Kizutsuku koto wa kowakunai
Dakedo kesshite tsuyokunai...
[I'm not afraid of being hurt
But I'm not strong at all...]
(Give a Reason, the Slayers Next OP)
---@--@--@--@--@ @--@--@--@--@--@---
This is my first Slayers fic, so please be gentle.
^_^;
Major spoilers for the final episode of Slayers Next
ahoy. Although this fic is modest, it does deal with
the aftermath of that final episode. DON'T read if
you don't want to get spoiled.
And Xellos is God.
So there. :)
---
KOWAKUNAI
(I'm Not Afraid)
a Slayers Next fan-fiction by Jennifer A. Wand
---
It's a mild night, the kind that's suited for
a quiet lake and a gentle campfire. I feel the
flickers of the flames behind me, warming my back,
and the edges of my cloak fly off to the side as the
wind gusts by. From this grassy ledge the lake lies
lazily all the way to the horizon. Like a great open
eye, gazing into and reflecting the stars of the
night.
I draw my knees to my chest and stare out at
it. Nights like this I never feel quite like myself.
Either that, or I feel more myself than I usually do.
Wind and water strip me of my masks, of my armor,
and leave me no more than a vulnerable girl, just
like any other girl, alone in the night.
Dimly I hear murmurs from within the tent.
Amelia's talking in her sleep. Speaking of little
girls... She's going to drive me to murder one of
these days, I just know it. I wonder if I could get
off with an insanity plea if I murder her in my
sleep? Tee-hee. Still, I'm glad she's sleeping
tonight. It's been the first night in a little while
for her, really. None of us have quite been able to
sleep right since this last battle ended. Me least
of all.
Me least of all, and everybody knows it.
They've been walking on eggshells around me, all of
them. They don't want to dare ask. Not that a
person can just go up and say, "So, Lina, how is it
to be possessed and consumed by the source of all
chaos in the universe? Enquiring minds want to
know!" But the way they look at me, it's like
they're still scared. Scared because they watched
my body attempt to destroy the world? Scared because
they're not sure if she'll come back, or how I've
been changed by it all? Hardly matters. It's like
I can't even look at any of them any more.
Except one.
I lean back into the strong arms that
suddenly circle my shoulders. He smells clean, like
the forest, and the wind blows blond hairs into my
face. This has to be perfect comfort... I giggle
softly. He strokes my hair. "Again?" he mumbles,
kissing the back of my head softly.
"Sorry," I say. "Lots to think about."
"I know," he answers. "I leave the thinking
part to you."
"And a good thing, too." I mutter.
"Ouch." He winces dramatically.
I stick out my tongue at him. "I wouldn't
say it if it weren't true, ya know."
"I know, I know." He gives one of his guilty
grins. "That's what I figure, you can be smart
enough for the both of us."
I turn to him. The smell of the air is
heady, and I feel a little more girlish than usual.
I reach out and run a hand through his hair. "You're
not so bad," I say pensively. "Sometimes, you
understand things I don't."
"Huh?"
"Ne-ver-minnnnd." I tug his hair sharply,
making him yelp. His helplessness is really kind of
funny. Almost cute... it makes me soften again,
gives me the patience to explain to him. "What I
mean is, sometimes things get so complicated, and I
get all frustrated with it. But you only see what
you see, nothing else. You don't know how to
compromise what you think or feel. So the real
important stuff never gets left out. You know?"
He's still working on the second sentence.
"But how can I see what I don't see? I'm
confused..."
I give him a whack on the head and tell
him to forget about it. "For Pete's sake. You're
so dumb, you don't even know when you're being
smart." My tone's annoyed, but I can't stop smiling.
"Well..." He grins. "I suppose I'll leave
that part to you too."
"It's a good deal," I say, leaning in to his
embrace. He's so warm. "You just keep being strong
enough for the both of us, and I'll take care of the
thinking part."
"Somehow I don't think that's fair," he
muses. "You're strong too. You're probably stronger
than me, what with your spells and all."
I giggle. "I'm not so strong that you don't
think I need a protector."
"Hey, look," he says in a hurt voice. "I
thought we already decided that's just for in front
of the others."
"True, true." Somehow I've wrapped my arms
around him, and we're holding each other tight. A
wave of how good it feels to be this near him washes
over me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the last
dying embers of the fire catch the wind. I feel
warmer than I ever have.
"I mean, if they ever found out we do
remember what happened up there, they'd really get on
our case," he continues.
"Don't remind me," I say flatly.
This is why I can still talk to him, when
it's so hard to face everyone else. Gourry is the
only one who knows what really happened at that
time. Everyone else saw me disappear, saw the ground
tear up beneath a ball of darkness that threatened to
swell and explode, consuming the whole earth. And
though they were saved, they don't know how.
But for him and for me, that time was not a
near-death experience of torture and destruction.
Though horrors surrounded it, the moment he flew up
to find me was the happiest in my life. I felt a
wave of pure emotion drawing me back from oblivion,
tying me to this world. And I heard her whisper
that she had chosen me over herself. Then my vision
returned, and I awoke to the most welcome sight in
the world.
For Gourry and for me, that time of
destruction and rebirth is no more than a backdrop.
The true significance of it all is that on that day,
we knew we were in love.
Time will heal the scars on the minds of my
friends, and soon we'll be traveling again like
nothing has changed. I look forward to that. But
something will have changed. I have gained a lover,
the most important person in the world to me. And
now I know for sure he will always be by my side.
Oblivion can yield eternity. I was granted a
forever by a being of ultimate chaos. That's how I
know this will last. She never would have given up
for anything less than that. A security and
confidence I've never known before has made its way
into my life. There is nothing I'm scared of now.
--
I don't see many serious Slayers 'fics that actually
take a look into the characters' minds and deal with
the impact of various events in the series. But IMHO
the characters in Slayers are ten times deeper than
the Ranma characters, and everyone writes such hugely
intellectual fics about them.
And I just couldn't believe they were gonna let that
nice mushy bit of "fan service" (so to speak) in the
final episode of Next get lost as a forgotten moment.
Bad enough they cut right away from it. C'mon, now!!
And in case you've forgotten, remember: Xellos is God.
Just don't tell him, or he won't be able to hang out
with himself.
'Til then...
Dakedo kesshite tsuyokunai...
[I'm not afraid of being hurt
But I'm not strong at all...]
(Give a Reason, the Slayers Next OP)
---@--@--@--@--@ @--@--@--@--@--@---
This is my first Slayers fic, so please be gentle.
^_^;
Major spoilers for the final episode of Slayers Next
ahoy. Although this fic is modest, it does deal with
the aftermath of that final episode. DON'T read if
you don't want to get spoiled.
And Xellos is God.
So there. :)
---
KOWAKUNAI
(I'm Not Afraid)
a Slayers Next fan-fiction by Jennifer A. Wand
---
It's a mild night, the kind that's suited for
a quiet lake and a gentle campfire. I feel the
flickers of the flames behind me, warming my back,
and the edges of my cloak fly off to the side as the
wind gusts by. From this grassy ledge the lake lies
lazily all the way to the horizon. Like a great open
eye, gazing into and reflecting the stars of the
night.
I draw my knees to my chest and stare out at
it. Nights like this I never feel quite like myself.
Either that, or I feel more myself than I usually do.
Wind and water strip me of my masks, of my armor,
and leave me no more than a vulnerable girl, just
like any other girl, alone in the night.
Dimly I hear murmurs from within the tent.
Amelia's talking in her sleep. Speaking of little
girls... She's going to drive me to murder one of
these days, I just know it. I wonder if I could get
off with an insanity plea if I murder her in my
sleep? Tee-hee. Still, I'm glad she's sleeping
tonight. It's been the first night in a little while
for her, really. None of us have quite been able to
sleep right since this last battle ended. Me least
of all.
Me least of all, and everybody knows it.
They've been walking on eggshells around me, all of
them. They don't want to dare ask. Not that a
person can just go up and say, "So, Lina, how is it
to be possessed and consumed by the source of all
chaos in the universe? Enquiring minds want to
know!" But the way they look at me, it's like
they're still scared. Scared because they watched
my body attempt to destroy the world? Scared because
they're not sure if she'll come back, or how I've
been changed by it all? Hardly matters. It's like
I can't even look at any of them any more.
Except one.
I lean back into the strong arms that
suddenly circle my shoulders. He smells clean, like
the forest, and the wind blows blond hairs into my
face. This has to be perfect comfort... I giggle
softly. He strokes my hair. "Again?" he mumbles,
kissing the back of my head softly.
"Sorry," I say. "Lots to think about."
"I know," he answers. "I leave the thinking
part to you."
"And a good thing, too." I mutter.
"Ouch." He winces dramatically.
I stick out my tongue at him. "I wouldn't
say it if it weren't true, ya know."
"I know, I know." He gives one of his guilty
grins. "That's what I figure, you can be smart
enough for the both of us."
I turn to him. The smell of the air is
heady, and I feel a little more girlish than usual.
I reach out and run a hand through his hair. "You're
not so bad," I say pensively. "Sometimes, you
understand things I don't."
"Huh?"
"Ne-ver-minnnnd." I tug his hair sharply,
making him yelp. His helplessness is really kind of
funny. Almost cute... it makes me soften again,
gives me the patience to explain to him. "What I
mean is, sometimes things get so complicated, and I
get all frustrated with it. But you only see what
you see, nothing else. You don't know how to
compromise what you think or feel. So the real
important stuff never gets left out. You know?"
He's still working on the second sentence.
"But how can I see what I don't see? I'm
confused..."
I give him a whack on the head and tell
him to forget about it. "For Pete's sake. You're
so dumb, you don't even know when you're being
smart." My tone's annoyed, but I can't stop smiling.
"Well..." He grins. "I suppose I'll leave
that part to you too."
"It's a good deal," I say, leaning in to his
embrace. He's so warm. "You just keep being strong
enough for the both of us, and I'll take care of the
thinking part."
"Somehow I don't think that's fair," he
muses. "You're strong too. You're probably stronger
than me, what with your spells and all."
I giggle. "I'm not so strong that you don't
think I need a protector."
"Hey, look," he says in a hurt voice. "I
thought we already decided that's just for in front
of the others."
"True, true." Somehow I've wrapped my arms
around him, and we're holding each other tight. A
wave of how good it feels to be this near him washes
over me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the last
dying embers of the fire catch the wind. I feel
warmer than I ever have.
"I mean, if they ever found out we do
remember what happened up there, they'd really get on
our case," he continues.
"Don't remind me," I say flatly.
This is why I can still talk to him, when
it's so hard to face everyone else. Gourry is the
only one who knows what really happened at that
time. Everyone else saw me disappear, saw the ground
tear up beneath a ball of darkness that threatened to
swell and explode, consuming the whole earth. And
though they were saved, they don't know how.
But for him and for me, that time was not a
near-death experience of torture and destruction.
Though horrors surrounded it, the moment he flew up
to find me was the happiest in my life. I felt a
wave of pure emotion drawing me back from oblivion,
tying me to this world. And I heard her whisper
that she had chosen me over herself. Then my vision
returned, and I awoke to the most welcome sight in
the world.
For Gourry and for me, that time of
destruction and rebirth is no more than a backdrop.
The true significance of it all is that on that day,
we knew we were in love.
Time will heal the scars on the minds of my
friends, and soon we'll be traveling again like
nothing has changed. I look forward to that. But
something will have changed. I have gained a lover,
the most important person in the world to me. And
now I know for sure he will always be by my side.
Oblivion can yield eternity. I was granted a
forever by a being of ultimate chaos. That's how I
know this will last. She never would have given up
for anything less than that. A security and
confidence I've never known before has made its way
into my life. There is nothing I'm scared of now.
--
I don't see many serious Slayers 'fics that actually
take a look into the characters' minds and deal with
the impact of various events in the series. But IMHO
the characters in Slayers are ten times deeper than
the Ranma characters, and everyone writes such hugely
intellectual fics about them.
And I just couldn't believe they were gonna let that
nice mushy bit of "fan service" (so to speak) in the
final episode of Next get lost as a forgotten moment.
Bad enough they cut right away from it. C'mon, now!!
And in case you've forgotten, remember: Xellos is God.
Just don't tell him, or he won't be able to hang out
with himself.
'Til then...