Throwing down the Gauntlet
Disclaimer: If I owned Kim Possible do you really think they would have canceled the show unless it was over my cold dead body?
Legalistic Nonsense: This is getting a T rating but up front, Ron's sitch is a bit risqué. That said there's nothing remotely explicit in this story, I just don't want another pitchfork and torch mob saying I didn't warn you. Now consider yourself warned and read on.
You'd think that being best friends for so long something like this would have happened years ago. Maybe it was her dad's threats of blasting me into a black hole, or the threats of all the cheerleaders to kill any guy who tried anything like this to one of their own, and it's always possible that maybe it was even plain old luck. But threats only work for so long and luck can only hold out so many times before everything comes crashing down. And let's be clear about this before you start judging me, Kim might be my best friend in the whole world but I'm still a red blooded teenaged male and you can't deny that Kim is a very attractive woman. Basically what I'm trying to say is that when hormones kick in even the best of us are pretty much toast as far as higher brain functions go.
I imagine I've either piqued your curiosity by now or utterly disgusted you but either way you probably want to know just what it is that happened to get me thinking like this. Well the first thing you need to know is that not every mission KP and I go on gets on the evening news or in the papers. Most of them are lucky to get a blurb in the school paper, not at all because Bonnie's the editor, and the only result of the mission is that we have a new person to give us a ride when we need it. But what you probably don't know, and I don't blame you at all for not knowing, is that plenty of very interesting things happen on these less glamorous outings. And if you haven't figured it out by now I'm talking about something quite interesting indeed that happened on one of these missions that's been utterly consuming my mind ever since.
And what exactly is it that's been consuming my mind for the last two weeks to the point where at Bueno Nacho last week I barely took a bite out of my grande sized Naco? Red lace, that's what, those two simple words can't even begin to do justice to what's going through my head. Last night my mom decided to splurge and make a cherry pie from scratch, if you don't know anything about my mom's cooking it's where I got my talents from so that should tell you how good her pies are. And I couldn't enjoy a single slice because as soon as I saw those cherries my mind went blank with a shade of red just like it only it was on something different.
I guess I can't go any further if I don't tell you what's behind my sudden obsession with red lace, you can probably take a good stab at what happened but I think you need the details if you're going to fully appreciate my situation here. The mission was a pretty boring one, one you really wouldn't think would have led to this but my English teacher says something about the best laid plans of mice and men and all that. Kim and I were helping a couple of Forest Rangers catalogue animal populations in some areas that were recovering from fires that day. I know, it really doesn't sound like something two globe hopping teenagers would spend an afternoon doing but one it's Kim we're talking about and two Forest Rangers know all sorts of back roads and have surprising connections that can get you places a lot faster than you'd think so it helps to get on their good side when you can.
I'd say I have no idea what possessed Kim to go up in that tree to try getting a closer look at the squirrel but like before this is Kim Possible we're talking about here and that should really be all you need to hear to guess why she went up the tree. And in case you didn't know it let me state one of Ron Stoppable's facts of the world for you here and now, squirrels can be evil little creatures, don't let their 'cute fluffy tails' fool you into thinking they're anything but disease carrying evil little devil things. This squirrel must have been the king or queen, never was sure if it was a guy or a girl squirrel, but anyways it must have been some sort of super squirrel. As Kim climbs up this tree to get a look at it the thing starts squeaking and what else, tries to bite my best friend.
Somehow I missed the results of her falling through the tree at first, in retrospect I was so totally in denial that something like this would ever happen it just didn't process what I was seeing until I actually ran up to her and started looking to see if she was okay. Only at this point did it occur to me that Kim was missing something, namely her shirt. Now here's where things get a bit unusual and interesting, for most missions Kim would be wearing a sports bra, and I probably wouldn't have freaked seeing that. She's a cheerleader and I kinda process her as wearing one normally, and I've seen her in a swimsuit which is pretty much the same. But this mission had been a bit of a last minute one and instead I ran up to see Kim sitting there in shock at not being hurt and in a bright red lace bra.
Yeah, needless to say I came to a screeching halt and starred. It took Kim a little while to realize I was standing there and a little longer to realize just what I was starring at but once she did her scream brought me back to my senses very, very fast. At least as much as anything could bring me back to my senses when my mind had an image like that branded into it. I've known Kim is a girl for awhile but this was one of those moments that really hammered that fact home, rather like the little black dress during the moodulator incident. Only this was much more, sure she looked gorgeous in that little black dress but it still had that aura of leaving some things to the imagination. This was a red lace bra we're talking about, a red lace bra people. Needless to say it left far less to the imagination and may I return you to the fact that best friends or not I am a red blooded teenaged male.
By that I mean coming back to my senses in this case meant going from starring at Kim unable to so much as blink to starring at Kim muttering almost incoherently. Though Kim did later tell me that the words "red" and "lace" did turn up more than a few times. But can you really blame me, like I said I know Kim's a girl and that means she's going to wear a bra but this is just one of those things that you can't fully understand unless you experience it. I suppose it doesn't have to be my kind of experience, probably any moment where you realize that your friend of the opposite gender isn't just of the opposite gender but is a very good looking member of the opposite gender. And I guess it's even more than that in this case, I've known Kim is good looking for awhile now but seeing her in a red lace bra like that gets me thinking that maybe I should stop thinking about Kim as a girl and start thinking about her as a woman.
Before you go thinking that all I wanted after this was to drag her to the nearest bed and jump her let me speak in my own defense. Yes I'm a red blooded teenaged male, we've covered that before, and the thought did cross my mind. But besides the whole black hole deep threat she's my best friend and no matter what I see her wearing and now matter how good she looks in it I'd rather die before I do something like that. Now if Kim did the jumping wearing something like that it'd be a whole different story but that's not this story and I need to work on finishing this story so we can get to where I am right now.
So after screaming Kim did the classic cover herself with her arms move while I stood there like… well like a teenager who had just seen a girl who happens to be his best friend in some rather revealing lingerie. After she realized that I wasn't going to be any help to her Kim decided that she would just have to get her shirt herself. This one is more for the men out there but let me tell you, sitting right there if I asked you to picture a woman in a bra from behind you might not have a total mental shut down. Imagine doing that after getting the front view and the completion of the whole picture might just put you right back into a complete nose bleeding situation.
She got her shirt back from the tree and put it on but believe me that did next to nothing for my condition, I'm sure you all have some experiences that you can remember like you were there and it shouldn't surprise you to think that this quickly became one of mine. Kim telling me to get my head back on my shoulders and follow her back to the camp fell on utterly deaf ears and she had to drag me back by main force more than anything else. And the ride back to Middleton was an interesting one to say the least. Kim calmed down at that point but I was still pretty much catatonic with that image of her in a red lace bra going through my head over and over. A bit like sugar plum fairies on Christmas Eve except it was late July and I don't think Tchaikovsky ever pictured little sprites looking like this.
Yes I do know who Tchaikovsky is, spend enough time flying around the world and you'll hear enough people talking about enough stuff that even if my grades aren't exactly the best I could probably do pretty well for myself on a trivia show. Back to my story though Kim dumped me off at home and fortunately my parents never did find out what happened. Kim certainly wasn't going to tell them and believe me whenever I get near the topic I tend to lose the ability to talk about much anything. I guess it's probably a good thing this is only the first week in August, that leaves me a little more precious time to get my wits back about me before school starts and my inability to think about anything other than Kim in that red lace bra puts my grades in even more danger
The afternoon after we got back Kim's dad decided to drag the whole family up to visit her uncle Slim and while I probably could have gone if I wanted I was in no shape to say I wanted to go. I think I spent the whole day sprawled on the couch staring at my ceiling, I might have moved to go to the bathroom and eat once or twice the whole day. Otherwise I could have given someone in a coma a run for their money as far as being still goes.
And now you've caught up with my predicament, Kim promised to drop by when she gets back today and even a week later I'm still not much better than I was the day she dragged me back to my house. Here I am sitting at home, the TV's tuned to some channel but I'm not even close to paying attention. Instead my head is back in that forest under a particular tree watching a certain red headed best friend of mine sitting on the ground covered only by that red lace bra that's haunted my dreams ever since. Did I forget to mention that the fact Kim's red headed really isn't helping matters much? I don't think I did but I think it's fairly obvious that it's a short leap from red head to red lace. Considering that both of these are talking about the same person it's an even shorter leap and it should come as no great surprise that I'm a real mess right now.
And then the moment I've been dreading all week, there's a knock on the door and I know it's not my parents because they're not supposed to be back from Upperton till tonight and they wouldn't knock they'd come in through the garage.
"Hi Ron," Kim just had to wrap me in a great big 'I missed you' hug when my mind is in this state.
Okay, you might think it's a bit impolite to not respond to your best friend when she hugs you but with Kim pressed right up against me I was aware of two particular pressures against me if you catch my drift. And at this point I don't think I even need to mention what that brought to mind but if I'm going through this misery then you're all coming with me so say it with me, red lace. It doesn't help one bit that Kim's wearing a new shirt, sort of a purple wrap-around that dips a fair bit lower than anything else I've seen her wear with the exception of the little black dress.
"H-hey KP," if she can't tell I'm nervous from the stutter in my voice something is seriously wrong, "how was the vacation?"
"It was great," I can tell when Kim's putting on a false front and believe me this is one of those times, "Uncle Slim finally worked out all the bugs for his robotic horses and we spent a whole day out riding on them. Joss is doing fine too, she said to tell you hi and that she's still got all her pictures of you up on her wall."
"That's… nice." It's definitely one of those days when hearing about your best friend's little cousin having a more than slightly creepy crush on you is a relief because it's a distraction. "That's a new shirt isn't it?"
"Yeah," Kim tugging the shirt down to smooth it out is doing absolutely nothing for me, "we stopped at a mall on the way back and it just called out to me. Dad wasn't too happy, said it's showing way too much but Mom talked him down from his tree."
Oh boy here we go, Kim just had to go and use a word like tree because now the whole red lace bra incident is right there between us. But if you think I'm gonna be the first one to bring this up you must be crazy because that's what I'd have to be to tell Kim I want to talk about her choice in underwear. That said there's been another question nagging me; a red lace bra isn't exactly the kind of thing you wear without an equally interesting partner. And I can't help wondering just what that partner is. I know, Kim's probably never going to have a pants falling episode like me but a man can dream and last night my brain sure did.
"Okay Ron," see I told you I wasn't going to start this conversation, "I know it's still bothering you and if you want to talk or even just scream incoherently go for it."
"Bothering me? What's bothering me?" Not that I'm calling Kim one, but when a bear asks you to follow it into its cave you run the other way.
People tell me that Bonnie's glare is a scary thing but obviously these people have never had an angry Kim Possible staring them down, "Come on, I can see through you better than anyone else and I know you're still freaking out."
Now right away I'm realizing I should have gone with a verbal response instead of trying to avoid eye contact by looking down. I've grown a couple of inches over Kim in the last few months and all of a sudden it's become obvious to me that those extra few inches are giving me a near perfect view down her wrap-around.
"Fine," Kim's apparently decided I'm no longer needed in this conversation, "if you won't say anything then I'll just do this all by myself.
And at this moment another thing is being made obvious to me; I'm never going to be able to look at the sky again. That's because Kim just reached down and pulled her wrap-around open showing a sky blue lace bra, exact same as the red one and just as damaging to my mental state. Some small corner of my mind is thinking that it's odd for Kim to do this, but maybe this is just some odd extreme of best friends helping each other or maybe my pants have fallen down enough times that this is karma somehow evening things out.
"Hope you enjoyed that Ron," that can't have been more than a few seconds but it felt like a few glorious and torturous hours from here, "because you're not getting a peek at that again."
Okay, Kim just walked out the door and I just realized a third thing, she managed to bring me back to my senses just now. Not just incoherent muttering back to my senses, no we're talking all my brain cylinders are firing back to my senses. And what you may wonder did Kim do to bring me back to my senses?
Kim Possible just threw down the gauntlet saying I'm never getting another look at one of her lace bras again. And don't think I'm going rooting through her drawers or anything, she's told me which ones to avoid and that's what I'm gonna do. Instead it's time for Ron Stoppable to become Ron Stepuppable and meet Kim's challenge head on.
AN: The original idea for this one came to me during the giant marathon before Graduation, Low Budget got my brain thinking what if something else had ripped. Then I finally had a few homework free days and suffering from writers block on my two big stories I decided this would be a great time to write this little gem. If only to show all of you that I'm still alive and still writing. Hopefully next time the updates come faster than this but I'm still around. Ciao all.