Based on my perceptions of how the spoilers could be interpreted. New to this site and style of writing.
Overcoming Gravity.
Natalia looked out the window, watching Olivia arrive at the farmhouse. From the moment she saw her friend, gripping the steering wheel and staring out into space, she knew something was wrong. She made her way to the doorway and opened the screen door, stood, waited, but still there was no movement by the other woman. Finally, Natalia stepped out onto the porch, advancing just a few steps and waved to her.
Noticing her friend in the distance, Olivia finally seemed to breath, lowered her shoulders and opened the door. She didn't want to get out of the car, but she knew she had to make the effort to speak to her friend. She felt tense and immobile, as if heavy shackles bound her feet. The expression she wore on her face, a hardened, almost frozen scowl, was enough to prevent Natalia from advancing any closer.
Natalia's brow furrowed as she asked with noticeable trepidation "Liv, what's wrong?"
Olivia made her way to the porch steps, where she stopped. With her tear filled, red, swollen eyes, she looked toward the horizon, where the sun was just beginning to set. She could not manage to look directly at her friend. "I slept with Josh" was all she said. The way she said it, his name seemed to dissolve into the air around them.
The two women stood in silence, neither knowing how to react. Just a few weeks earlier, they had admitted their affection for each other, but neither had made a move to advance the budding relationship. Now, as the fading sun allowed a late spring chill to creep over them, this startling revelation was hung heavily between the two women.
Olivia had been petrified of pushing Natalia too quickly, given all of the complications in her friend's life. She said she would wait for her, that Natalia was worth waiting for in the end. But the truth was that she, too, was afraid to move too quickly. There was a part of her that still felt that it was absurd to feel so strongly for another woman, and she wanted to feel positively sure that this investment of her heart was something she really desired. She was grateful for her friendship with Natalia, but when she sat alone in her room at the Beacon, she wondered if she really could give up relationships with men. Her doubt in her own feelings was enough to quell the other part of her that wanted to entertain this new Sapphic relationship with Natalia.
For Natalia, the fear of revealing her new-found love to her grown son Rafe was overwhelming and probably the most frightening thing she could ever foresee doing in her life. The problems he had developed after his stint in prison were becoming more and more apparent. Not only could he not find a job, but he seemed distant, angry, and mysterious when he took off on long runs across the countryside. She found him one day in the barn, smashing an old tractor with a baseball bat. His anger was so profound and intense that she was unable to stop him. She merely hid in the distance, watching in horror as her son angrily beat the tractor with all of his strength. When she first mentioned this to Frank, she was unprepared for his response. He told that there was always the potential in prison for all sorts of deviant behavior. Prisoners exchanged all sorts of favors for things they needed. He was uncomfortable discussing this with her, of course, and didn't speak about much in detail, but he planted the thought in Natalia's head that made her suspect that her son may have been molested or worse, while incarcerated. Such wicked, sick thoughts were extremely difficult for her to fathom. While she loved her friend Olivia, she couldn't even begin to discuss these feelings to her son, if he was harboring anguish from abuse. Revealing her new feelings for Olivia would probably be too upsetting to him.
Beyond that, she was emotionally a mess with her own hormones running amuck. All week long she felt nauseas, and suspected that she might be pregnant with Frank's child. She had regretted the night she slept with him, so many weeks ago, and now she wondered if she could bear the consequences of that one night.
Natalia kept all of her suspicions from Olivia but at that very moment felt transparent standing in front of her. "I don't know what to say," she said a sad, quiet voice.
Olivia was the first to speak. "It didn't mean anything. He stopped to help me with my car and before I knew it, we were kissing, which led to…" She broke away from this thought and looked at Natalia's feet. Before she could say anymore, those same feet had turned and began walking away from her, toward the door of the house. The shattering of glass inside followed the slamming of the screen door.
Olivia stood for a moment listening for more stuff to break, but there was an eerie silence in the darkening house.
She walked into the house to find Natalia sitting on the couch holding her head in her hands. Her body was simultaneously shaking and sobbing, with her long hair cascading over her fingers. "It's not going to work!" She concluded in anguish. "This thing between us has all been in my head. Why did I think this could work? Why? Why?"
Olivia felt the grinding of glass beneath her feet as she approached. "I love you, Natalia. I love you with all of my heart. I'm not sure why I slept with Josh, but it felt so good to finally have the attention of someone. To have them make an advance, to feel them close. To smell them, hold them,and be held. Josh doesn't mean anything to me." And then she found herself snickering at her next realization. "Men don't mean anything to me, but I 've got to admit that I enjoyed the sex. I enjoyed what we did and I felt needed." Her voice sounded more like a plea than an explanation. " I need you to need me, but we just can't seem to take that last step."
Natalia looked up at her and weeped. "I'm not like that. I don't jump into relationships like you. To me nothing means nothing." And then she continued "You know I've had trouble telling Rafe about how I feel towards you. I almost half think he knows, but I haven't been able to tell him because he's struggling with so much."
As she found herself midway through this explanation, she paused and realized that she didn't have to explain herself. She was the one that had been wronged by Olivia. Olivia made her way to the couch and sat beside her friend in the now darkened room. She reached for her hand and held it gently for a brief moment before the hand pulled away.
"Olivia, please go" she mumbled as she turned her head.
But Olivia couldn't find the strength to stand. Instead, Natalia raised her own body, stopped in the doorway before ascending the stairs and asked again if her friend would leave. Then she made her way up the steps and closed her bedroom door.
Olivia found herself alone in the dark and quiet. She regretted telling Natalia what happened, but she knew she could never keep her transgression a secret. Her intentions were not to hurt her friend, yet she had hurt her. The guilt and sadness she felt were tearing her apart inside and made her feel heavy, as if the force of gravity pulled at her ten times more than normal. As she finally stood up, she glanced at the stairs and decided she couldn't leave under these circumstances. She would have to overcome gravity.
She knocked on the door but received no answer. "Natalia", she whispered in a stage tone, "I can't leave just yet," and with these words, she gently pried the door open. Natalia lay on the bed, oriented face down but with her head looking towards the window and the fading light along the horizon.
"I told you to leave" she whispered back. "Please go."
But Olivia walked forward into the room, tripping on something sitting on the floor. It must have been a large pillow she thought, as she staggered. She fell down, stopping herself from slamming in to table next to the bed. As she recovered, she reached up to turn on the light, and there, next to the alarm clock and two pictures of Rafe and Emma and Olivia sat a home pregnancy test.
"Oh my god!" she exclaimed. "Are you pregnant?"
Natalia looked up, squinting from the light. "I asked you to leave, Olivia. Please! Things are difficult enough!" She paused for a second and confirmed, "I may be pregnant; I haven't yet taken the test!"
Olivia couldn't leave. The thought of Natalia being pregnant hit her like a ton of bricks. "You weren't going to tell me?" she asked shocked. At once she picked up on a double standard between them. Suddenly, she was irked, and flushed with the rage of jealousy. She wondered how Natalia could be mad at her for her encounter when she herself might be carrying Frank's baby?
Natalia grabbed the package from Olivia's hands and added, "Besides, it's none of your business. I just couldn't bring myself to take the test yet."
"I have an affair with Josh, and you sleep with Frank! Aren't we even?" Olivia coldly blurted out.
A pause ensured and then Natalia, in the most refrained voice she could generate said "I was his fiancée, Olivia. We, you and I, weren't a couple at that point. We hadn't committed to anything yet."
"We never committed to anything! And this thing between us? I haven't quite figured out what it is yet!" Olivia was getting hot but at the same time, another voice was screaming inside of her that Natalia might be pregnant. She shook her head at this point and her voice became slightly more calm. "You knew I had feelings for you, even then, when you were supposed to marry Captain Frank. You had feelings for me. Have you forgotten that night when you came home crying to me? Apologizing as if you had cheated on me?"
They sat in silence looking at each other. What else could they do?
Suddenly tears once again began to pour down Olivia's face, and she grew quite emotional. She thought to herself about Natallia being pregnant and raising another child together with her. "I'm sorry!" she choked. "Please forgive me!" She made herself prostrate on the bed, placing her head on Natalia's outstretched body. Her cold demeanor melted as tears ran down her cheeks. She crumbled and shook, sobbing while pleading for forgiveness.
Natalia ran her fingers through Olivia's hair, gently combing them away from her face. She was crying, herself, while stroking her friends head, "I've been scared to death you would leave me. I've wanted to move on to the next step with you, but I've been scared to do that too. I'm scared to death that I'm pregnant and would have to have more of a relationship with someone I don't love, and I'm scared to death that my son may have been violated when he was in prison." With the four big admissions out in the open she sighed and wiped her own face.
Olivia's breath stopped. Her neck tightened and she lifted her head from Natalia's lap. "My God!" was all she could utter at first. She stared at the woman opposite of her aghast. "I don't want to leave you! I want you to love me with as much passion as I have for you. I was full of doubts, wanting to be with a man again, wanting attention, just wanting, but all I've really wanted is you."
She violently breathed and continued. "I was dead wrong! I shouldn't have thought that what we had done was the same. You were his fiancée and I was selfish. Please, please, please forgive me!" She then reached out her hand to her friend and held it with a tight grasp. "I want us! If you are pregnant I would want to be mother with you again. Natalia," she pleaded "We're a team. And we can work with Rafe; we can try to figure out everything…just give me another chance!"
The two women, emotionally distraught, just lay on the bed, silently in deep thought. The fact that Natalia hadn't asked her to leave was taken by Olivia as a sign that she had been forgiven. Night was upon them and allowed them to surrender into the quiet fog of sleep. Between them, none of the hostile words they had uttered had any meaning. Natalia leaned back on her side and Olivia shifted her body to her side in order to face her. In the morning they could tackle their problems with clear heads and lighter hearts.
Early the next morning, they silently woke with the rising of the sun. The women were alone in the house and both looked a mess from crying the night before. Their faces were puffy, tired looking and worn. They were in the same cloths and were aware that their teeth had not been brushed the night before. Olivia raised her head and looked at Natalia. She then turned and looked at the pregnancy test kit sitting on the table. She sighed deeply and again looked back at the other woman.
"Ok. This morning I'll do it, I'll take the test. "
"Natty, I want what you want. If it means anything to you, I want you to be pregnant. I want you to have another child we can both raise together."
Natalia smiled and knodded her head without a word, but then had a grimacing look on her face and ran to the bathroom to get sick. She was in the room for a few minutes, with Liv offering to hold her hair or make her toast and tea. Olivia descended the stairs on her friend's request and busied herself in the kitchen.
A little while later, without making a sound upon entering the kitchen, she reported, "I'm not pregnant." The tone in her voice helped Olivia to realize she was disappointed.
Olivia then inquireded, "Why the morning sickness? Maybe the test kit is in error." But Natalia waved her hand to stop her from talking. She revealed another truth to her friend, "I lied to you last night Liv, this was the third kit she had bought and tried and all of them were negative. Both women spent the rest of breakfast sitting in silence, drinking their tea and eating jam-covered toast.
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