Disclaimer: I'm not some manager of the forgotten Klonoa Works industry! Deal with it!
Author's Note: I suggest you make yourself a cup of tea while reading this. I can't write parodies at all, they turn out to be the top of all the stupid possible. But here it is anyway. Be warned though, this parody contains really badly written accents.
I might make more parodies of the games, but then maybe not.
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The little Dream Traveller, Klonoa, was snoring his cute little head off in his bed. In his dream he was asking himself questions like: 'Where am I going?' 'Where am I at my current status?' and 'Why won't anyone rid me of Huepow?'
... Obviously he had NOT realized that asking himself questions like that in his dream would lead him astray (surprise, surprise!).
And this time was no exception.
Klonoa was awakened when he heard a loud knock on the door. Grumbling to himself, he put on his hat, put on his shoes and got his ring.
And he opened the door.
"Hey! What-" Was the first thing he said before his mouth was clapped shut. Still trying to wriggle free (and failing), Klonoa was carried to a mysterious palace, with no bearings whatsoever in this strange place.
"Let me go," Klonoa screamed as the three soldiers holding him carried him through the doors. After that, they pushed him onto the carpeted floor of a room, and handcuffed his wrists together. "Let me go! I've done nothing wrong!" The soldiers took no notice of the cabbit whatsoever. "Please let me go! I've got things to do! I've got to feed my goldfish! I've left my gas cooker on!"
"Oh really." A smooth voice said from above him. Klonoa raised his head to look at whoever had spoken...
... and was mesmerized.
The person who had spoken was tall, slim, young and graceful. He had a nice voice, a soft, low tenor. He wore purple robes made out of the softest velvet, and his skin was also tinged light lavender. His eyes were of the deepest gold, and he was quite handsome too...
"If you've finished staring," The person said rather irritably. "Why are you here?" One of the soldiers stepped forward at that and bowed.
"Your Highness, I've arrested this young boy for the crime of dreaming." Klonoa mentally screamed 'WHAT?!' at that, and only just managed to keep himself under control. So was that man... of royalty?
"Ah," The person's eyes momentarily brightened in recognization. "So you're the stranger who dares to dream in my empire."
Oh God. This person was an emperor. OH GOD.
"Stranger? Where the hell am I?!" Klonoa cried, jumping up. Instantly, someone who had been standing quietly next to the emperor turned to Klonoa and made a swift slicing motion across his neck, daring him to speak again.
Klonoa instantly shut up.
"You're in the presence of Emperor Jillius, who happens to be the seventh emperor of this empire, where dreams are forbidden and people who do dream are executed. Any questions?" The 'someone' said in a rather chain-like voice. Meaning, the voice was rather high. And squeaky.
Everyone in the room, except for Emperor Jillius, Klonoa and the 'someone', fell on the floor screaming at the horrendous voice.
"Damnit, Minister Bagoo! Stop trying to act like you're all cheerful! I know you're dark and all that, and I command you to stop it at once!" Emperor Jillius yelled, annoyed. The Minister slunk away into the shadows, only his eyes showing.
"You're no fun," He muttered darkly, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
"Anyway... back to the point, if you have time to spare, you should work, play, fall in love, eat cookies, whatever." Emperor Jillius smirked. "Dreaming is a complete waste of time."
"No, that's wrong! Why is it so wrong to dream?" Klonoa cried, distraught. What was going on? Why had he been sent here? So he could get his head chopped off? But that was just ridiculous...
"You dare to defy me?" The emperor shouted. "Look, I have enough to do without you opposing my laws as well, you pathetic little brat! When I have bloody insomnia, I can't dream, I can't even sleep for more than two hours, and all that crud - Urgh, I'm just so bloody angry! Where the hell is the death warrant? Off with his head! I demand! I demaaaaand!!!!"
"Quick! The tylenol!" The Minister shouted, and there followed a rather confusing mob scene where the emperor was restrained and the soldiers gave him five doses of tylenol, while Klonoa just looked on wordlessly.
"It's no joke being unable to sleep, y'know..." The emperor choked out, the tylenol still held in his hand. "Need. Sleep. Now..."
"Well, if you want to sleep, then you just have to sleep!" Klonoa offered what he thought was a perfectly sensible suggestion. Apparently not.
"So... in that sense, if you want a packet of Maltesers, then you have to be a packet of Maltesers?" The young man in front of the cabbit countered. Klonoa opened his mouth to argue, but shut it again. Emperor Jillius's twisted logic made perfect sense, but was un-arguable.
"That wasn't what I said." Was what he could only say.
"For defying our emperor, and causing him to have a panic attack, you'll be executed!" Bagoo shouted. "Off with his head!"
"Silence, irrelevant fool! That's my line." The emperor gasped. He cleared his throat and stood up. "I'll do you a deal. There are four monsters terrorizing my empire at this present moment. If you find them, and get rid of them, or drive them out, or screw them to death, or whatever - I might just spare you." He smiled. "Do we have a deal?"
"YES!!" Klonoa shouted, and ran out of the palace, in search of the monsters.
There was a long, hefty silence.
"... Is that kid dumb or what?" Emperor Jillius finally uttered. "I was only joking..."
-------
Outside, Huepow (the loser had just appeared out of nowhere without reason) was screaming at Klonoa.
"You did WHAT, Klonoa?! You did WHAT?!" He screamed. "Thanks to you, both of us are going to get our ass beat! There's no way we'd ever get rid of all those monsters only with that petty ring of yours!"
"Yeah, thanks, Huepow. Only you, me and the rest of this goddamn empire needs to know."
Huepow sighed and rubbed his two oversized sparkly blue eyes. "What are we going to do?"
"Let's go check the monsters out. That's the best we can do."
"Fine..."
-------
"How much further do we have to go?!" Huepow gasped as the two staggered up the mountain.
"Why are you bothered with it? You just float along!" Klonoa replied, annoyed, and squinted at the sign above. "Almost there. It says we're 30 metres away from the arena of Ghazzaland."
"Good."
They climbed the last few steps and looked around. There certainly didn't seem to be anything.
"What if it's all phony?" Huepow asked.
"Jeez, Huepow, do you always have to be so-" But Huepow never heard what he was like, because that instant something huge crashed onto the ground, leering at the two.
"Newcom'rs, hmm?" The monster sneered. "Whoid'ya come from? In case ya couldn't tell from the ba'ly writ'en cockney ac'ent, I've goit a ba'ly writ'en cockney ac'cent! I'm a mons'er! Ya see?"
"We got it!" Klonoa shouted. "You're supposed to fight us now!"
"Jus' makin' shure'." The monster charged towards them and punched, knocking Klonoa off to the side. "Heh, easy'!"
"Not any more!" Klonoa yelled from the side, and flipped himself over, firing a Wind Bullet. The monster reeled back, and jumped up in the air quite suddenly, shouting "If ah' jump up 'ere and tumble down, ya won' stand a chance agains' me!"
A crash.
"Aw, it dinna woirk!"
Another Wind Bullet hit him. And another. The monster flopped to his back and dinna move. Oops, sorry. 'Didn't' move.
As Klonoa and Huepow watched, the huge form started to shrink, finally emerging into a human-like, red-gloved boxer who looked around and sat up dazedly. He shook his head, silently co-ordinating his surroundings.
"Where am' ah?" He muttered, and spotted the two travellers. "Ah'm surron'ed! What the flyin' heck is goin' on?"
"You don't remember?" Klonoa asked, incredulous. "Nothing at all?"
"Nothin'. Absholut'ly nothin'." The boxer mumured. "Name's Chipple, by the way'. Ah remem'er one thing, tho'-" He thought for a minute, frowning. "Ah dream't I was the mos' damne'd strong'st boxer in the world, and den... this' red mis'... covered mah visi'n."
"A red mist?" Klonoa observed. "Strange..."
-------
"What's that?"
"That's a Moo."
"What's that?"
"That's a wind chute." Huepow answered loftily as they floated up. "This is fun!"
"What's that thing over there floating upwards?"
"That's a Spiker!"
"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!"
"THAT'S YOUR WIND RING!"
"Oh... right."
"Dumbass."
"Shut up." Klonoa looked around and pressed a small switch. "I wonder what this does?"
The whole room turned over sideways.
"Oh crap-" Huepow screamed as they were violently jerked to a stop, and were ejected from the room. They had arrived in a large hall, lined with red curtains and seats everywhere. And in the middle of it all...
... Was the monster.
"Miss?" Klonoa asked tentatively. "Miss Musica?"
The monster screeched.
"Shut up!" Huepow and Klonoa screamed together, abandoning their manners, and jumped aside as wind chutes sprang up from nowhere. The monster floated up and spat out two Moos encased in a musical note, and started to float around the room, still screeching. In panic, Klonoa quickly grabbed a Moo and threw it at the monster's stomach. And again. and again.
After five minutes of screeching and blowing around, the monster deflated with a squeak. The remains glowed softly, forming into another shape - and out stepped a beautiful, slightly dazed-looking woman wearing a flowing dress. She swayed slightly, and Klonoa ran to support her.
"Where... 'ow...?" She murmured. "I apologize, ma cherie, for my accent... I have zeez badly wri'ten french accent which I can't zeem to get rid of."
"It's alright." Klonoa assured her. "Are you Miss Musica?"
"Oui. What... 'appened'...?" She winced as she stood up properly.
"Can you remember anything at all, Miss?"
"Non." Musica looked blank. "I 'ad zeez excellente dream, though. Ah, I woz singing' to mon amie, Beryl... yet when I tried to remember zee song, I couldn't."
"Did a red mist cover your vision?"
"Non. Zee mist was..." Her eyes took on a sudden, misty gaze. "...bleu."
"Red mist, blue mist..."
"...One mist, Two mist, Red mist, Blue mist." Huepow sniggered. "It's exactly like that Dr Seuss book!"
"Shush." Klonoa murmured.
"Well, I mus' get going now, ma cherie. Merci!" Musica smiled softly, and she walked slowly backstage, as the curtains fell.
------
They said goodbye again to the wonderful town of Priamill, now it was quiet and peaceful with only handsome choirboys singing operattas. Klonoa and Huepow felt lighthearted, but one thing nagged at their minds.
"I'm hungry."
"So am I."
"I hope the next town has restaurants." Klonoa murmured. "How in the world do the previous two towns cope without food?"
"Oh yeah! There weren't any shops or food restaurants!"
"But the Priamill people are quite chubby and jolly." Klonoa said. "Why's that?"
"Paradox, that's what. Namco couldn't be bothered to explain."
"Heh..."
Huepow read the sign. "Jiobob? Food town? Oh good, we can get something!"
Ah, how wrong they were.
"What do you mean there's no food?!" Klonoa cried as he smacked his head on the table. "Rubbish!"
"There's a-"
"-Monster?"
"Yes, a monster on the loose and it's been eating all the food we have." The waiter murmured as he cleared away the carrots. "We can't stop it. At all! That thing eats everything and anything! Our only Chef Chirin has gone missing, we don't know what to do..."
"Fine, let's go get our steak back!" Huepow shouted, dragging Klonoa out.
-------
"I swear, this empire's going to the dogs." Klonoa grumbled as he coughed out dust. "What are those things anyway, Boomies? A hoard of explosive Moos near a food town." The cabbit shook his head and went on climbing. "That's stupid. Okay now, get us that Star Fragment over there. That's the last one we need."
"Got it."
"Great!" The last doors to the mountain opened, and Klonoa and Huepow walked out, looking around.
"I don't see anything. It should be around-" A sudden crunch sounded, and a green form burst out of the ground before dropping back. "-here..."
"Wow, it really does eat everything!"
"Yeah, including us!" Klonoa grasped a long chain that had come out of nowhere as the ground beneath was swallowed up. "How are we supposed to know where it is?"
"Well, for a start, the ground beneath you starts shaking, you can see it onscreen, and there's a big fat arrow pointing to the ground where the monster's coming up, dumbass." Huepow replied sarcastically. Klonoa rolled his eyes, and he reached out, grabbing an unsuspecting Moobird by its throat, and chucked it underneath any old how.
The next thing they knew, rocks were falling around them all.
"Is this supposed to like some stupid tetris game or something?!"
"You look more like you're doing some kind of Stepmania game." Huepow sneered.
"How so?"
"Left, right, front, left, right, back, jump, pivot..."
"Shut up for a moment, Huepow!" Klonoa looked up at the monster, which was being ejected from the volcano. "Are you Chef Chirin?" He shouted.
The monster fell on top of them before burrowing back into the ground.
"... I don't think it can talk, Klonoa."
"Well, that sucks! I lost a hit-point! And there isn't going to be any hearts appearing soon!"
"That's your fault, isn't it?" Huepow dodged and got out of the way just in time. Klonoa climbed up the long chain, grabbed a Moobird and threw it down again.
"Those things just breed like rabbits, I swear it!" He muttered to himself as the monster flew up inside the volcano and the shower of rocks started again. They managed to get around it this time, and Klonoa ran across, grabbing a little pink heart. "My saviour!" He gabbled, clutching the heart.
"Just eat the thing, we don't have much time." Huepow looked around as the monster shot up from the ground yet again.
"Heh!" With a quick Wind Bullet, and another Moobird, the monster broke apart and started to glow. Within moments a fat, jolly man was sitting on the ground, grinning happily.
"Well, that was a nice meal. I'm stuffed!"
"You don't have an accent!" Klonoa cried, and he glomped Chirin, screaming in happiness. "Finally!"
"I'm supposed to." Chirin's words stopped him cold. "I'm supposed to have a Scottish accent but the authoress couldn't write it. Do ye ken?"
"Oh, no..." Klonoa curled up, looking depressed.
"Did you anything strange in your dream?" Huepow asked. Chirin thought and nodded.
"I was cooking up a meal that made carrots-" He shuddered. "-taste good. And then this yellow mist came around..."
"Red, blue and yellow..." Huepow murmured. "I think I know where this is going to, but I don't want to tell anyone that where I think this is going to, because my predictions about where this is going to can be atrociously wrong or lead us astray. So as a prince, I conclude that telling people where I think this is going to right now is unwise."
"My head hurts." Klonoa whimpered.
------
Meanwhile, things were very different in the royal palace.
"I wonder where that kid is." The emperor sighed and leaned back down on his throne. "Hopefully he won't return again."
Minister Bagoo was browing the net, clicking around for various sources. "Your Highness? Do take a look at this." He called.
"What is it?" Emperor Jillius leaned down and looked. "A shameless parody about..." He fell silent as he read the words on the page. "Jeez, that git is sad," He muttered. "I think I'm going to sign into my flamer alter-ego and flame off this girl."
"Well thought of, Your Highness." Bagoo bowed and smiled to himself. "Besides, what else is the Internet useful for other than that and porn?"
"It's a network of gambling, online casinos, poker, cards, astrologist ripoffs, fake horoscopes, viruses, spyware, celebrity gossip and hot Japanese crossdressers wearing bunny suits."
Bagoo stared but then smiled slowly.
"I taught you well, Your Highness."
"Cheers."
"Don't mention it, Jillius-san." Bagoo leaned in closer, still smiling. "What do you say to a cuddle, then?"
"Go to hell."
-------
"I don't like this, Huepow." Klonoa whined. "I don't like this at all."
"It's the last monster, yeah?"
"Should be..." Klonoa swayed uneasily on the water-balanced platform and yelped as the huge dial-shaped monster whizzed towards them. "This one's the most difficult!"
"We all gathered that."
But somehow, after a few minutes the monster lay deflated. The water magically changed into a forest (Oh-Em-Eff-Gee! Paradox!) and an aged, dazed doctor stood up, bewildered.
"This is so unlike my purpose!" He cried. "I was supposed to cure everyone and instead created a contagious disease!"
"You remember, Dr. Medim?"
"Every second of it." The doctor closed his eyes tiredly. "You beat the heck out of me and threw Moos at my head, but I'll forgive you this time. Seriously, that's no way to treat an old man! Kids nowadays." He muttered and started to walk away.
"Do you remember anything in your dream?" Huepow called.
"Twin moons!" Dr. Medim called back before he disappeared from sight.
"But that's impossible!" Klonoa shouted. "Twin moons will cause chaos in this world! And... the red, blue, yellow... twin moons... it's the flag of this empire!" He turned excitedly to Huepow. "The culpit must be in the castle!"
-------
"Emperor... Jillius...!" Klonoa gasped as he ran into the throne room. He collapsed on the carpet, panting, while the emperor stared at him strangely.
"Do you need an inhaler?"
"No!" Klonoa got up, and faced the emperor boldly. "It's the stupid Moos and all the puzzles! What kind of a twisted mind do you have?"
"The severely twisted one." Emperor Jillius leaned back and looked straight back at the cabbit. "So you made it this far, hmm?"
"You're the one who made all those dreamers into monsters!" Huepow stupidly put in. "Aren't you?"
"What if I am?" The emperor asked, his eyes suddenly brighter and sharper. His voice remained completely calm. Klonoa and Huepow gasped at this unusual response.
"In that case, you're a criminal and doesn't deserve to rule this empire! How could you-"
"Alright, fine!" The emperor suddenly shouted, standing up. "I did it all, okay? I made them lot into monsters! And now I'm going to act like one and kill everyone in this empire!" With that, he suddenly defied gravity and floated upwards, throwing various orbs of energy everywhere.
"Pah, easy!" Klonoa scoffed, and brought the emperor down in three bursts of Wind Bullet. "This guy's a wimp!"
"... Urgh..." Emperor Jillius stirred faintly from the ground. "You... did well... Thanks."
"What?!" Huepow and Klonoa both cried at the same time, and they immediately ran to support him. "In case you're confused, we just beat you within an inch of your life, you know!"
"I know that!" The emperor muttered as he sat up with some difficulty. "What I meant was that you broke the curse placed upon me! You came back here, and you worked out all the clues I placed in the dreams of those people. It's as it's..." He sighed softly and leaned back. "... going well..."
The double doors burst open, and Bagoo ran in.
"I'm back!" He screamed. "I'm back! I'm back! Jillius, come have sex with me!"
"What the hell?!" The emperor cried, his eyes snapping open.
"You did that coming of age thing at the beginning, didn't you? You actually gave orders for once!" Bagoo smiled creepily to himself. "That celebrates you turning twenty-one! Didn't you get my message in that Easter Egg?"
"Oh, that egg? I kept it. It's not Easter Sunday yet."
"But you should have eaten it. That's what I do!"
"You eat Easter Eggs before Easter Sunday?" The emperor looked scandalized. "Blasphemy!"
"Yeah, but are you coming with me? I promise not to tie you up!"
"My head..." Emperor Jillius fainted dead away.
"Paedophile!" Huepow cried. "You must be about twice his age, Minister!"
"Yeah! And you know what?" Klonoa took out his Wind Ring and faced the Minister. "You can get out now or get your ass kicked!"
"Huh." Bagoo sneered before turning into a great bird... thing. "You need to be taught a lesson, my dear boy!"
They fought, of course. What did you expect? Something else? Nah, this game contains either puzzles or pure fighting. Naturally, being a fight, they made quite a lot of noise. Which led to a certain someone being very irked.
"Will you keep it down!" Emperor Jillius, who had randomly decided to wake up that precise moment, shouted. "I'm trying to die down here!"
"Sorry!" The two characters yelled back and kept on fighting.
After about half an hour, the Minister had to admit defeat. With a horrid screech he vanished into thin air, never to be seen again. Klonoa and Huepow only spared him one glance and ran to the emperor's side.
"Hang in there." Klonoa murmured. "You can't die here, you know! This game's PG rated!"
"Whatever." Emperor Jillius coughed and leaned back again.
"Any last words?" Huepow asked quietly.
"What? Oh yeah. Kick Bagoo out of this empire completely, tell Musica that she can cancel the music appointment, don't have uncontraceptive sex, don't do drugs and cigars, pray for the people who made the film Gigli, and if you see gum on the street, don't eat it. It's not free candy."
"Amen to that." Klonoa and Huepow chorused.
"Can I die now?"
"I... suppose so." Klonoa murmured.
"Good." And with that, Emperor Jillius died.
Or did he?
Of course he didn't! This game is PG-rated for a good reason!
"It was all a dream?!" He cried as he woke up. "God, I must have one heck of an imagination!" He ran straight to the balcony to find a group protest right outside.
"People!" He shouted. "I realize I was wrong! Go home and have a nice nap, and forgive me! I'll allow dreams again!"
And with that order, everyone lived happily ever after.
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WTF... O.o
Sadly, this took much longer than 30 minutes to write. Which is really, really daft. I even cut scenes from the original to make it fit, but the fact remains that this fic is quite long still.
I should have cut it up and posted it that way...