Broken: A Spuffy One-Shot
Song: Breathe You In by Thousand Foot Krutch
Taking hold, breaking in
You stood on the parapet of disaster,
reaching out to me
with alabaster hands.
I couldn't reach
for so long—
but now I know
that my hands
fits perfectly
in yours.
The pressures on, need to circulate
You lay on the bed,
reaching out to me,
with pleading eyes.
I couldn't make a move,
for so long,
but now I know
that your satin sheets
are the only ones
that feel right
beneath me.
Mesmerized and taken in
I stood on the edge of disaster,
looking for your loving gaze,
and when I found it,
I fell into the deep pool
it made—
Moving slow, so it resonates
I felt it resonate around me,
sweeping me into the dreamland
of perfection.
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My body aches for sleep—
a reprieve from the endless dreams
of you—
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
But my mind holds on tightly,
clinging to
every thread left
of you.
I'll do my best, to seek you out
It knows that when I awaken,
you won't be there—
because I was too afraid
to take the risk.
And though I promise myself,
everyday,
to look for you—
I can't bring myself to put you
in so much pain.
And be myself, and not impersonate
that I came back 'wrong'—
truth is, baby,
I've always been wrong.
I lie to myself,
about who I am
inside—
but I can't hide from you.
You pulled out the soul in me,
dangled it in my face,
like a puppet on a string,
and you told me that it was mine—
but that I didn't want it—
and until I did,
you couldn't believe anything
about me.
I tried so hard to not walk away
I called you a hypocrite,
and laughed in your face—
a creature without a soul of his own,
lecturing me
on the state of my own?
And when things don't go my way
I was defeated,
and I couldn't stand it—
so I attacked you,
when you weren't my
attacker.
And you bled for me—
you ran away to prove me wrong.
Did you prove me wrong?
Do you have what I lost?
Did you find the soul,
you've always deserved?
I'll still carry on and on just the same
I'm no different,
though I cry a lot more—
I'm so in touch with my emotions…
now…
I think you'd be proud.
But you're not here
to prove me wrong,
and finish your job
of fixing me.
I came back wrong—
and now I'm broken.
And my protector is gone—
because I sent him away.
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
The Slayer,
they call me—
the killer of demons.
But what of my own demons?
Sometimes I think,
that I was meant to be one—
that maybe my destiny
is to become
what I've always been
afraid of.
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
Can I be what you are?
So dark…
but so pure?
Can I retain that piece of soul
you loved so much?
And still hold on to you?
Take me in your arms,
come back to me,
I want to feel the cold press
of your skin
against my warmth,
and I want you to take it
from me—
make me cold,
like you—
with enough warmth
in my chest
to love you
forever.
The fear of becoming
Can I fight back the blood
that beckons you?
Can I stay pure,
like you—
or if I take this plunge,
will I become a demon—
like the one beating his wings
beneath my breast?
I'm so tired of running
But I'm tired of running from demons—
someone can take my place.
My friends all have run—
they don't see why I trust you.
They think I've died—
but haven't I?
I know my heart still beats,
but it hasn't seen the sun
since you left.
It's not warm
anymore.
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breath you in
I want to breathe you in
Is that you
at the door?
Is that the sound
of a motorcycle—
the one I despised
but loved
at the same time?
Have you finally come home?
'Cause I need you in my arms—
I want to taste you,
smell you,
hear you,
feel you—
I want you see you
again.
I'm going in, so cover me
I take the energy needed
to leave your bed—
the dust threading behind me
like forgotten
fingertips.
I open the door
and bring forth an apology—
a declaration.
I'm bearing my heart,
don't shred it—
take it,
take me—
cover me—
in leather
and incense
and heady natural
fragrance—
bathe me
in you.
Your compass will, help me turn the page
You push me away,
which is the right thing,
I suppose,
to do.
Because I'm still stuck
in the past
and you're holding
the passport
to the future.
But I'm blind to it,
I get lost in circles.
You yank on my chain
and suddenly I see—
you're guiding me
to something
brighter—
something new—
and opening to a splendid
new book.
The laughing stock, I'll never be
They've cried for me,
they've died for me,
they've bled for me,
they're dead for me,
but never once
have they laughed at me.
They've lied for me,
they've tried for me,
they've fled for me,
they're misled…
because of me…
but they have never once
laughed at me.
Not like you have,
not like you will…
again.
Because I won't let them take me
Because I won't let them
get that far.
I won't let them touch upon
that weakness.
At least,
I wouldn't…
before.
You've always laughed
at me,
at yourself,
for me,
for yourself,
even for them.
And it didn't bring pain,
you didn't leave
when I wouldn't
laugh back.
You understood
that I was broken—
that I didn't understand.
And that I didn't know
that they knew too—
about my frenzied,
chipped,
and shattered state.
Insert another chorus and bridge here)
Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
It took a while,
long nights
in a cold bed,
for me to see—
that I'd finally driven
all of you
away.
And that,
when you'd been here,
I'd been blind
to the love
surrounding me
so plainly.
Anyone could see it,
but I'm not anyone,
am I?
I'm a nothing
compared to them…
to their…your…
humanity.
I'm broken.
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
But there's one thing I've always known,
somewhere in my half-dead
shell…
I knew that you loved me.
I couldn't accept it,
I didn't want it,
I didn't believe it,
I didn't understand it,
but I knew it.
And I knew that it would
never die.
And it's you
Sweet, alabaster prince,
once so broken…
now so pure.
You've come home
to take me in
and let me feel you
again.
I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
The Slayer of demons
is too weak for this;
so you'll have to take
the first breath,
the first step.
A crooked smile?
A gentle gaze?
A cool touch?
A loving embrace?
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
'Cause I'm drowning
in the silence—
I can see you,
but I can't feel you.
I'm standing right
in front of you,
but you won't speak,
won't breathe,
won't smile.
You won't kiss me,
talk to me…
even yell at me!
The fear of becoming
I see it,
there,
in your eyes—
that same fear.
I've changed,
I'm different now,
I'm still broken
but I'm not blind.
I'm so tired of running
I'm in your arms now,
but you're still not moving—
we're both so scared.
But I need you here
with me.
I'm so tired of
the loneliness,
and this aching
inside.
Tears drip down my face,
and you look at me,
finally,
and you smile,
and start crying yourself—
fat droplets of salt,
dripping onto my face—
the sweetest rain.
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
"Buffy, you're here." Where else would I be?
"How long have you been here?" Months now, I suppose.
"Sweet rose petals, you smell good." So do you.
"But nothing's changed, has it?"
"Everything's changed, Spike." My first words in so long.
Sweet blue eyes, alabaster skin, "Everything."
"Are you still the same?" Do you still love me?
"I still love you. But as for the whole of me, I can't say."
Bleeding heart, cracked lip, "Are you broken?" Like me?
Sweet tears, crooked smile, "Fixed, I'm afraid."
"Fixed?"
A hand on his chest—mine—and there's warmth there. "I'm different now."
Sweet realization, "Fixed?"
"Human, like you."
Ugly tears…unwanted. "I'm broken."
"Not anymore. I'm here with you. You're different. I can see it."
Sobs from a healing heart—coming from me; "I waited…for you…but they didn't understand. I tried…so hard…and they left me. I was so alone. I had to change. But I'm still broken."
Pulled me into your arms—comfort, love, safety; "I came back for you. They didn't leave you, Buffy. They went looking for me. They wanted to heal you. They wanted to fix you. But they couldn't. It wasn't there place."
"They don't like you."
"But they love you…and that's why I'm here. Because I love you and, for the first time, you admit you love me in return. And you love them, I know you do."
"They left me."
You shaking your head, me biting my lip: Buffy said something bad; "Only for a little while, pet. But you left them too. You locked yourself in here. They were so worried."
"They came…everyday. But I wouldn't leave."
"You needed me, they knew that."
Out of your arms, out of my head…too many tears…too much. "I need you."
"Yes, you do. Come here, love. We're going home—to your friends. And we're going to fix you. You're not broken. You're just…scratched."
Back in your arms, back in my self…realization…completeness.
"Spike…oh God…what happened to me? I'm a mess…"
"There you are, Buffy; we've been looking for you for a long time, love. You were gone for so long. We though we'd lost you forever."
"She's gone…" she said. "Oh God…Dawn's dead, Spike…" she sobbed. "And I…I hit you…I tried to kill…oh God…I'm sorry…so, so sorry."
"She's been dead for four years, Buffy." He opened his arms. "And so were you. But you're not dead anymore, Buffy. You're not broken anymore." He kissed her face, her lips, everywhere he could reach. "And I'll always forgive you."
"I love you…" she whispered.
"I know, pet. I love you too."