Disclaimer: GW is not owned by me or anyone I know. I just mess with their minds after the plot bunnies mess with mine.
Warnings: Yaoi, Character death, sadness and lots angst. You have been warned.
Pairings: 1xR and 1x2
The End of Pain. - A short story by Lady Syndil, please R&R
Loneliness, self loathing, agony and pain.
These were things he lived with daily now. Death was the cowards way out, he knew it, yet he longed for it. How many times now had he put the muzzle of his favorite pistol in his mouth now? 5 times, 10 times, 2 dozen times, probably more. Something always held him back, sometimes it was as simple as doing it while there were other people around who could stop him in time, or just the thought of what his friends would think, that would make him hesitate. Other times the gun wasn't loaded and he was just playing sick mind games with himself, a practice run you could say.
Did he want it? To die... to permanently end his pain?
YES!
Did he think it was fair to everyone else who claimed to love him. No, it was not fair, but life is not fair. If it was, then he would not have gotten stuck in the situation he was in.
He'd made some pretty big mistakes during the war, but none so stupid as giving into Relena. He'd found her naked waiting for him in his bed. She'd caught him in a weak moment shortly after the Mariemaia incident. Nine months later Heero Jr. had been born, by that time Heero had done what he always did. He'd done his duty and had married her. He hadn't loved her then, but he had hoped he could, someday. Three years later little Kimihiro had followed his brother into the peaceful world he had helped create, and continued to sustain by working at Preventors as a field agent.
But it hadn't worked out the way he had hoped, not at all. And it was getting to a point where he was beyond caring about it anymore.
Too late, far too late... he had discovered who it was that he really loved, the other half of his soul. He had most likely loved him from the beginning, even before he knew what that emotions was. Mix that with the pain of all the emotional baggage from his non-existent childhood... he started drinking. But that only dulled the pain, and thanks to his high tolerance to drugs and alcohol it only lasted for a little while. He wanted it to end, end permanently.
He'd tried carbon Monoxide first, thinking it would be less messy for those left behind. But he had felt so sick that he'd ended up saving himself. He'd never liked feeling sick. So he'd narrowed it down to a bullet in the brain, fast and then it was over. All he had to do now was pull the trigger.
Just Pull the Trigger
Just Pull the Trigger
A child's laughter floated thru the air (sigh) not today. Today he still had a reason to live, at least for a little while.
So he would go to the 'other one' the one that held his heart. That would help, and for a while at least he would be happy and his life would be in balance. Looking into those sweet violet eyes so full of love for him, touching that long chestnut hair. God how he loved taking it out of the braid it was normally in and running his fingers thru it, and seeing it flowing around them both, creating their own special place, a place that held only the two of them. There they would love, love like there was no tomorrow, because there may very well be no tomorrow, not for them. Eventually the fear and loathing would come, and he would push his true love away, sure that he didn't deserve the love that shone in those lovely amethyst eyes. They would fight, terrible, horrible, name calling fights, and his love would walk away, tears glistening in those violet pools, body tense, and they would try to ignore each other though they both worked for Preventors.
Perhaps a week would go by, or a month. Once nearly a year went by while he tormented himself. But eventually he would give in and allow himself to get near his love and speak to him. And the cycle, would start all over again. For all was forgiven as long as they were together.
Then the unthinkable happened, there was an important case, one that required his love to go deep undercover on one of the colonies. His home colony of L2 to be precise.
They were in the middle of one of their fights, a big one, and they hadn't spoken to each other in months. He listened to the gossip and conversations in the gym. After a couple of months his love had broken the case, and it had been nothing short of amazing, but then he had always known his love was special. He had done such a good job that he had been promoted, to head the Preventors branch there on his home colony of L2.
That was how his love left him, and he was more alone than he had ever been before. The loneliness pulled at him, dragged him down into dark and terrible places. He called his love after a few months, once he'd cracked the case and been promoted. Joy filed his heart at the sound of that beloved voice. They planned a getaway just the two of them, if only for a single day. But everything that could go wrong, had, and they were unable to connect that fateful day.
He lasted 1 more year, holding on by a thread. Then one day out of the blue he called his love. Yes, he had left the Preventors, the rumors were true. He was training for another career now, life was okay. How are you, damn it's good to hear your voice, I miss you, wish you were here... But never those three little words did he say to his love, terrified that if he said them, them he would never be able to leave behind the pain.
Several weeks later he found himself in the same place as always, the muzzle of his favorite gun resting in his mouth.
Just pull the trigger
Just pull the tri...BANG
His pain is over.
- Duo's POV -
His pain ends, life is over for him, where does he go from here? That tormented soul that hurt so much? I have no idea.
My heart bleeds and hurts so much, my friends say it will get better. But I wonder how true that really is and how long will this deep pain will last, days , weeks, years, or the rest of my life. Will I ever feel joy again, or any real happiness, God knows I haven't had any, not really. Not since the last time I spent with him, and that was nearly 2 years ago now, isn't that just pathetic? I don't even know how to be happy anymore. I can't even fake it, like I normally would. That mask is broken, perhaps beyond repair.
It's funny you think you are over someone, then they up and die on you, and you realize how very much you are not over them, not at all.
Oh sure, I knew I still cared, but I mean he let me leave without a single word. I figured he was glad to see me go, to get off the rollercoaster that was our relationship. So I tried to get on with my life. But every once in a while he would call, he called me. The connection was still there and that helped if only a little bit, because he called me.
Just before the end, he called me. He thought, of ME. But now he will never think of me again, and all I have now are memories, a few trinkets, and dreams that will never come true. His Cerulean blue eyes are closed forever now, and I will never be able to gaze into them ever again.
Is true love real you ask?
YES...Cause it hurts like bitch when the person you love leaves you behind. I almost want to follow him, almost. If I wasn't so scared of what comes after, I think I would. I am already so unhappy, how much more unhappy can I be? I only fear the nothingness.
The nothingness is what holds me here , that and a promise made long ago, not to follow his path but to find my own.
Bastard knew he was going to do this to me, had told me even, more than once that someday he would end it when the pain became too much. I was the only person he trusted completely, and he told me everything.
He had told me of his failed attempts, in fact our last big fight before I came to L2 on that assignment was caused by one of his failed attempts. He'd been missing from work for several days, I knew he wasn't on an assignment. But I 'knew' in my heart, as I always did, that something was wrong, very very wrong with the other half of my soul. So I contacted him via his personal e-mail, I was such a coward. I was actually afraid to call, afraid there would be no answer. Bad move? Maybe, but it lead to him calling me almost immediately. Sure he blew up at me and said things a person should never say to anyone, period. But it hadn't mattered to me what he 'said', I knew he was in pain and deep down, I knew he didn't really mean it, any of it. In fact, I was just deliriously happy that he was still here to say something at all.
A few months later saw me heading to L2. Even after I was Promoted to head up Preventers HQ on L2, I had always hoped that someday... someday, we could be together for real, grow old together and that I could heal his broken soul.
He knew I secretly feared death, my death. Some 'God of Death' I am, right? But that is just another mask I put on whenever I need too. But most of all, he knew I feared the nothingness.
He didn't fear the nothingness.
He longed for it.
They buried my Heero today, I wasn't allowed to attend, even after all this time Relena still hates my guts. My friends, the other ex-pilots, have gone to say my goodbyes for me, it will have to do. Instead I write this tribute to our love. Sad as it often was, at least it was real.
I'll join him, someday, and just as I promised, I swear it, and I never lie.
My beloved Heero, wait for me... please.
Owari