn't it?" Ooh, touché!
"Rhonda please, I would thank you ever so much if you would leave," and after a stare down...no, I don't know who won...Princess finally left, and Lila ran back to my side. I glared at her.
"Well, what's so important that you've got me sitting in cobwebs here?" I finally asked. I mean, you could probably just here me with the exasperation heightening in my voice...ooh, that's good, get that down.
"Helga, it's about Arnold," Lila said. Now, you know how I feel about Arnold. The mention of his name pretty much made my heart stop. And Lila knew it, because she was one of the few who knew. But, as usual, I had to keep my tough exterior.
"Arnold? I mean...why would I want to know about the Ol' Football Head anyway?"
"Helga, you know I know that you are practically in love with Arnold, so I thought maybe you could help me." Practically, huh...
"Practically, huh...I mean, how do you know I'm still in l... I mean, I still like Arnold. I mean, it's been over a half a year since..."
Lila shook her head. "Helga, please, you practically stalk the boy. And besides, I've seen you're locket."
"The locket!" I clutched my chest where the locket had previously been, and realized it wasn't there. For a split second, I was in panic.
"Speaking of which, it fell to the floor when you bumped into Arnold today," Lila took it out of her pocket and handed it to me, and I snatched it from her hand, panting from the adrenaline rush that loosing it caused me...I don't know how to spell adrenaline, sheesh, what do I look like, a living dictionary? Anyway, Lila went on. "You know, no matter how ever so sweet this whole secret crush thing has been all year that I've been here, Helga, I have to tell you..."
And I knew what was coming. "Oh no, sister, no, you are not getting to me. You don't understand how tumultuous this has been...five, no, six years of my life spent in utter agony. I'm not going to top that all off with the embarrassment of the public announcement that...that..." Ugh...I couldn't even pronounce it.
"Helga, as sympathetic as I may be to your feelings, this situation has gone ever to far," Lila said, bowing her head in partial shame.
I laughed. "Sister, you don't know the half of it. The tortured poetry, the vain plans, the crumbling shrines, the vigils...well, I haven't done those in a while..."
"I'm not talking about that, Helga, I'm talking about between me and Arnold," Lila finally said. Realizing I had said too much, I shut up and listened. "Ever since I moved here, Arnold's been ever so sweet in making sure I was comfortable in everything, but, well, he's really making me uncomfortable presently." Then, she really spilled it. "Even though I told him that I didn't 'like him' like him, and even though he's ever so sweet and kind, I can't take it anymore. The boy's driving me nuts! I mean, I've told him outright, but when is he gonna get the hint."
I chuckled. "The Ol' Football Head's in your hair, huh? Like that's a problem. I could handle that easy," I mused to myself.
"And that's exactly where you come into the picture, Helga." I perked up at this news. "You see, I think Arnold is just what you need, and you're just what he needs, and you as a couple would be ever so sweet. Not to mention I could get on with my life," Lila said, raising her head assertively.
"Yeah right, like Arnoldo would ever go along with that theory," I mumbled to myself.
"Which is exactly why I came to the conclusion that Arnold is sexually frustrated, and he needs an out." Whoa. That took me by surprise.
"Sexually frustrated, huh? Needs an out? And just where does that put me, cupcake? Do I look like a three pronged electrical outlet to you?" I said, little more than defensively.
"No Helga...well, I mean...not like that. I mean, look at Arnold, do you really think he could...oh, never mind," Lila finally gave up in trying to explain. "All I'm saying is this: Arnold needs somebody. I can't be it, and no one else wants to be it but you. Now I've got a proposition that you can't refuse," Lila got really close to me and looked me dead in the eyes. "I get Arnold off my back for good, you get he who you've been pining over for the past six years, Arnold gets the attention he deserves, and we all have our commencement in two years, and we have our whole lives to spend in bliss. Doesn't that sound ever so lovely to you, Helga?"
What could I say, I couldn't refuse. Normally, I would have said something like, 'Are you kidding? Never, ever, am I going to reveal this secret, and neither are you, or I'll carry out my promise and...' but I didn't. I guess all I really wanted was for Arnold to like me, and anything Lila proposed as a sure fire plan was fine by me.
Now, make sure you get this down verbatim...what happens next is truly the stuff of dreams...
Lila's plan was so simple, I was surprised I hadn't though of it myself. Just talk to Arnold and tell him how I feel is what she said. I know it sounds all corny and all anecdotal, but this is what happened in the dream. She stressed to me that it was "imperative" that I do it before the end of the day, or else she would "probably blow a gasket, and I'm afraid that I'd hurt Arnold ever so much if I did." Setting aside the fact that Lila was doing it for her own personal gain, I gave her plan a go.
Okay, I was supposed to find Arnold and act all Arnoldy and stuff...you know, being truthful and honest and everything. Well, I ran into him, and this was at lunch, and so I got great globs of Jell-O in my hair, but I really didn't care. I think that is what surprised Arnold the most. I looked up at him, and I swear I almost cried...until I slapped myself out of all that mushy stuff. Crimity, I hate when that happens!
"Oh, I'm so sorry Helga, are you alright?" Oh, he asked me if I was alright!...Okay, okay, I'm snapping out of it. Jeez...you'd think you weren't used to this already. And so, I shook my head no, and slowly stood. "Helga, I hope this isn't another one of your tricks, because I really don't like when you play with my emotions like that," he said, dusting the Jell-O off of his shirt. Me, play with emotions. Ha!
"Me, play with emotions. Ha...I mean...no. This is the real thing, Arnold..." I looked at him with the most sincerity that I could. Then, I looked for the bench at the far side of the playground. Still not really ready for a public display of any type, I pointed to it. "Here, Football He...I mean, Arnold, you'd better get cozy, this could take a while."
So, I didn't mean to make a big production, but I did. With Lila cheering me on, keeping her fingers crossed. It took me a while to figure out that in reality Lila didn't give a flying hoot about any of us, she just put on that Miss Perfect charade to get exactly what she wanted. Like I said, the girl was good. So anyways, I went into this whole long spiel, recounting the days up to this point in our lives, and I basically relayed in many words to Arnold that I was in love with him, and what was he going to do about it. But, I'm sure you don't want to hear the whole thing...ah, what the hey, like I'll be spilling my guts much more than I already have. Kay, here it goes...
"Arnold, you remember the first day we met...if you don't, I do, because I remember it was the first day of preschool, and Big Bob and Miriam were at home with Olga listening to her play a selection from a concerto or something. Anyway, it was raining outside, and I was soaked...we couldn't have been more than three. And when I got there, you got out of the car, and you gave me your umbrella. And you said you liked my bow because it was the same color as my pants. Remember? And that's when it all began. You are my reason for everything that I do. I had to keep my cover, Arnold, or else everyone would find out. So, for the next six years I never let you know, never let you know how I felt. But let me tell you Arnold, it was me who wrote all of that poetry in that little pink book that you and Gerald found. That was my hair that you traced in the book, and yes I was in your room to witness it. In fact, I've hidden in your room several times and have seen more than I ever hoped to see before age 13...sorry about that. And, it was me who had the locket, and here it is, that you're grandpa wore. It was me whose poem that parrot recited over and over again. That sign that you thought said, 'Arnold loves Lila' actually said, 'Arnold loves Helga,' because I painted it myself. But it's all because I, more so than now, could not tell you the truth. That all of these years I've called you Football Head, and Hair Boy and any other ill conceived name that it would only clog my throat to mention, all of the millions of spit wads, and every years' April Fools tricks, the daily practical jokes, the jeering, the sneering and the teasing, have all been a disguise. You don't understand...I have many other books of poetry, all about you, and they're all in my closet, along with my shrines, and everything. But, I can't get into that now, because recess is almost over and we have to get back to class. I've tried to say it a thousand times...with the kiss in Romeo and Juliet, when I said you were 'okay,' heck, when I dressed up as that French girl Valentines Day. Arnold, I guess what I've been meaning to say is that I really like you, as in 'like you,' like you, as in love you are obsessed with you and want to spend my whole life with you. And, I guess like when I tried to dress up and act and talk like Lila, I'm afraid that you won't like me for who I am, Helga G. Pataki. I mean, my looks I can't change. No matter now much I pluck, this eyebrow keeps coming back, and...I guess it would be more than my eyebrow that scared you away."
Whoa, I told you I wanted to spare you the spiel. So anyway, by this time, everyone in the playground has been drawn to my loud ramblings, and even Patty and Lila who already knew were looking shocked along with the rest. I knew they couldn't believe what they were hearing, after I was denounced as 'not a girl' at the end of the year. And Arnold, poor Arnold, I can just see the look on his face. He was maybe a little less embarrassed than I was. I was so embarrassed, looking at everyone all shocked. Crimity! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I held back tears as I looked around at everyone.
"Well, not that I've got it off my chest, I guess my life's energy expended. I guess I can die now!" Normally, I'm not that dramatic...okay, so I am, sheesh, you know me to well. And I pushed through the crowd, tears streaming down my face, screaming, 'Move it, bucko,' and 'Show's over,' and the like as I choked back my tears until I was out of sight. I didn't go to classes that day, because I went straight home, told Miriam I was sick, and spent the rest of the day in mourning. Mourning about what had been the best kept secret on the planet. And I was feeling...feeling...I can't even describe how I was feeling. I felt like I wanted to kill Lila, that's for sure. I felt like taking those pigtails in my hands, wrapping them around her neck and...gasp...
Yeah, I heard someone knock on my door as soon as I realized I was tying my own hair around my neck. Quickly, I tried to rub my eyes as best as I could before answering the door. "Who is it," I said meekly as I peaked through the crack in the door.
"Um...Helga," ugh...it was just Miriam.
"What do you want, Miriam," I moaned, crawling back to my bed.
"Um, you have a little friend coming to see you. I told them you were sick, but..."
"Yeah, yeah...whatever Mom...you're hogging the air," I figured it was you or something, so I didn't change my position on the bed when...Crimity!...why do you always have to be 'Miss Know-It-All' when it comes to me telling my story. Good for you, you guessed, it, and you get the star for the day.
Yes, if you must know, it was Arnold who walked into my room. School was out, and it was about nine o'clock in the evening. Pretty late. And, man, I must've looked whooped, because Arnold was kind of surprised to see me.
"Hey Helga...your mom let me in. Is that okay?" he asked, ever so earnestly. Oh, stop me now, I'm starting to sound like Lila...
"Yeah, sure, whatever," I said. I mean, I really didn't care anymore.
"You know Helga, I didn't say much to you today, after, well, you know..." and I nodded in recognition, "...because I didn't have much to say. I mean, I truly had no idea that you were so, um, well..."
"Passionate?" I said.
"Yeah, sure," Arnold said, shrugging. Aww...he sat down on my bed next to me. "Anyway, all of this time I thought that you were just a bully, that that's just who you are, and there's nothing that will ever change that. And I thought I was just imagining things when you were so mean to me all the time. And I never...well, I just never." That's what he said.
I waited for him to go on, but he didn't. "Well, if that's all you have to say, Arnold, you can free whatever is in that conscience of yours and go home."
Arnold shook his head. "No Helga, that's not it. I also wanted to say that, well, it was kind of embarrassing, you making a scene like that..."
Okay, now I was enraged. "That's easy for you to say, Arnoldo. You've only just been on the brink of embarrassment today. What about me? I'm the one who didn't want to tell you anything for over six years for fear of what happened today..." I could have gone on, but Arnold anticipated this and held up his hand.
"And I understand that. Well, I guess...what I'm trying to say is...maybe if you would have told me then, or anytime before now, or now even, but maybe a little less dramatically, we would have been cool. I mean, I would have understood everything. The way you act weird when I catch you in the allies, the way you are always showing up in my room, or on my fire escape. I guess what I'm saying is that we could have been friends if you hadn't concealed so much..."
"And I concealed so much because not only did I know it would end in total disaster like today, but also because I was afraid feelings wouldn't be mutual. And now, I'm pretty much sure, I mean, after Ruth and Lila...next thing I know, it will be the Princess Wellington Lloyd."
"You knew about Ruth," Arnold asked in surprise.
"Well doi, Arnold, anyone not blind could tell that you liked Ruth," I responded.
"Well, Helga, maybe if you had just been honest from the beginning, you wouldn't need help from Lila or anyone else getting me to tell you that I like you just the way you are," he said that, poetically. I didn't hear it at first for my ramblings.
"I mean, with Ruth, where were your tastes? Lila, I can respect her. But what about that chick Summer from last summer, I mean, oh boy, Football Head...what, what did you just say," I finally interrupted myself.
"I said, I like you just the way you are. As much as I'd hate to admit it sometimes, you were one of my friends, an indispensable part of PS 118 that I'll cherish for the rest of my life. I mean, I've come to expect you're moodiness at all hours of the day, the confrontations, the spit wads, seeing that pink bow rounding the corner." Ahh...he touched the bow. "You know Helga, I still like that bow. We could have been friends that long ago."
I sighed. "But Arnold, for so long I've wanted to be more than friends. You don't understand...you're the only on who cares about me. Miriam, she tries, but most of the time she lingers on the dim side, you know. And Bob, he'd care if I'd loose the bow, change my name permanently to 'Olga' and start winning trophies all around town. Either that, or be a major market tool for him to sell beepers. And Olga, oh, don't get me started on her..."
"What about Phoebe?" Arnold asked. Oops, oh yeah.
"Well, I suppose Phoebs counts to, but...okay, so I needed two people who cared about me. And before I met Phoebe, it was only you, Arnold. Don't you see? No one else cares if I really die tomorrow...you're the only one that's here!" Arnold got up then, and I swung my legs over to the spot he had warmed on the bed. I knew where he was going...straight to my closet. The notebooks and binders of poetry nearly tumbled him, and the football with feathers of one of my retired shrines bounced out as well.
"Whoa Helga, you weren't kidding about this stuff," Arnold looked in amazement back at me. I shook my head. "Have you ever considered getting help for this?"
"I visit Dr. Bliss, occasionally, but only when I feel like it. But I don't feel I really need a shrink, Arnoldo. What do I look like here, some sort of freak." I caught myself. "Don't answer that."
Arnold returned to his seat and sat down, and I sat up to stretch my legs. "Well, before I came here, I had a long hard talk with my grandpa, and after all of the 'I told you so's,' and 'I can't believe the little girl with the pink bow and the one eyebrow did that,' he gave me some pretty lousy advice. So, I really don't know what to do in a situation like this." Arnold looked at me, I looked at him. We stared at each other for a long time. Then, I came up with a solution.
"Well, we could both bury our heads in shame, and go back to school on Monday with paper sacks on our heads, never complete grade school and go on to become professional hermits," I proposed.
"How about not," Arnold said. I nodded on that. "How about I just let you go on to rest or something, I mean, you look pretty bad," Arnold suggested.
"Just crying over you Arnold, just crying over you," I said, a tear welling up in my eyes. So, Arnold stood to leave, and if that wasn't enough, he came back, and he...shut-up...kissed me! Aww...no, nothing else happened. Jeez, lets not get X-rated here. And it was just on my cheek, thank you very much. And thank goodness...I had eaten a bag of Doritos before he came and I'm sure my breath wreaked to high heaven. Well, maybe not...but it sure wouldn't have tasted good.
He didn't even leave yet when I woke up. And all I saw was the shadow, the shadow of his football head. The same shadow that for years I eyed, cast upon my desk, that moved as the sun heightened in the sky. Ahh...and for once, he was my Football Head. I hope you got this all down, Phoebs...what do I need to be thanking you for...I'm sure you wanted to get the scoop on my dream or whatever. Speaking of which, Phoebe, for some reason I can't remember what we did at all yesterday...It's like its been completely flushed. I guess that dream was powerful. What'd Simmons dish out for...what! You weren't there yesterday...the flu, in the spring? Well Jeez Phoebs, if you had told me you were sick I wouldn't held you so long...I hope germs don't come through the phone. Yeah, I'll let you go, I think Miriam's calling me anyway. Yeah, bye.
"Um...Helga, are you up yet."
"Yeah, I'm trying Miriam...don't rush me."
"Well, I hope you're feeling better from yesterday. When you fell, you made quite the bang. It woke up you're father."
"Miriam, I did not fall yesterday...wait a minute, or did I? What exactly happened to me yesterday."
"Helga, dear, I have no idea. But that's not important now. You're little friend, I forget the name, says he's been waiting to call you, so pick up the phone...or something."
"Brilliant advice, Mom...wait a minute...he? Oh no, it can't be...I'll get the phone."
"Hello, who is it?"
"Helga, it's me, Arnold. Listen, I'm sorry about yesterday. I never expected you to faint like that." Thump. "Helga, Helga, are you there..."