Title: On My Own
Series: And Then There Were Four
Author: Jamiexh
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: Rachel thinks about the events in her life leading up to getting involved with Brittany and Santana.
Rating: NC-17
Preceded by: Open Your Heart/ I'm Still Here/ Everything I Do, I Do It For You/ Girls Just Wanna Have Fun/ Pictures Of You/ How Do I Live Without You/ Regaining Unconsciousness/ I Think I'm Paranoid/ Come Clean/ Everything/ I Hope You Dance/ Breakaway/ I'll Look After You/ Oxygen
"And now I'm alone again.
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend,
Without a face to say hello to."
-June 2010-
Rachel wishes that heartbreak would get easier. But of course, it doesn't. That's probably why it's called heartbreak.
Rachel's been brokenhearted before. First there was Finn. He broke her heart every time he played her. Whether it was using her for a scholarship or just cheating with her on Quinn, it hurt every time he went away. And then there was that time he told her that he didn't want to be her boyfriend after Sectionals and went on a double-date with Brittany and Santana. That really hurt her.
Worse, however, was Jesse. He made her believe that he cared for her and in the end totally ripped her heart apart. Rachel admits that maybe she had it coming after the Run Joey Run incident, but when they got back together there was no excusing what he did. Rachel could have taken the embarrassment of being showed up in their own auditorium and broken up with in front of the Glee club, but when he and Vocal Adrenaline egged her, it hurt. She's a vegan and to have all of those little baby birds die in her humiliation, it hurt.
But this summer things would be different, and Rachel is excited. She is a counselor in the performing arts section of a local camp. Even better she's back together with Finn, who works there too as one of the boys' counselors. This is definitely going to be a good summer.
Or so she thought. Finn dumps Rachel after the first day of camp. He tries to explain that it's summer and he doesn't want to be tied down. Rachel thinks that part of it is that he asked her to have sex with him last week and she said no. She told him that she wasn't ready. And it wasn't a lie. She wasn't ready to have sex.
"But, why not, Rachel," Finn demands. "I love you. Shouldn't that be enough?"
"I'm just not ready, Finn," Rachel explains. She doesn't want to explain to him that she knows it's going to hurt and she's afraid he won't be about to make the pain go away once it starts. Rachel is extremely nervous at the thought of losing her virginity. She's tried to take it herself a few times, but she would chicken out before her fingers reached her barrier. It would just hurt too much.
Finn leaves that night upset. And then a week later, they're over.
Rachel is upset. She genuinely cared about Finn and it's possible that in a few months she would be comfortable enough to let him take it, but now it's too late.
So Rachel isn't as happy at camp as she thought she would be. Finn is there and it's a daily reminder of what she lost. When the children are gone she mopes. Brittany tries to cheer her up but with no success. Although, truth is, there is something Brittany could do to cheer her up. Brittany could kiss her.
Rachel is bisexual. She's known that she's been attracted to boys and girls since she was twelve. With her gay dads she was always told to keep an open mind about sexuality. She knows that she had crushes on boys, such as Finn and Puck, but there was a time in 7th grade when she just couldn't take her eyes off of Quinn. She had an open mind, but still was determined to talk to her fathers about it.
"Dad, Daddy," Rachel called to them. "Can I talk to you about something?" Both her fathers look up from the kitchen as she sits down with them. "How did you know you were gay?"
Elias speaks first. "There really is not cookie cutter answer for that, Baby. It's something that you need to figure out for yourself."
"That doesn't mean, we can't talk to you about it," Jackson adds. "Remember we love you either way. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Well," Rachel starts. "I've have a crush on the one boy at school for a long time, Finn Hudson. But, lately, I think I've been getting feelings for this girl. Her name is Quinn Fabray. She used to be real nice to me and then she started picking on me, but every time I see her, my heart starts to beat a little faster."
"Do you feel the same way about Finn," Elias asks.
"Sometimes, but I think what I feel towards Quinn may be stronger."
"Well," Jackson says, "you are young. You have a lot of time to figure it out. And you can be attracted to both sexes. You understand that. I know we've talk to you about bisexuality. You may be a lesbian, you may be bisexual, or you even may be straight and just curious. These are all perfectly natural. Don't worry about it too much, baby." Jackson kisses Rachel on top of her head and she just smiles.
A week later she tells her dads that she thinks she is bisexual, because the feelings for both Finn and Quinn won't go away. They smile at her, tell her that they love her, and thank her for being honest with them.
So she continues to harbor her crush on Quinn, who she knows will never return her feelings. By freshman year of high school, she finds herself attracted to two more girls, namely Santana and Brittany. In elementary school she barely gave the girls a passing glance, but now in their short Cheerio skirts, they couldn't look more delicious. She wanted them. But none of them would ever want her. At least, that's what she thought.
Three weeks had passed since Finn broke up with her, and things did not get any better, until one Saturday afternoon when she gets a text from Brittany.
"Hey Rach. Wanna hang out 2day w/ s n me?" Rachel pauses. Her luck might finally turn around.
She quickly texts back, "Sure. My dads are out for the day, so do you want to come over here?" She smiles, and for the first time she's grateful that her dads went out shopping today. She knew that they were planning to do a dinner and movie date night afterwards, so if they came over they had the house to themselves for whatever they wanted to do. It's not Santana and Brittany would do anything her parents disapproved of? Right?
A minute later, another text from Brittany comes in. "Kewl. well b rite over."
Rachel is excited to have friends over for the first time in a while. She admits that's she's been really lonely lately and she didn't care what they were going to do, because at least she'd have friends over. Luckily, Rachel didn't have to wait long for Brittany and Santana to get there. She quickly ushered them into the living room, for fear that they might just bolt on her.
"So, what do you guys want to do," Rachel asks. She sees Santana and Brittany exchange a glance and there is just something about their smiles that puts butterflies in Rachel's stomach. Rachel didn't realize how strong her crush on the two girls had grown until now.
As Brittany steps closer to Rachel, the butterflies increase their fluttering. She doesn't realize what's happening until she feels Brittany's lips on hers. Brittany's kissing her with more pressure than Finn ever has. She was almost kissing her like Jesse or Puck did, desperate to start something. But, she wasn't. Was she? Rachel knew that Santana and Brittany sometimes had sex together, but they would never bring her into it. Would they? No, it's impossible.
When the kiss ends, Rachel is out of breath. "You," is all Brittany says as she pulls away from her. With an answer like that Rachel has to think about what the question was. Then she remembers. She knows that she should give a lecture on why this isn't a good idea, but her brain is fluttered and she's unable to really form words.
"Come on, Berry, just take us to your room," Santana urges before Rachel's brain can start to function. But all Rachel can do is just stammer out as Brittany pulls her upstairs. Santana follows close behind.
When they get up to the top of the stairs, Santana asks which door is her bedroom and Rachel just points to it. When Brittany opens the door and pulls them towards the bed, Santana kisses her. Rachel can't help but moan as she realizes that two of her crushes have just kissed her and it was good. Her brain is working on overdrive as she tries to figure out how she got her. But her brain isn't met with much success as her body tokes over when Santana pushes her onto the bed and straddles her waist.
When Rachel sees Brittany and Santana kiss over her, it is the hottest thing she's ever seen in her life. Their kiss is sensual, erotic even. They've been lovers before and Rachel could tell that they knew exactly how to please each other. She feels herself getting turned on, and for a second she is completely relaxed. But then the fear crept in. Because really, the pain that she knew she would feel was her deterrent from losing her virginity. She had heard horror stories in the girls' bathroom about how much it hurts, and how much it bleeds. It scares her. But her body definitely wants it. Just by kissing the girls alone she's wet. But, the fear takes over, telling her to convince them and herself to end it.
"Brittany, Santana," Rachel starts, "it's not that I'm not flattered that you want to do this with me, it's just that I've never done anything like this before and I'm not sure I would like to partake in such activities at this time. Maybe at a later..." Rachel is cut off again by Brittany's mouth on hers. It feels amazing, and she can't figure out why this is so much better with Brittany and Santana than with Finn, Jesse, or Puck. Rachel swears that she is now soaked through her panties. Just as thinks it can't get any better, it does. A new sensation comes upon her as she feels a grinding along her lower body. She moans, and Brittany takes that opportunity to deepen the kiss. Rachel is quickly losing her will to fight.
Rachel pants when Brittany stops kissing her. She might have immense vocal training, but somehow it now all escapes her. But then Santana stops her movement, and all Rachel can do groan.
Brittany takes this time to explain why try are doing this with Rachel. "We want you. You were so sad after Finn dumped you; we want to help you feel better."
"But, I'm not ready for this," Rachel denies after hearing it's pity sex. She might want to lose her virginity to these girls now, but not because of pity. She wants them to want her, to like her like she likes them.
But Santana won't allow her to push them away. She knows Rachel wants this. She even confirms that Rachel is soaked through her pants, which doesn't surprise her. This is the closest she's gotten to having sex with anyone, let alone with two of her crushes. "Don't worry, Baby Girl," Santana soothes, "we'll take care of you." Santana strips Rachel of her shirt, and Rachel knows that this is going to happen.
Brittany pulls off her own shirt and Santana's, and Rachel can help but think about how beautiful they are. Sure, they may still have most of their clothes on, but the view of Brittany's and Santana's strong abs is definitely drool worthy. Now, it's Brittany's turn to try to convince Rachel.
"We're going to be here with you, Rachel. Trust us." Rachel curses her conflicting emotions before she realizes that this is the probably going to best scenario to lose her virginity. She may not love Brittany and Santana, but they are being gently and uncharacteristically nice. Well, Santana is anyway, Brittany's always nice. She gets ready to completely give in.
Brittany kisses Rachel again, and she can feel hands removing her bra. Mouths move to suck her breasts and Rachel moans, losing all control of her. This is definitely a good new for her and she is completely willing to give into it. She jerks her hips up, which earns a gasp from, she believes, Santana. Rachel then feels the other girl's weight being lifted off her. She concentrates on the pleasure she's getting from her breast, until her fear paralyses her when Santana tugs at her shorts.
She stiffens which cause both Santana and Brittany to stop. "What's the matter, Baby Girl," Santana coos to Rachel.
Now Rachel is a little embarrassed, but she knows it's time to admit her fear, because she doesn't think she can stop here and be okay the result. She curses herself for allowing her fear to always control her. "I'm nervous," she admits. "I've never done this before and I know it's going to hurt."
Santana and Brittany both soothe her. Rachel is surprised to hear that they really want her. She knows that so far she's enjoyed what they are doing, and they seem to enjoy it too. But to promise to do it again, when they haven't even finished now; they must like her more than they show. So when Santana asks to continue, Rachel takes a deep breath to push away the fears and nods. She sees Brittany go back to sucking on her breast as Santana pulls her clothes off.
Santana chuckles at her. "Q was wrong, no treasure trail." Rachel didn't hear anything else that Santana said because she was moaning too loudly when Brittany bit down on her nipple. Rachel just relaxes and lets Santana move her fingers down between her legs. Now she just can't help it, her moans grow louder and she cries out. When Brittany's kisses move up to her neck and Rachel feels suction on her clit, she almost loses it. She's so close and cries out to the girls, "God, Santana, don't stop. Mmm. Brittany. Fuck." Rachel doesn't normally swear, but she's so close that she doesn't care. The other two girls continue their movements and Rachel's body begins to spasm with the most intense orgasm she's ever had. "Brittany, Santana," she cries out in her ecstasy. Then her body grows limp as struggles to catch her breath.
Rachel has her eyes closed, but she can hear Brittany and Santana fucking near her. It's such a turn on and she wishes she had the strength to watch. But, she focuses on regaining her breath, because Rachel is certain that they are not done with her yet. Soon enough, Brittany comes, and Santana returns to her.
Santana asks if she was ready, as Santana positions two fingers at her opening. Rachel takes another deep breath to brace herself for the pain and nods. There is just some minor discomfort, until Santana hits her hymen, cause Rachel to wince. Santana instantly stops.
"You're okay," she hears Santana whisper to try to comfort her. Rachel just nods and Santana continues in. It hurt, but the real pain came once Santana pulled back out. Rachel grunts in pain as Santana moves in her, and Rachel doesn't know if she could take it. But her body begins to relax when she hears Santana gasp Brittany's name. Rachel figures that Brittany is working on Santana, and it is such a turn on. Eventually the pain goes away and is replaced by pleasure. Santana's moaning just adds to the experience and soon enough Rachel crying out again in release. Santana's fingers slip out of her, and a tall body pulls to Rachel in to cuddle. Rachel can feel Santana climb behind Brittany. She's tired, and she can tell that the other two girls are as well because they all begin to drift off to sleep. But, before Rachel passes out, she can hear Brittany whisper in her ear, "That was amazing, Ray Bear."
Rachel still doesn't understand why the other girls decided to bring her into this relationship, but she grateful that they did. She went from having no friends to good friends. Apparently, being friends with Brittany and Santana had its own benefits. But, Rachel couldn't ask for anything more. Two of her crushes took her virginity, and they couldn't have been gentler. It was comforting to lose it with people that were more worried about her than their own pleasure. Rachel knew that this was the beginning of something special.