The Return of Frank Burns
First of all I don't own the characters to MASH blah, blah, blah.
It was a scorching hot Summer day in Korea, and the impending meeting with his officers and
Klinger had Colonel Potter sweating buckets. There was no impending medical emergency or anything
serious like that. A very important candidate for a senate seat in Indiana was coming for a visit. He was
the man known throughout the camp as A Lipless Wonder and a Ferret Face. Major Frank Burns, Now a
retired Lt. Colonel, was coming back to the 4077th for a publicity visit. Potter walked to the Mess Tent to
deliver the news.
"Okay boys and girls, I've got some big news."
"The war's over?"
"No Pierce."
"Damn."
"The heat wave's over."
"No Klinger."
"What is it then Colonel? You got a real serious look on your face."
"Tomorrow, at 0900, we are going to have a visitor from the states. He's running for a senate
seat in Indiana."
(Margaret and Hawkeye at the same time)
"Oh no! Not him?"
"I'm afraid so. At 0900 the 4077th will welcome back Lt. Colonel Frank Burns. Klinger I want
you to prepare the VIP tent ASAP."
"So the infamous Major Burns, the man's whose temper tantrum, cursed me to this place is
coming back?"
"Hold on a second Charles, if anyone is going to handle Ol' Ferret face, it's going to be me."
"Just a second Pierce. I'm the one he went crying all over Seoul and Tokyo for. To this day
people still ask me about him. It's so embarrassing."
"Calm down people. If all goes as planned, Burns will be in and out in a matter of hours. Just
long enough to get a few publicity photos."
Hawkeye was upset. For almost two years he was tortured by that piece of garbage. He was
tortured even more when he got promoted. And now he has the nerve to come here with the Press like
he's some conquering hero. Like he's the second coming of MacArthur.
"Maybe he'll try to walk on water and drown."
The next day came and 0900 was approaching fast. The closer it got, the more anxious and
bothered Hawkeye and Margaret were becoming. Colonel Potter ushered his officers and Klinger with
about ten minutes to spare to what Hawkeye was calling zero hour.
"Troops, Burns is only going to be here for a few hours. I'm hoping we can all behave ourselves
for just a few minutes. Do you copy Pierce?"
"Colonel that sorry piece of garbage has nothing to worry about, because I'm not going to be
here. If the war starts up, I'll be at Rosie's."
Just as Hawkeye started to leave the Colonel's office, the jeep bringing the dreaded return of
Frank Marion Burns arrived in camp. The gang stood in awe as it appeared a different man was coming
in. Frank had grown a beard. If you didn't know any better, you would almost say it made Frank look like
he had a chin. There were photographers with Frank. Everyone figured that he brought them from home
to cover his big return to the 4077th. Hawkeye asked BJ:
"I wonder what kind of lies he's told them about this place?"
"I bet he didn't tell them about the time he shot himself with that Colonel's gun."
"Do you think we should?"
"Maybe."
Overhearing his silly surgeons, Colonel Potter let out a discouraging grunt towards them. As
Frank stepped out of the jeep, Potter met him with a fake but well meaning smile and a welcome.
"Maj- I mean Lt. Colonel Burns it's good to see you welcome back to the 4077."
"Thank you Colonel. It's good to see you and everyone are doing well."
Frank, his press, and Colonel Potter made their way over to where the officers were standing.
"Colonel-"
"Please Colonel Potter. Call me Frank. All of you please call me Frank."
"Even me sir?"
"Yes Corp… Klinger? You're a sergeant? Wow how things have changed. Congratulations my
boy! I guess you won't want my gift."
"Gift sir?"
"Yes I bought all of you something!"
Frank went back to his jeep and brought out a trunk full of stuff. He pulled out a red cocktail
dress. Klinger, I bought this thinking that you were still out for a section eight, but you may not want it
now."
"Thank you sir."
Klinger grabbed the dress and ran back to his office.
"Some things never change. Hunnicut it's good to see you."
"Same here Frank."
"Now I know that we didn't get along very well when I was here before, but I'd like for you to
have something as an apology for all that. I know you and Pierce have the still and all and I was thinking
that maybe you could use some new Martini glasses."
"Thank you Frank! Are you sick or something?"
"No! I just want to bring joy to you guys. Oh Colonel! Before I forget, I know what a fan of
cowboys and stuff like that you are, so I bought you a whole set of Zane Gray books."
"Burns, you really shouldn't have. Thank you son."
"Don't mention it! And you must be my replacement?"
"Major Charles Emerson Winchester III and I must say my dear man that it's nice to finally put a
face with the buffoonery that until now I have only heard about!"
"I like that attitude Chuck! I bet Pierce has a lot of fun with you! And speaking of Pierce…"
"Over here Frank!"
"Hawkeye Pierce! How I have missed you so?"
"Listen Ferret Face I-"
"Now Pierce, I know how much you love that Hooch wagon of yours, but I was thinking that
maybe we could pop open this bottle of champagne and talk about old times tonight."
Frank handed a bewildered Hawkeye the bottle of champagne. Something was up. Either Frank
was pulling something, or someone had kidnapped the real Frank and sent this guy in his place. What
other explanation could there be?
Margaret stood nervously waiting for Burns to approach her. How would he act? How would she
react?
"Major Houlihan, it's um good to see you again."
"Major Burns."
It was a tense moment for everyone in camp that came and passed in an instant. Frank sent the
camera crew to Rosie's as he entered the Mess Tent with his former mates. Hawkeye couldn't take it
anymore. He had to know what was Burns' deal.
"Okay Frank now that you're publicity train is gone, just what the Hell is going on out there?
What the Hell are you doing here? We've moved on1 The last thing any of us need is you here again!"
Hawkeye was expecting Frank to snap just like he always did! He wanted him to, but Frank
wouldn't do it.
"Pierce, you have every reason in the world to suspect what you suspect, but I must tell you that
I'm a changed man."
"Bull!"
"Just let me explain please? When I came home I found Louise, my wife, in bed with my brother!
I wasn't over going crazy before I went home, and I nearly went off my rocker again! I became an
alcoholic and it got worse from there. My mother got me the help I needed to get myself back to normal.
Soon after that, I filed for a divorce and got it. I was still depressed over Margaret a bit, and even more so
over Louise, but I realized that there was only one person to blame for it all, me. I took a look at my life
and realized that I was exactly what everyone called me, a no good worthless Ferret Face. So I decided
that I was going to be better than that. I was going to do the right thing. I've made everything right with
my ex wife, my children, and everyone else in my life, except you guys. We were a family, and I treated
you guys like dirt and I'm sorry."
It was hard to believe, but they could all see the sincerity in Frank's eyes. Maybe he had indeed
changed. The group all got together and talked about all that Frank had missed. Margaret's divorce
wasn't as surprising to Frank as the fact that Radar had went home. Around midnight the gang decided to
call it a night.
"Major Houlihan, may I walk you to your tent?"
"Um, sure Frank."
Margaret was a little apprehensive. Why was she allowing Frank to escort her back to her tent.
She was giving him an opening to be the old Frank. Maybe there was no old Frank to start with. Maybe he
was still the same Frank that left Korea and this whole trip was just a guise to make a play for her again.
Just when she was ready to tell Frank to buzz off he totally surprised her.
"Margaret? Do you ever think about how things were?"
"What do you mean Frank?"
"Deep down beneath all of that load of bull that I showed everyone, I really did love you."
"Frank Burns! If you are trying to get funny with me I'll beat you with your own legs!"
"Please Margaret, I need to say this. I'm not trying to get funny. May I continue?"
Margaret looked into Frank's eyes and could tell he wasn't trying anything funny. She let him
continue.
"When you would ask me to leave Louise for you, I would always make up some phony excuse.
Deep down I wanted to. God help me I wanted to. But……"
"Yes Frank?"
:"I was scared. You scared the Hell out of me. I don't mean that I was afraid of you. I was scared
that I, I wasn't good enough for you. I pushed you away and I'm sorry. Outside of my two little girls, you
were the best thing that ever happened to me and when I lost you to Penobbscott I lost my mind. You were
the one, I know that now. I just want to say that I'm sorry I treated you so bad."
When they reached Margaret's tent, Frank kissed Margaret on the cheek.
"Good night Frank?"
"Um Margaret before you leave there's something I want you to have. Do you remember our first
trip to Tokyo together. There was a unicorn that you wanted but I wouldn't buy for you. Well I would like
for you to have this."
"The unicorn! Frank I can't!"
"Please Margaret. Keep it and remember the man you helped change for the better."
Frank walked back to the VIP tent and was intercepted by a heavily drunk Hawkeye.
"Alright Ferret Face! I don't know what kind of crap you are pulling, but I know you haven't
changed and you know you haven't changed. So now that we have that out in the open I want you, your
press train, and all of your bullshit out of this camp before the sun comes up. You were a useless piece of
garbage surgical klutz, a real asshole, and still are! I mean we all dream about the day we leave this place
and never come back. And here you come back like the returning hero who's whooped every communist
from here to Moscow! You fake! You dirty rotten fake! And if you've hurt Margaret again, I'll hunt you
down and mail you back to Indiana in a pine box!"
"Pierce! I've tried all night to make things right between you and I and I don't know what else to
do!"
"I told you. Get the Hell out of here!"
"Okay if that's what you want."
Frank walked away from Hawkeye and made his way to Klinger's office. Klinger was asleep.
"Klinger wake up! I need to get a jeep out of here now!"
Klinger was out like a light.
"I'll make the call myself."
The phone rang before Frank could make his call.
"Hello M#A#S#H 4077th."
"This is the Aid Station we need a Doctor down here quick. We're being shelled. One doctor's
been killed."
"Okay! I'll be right there!"
Frank had no clue what he was doing. He found a jeep and headed towards the Aid Station.
Waking up early in the morning was not kind for Crabapple Cove's finest. He awoke
remembering what he had said to Frank in the middle of his drunken stupor. He felt he needed to
apologize. He went to the VIP tent but couldn't find Frank. His gear was still there though. He checked
with the guys with the press and they hadn't seen them. Just then a jeep pulled up. A young man covered
in blood was driving and someone was laying in the back.
"I've got a Lieutenant-Colonel here shot up!"
"Driver! What's going on here!"
"The doctor answered the call to come to an Aid Station we were in a real mess all night. If it wasn't for
him we would have never made it. When he tried to leave a few minutes ago a sniper shot him seven or
eight times."
"Pierce! Pierce! Hawkeye!"
The cries from the back of the jeep came from Frank.
"Oh God! Frank! Someone get me a litter! Stat!"
Colonel Potter came out of his tent to find out what was going on.
"Hawkeye! What's going on! Oh God! Is he okay?"
"I don't know! But I'm going to save him!"
"Pierce?!"
"Frank I'm going to do everything I can! I'm going to save you!"
Hawkeye rushed Frank into the OR. BJ, Charles, and Potter soon joined them. Before Hawkeye
could begin, Frank stopped him.
"Pierce! Stop! That's an order!"
"I'm sorry Frank but you know I can't resist breaking your orders!"
"Hawkeye please! Listen to me! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"It's okay Frank. I accept your apology."
"Take care of Margaret!"
And with one last breath Frank was gone. Margaret rushed into the OR at that very moment. The looks on everyone's faces told her the story. She burst into tears and fell into Hawkeye's arms.
That afternoon the 4077th said goodbye to Frank Burns in a brief ceremony. Everyone was a wreck
emotionally, but Hawkeye was worst of all. Frank begged him to believe him. He was a changed man. He
really was. Hawk was going to make it up to him. He would keep his promise. He would take care of
Margaret.