Don't (Toby and Happy fanfic)

Never written like this before and I've not been a part of the fandom all that long so i'm still making a breakdown of the characters for myself but for me there is a painful lack of Quintis fics so i thought I'd give one of my own creation a go. and can i just say that this is written out of love and how i see their relationship having observed the characters behaviours for myself and read other bloggers observations :) also dyslexic so punctuation and spelling is probably so very wrong. oh and potential trigger maybe, panic attack of sorts?

It had happened again,and then again after that. Happy used kissing Toby as a way to avoid using her words or to shut him up. her words had worked once up on the rooftop, but that was when she couldn't take it any more and with adrenaline fuelling her she opened up expressing her hurt and anger but after a minute pressed to his chest she suddenly felt rather embarrassed and awkward so threw up her defences once more. she didn't do vulnerability, not really. not even with Toby,who she felt far more for than she could find the words to admit. even to herself. she'd felt happier in those first few months with Toby than she sadly did right now, frustrations and her own issues were beginning to mess with the happy butterfly feelings she had when she was with him. In the privacy of their apartments Happy loved where his arm would gently snake around her waist and he would gently place a kiss on the back of her neck, just for a moment and then he'd move on and begin drying the dishes or go for a shower- the moments where it felt less 'created', where the actions felt natural and spontaneous rather than a forced, conscious decision to express his feelings upon her, his heavy use of pet names and need to compliment her were a little stifling and wholly unnecessary. That was not to say she didn't feel that soft flutter when a 'babe' or 'sweetheart' would effortlessly roll of his tongue having addressed her. These moments were enough, he wasn't trying to overcompensate or pacify, he was just being self-expression his care very nearly wordlessly. but then he'd lay his love on too thick again and it was beginning to suffocate her. The dull heavy feeling in her chest scared her and even Toby was beginning to feel it, that underling tension- elephant in the room- unspoken words, but he had finally got his wish and to admit that things weren't as flawless and easy as he had imagined was impossible and he batted them aside determined that it would pass because he loved her enough for the both of them. But even curled around her sleeping form he was finding it more difficult to sleep recently. as was she. finding the bravery as to bring the topic of something not feeling right in fear of hurting the other, was escaping them.

The last straw was up on the rooftop again when she had gone up there- to escape him and his cotton candy words, to sickly sweet to swallow. He- as she knew he eventually would- followed her. 5 minutes later he was wrapped around her and beginning to strangle her with words of adoration and when it finally got too much she turned in his arms and threw herself onto his lips, he responded instinctively. she manoeuvred him onto the table to obtain better access. securely sat on the table he returned her passion and grip, arms wrapped tightly round her back holding her as close to him as physically possible. it was when breathing was becoming ragged and the kiss had surpassed its natural end and she didn't pull away,she didn't stop. but he did. she carried on moving to his face,neck and chest. it felt wrong, this wasn't going somewhere. this wasn't being driven by lust and need. She had moved towards his lips again but he gently pushed her away and stood up.

"Don't"

she looked a little surprised and lost. that was not what she had been expecting.

she couldn't get a read on his expression, anger? sadness? hurt? disgust? these were not things she was used to seeing when his gaze was upon her. he just stood watching her, his breathing shallow.

"why is it that i feel like kissing me feels like a chore for you, like a mission to keep me quiet, a way of manipulating me. a kind of threat that if i don't keep to your specifications you'll drop me. you know that the way i feel about you means i'd never be the one to walk away. your my addiction. you are flawed but i'd take you and your flaws over perfection any day. it doesn't seem to work that way for you"

she was looking at the ground now, her chest tight and jaw locked, teeth grinding as to control her body's involuntary reactions to the truth in his words. she heard his footsteps as they approached her.

he stood a foot away. just standing once more. it was her move. she debated and wrestled with her head and heart but she wanted this. she wanted him. and in a moment before she had realized her decision, she had her head buried in his chest a sob escaping her and then another till she had completely fallen apart as his arms gently wrapped around her. she went slack in his arms and she felt them lowering to the ground. she was 15 the last time she had allowed this to happen, to cry to the point she didn't know which way was up and which way was down. she may have even blacked out a few times. she could hear him as he tried to calm her, get her to control her breathing.

he was terrified. when she gave that first sob against his chest he had not expected it to go this far. this was serious. borderline dangerous. even as a doctor he was debating between phoning an ambulance or Paige or hell even Walter, maybe her dad? what the hell was happening. the last time he saw anything like this it was a toddler who was screaming bloody murder and who's brain couldn't decide whether oxygen was more important than obtaining a reaction from the parent who was blatantly ignoring his behaviour… until emotion won and the kid blacked out which caused instant panic in the middle of the shop.

was she crying and having a panic attack at the same time? she wasn't responding to his words, just gripping onto his clothing for dear life and each time he tried to pry her hand off as to obtain a proper look at her just seemed to make it worse. hell he was phoning Paige it had gone on to long. gripping her tighter is hopes that might do something he pulled out his phone

"Paige?…get up here please…that's Happy, I need you up here now" he ended the call and noticed that her erratic breathing and sobs had lessened a little.

"well this is certainly different Happy, not going to lie never thought it would be you falling to pieces in my arms, Sylvester, yes. you? my tough cookie? no way."

His voice took on a softer, a sadder tone.

"well i suppose we all crumble at some point. its killing me not to have a clue as to how to fix you.."

Paige came bursting through the door, instantly running to Toby's side.

"what's going on?"

"hell if I know,we were having an argument of sorts and next thing i know she's catatonic"

bushing back her her hair, Paige tried to get a response

"Happy? Happy can you hear me? Happy can you look at me?"

she had a bit more control now, things felt rather fuzzy and she couldn't decide if her head felt heavy or light but it hurt either way. but she heard Paige and tried to do as she asked and look at her, it took a moment but she could see Paige, she was smiling gently at her and behind her swam the faces of Cabe and Walter tense and concerned.

"there we are, hi Happy, can you follow what I'm saying?"

she gave a soft nod and Happy felt Toby begin to relax around her.

"your breathing is still a little worrying, can you breathe with me?"

Paige softly took her hands placing one just under her ribs, on her diaphragm and the other on Happy's own. She felt Paige's stomach push out as she slowly pulled air into her lungs and shakily and slightly delayed Happy copied the action, eyes locked on one another as they began to match the exhale. she was beginning to feel the exhaustion and the chill in the evening air. her breathing was very nearly back to normal however the realization that everyone just witnessed her break down, the vulnerability made her feel rather nauseous. she had forgotten she was pretty much in Toby's lap so was surprised to hear his voice so close.

"do you feel well enough to get inside?, i'm rather aware that your shaking a bit"

she looked up into his face and found not pity or judgement but warmth and love. she felt those butterfly's again in her tummy and an odd lightness in her heart, as horrible and traumatic as the events that had just come to pass were, it felt it changed something in the relationship,he had seen her truly at her worst and yet there he was still looking at her like she hung the moon and held the stars in her eyes.

"yeah"

he helped her stand and looped an arm round her waist supporting her as she made her way back downstairs.

he said nothing the entire way back to her apartment, nor when she asked him to help her shower, she never felt so connected and close to him as when she laid her head against his chest as he gently washed her hair, her fingers mindlessly ghosting shapes across his chest. he helped her dry and dress and left her only to obtain a glass of water, wordlessly placing it on the bedside. she knew what he was saying, she had to replace the fluids lost when she was crying. she was beyond exhausted but she sat in bed. waiting for him. he came out of the bathroom having brushed his teeth and silently climbed into bed and turned off the light, she sat in the dark for a moment, nothing. he said nothing. then it happened, his fingers brushed against her back and she couldn't help but smile there in the dark. she slowly fell back against her pillow. both looking up at the ceiling feeling contentment in lying side by side and closer than ever.

"you know we are going to have to talk about what just happened,right?"

"yeah, but for tonight i just wanna be held"

"that,i can do"

she was never much into the spooning, close proximity sleeping thing, but with his hand resting on her hip and the soft movement of the pad of his thumb against her skin, it felt like that aversion could come to change. she felt his breathing beginning to even out but she heard his soft mutter into her hair.

"I love you"

pulling his hand further round to rest of her stomach and interlinking their fingers, had he not been now fast asleep he'd have heard her quiet whisper of

"I love you too"