Series: Naruto
Rating: PG
Warnings: Repetition, rambling, confusing analogies, angst, sap, absence of grammar, vague yaoi, delusional people, marriage, incongruous titles, and suchlike.
Summary: Future-esque. In a future where Sakura is married to Sasuke, it hurts the author too much to give them a happy ending. SakuSasu, SasuNaru.
Author: Mewling
Title: This Side of Love
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This Side of Love
by mewling
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I. Love
Sasuke's never told Sakura he loved her.
She'd like to think it's not because he doesn't, but it's because he has a hard time expressing himself. After all- if he didn't, why was she here, in his apartment? Why did they share a bed? Why did she change her name to Uchiha?
Sakura loves Sasuke more than anything. She feels it most when she looks at his photograph when he's away, when she presses heated flesh against the cold glass in the shower and when she touches him as he sleeps. It's like a throbbing ache that starts in her abdomen and spreads to her chest. It's like chakra burning under her skin, on her lips and forcing itself out of her tear ducts.
It doesn't matter, the empty space at the breakfast table. It doesn't matter, the impassive face she only sees. It doesn't matter, the stilted conversation and distracted haste. It doesn't matter, the awkwardly impersonal touch and methodical approach (1). In her mind, she can still remember the soft words, 'Thank-you'.
And that's all she needs.
Right?
Sakura's the sort of person who needs to be told things to really believe them. She tells things to herself, like a mantra, wanting to believe. Those feelings she has, forming lumps in her throat, she depends on. His voice as it vibrates on her ear drums, his face reflected on her retinas, his sweat that diffuses into the air she breathes… the memory, like hot smoke in the rain, those word that she sometimes speaks aloud to herself, alone in the kitchen…
Me, love
you? he'd
said, looking
like he was
about
to
laugh.
She supposes it's the closest thing he'd ever come to smiling at her, and tries not to let things like irony make her too bitter.
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II. Desire
Sasuke's never told her he wanted her.
It's always been known to her he needed to restore his clan. So she figured, that being the closest female to him, it was only natural he'd go for her. She wasn't the smartest in class for no reason.
When Sakura sits in the apartment that's more hers than his, and watches the town through the window, she thinks that a Sasuke inspired loneliness must be the worst. To Sakura, this is love. She wonders if Sasuke, wherever he is, thinks the same. It's nicer than thinking he's just sparring with him somewhere.
Sakura doesn't think she should be surprised, when she sees his face in daylight hours, but she does. To her, he's still a mystery. She likes that. Sakura loves his face's every contour, its every shade, its every expression, flushed, pressed into the pillow beside her head. She loves his body's shape, its warmth, its substance beneath her fingertips, it's colour in the moonlight, its contrast with his hair. She wants to think that it's hers, and hers alone. She wants to believe in all those words she tells herself that Sasuke wants to say.
She doesn't want to hear those words he does say, or the sound of the glass sliding door like fingernails on a chalk board, at three a.m. when he leaves. The words that reverberate in her ears as she lies alone in damp sheets, listening to the rain outside.
Try
again
next
week.
She's learnt not to let the words surprise her anymore, but as the warmth rapidly fades from Sasuke's pillow, she knows she can't learn to make hurt any less.
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III. Fidelity
Sasuke's never told her he didn't love anyone else.
There are times in Sakura's life when she lets the loneliness get the better of her, and she follows Sasuke to places she shouldn't. She doesn't know why she does it, but it's become like an addiction. It hurts to be second best, it hurts to be unable to pretend she's anything but.
It's like the pain makes the love even stronger, when she stands behind the tree and watches. It's that feeling of unrequited, as her eyes blur and he mind blurs and she's no longer sure whether she's in love with Sasuke or in love with being in love with Sasuke.
She doesn't bother to hide herself much; it wouldn't matter if she did, he would know. There's pain to be felt knowing that he doesn't care if she knows, doesn't care if she sees-
And
she
feels
it.
They move, oh they move, like they're one body, one soul. They fight like it's the only means of expression they have, and it's so passionate, so hot, so- so emotional. And she knows that right now, Sasuke could be sitting and brunching with her. And that he could all those other times. But instead, he's here, and it's like it the only time he's alive.
Sakura doesn't know, doesn't understand, this Sasuke. She wants it, she wants to love it, more than anything. She doesn't want to see it grin at him like that, like he's the only one Sasuke needs. She doesn't want to see it laugh like that, like it's never been so happy than at this moment. She doesn't want to see it lean over like that, and whisper in his ear, loud enough that she can hear—
You.
Brought.
Me.
Back.
She doesn't want to see it touch him like that, like they're alone in this world, like it needs him more than oxygen (2), like—
— like Sakura doesn't exist.
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IV. Companionship
Sasuke's never told her he'd stay by her side.
Sakura had never thought of him as the type to readily adjust to change, but that can't always be used as an excuse. Ino doesn't believe it, Lee doesn't believe it, and so it's best not to tell anyone. It's important to be strong.
But she feels weak, when she cries, when she's honest to Ino, when she seeks comfort in Lee's unwavering kindness. Sasuke, the one in the relationship who is loved, the one who has all the power- is strong. She's weak when she begs, when she pleads, when she's banging fists against the locked bathroom door as he escapes through the window.
It's hardest the first few times, when he tells her he'd rather do something else. The anger he doesn't hide, the sneers, the contempt. The Sakura from long ago still lives in her breast and screams at her to
never
forget
those
feelings
and the love she can't let go of because there is nothing else (3). Because Sasuke is beautiful. Because Sasuke is strong. Because it is Sasuke who is there, Sasuke whose heart beat is louder in her ears, Sasuke who is better, who is superior, who is an U-chi-ha.
Yet it's the same person who she's seen soaked and vulnerable in the rain, clutching his best friends body. It's the same person who complimented her when she was twelve, when she was weak. It's still the Sasuke who protected her, who called her comrade,
whose gentle
hand touched
that person's
face
so
softly
and she can never let go.
Sakura can break through walls with one finger. She can break the ground beneath her feet with one punch. There's few others who know the insane strength she does.
But it's Sasuke's retreating back, his fading voice, and Sakura knows her greatest weakness can sometimes be her tenancy.
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V. Protection
Sasuke's never told her he would protect her.
And there's a part of Sakura which doesn't believe she needs it, and another, much larger part that knows she does, and wants it even more. Sakura's as afraid of demons and enemy ninjas as the next person. She wants to feel safe, cared for, like for someone, for some reason, her existence is necessary.
She believes her reason for existence lies in other people; surely she was born so she could meet Sasuke. She wants to exist, and continue to do so, for Sasuke, for his happiness. This is her purpose, her reason. He is.
What Sakura seeks in Sasuke, some things she knows she won't find. He's never told her otherwise, so she knows that for him, her existence isn't necessary, so she's not surprised, but it doesn't mean she likes it. He might knock away a kunai headed in her direction, but it's her fears, her loneliness, her worries and nightmares, he won't protect her from.
Midday, watching the birds fly above Konoha from the balcony, people scurrying about below. Sakura believes in her decisions, stands by her choices, regrets nothing. Empty cage on her left
she couldn't
keep it
trapped
forever.
Five o'clock, the late autumn sun sets; lean against the railing- it's quiet behind, but it's so noisy below. Shadows grow and merge, the smell of family meals wafting up from the city.
Evening now, eating dinner for one. The dull ring of her ears in the silence presses to the back of her head- memories burning in her nasal cavity. Cleaning up, the sound of running water and clinking dishes- kissing a photograph goodnight, lips pressed against the cold glass- isn't this a bachelor's life style?
Morning comes, alone again; emptiness in the white walls, white sheets, white light on dust. Touching the ring on her finger, Sakura feels her love in the cold of her fingertips; there's nothing to fear
but
herself.
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VI. Reliance
Sasuke never told Sakura she could rely on him.
The tiles on the bathroom floor are small squares. The rim of the toilet is white enamelled ceramic, cool and penetrating. The bathroom smells of soap with vague hints of mould and old blood. The toilet basin tapers into a pool of water.
It isn't hard to realise, it's probably a lack of understanding. Sakura's devotion falls short of effect; expectations and dreams become redundant and wither from starvation. She can't lean on someone who isn't there. But when it comes down to it, she's gotten what she asked for.
She's probably to young to heap on the denial as much as she does; but it's harder and harder everyday to live life as a useless person to someone she loves more than anything. He forgets, she knows; he says so, calmly, to her. And she'll sit there, feeling stupid for all her brains, her love her weakness, not her strength, her devotion his burden, not his need and her existence superfluous.
Sakura doesn't know what Sasuke thinks, what he feels, where he is and what he wants. She's not the person he'd tell. But she likes to think she's the person he needs. He's almost said as much, in a way, to her before, and those words
I do
have a
use
for you,
honest, like that, twist to sometimes comfort and sometimes upset.
Seeing his face in her mind, she feels his honesty grow within her, tastes her use in her mouth. And it's hard to forget, there's no turning back, and no denial to be found- she was a medic nin, she knows what this is.
It's the pink hanks of hair she pulls out of her own face, vomit dripping from her mouth, saliva forming on her lip, acid and bile burning the back of her throat. It's the progesterone in her blood, the periods that never came. It's her pale fingers as they curl around the protrusion of her belly.
It's her Use. And she knows it, because
he's
never
lied
to
her.
And for that, she hates him.
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/END THIS SIDE OF LOVE/
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A/N:
(1) Please don't make me make this more explicit. I want to keep this PG.
(2) Ooh! Plagiarised. That was a good story.
(3) Kimi Wa Pet. Yay for plagiarising.
(N.B: The title was taken from a book called , This Side of Peace; although, it's actually about the Israel-Palestine conflict, and the peace process. )
PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND- I don't mind Sakura. She'll never be a favourite character of mine, and it has taken the whole series for me to see that she isn't so bad. But she leaves herself open for angst and melancholy, and I'm a cruel person.
This is the forth story I have written about disenchanted wives. This means that approximately 60 of all fanfiction I've published is about unhappy marriages. Dear gods, I have problems.
It's a becoming something of a cliché, the relationship between Sasuke and Naruto I have in this story. But it's my favourite so…
Feelin' not so satisfied with this story. I ended up incorporating two or three themes (words, honesty, love), and it became too busy.
Uh, about the plot holes and inconsistencies… umm… please ignore them.
Please review.
(P.S: If you don't understand something, tell me in your review, and I'll put something in my bio ASAP)