Light of the Soul

Sam knew what he was getting into the moment he decided to pursue a relationship with her. He knew that it would be a road of trial and tribulation, joy and tears, happiness and heartache; he knew this and he continued to go out with her. She did things that would have constituted deliberate wrecking but he understood it. He understood her. And he kept at it and eventually married her. She was his life. Except when she was being her stubborn self.

She was always stubborn and it seemed to have increased since becoming pregnant. Sam suspected that it had more to do with her hiding that she was scared; she was scared of the fact that she had a previous life that was virtually nonexistent and with a being that was virtually unknown and that she had a history with. He saw it as a means of trying to carry on like normal but it was taking a toll on her. That and the fact that Castiel had said yes to Lucifer… it had him worried for her and the baby. And she was stubborn.

She had insisted on coming with them and in the end he and Dean thought it was for the best. Sam knew he was not invincible and couldn't claim that he could protect her from everything but he could do something to give her peace of mind. He could do that and he and his brother would do their damnedest to keep her and the life growing inside of her safe. So they took her on the road with them and tried to help in coming up with a plan against Amara and to save Castiel. And he just had to find that job.

In Sam's mind, and hers too, just because you had something major in front of you, it doesn't mean that you ignore the little things that come your way. There were people to save, a kid to save from something that happened in that house. And given that Dean could never boss her anyway and he knew she was right… it became a moot point.

As it turned out, they found that Bobby and Rufus had worked a case in that house some years before. True they learned it the old fashioned way but it kind of helped when she used her mojo and sensed the older hunters' presence. And the game changed when they first decided that it was a ghost haunting the place.

Sam, having known and lived with his wife, could say he had a pretty good grasp of the situation and knew when to push and when to pull. He had been told he was an alpha in the sense that he could exert some authority and had shown it. This time he put his foot down and said that she wasn't going to the graveyard. He learned later that she was humoring him since she stayed out front of the house and stared at it. He should have listened when she said there was something off about it and that it wasn't a spirit or poltergeist.

Through research they learned that it was a soul eater. It put her in a thoughtful mood as he read out loud to her and Dean about soul eaters. He knew her well enough to know she was thinking of something. It certainly showed when she opened the book from the Men of Letters and showed them the sigil and what was involved. It wasn't a surprise since she had been friends with the Men of Letters and she had a whole section of the library devoted to her. It did have Sam wonder if it was the same with the Illuminati though he had no wish to see those assholes again.

The plan was to have someone go into the nest and draw their sigil while the other stayed in their world to draw the other half. It was unanimous between him and Dean that she would not be in that house while they did this. The obvious was because she was pregnant in her second trimester and basically it was male instinct to protect. Sam quietly told her to wait in the car while they did that and did what Dean called going alpha on her ass. She put up a mild fight but agreed and left them to do the job but it didn't go quite a smoothly as they like. Nothing ever did being a Winchester.

The soul eater possessing Dean was unexpected and brought back painful memories of when his brother was a demon and hunting him in the bunker. Sam knew though that it wasn't Dean doing the action and took comfort in that as he defended himself. He almost bought it when his possessed brother knocked him a good one and was going to bash his head. The blow never came but a thump and a grunt did.

She had listened for the most part but she was not one to stand by and do nothing if she sensed trouble. Sam was stunned when he saw her there in the room. Her eyes were flickering and her focus was on his possessed brother and she had him pinned to the wall. It allowed Sam to finish the sigil but not before he heard what the soul eater had to say.

What are you? You are not like them.

It was nothing new when a thing they were hunting noticed her. And it had nothing to do with her looks. It was another thing that had Sam constantly on the worry since she was not like other dhampirs and he had witnessed it over the years. The question that was often asked was who didn't know her.

You, your soul… tarnished and beautiful… but part of a whole.

The soul eater had rambled while she kept it pinned. It allowed Sam to finish the sigil but he heard everything. It had been scary learning about their souls and it offered an explanation for some of the things that had been more like flukes from when they first met and it still was mostly because it was the kind of thing that appealed to the things that they hunted. It was also not so bad in that he always was in tuned with her and she to him and he was still paying for that no matter what she said. He could be allowed that bit of punishment so to speak.

You are a creature of comfort but your purpose had been twisted long ago.

I can protect you all. I know you crave that for that little life within. It's the only reason I haven't come for you. But it is delicious…

It was a threat… at least Sam chose to take it that way. It was his wife and child on the line and it wasn't like she could hide it unless she was swimming in one of his shirts. Even when she was wearing one of his flannel shirts, he could see the swell of her abdomen. It was why they didn't really let her do the legwork in hunting and she agreed to it since she was that scared and putting up a good show of bravado. He gave a punch to his brother and regretted it since it was wearing his brother's face and went back to finishing the sigil.

You really think you can beat me and stand against Darkness…

Nothing can stand against Darkness… except maybe Light.

Sam managed to finish the sigil and the soul eater was destroyed. He knew his brother was going to be okay but when he turned towards his wife, he almost went into panic. She was still standing there and her eyes were flickering but she wasn't looking at anything in the room. He had seen enough to know that she was spacing out or probably talking to one of the gods that like to do that. He had been distracted when Dean struggled and gasped a bit when he came back from the nest but he didn't need to worry since she came back and just stood there like a benevolent spirit or something as she looked down at them with her gaze focused on Dean.

No one really wanted to think about the physics of the nest but she did say that it was kind of like when they went to the convention. She didn't need to go into details about what she meant he and Dean both remembered that and his brother being himself had to ask if it was possible that they could have seen Bobby as he saw them. It hurt Sam's head to think about it and clearly it was something that she was willing to leave as a question of faith.

It wasn't until later when they found a place to stay for the night since all-nighters were not necessarily good for her condition that he asked her why she chose to leave the car. Her response was typical in that she sensed they were in trouble but knowing her, there was usually a little more to it. He just preferred not to get into a fight and eventually she did explain things and above all, he trusted her and her judgment. She eventually said that she had been drawn to the house and the soul eater. The how and why she couldn't explain except for the source of her healer abilities and her connection to the spirit world. Even Sam could see that it was still bothering her that she could do that; she never really liked being the one outside the box. Sure she made do with it and channeled it into something good but she seemed that at times she wasn't comfortable with her own skin even after all these years and it increased a little lately for obvious reasons.

In the end, Sam suggested that maybe what Amitiel helped her with and because of what they knew… it came out like a mess but she picked up on his logic. It earned him a smile and gentle raking of his hair through her fingers and a comment that he was sweet. It really was the kind of thing to dampen a man's ego but Sam learned it was her way of saying thank you since the words to her seemed inadequate. As much as the whole business worried him, he was a bit relieved that her abilities worked this time. The fluctuation in her ability to control what she always had was more worrisome than troublesome.

He was relieved that she hadn't overdone it in a fit of rage because he or Dean was hurt like a scratch or was seriously hurt to near death. Those reminded him too closely when she went on a rampage under the influence of her Purgatory problem and tore a few demons a new one and actually fought with his brother. He hadn't witnessed it since his being seriously injured was the cause of it but it had him feeling guilty that just by loving her and being the one she loved was the cause of something that could turn her into the thing she feared and hated. He knew he would never forgive himself for that if it came down to it and he couldn't kill her; he would be able to. He would just stand there and let her kill him like he was willing to do when Dean raised that scythe at him.

Sam knew that his life would never be what he wanted all those years ago when he left for Stanford. He would never really have a 'safe' life, free from the things that people thought were make believe. True he used to think that and that by walking away from it he would be normal but even that wasn't possible. He couldn't ignore what happened when the string of serial rapes on campus occurred and then suddenly vanished nor could he help but research when the grisly murders near the campus popped up and then they disappeared. He didn't get involved but he was prepared to until they stopped. He knew now that it was her and she admitted that she watched over him while adding that she was on a job offered by an old friend in the philosophy department tutoring philosophy and teaching history.

Then Dean walked back into his life and he picked up and followed. Then what happened, happened and then he met her. He knew what he was getting into when he started down the path of first building a friendship and then building something more with her. Sometimes it seemed he got the short end of the stick with her mannerisms but… in the end he could say now that he had been attracted to her, maybe not in the way his brother would prefer but he was. He was gentle and persistent as she said and always like it was a good thing.

Yeah, maybe their lives were messed up that they'd find seeing visions of each other dead comforting but, if they hadn't made the choices they did… then they probably wouldn't have those times that were good. Sam knew that if she hadn't come back to stay after Wyoming, he would never have gotten to this point with her and maybe things would have turned out a bit differently. For all he knew, things could have gone worse in terms of the Apocalypse, Leviathans, angels, and everything.

Sam was drawn out of his thoughts to find his wife sleeping and looking like she might be miserable about it before her features relaxed as she settled on her side. He couldn't help but smile and was grateful that he could be here and now with her. Crawling into his place beside her, he pulled her towards him and wrapped his arm around her. Gently touching her abdomen he felt a rather gentle kick and chuckled when she muttered one of Bobby's choice phrases in her sleep. Yeah he knew what he was getting into when he decided to pursue this road towards a relationship with her. But he wouldn't trade it for the world considering that it was going to lead to the greatest gift he would ever receive. He gently nuzzled her neck and drifted off to sleep. He didn't regret a thing.

A/N: Sam just having thoughts about where he is and how he got there regarding the love of his life. Tag to Safe House. Enjoy.