A/N Hello! Yes it's me again with another one-shot, whilst my longer story still hasn't been updated… I'm having a bit of a brain block on that one so do forgive me :( This was just a random story I thought up because of something my little brother said. What he actually said was "can you imagine the Mighty Boosh trying to get through an airport?" followed by some crazy mental images and laughter from both of us. So this is what it is, from a slightly different viewpoint. Enjoy! And please please please review? Thank you :D . Oh and extra Boosh points if you can find the Eleanor reference, it's quite obvious I hope. :')
Disclaimer: none of the Mighty Boosh characters belong to me. Steve from check-in kinda belongs to me I suppose. (And I know the name isn't very imaginative but my brother persuaded me that Steve was 'cool')
Panic at the Airport
It was the summer holidays, which was a good thing for everyone. Except of course for those unlucky enough work in airports. It wasn't that they didn't like their jobs, although it was true that not everyone was happy, but then again pleasing everyone seems pretty impossible. It seemed to be some kind of unspoken British tradition to try and jet-set to somewhere 'exciting' and 'chilled out' in the summer. It was for this reason that summer was often referred to as 'the dark days' of check-in. Which would probably sound amusing, if you didn't work there, Steve thought to himself, glaring unhappily at his computer screen.
It was Steve's first day in his new job, and already he had begun to understand what people had meant by 'the dark days of check-in'. The weird and wacky (and sometimes just plain odd) people of England had emerged in their thousands to try and board a plane to somewhere else. And to be honest, Steve was quite glad whenever one of them left. So far he had spent his day telling a goth that he was not allowed more than 100ml of sun cream just because he was pale, a old woman that she was not allowed to use the same passport she had had in the 60s to travel with now, and a rather strange man in a blue suit that was obviously too small for him, that lions were most definitely not allowed onto the plane with him, whether or not they were on their honeymoon. He had sincerely hoped that last one was a joke.
Things had been calmer for the last hour or so. His lunch break had been and gone without incident, and he had even found the time to direct a rather attractive looking voluptuous brunette with a rather sexy voice (quite slow and drawn out) towards gate 3, he'd even been given her business card, quite an achievement in just one lunchtime if you asked him. It was as Steve was thinking this and settling back behind his check-in desk he noticed a herd of people seemingly fleeing from around the front entrance of the airport. Mothers were dragging their children behind them in a mad dash for the nearest exit, couples gripped each other tightly as they were pushed by the surge of people running from the doorway, tickets and baggage stickers were flying everywhere, and bags were left strewn all over the floor.
At first Steve thought there must have been a fire, but then he remembered his induction day; where he was told that the technology in the airport meant that it would be impossible for even a spark to go unnoticed – let alone a whole fire without even a fire alarm sounding. As the crowd of people began to subside, Steve caught a glimpse of what had caused all this panic amongst the passengers. What he saw was a very strange looking family. A tall, lanky man wearing what looked to be tweed shorts (and the only brown Hawaiian shirt Steve had ever seen in his life) was being dragged behind a skinny, weird looking woman in a brightly coloured jumpsuit and large floppy hat. Behind them was what Steve could only guess to be their son. He seemed to be gliding through the chaos as if he was used to it, not even acknowledging the other passengers screams. But it wasn't only that that made him appear a little strange. Steve guessed that his parents must have let him dress himself; as he had arrived dressed in what appeared to be an Aladdin's genie costume, complete with turban.
Now despite the odd appearance of the family Steve had thought that this screaming was a bit of an overreaction, as they weren't actually doing anything but walking towards check-in, (where miraculously there was no queue for the first time in history). But that was until he saw the final member of their little group. A gorilla. A large, black, hairy gorilla. He gulped.
The gorilla was bringing up the rear of the group, casually pushing a trolley which contained four suitcases, and glancing left and right at the crowds of people peering at him over the edge of the various newspapers and magazines they had taken refuge behind. He seemed to take pleasure in the fact that they cowered away when he looked in their direction. Now he didn't want to admit it, but Steve was actually a little scared. He had never liked big animals. He fought the urge to run screaming like the rest of the check-in desk staff seemed to have done – he tried to look professional and smiled in what he hoped was a natural way to the tall man who was heading towards his desk. He heard a little snippet of an argument that the couple seemed to be having:
"Come on Howard get your northern pegs in gear! We need to hurry up or we're going to miss getting a window seat!"
"It's not like a bus, you get given tickets, you can't just push to the window. And stop digging at my legs! They've got me far these legs, from Leeds to London, anonymity to stardom…"
"Stardom? You're about as well known as next door's cat!"
"We live above a shop, there is no next door!"
"Well, there you go then" the shorter woman finished gleefully, sweeping some of her black fringe back into place.
Steve coughed slightly to remind the couple of his presence – without drawing the attention of the glaring primate behind them. He coughed nervously. "H-hello, I'm Steve from check-in, can I haveyourpassportsplease?" he finished in a rush, as the gorilla turned to stare at him. The tall man, Howard, produced four passports and tickets from somewhere in his shorts. He gestured towards them,
"they're multi-purpose" he said proudly, handing over the documents to Steve, just as the woman behind him leant forwards and smiled happily at him, practically shouting a greeting;
"Hello Steve-from-check-in!" Steve just nodded politely at her, ignoring her wide grin, trying to get it all over and done with as soon as possible. This was not what he needed on his first day. Or any other day to be honest. He opened the first passport, it was Howard's.
"Name?" he sighed
"Howard T.J Moon"
"Date of Birth?" at this, the taller man blushed slightly, and leaned over the desk to whisper it to Steve. Whilst the whole time the woman behind him seemed to be trying her best to eavesdrop. 'Odd couple' Steve thought 'not even knowing each other's ages'. He handed Howard back his passport and moved to the next in the pile; the woman's.
"Name?"
"Vince Noir, Rock and Roll Star" he stated, throwing some shapes as if to prove his claim. At this Steve noticed two things. One, it really did say all that on his passport. And two, the unattractive woman was actually a very attractive man. He blushed at his mistake, trying not to show it. Embarrassed at himself he just nodded and moved onto the next passport, fumbling with the pages as he tried to get it open in the right place. He smiled kindly at the small boy in front of him;
"What's your name then?"
The child looked up at him and spoke, (with a slight lisp), as if he was repeating a catchphrase. "I'm Naboo that's who"
"And how old are you Naboo?" he spoke patronisingly down at the child. When he didn't get an answer straight away he turned to the parents for support, but they were looking at him with faces full of, pity?
"I'm 406 years old. And for talking like that I'm going to have to turn my back on you"
And he did.
It was a very unnerving experience, having a small 406 year old man in a blue turban turn his back on you. And he definitely was 406, Steve had checked the passport. He now felt quite faint. He looked up to the sound of fairground music, to see the man revolving back round to face him again. "Let that be a lesson to ya." he said, before reaching up on tiptoes to snatch the passport back from Steve's hands. Steve just sat, shocked, staring at his now empty hands for a few moments; until a shadow was thrown over him. He glanced up into the eyes of the gorilla and gulped. Shakily opening the final passport – he didn't even have time to open his mouth before he was interrupted.
The gorilla could talk.
"I'm Bollo. I 40. But for DJ I say 29. Not sure what age I tell man who faked me passport."
At this the small man turned and hissed at him, "Bollo!"
"Oh, Sorry."
"I don't believe this." Naboo said, and producing some weird sparkling dust from his pocket, blew it directly into Steve's eyes. Steve was then too busy trying to claw the stuff out of his eyes to notice the weird family leave. When he recovered he rang up his boss;
"I demand a pay rise".