Suns
Disclaimer: I do not own Furuba.
SPOILERS: for the Akito revelation in the manga
xOx
The sun was flaming red when it set that evening.
Akito had watched it fall from the sky, sitting in the exact same spot since late afternoon, listlessly staring at the bright ball of burning gases as it slowly seemed to be extinguished, leaving the world to the care of darkness. Akito often wondered why the sun even tried anymore– her world was in darkness even when the sun was shining brightest. She felt a thrill at the way the oranges and reds and golden, golden strands of sky seemed to pool at the horizon like blood– like blood dripping from a sun that was dying. On that particular evening she had paused her mindless staring to wonder if the sun would come back up the next morning– or if maybe for once the blood was real.
It may not have surprised anyone to learn that Akito and her mother had fought earlier that afternoon.
Calling on her last reserve of energy, Akito stood. She looked at the sky for another long moment before stiffly bowing, a gesture of parting and respect to the sky. To the sun, who, like her, had once– long ago– been worshiped.
She yawned. Then grumpily muttered to herself "I don't want to go to sleep. I'm not tired." That was a lie; she knew it was a lie. She was very tired.
The things that watching the death of another sun had allowed her to temporarily forget came rushing back into her, filling every crevice of her mind with a new wave of the psychological trauma that was still, even though she was a grown woman, largely Ren-induced. Akito hated her mother. Ren made her feel like a child. Akito wondered why her body had grown at all– she imagined it would have been easier for all involved if she had remained young: no real comprehension of all the agony she endured, and a physical form still undeveloped enough to pretend that she was just a misshapen boy.
Akito hated her mother; Ren reminded her that she was still a child.
Hot tears dripped down Akito's face as she stared at the floor with a fixed, unfocused gaze. Why was the world so unfair? What had she ever done to deserve the harshness life threw at her? Admittedly, she had taken out her anger on others frequently. And she had no self control, no empathy, a too-great sense of self worth, and she was completely oblivious to the needs and wants of others. She knew that on many occasions she had been wrong. She had done the wrong thing, traveled down the wrong path. And for the first time in her life she was realizing that actions have consequences.
Akito clenched her fists tightly as she choked back a sob. She sank to the floor, her knees folded under her. And she wept– the dam broke and she wept, tears falling with all the ease of a summer rain. The fight with her mother had been too much for her already fragile sense of sanity, and she was plunged into madness.
There had been so much screaming...
"You're nothing," Ren said ferociously, slapping Akito across the face. "Not even your precious zodiac care about you any more. What are you going to do about it, hmm Akito? Are you going to scream? Are you going to cry? Are you going to hit me? Do you want to hurt me?" She smiled, a manic gleam in her wild eyes. "I can feel your rage; I know how badly you want to hurt me. I think you want me to die. How cruel you are– I can't imagine why you feel that way."
"Shut up!" Akito yelled back at her mother, putting her hands over her ears. "Stop it; just stop it! I don't want to listen to you anymore; I don't have to listen to this filth you're spouting! They love me! I know they love me! Don't you dare tell me otherwise!"
"Oh, they do love you, do they?" Ren asked with a cruel sneer. "Then why aren't they here defending you? Why do they all run away? They don't care about you, Akito; they don't care! If they cared, if they really loved you, don't you think they'd act like it? But they don't– because they all hate you. Why did Hatori want to marry that other woman? In fact, why do they all love someone else? Why did Yuki leave you? And..." She smirked. "Why does Kureno stay? You know it's because he pities you. There is no love there; only pity." The way she said the word made it seem like a disease. "And..." Ren looked Akito straight in the eye and smiled. Akito's stomach turned at the expression. "If they all truly love you, then why did Shigure sleep with... me?"
Akito's lip trembled as tears welled up in her eyes.
Shaking her head to try and rid herself of the memory, Akito tugged at her hair, rocking back and forth on the floor. "I hate her so much," she murmured to herself. "So much; so much..."
"No!" Akito screamed. "He does love me; he does!" Her voice was hoarse with desperation and anger.
"He doesn't love you," Ren sneered. "You're nothing to him. You think you're a God? You're not even a proper woman. You're a poor, pathetic boy."
"No!" Akito screamed, her voice as loud as she make it. "No! I'm not! I'M NOT!"
"You are," Ren said firmly, her voice level and her expression calm. "You... Are."
Akito began to cry, shaking her head as the tears scattered down her cheeks. "No! I... I am a woman! I am!" She sobbed weakly, squeezing her eyes shut. "I... I hate you," she whispered defeatedly. "I hate you so much." Her head shot up and she looked straight at Ren, pure unadulterated hatred in her eyes. "You're right; I do wish you were dead! I wish you weren't my mother! What daughter deserves to be treated like this by the one person who's supposed to love her most in the world?"
Ren blinked, totally unfazed. And then she delivered the killing blow. "Daughter? I don't have a daughter; I only have a son."
At that, Akito backed away, a stricken expression on her face. She shook her head, hardly believing what her mother had said. It was cutting her, even after the words had faded from the air, their intent was hot and strong and like a knife tearing her heart into a bloody mess of pain. She backed away further, trying to escape. But then she stumbled and fell to the ground. "No," she whispered weakly, trembling madly. "No... NOO!"
She put her face in her hands and began to bawl, crying like a small child who hasn't yet learned to cope with any sort of pain.
Ren stood there, watching her with a smug smile. She walked over and knelt down beside Akito. "You'll stop filling your head with these silly notions now, won't you?" she asked. "You'll be a good obedient son." She put her hand on her weeping daughter's back.
Akito nodded through her tears. "Y-yes," she said, her voice weak and shaking. "I'll... I'll be a g-good son."
Ren had left after that, and Akito had retreated to a remote corner where she had remained, staring at the dying sky. That was the last straw; she didn't want to take anymore.
She wiped her face and stood up. The light in the room was dim and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust. There was only one thing left to do– only one thing she could think of to do to help herself forget her mother and end all the pain...
Nothing can follow you in death, after all.
xOx
Hatori shook his head and put out his cigarette. "What is it this time?" he asked tiredly.
The servant who had come to him looked away worriedly. "It's... I don't think this is like all the other times," she said nervously. "Akito-san is... He's gone crazy. He won't let anyone in and he keeps screaming and..." She lowered her voice. "I think he's going to try to kill himself."
That got Hatori's attention. "What?" he asked sharply, looking at the woman fiercely. "Take me to him." She just stood there dumbly. "Right now, damn it! Where is he? I want you to show me where he is immediately!"
The woman nodded. "O-of course, Hatori-san; p-please follow me!" She quickly led the way to the Sohma head, through twisting corridors and dark, depressing rooms. Hatori stopped quickly when he heard Akito's voice raised loud and clear, cutting through the air like a rusty knife.
"Leave me alone!" she screamed. "I want all of you to go away!"
"Akito-san," Hatori said, his voice tinged with respect and masked concern, "It's me– what's wrong? Why won't you let anyone see you? What are you doing in there?"
For a moment there was silence. "G-go away, Hatori," Akito said haltingly, her voice quaking and rough. "I don't want to see you; I never want to see any of you again! I don't want to have to deal with any of this anymore; I just... want to... I want..." He hear a muffled sound that was suspiciously like crying. "I don't know what I want, alright?" Akito screamed. "But I know it isn't here! I'm not happy; I'll never be happy! And I can't take this anymore. I can't... I can't!"
"Oh no," Hatori whispered to himself, feeling the sharp edge of realization starting to set it. His goddess was serious.
He glanced around at the four servants beside him, who had all been trying to coax Akito out for a good fifteen minutes. He pointed to one. "You– go call Shigure and tell him to get over here immediately." The woman nodded quickly and ran towards the nearest phone. Hatori glared at the rest of them. "And the rest of you get out of here. I don't want any of you disturbing him! I'll take care of Akito myself."
They shuffled back deferentially before disappearing altogether. Hatori leaned against the wall for a moment and tried to breathe.
"Akito," he said quietly, "I'm coming in."
He pushed open the door and cautiously stepped inside. He saw his goddess huddled in the corner of the room, her face streaked with tears. Her fingers were holding onto her knees, white from gripping so tightly.
"Akito," he said again, walking towards her slowly, "tell me what's wrong."
She shook her head stubbornly. "No."
He sat down beside her, tense and fully aware of just how precarious the situation was. "I can't help you," he said slowly, "unless you tell me what's upset you."
She turned her head to look at him with wet, tired eyes. Almost as though seeing him for the first time, she slowly reached out and grabbed his sleeve. As though telling him some profound secret, she leaned in to whisper, "I hate her."
Ahh. Ren. Hatori inwardly grimaced, feeling foolish for not figuring it out before. For whatever reason, the animosity between Akito and her mother had been increasing rapidly. There was always tension there, but if Ren had said something to her daughter to push her over the edge...
And that was when he saw the blood.
"Akito," he said softly, her name leaving a bitter taste in his mouth, "oh damn it all, Akito, what have you done?"
She pulled down the heavy, loose sleeve of her kimono and showed him the long, thin cut starting at her wrist and going three inches down her arm. She smiled, a perverse expression of glee. "I thought... That maybe I wouldn't have to hurt anymore."
It had already stopped bleeding, he saw, but he still couldn't believe that she had actually considered killing herself. She wasn't in any danger– obviously she had only cut deep enough to just pierce the skin. He tried to keep his composure, even though his insides were trembling with an onslaught of panic. "Why did you do that?" he asked. "What did you think that it would accomplish?"
"Sh-shut up, Hatori!" she yelled angrily, suddenly turning off her pitiful wallowing. "Don't you dare try to admonish me! Don't you dare judge me! This is my life, and if I choose to end it, then..." She squeezed her eyes shut and turned her head away. Awkwardly, she raised herself up off the floor, standing on shaky feet. "I am God," she said fervently. "And the final decision is mine alone to make."
He started to get up as well, but she noticed and snarled at him. "Stay away from me!" she screamed, backing away. "Don't come near me!" She scanned the floor hurriedly. Finding whatever it was she was looking for, she bent over. Hatori saw her pick up a knife, the blade not quite completely clean.
"I'll do it," she said quietly– seriously. She held the knife above her chest. "Don't... Don't think I won't, Hatori. I'm tired. I'm so tired. And I just want some fucking rest."
She raised the knife higher, and a split-second too late Hatori realized what she was going to do. He got up just as the blade rushed down towards her chest. He had to get to her; he had to stop her. Time slowed down immeasurable as he achingly tore towards her, knowing that those few steps could mean her end– or a new beginning. If he could reach her...
But he never made it. He was halfway to her when Akito gasped, and the knife fell with a clatter out of her hand. He stared at it for a minute, resting silver-smooth and calm on the floor. Then he noticed Akito's wide, fearful eyes.
He turned to see what had made her stop.
Shigure stood in the doorway, staring at Akito intently, anguish written all over his face.
Akito backed away further, her mouth moving over silent words. "No... Sh-Shigure... Why are... Y-you're... You're here. Did you come to watch me die? Did you come to celebrate? To join Ren and rejoice that I'm out of your way forever?" She hiccuped a sob, her whole body beginning to shake. Her breathing was becoming rapid, and her chest rose with each new, shallow gulp of air.
Shigure hesitantly stretched out a hand. "Akito..." he whispered. The shock of hearing his voice seemed to be too much for her, and she fell ungracefully to the floor.
Shigure ran past Hatori and threw himself onto Akito. He pulled her into his body, though she flayed around, trying to get away. He whispered something Hatori couldn't hear into her ear, and that seemed to relax her a little. She let out a wail, then started to cry and wrapped her arms around him. He kissed her hair and held her like she would fly away if he let her go. Shigure was trembling harder than she was.
Silently, Hatori walked over to them and knelt down beside Shigure. Not letting go of Akito, the dog turned to look at the dragon. "What... what happened?" Shigure asked the doctor quietly, already half-knowing the answer.
Hatori looked at him gravely, trying to gauge his cousin's feelings. "She was going to kill herself." Shigure pulled her closer and his grip became tighter. "You came just in time– I wouldn't have been able to stop her."
Shigure seemed to take the information in stride, pulling Akito into his lap and laying his cheek gently on the top of her head. Hatori watched the two for a moment, the concern and love emanating from Shigure almost tangible. He shook his head worriedly. He sat down and scooted up behind Akito and put his arms around her, too.
Still crying, she couldn't tell them how she felt, how much it meant to her that they were there, real and warm and holding her so she wouldn't disappear. Because she was sure she was going to disappear without them.
"I was going to die," Akito said quietly, feeling the dried-on tears covering her face. "I was going to die." She snuggled into Shigure, looking for more warmth. Suddenly, she began laughing– not joyfully, but pitifully and coldly and wildly. It was manic. "I was going to die– I was going to make sure I died!" She laughed harder, her small body shaking with the efforts of her misplaced mirth. "I was going to take that knife and push it into my body. Dead, dead, dead– I would have been dead." She lifted her head and smiled at Shigure, not even noticing the horror-stricken expression on his face. "Without you, my darling Shigure– I would have been bleeding and bleeding and bleeding now."
Shigure grabbed onto Hatori's forearm, telling him in that one gesture that he wasn't sure he could save her on his own– that he needed the support.
The three stayed like that for a long time. Akito had finally settled down, keeping her outbursts to small breaks of quite sobbing. There was still so much pain, but Akito no longer felt so very desperate to escape from it. Life had never been good to her, but no matter how broken she was there had always been someone there to glue her pieces back together again. She sat, sandwiched between the two men, crying and holding on desperately to her sanity.
After all, in a few hours the sun would rise again.
xX :end: Xx
Thank you for reading. I tried my best to keep Akito in character, even while she was in the throes of such emotional turmoil. I usually write more happy-happy-fluffy stuff, so this was quite a venture for me. Kristine x3 beta-ed the original for me, but I decided to rewrite just about everything. However, she was very encouraging in my first attempt at this sort of fic, so I had to credit. Thanks! Please leave a review; I'm nervous about how I did, so feedback would be very helpful.